Everything I Know About Love (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4 Other Half

1 You seem quiet.
What's going on? Come on, talk to me.
God, I feel like a loser telling you this.
You can tell me anything.
I'm worried you're not over Jade.
You know, I heard that she's not happy you're dating again, and I guess I'm scared you two have unfinished business.
Jade is always going to be a part of my life.
But there's a big difference between unfinished business and ancient history.
The girl I can't stop thinking about isn't the one from my past.
It's the one in my present.
Oh! Yes! Cut.
Thank you.
WHISPERS: Where are they going now? Drinks, then dinner later.
We should film her and Bella tomorrow.
Because if they do sleep together, she'll want to debrief.
- Good thinking.
- Right, I'll see you later.
Listen, it would be great to get together at some point, to brainstorm about my role.
Like I said before, that's not really how this show works.
Because we're following your real lives.
I see myself as the first-ever method reality TV star.
Do you know what I mean? Er, no, not really.
So it would be good to see how we could work together.
So I can get behind the camera as well as in front.
I'm not sure you can.
Sick, I'll be in touch.
Do you know if they've wrapped Jade's pilates scene? I think they're still shooting.
So where are you guys drinking before the series launch tomorrow? There's this place that does a burger and a beer deal on a Thursday.
I might join you.
It's for under-25s.
I am under 25.
Are you serious?! Yeah.
We all assumed you had to be, like, 35 years old.
How did you get this job? Are you someone's niece, or? No.
Working Girl.
Get in my office, now.
You've been doing great work.
Your instincts are bang-on.
I'm happy you're happy.
How are you getting on with everyone out there? I mean, I don't really know those guys because us producers are busy doing our thing.
But that's fine.
I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to be the best I can be.
You watch too much reality TV.
Look, you can front all you want, Maggie it's obvious that you're desperate to make everyone like you.
You reek of it, like Miss Dior Cherie.
OK, I do sometimes wear that perfume, so maybe it's just Look, it's special that you're so young.
It's one of the reasons I hired you, we need that kind of insight.
Just, you know, don't be too young.
So what do you mean? You've got a long career ahead of you, it's going to take up a lot of your time.
Don't waste it trying to be liked by everyone.
Trust me.
Cup of tea would be great.
Did you see that? Cheek.
That's how I felt for most of my 20s.
In a maze without an exit, on a boat without a rudder, going round and round the wrong cul-de-sac.
And every time I felt this confusion, this lack of direction, I did one thing.
I tried to be a brand-new person.
When I took you back I thought you'd only up and run But you're still here, I know And when I took you back I thought you'd only up and run But you're still here You're still here And now everything goes my way And now everything goes my way ♪ I got the job! I'm in love again Love, I'm in love again Love, I'm in love again.
♪ Hi, everyone.
Welcome to this workshop.
So nice to see so many new faces.
OK, let's get started.
We go down, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Stretch, two, three, four, five, six.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Thanks Oh, yeah, you're welcome.
Thank you.
That was great.
You're really good.
Are you with another company? No.
Freelance? I'm not a dancer.
I work in property.
I used to dance.
Well, I tried to.
I did a dance degree, then did a bunch of auditions after I graduated but I stopped about six months ago.
Why? Got kind of tired of it all, I guess.
It was the final round for this company that I'd always loved.
I'd already had loads of knock-backs.
Comments about the fact that I did a dance degree at uni instead of going to a dance school.
Directors assuming that I was a street dancer.
And then, the woman at this audition says to me, in front of everyone, "Tuck your bum in.
" I carried on dancing.
And then she says it again.
And I was so embarrassed.
I said to her, "That's just my body.
" She says nothing.
Then everyone leaves, and she asks me to stay behind.
And then she says.
"My darling, let me save you a lot of heartache.
"You move well, but you're" "Not the right fit for a company like this.
" And I never will be.
Fuck her.
The window for trying to make this work professionally is short.
But you know that.
I honestly just ended up thinking it was impossible.
It's really, really hard.
But it's not impossible.
Really? I didn't do anything.
You know, if you were one of my Year Ten boys, I'd put you in immediate detention for that, Simon.
I quite like the thought of that.
Argh, 7:30 on a Thursday night.
Why are we both here? Well, you're marking.
And I'm watching you marking.
I know, and it's very distracting.
Fine, fine.
I'll go.
Even though I'm the only one in this room who knows where the end-of-term-party wine is hidden.
Next time.
On the off-chance you ever find yourself wanting a distraction.
I'm just obsessed with shoving stuff in my gob.
But everything I put into it gets me in trouble.
I wish there was a hobby for your mouth that was guilt-free.
The flute? Hiya! I got the job! Yes! Yes, you beauty! Well done! Thank you.
I can't believe they actually kept my CV on file.
I'm going to be a buyer's assistant.
When do you start? Next week.
Do you want a fish finger sandwich? Or a drink? We should celebrate.
I think we have some toffee vodka in the freezer.
I've already eaten.
I went to Nathan's after I got the news.
Toffee vodka then.
Street was there.
Was he? Yep.
And I want you to know, whatever you want to find out about him, I'll find out.
I'll be your man on the