Everybody Loves Raymond s09e03 Episode Script

Angry Sex

Robert, let's get a move on.
- Okay.
- l said, ''Let's go!'' l'll meet you there.
What are we, like a freaking herd? - What are you doing? - You gotta go.
Everybody's going, man.
So just get out.
What's the hurry? l'm gonna have sex.
Since when? All the pieces are in place-- the kids are at a sleepover, Debra had a glass and a half of wine, and this morning l saw her shaving her legs.
- l can't even have a drink? - Don't you get it? l'm dealing with a very delicate mood here.
lt's like a juggler on a tightrope.
The slightest vibration on that wire dead juggler.
So, no, you're not blowing this for me, man.
Get out.
l hope l'm having sex one day when you need a drink.
All right, everybody, let's go.
l thought you were gonna have a drink first.
l'll just get something out of Dad's liquor cabinet.
The hell you will! Back to the part.
Oh, Debra, l'd like to take the boys to that Happy Zone tomorrow, - if that's okay with you.
- That would be great.
Thank you, Marie.
lt's my pleasure, dear.
And while we're out, l'll just get them haircuts.
- Okay, bye.
- No, wait! Marie, they don't need haircuts.
Oh, but they do.
Maybe you haven't noticed, but the boys look a little slovenly lately.
- Excuse me? - Oh, no.
What are you saying, Marie? That my kids look like hobos? ls that what you're saying? Heavens no! Hobos have beards.
l hate when you do this, Marie.
- Do what, dear? Help? - Yeah yeah.
That's all she's doing.
She's helping.
Well, good night, you big helping mommy! Look out! Marie, why can't you just be direct with me? Well, l'm sorry.
But it's hard to be direct with someone who jumps down your throat every time you make a helpful suggestion.
ls that direct enough? You know what, Marie? l'll take the boys to the Happy Zone, and l'll take care of their haircuts and l'll do it all without you! How is that for direct? That's fine with me, dear.
At least you're finally doing something about it.
Come on, Robert, let's go.
Unbelievable! Well l'll get outta your way.
l guess you've got a juggler to bury.
How 'bout your mother, huh?! How 'bout your mother?! l know.
She's terrible.
l can't sleep! l'm seething! She actually has me seething! You know what? You shouldn't let her ruin your evening.
And probably the best way to get even with her is to just-- just do what you had planned, you know? l mean, for instance, if you were gonna watch TV, then just watch TV.
Or if you were gonna do something-- l don't know interactive.
What? Are you trying' to have sex now? No no no.
l'm just brainstorming.
Forget it.
Your mother's ruined the whole night, just like she's ruined every other night! Oh, what the hell! Wait-- oh, you see? He was already warming up in the bullpen, so why has he gotta do it again on the mound? That's why the game takes so long.
Then put on that Spanish game show with the hot chicas running around all crazy.
Oh, si! Que loca, loca, loca! Yi yi yi yi yi yi! All right, all right! Just leave the game on, you sex-starved animals.
Oh first of all, l'll put on any channel l want because this is my house, and you're just here to make us seem good-looking.
Second of all, if you knew what went on in this house last night, the last thing you'd be calling me is ''sex-starved,'' my friend.
Does the term ''angry sex'' mean anything to you? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
You mean like when the wife gets angry 'cause we wrap it up a little too soon? No.
Hey, what is she mad at you for? She wasn't mad at me.
She was mad at my mother.
And l don't know, it just freed up something in her, and she channeled that anger in a very hot fashion.
Did she curse? She said some things, man.
She said some things.
- Oh, sweet! - Come on! All right, all right! That's enough! What's your problem? That's disgusting! Talking about your wife like that to these creeps.
What? They're my friends, all right? So mind your own fat-ass business.
Yeah, shut up.
My rear end is appropriately proportioned Raymond.
And l'd like to say something else, exploiting someone's anger for your own gratification is repugnant.
And double repugnant is then bragging to your monkey pals about it.
The deepest form of intimacy between a man and a woman Xshould be a private thing, and remain sacred.
- Hi, we're back.
- Oh, hey.
Why so soon? What, did you run out of money or the mall run out of stuf? l just didn't feel like shopping.
- l'll call you tomorrow, Amy.
- Okay, night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Well-- - Now what? - Oh, Ray, this is all my fault.
We were having a great time, and then l brought up this whole Marie thing, just trying to help work it out, and she just got angrier and angrier.
Did she curse? - What? - Okay-- all right, look, Amy, you tried, okay? But you know what? l know how to handle this.
So, guys, if you don't mind, l'd like to tend to my wife.
- Of course, Raymond.
- Keep us informed.
Okay, all right.
Oh, you are going straight to hell.
And you're going back to live with Mommy and Daddy.
You win.
One other thing, Raymond-- a man without respect for the sanctit of love is a soulless man.
You are a very big girl.
Oh, Raymond? - Oh, good, your home.
- What are you doing? Listen, l need to talk to Debra.
Oh, yeah.
Well, now's a bad time, so maybe tomorrow.
No no, Raymond, listen.
l saw that talk show today - with the four ladies - Yeah? and they had this relationship doctor on who said, ''Every time you leave a family member, you must treat that person as if you'll never see them again.
'' l love you, Mom.
Good bye.
No no no no.
That got me thinking about Debra, and then there was this commercial about household bacteria, and that really got me thinking about her.
And then l said to myself, ''This can't be just coincidental.
'' No, l have to apologize right now, Raymond.
Oh, that's nice, Ma, but what can l do? She's-- she's sleeping.
She's actually sick.
- She's sick? - Yeah yeah yeah.
And you know what they say: ''You don't wake the sick unless you forgot to take the thermometer out.
'' So, you should maybe you should just go now.
- Oh, all right, all right.
- Yeah.
- Let me leave this here.
- Okay.
All right.
Put it in there.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
And, Raymond, please tell her that l want to talk to her, and apologize like that TV show with the ladies.
All right.
l will, Mom.
Oh, and, Raymond, you have to be careful about thermometers, especially the old-fashioned kind.
l know.
l know, Ma.
We had this problem with Robbie because he has a big bottom-- Okay, l know.
Hey hey.
You still up? - Yeah, what are you running around for? - Oh, no no.
No, l wasn't running.
Sometimes l like to pretend l'm a cougar.
Yeah, that's funny.
l still can't sleep because of this thing - with your mother.
- Oh, man, that stinks.
Can l help? Are you thirst? You want some wine? She just sets me of, and then she leaves.
But it stays with me, and l just get angrier and angrier.
Well, there must be something you can do to relieve the tension.
What could it be? You're right.
You know what? l should apologize.
- Oh! What? - Yeah.
l mean, it's always this way, you know? The sooner l accept the blame, the sooner all this will all go away, and it'll be better for everybody.
- Yeah? Really? - Yeah.
You don't need me brooding around here all week.
Hey, l'm the last person you should be worried about, but, no, you're right.
You should go apologize.
l'm sure you're right.
ln fact, l heard she's sitting over there waiting for you to apologize! What?! Well, yeah, because she knows you always do, no matter how wrong she is, but uh-- no, but you're right.
You shouldn't let her happiness get in the way of your dignit.
Oh, damn her! l'm not going over there! What? What is this? lf she thinks l'm coming over there, she can sit there all smug till hell freezes over! Whoa! This is a complete turnaround.
Now l'm not gonna be able to sleep again.
She is killing me! Your mother's killing me! Here here.
l hate seeing you like this.
l really do.
Here, just relax.
Yeah yeah.
- Ow! - Ooh, did l bite you? Yeah yeah, you did.
Mm-mm! - Good morning, Raymond.
- Oh! Good morning.
- How's Debra feeling? - Oh, yeah.
No, still sick, yeah.
l think it's, like, a three-day thing she's got.
This is the beginning of day two, so maybe we'll see you on day four.
Well, she must be very sick, because she can't even pick up her phone - to thank me for apologizing.
- What? You told her l was apologizing last night, didn't you? Of course, yeah.
lt's just she's so sick, she fell asleep right after l told her.
- Oh, is she that sick? - Yeah.
Maybe l should check on her.
Where is she? No no no no, Ma.
You shouldn't go, because you're susceptible.
You know what they say-- children and the elderly, it just-- it afects them more.
And we have to face facts-- you are getting a little elderly.
- Hey.
- Hey.
We're going to the flea market.
You guys wanna come with us? We can't.
Debra's sick.
Really? She was fine yesterday.
Yeah, well, yesterday-- if we could all go back.
Raymond told me she was so sick last night he wouldn't even let me see her.
Oh, he must've been tending to her, right, Raymond? That's right.
Marie, where the hell are you running to? - l didn't even get breakfast! - So, Ray? What do you wanna do this morn-- Oh.
Debra, you look well.
- Thank you.
- Shouldn't you be in bed? - What are you talking about? - Raymond said you're sick.
She was.
You are.
Last night when l kissed your head, you had a fever.
ln fact, you could be delirious.
This could all be a dream.
You should go back to bed right now.
Hey, nobody told me there was cake! l brought it over last night.
- You were over here last night? - Yes.
Hey, all right! Let's have some of that cake! Let's have some cake.
l came over to apologize.
l told Raymond.
- What? - l thought she was being sarcastic.
l wasn't sarcastic.
l told you about that bacteria commercial, and l was very sincere.
l even made Debra a cake to say l'm sorry.
Well, l don't remember any of that! So you didn't tell her? Well, look, l vaguely remember you said something about Debra, but as far as an apology, look, it certainly wasn't clear-- all right, look, let's just forget about it! Let's just forget about it.
Let's all have some cake that says ''l'm sorry'' on it.
That's a great cake, Ma.
Can't wait to see Raymond eat it.
ls there anything you'd like to say, Ray? Why didn't you tell Debra that l was going to apologize? - Honestly, for real? Okay.
- Yeah.
Debra, you just weren't ready to receive that message.
Sometimes in life, things gotta get a lot worse before they get better.
lt's just like shoes! Sometimes when they're new, they're not so comfortable, but when you beat 'em up a little, then they're great.
lt's just like now.
That doesn't even make any sense, Raymond.
Not to you, because you buy your shoes at the same place you get your wide-load pants.
- Wait a minute.
- No, this family can't wait, Amy! What does it matter what my method was? What matters is that everything is fine now! And you know what? That's what the cake should say.
''Everybody's fine''! So Marie, you came over to apologize last night? l did, and l learned from the four ladies that nothing is worth fighting over this way.
And you're right.
lf l have something to say, l should just come out with it or keep my mouth shut.
Your mouth? That's like trying to hold back a-- l'm sorry, l was eating.
Set me up again.
Wow, Marie, that's-- Wow! That means so much to me.
ll'm so surprised.
Thank you.
Yeah, that's nice.
Everybody, let us eat cake.
Wait a minute, Ray.
Why didn't you tell me she came over to apologize, especially when you knew how angry l was? Hold on to something.
l told you, you weren't ready to receive it.
l needed to calm you down.
Oh, you needed to calm me down.
lt's more like you needed-- Oh my God.
You're like a sex maniac! What? What does that even mean? He didn't tell Debra because he wanted to get sex? Evil sex.
Evil, twisted, dirt sex.
No no! l'm disappointed, Raymond.
You're supposed to think of your mother before sex.
Oh, l know what he was doing.
The action is always better when there's a little fire in the furnace, right, Ray? No! No.
That is so wrong.
Crazy old man! Come on! Why do you think l give this one such a hard time? When she's steamed up, everything's better.
l'll tell you, the angry sex is good.
But what l really love is the angry steak pizzaiola.
- You're a pig! - Good! Use that for the lasagna tonight.
Look, Debra, this-- l told him, Ma.
You must always be sensitive to your wife's emotions.
You, my boy are a girl.
All right.
You wouldn't talk to me this morning, you wouldn't talk to me this afternoon.
And you wouldn't talk to me tonight, but there's something l want to get of my chest.
And it doesn't matter if you wanna hear it or not, because l am gonna say it.
Yes, l may have used your anger in a pleasurable way, but that pleasure was not just my own! Huh? So if l use you, you use me right back, lady! Admit it.
lt was like therapy for you.
You used me like l was your therapist! Your physical therapist! So before you judge me, you look yourself in the mirror without the makeup on! That's right! And you ask yourself, ''lsn't this what marriage is? The mutual using of each other''! l think so! And let me tell you, we will get past this unpleasantness as a couple if you will let me sleep here tomorrow.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode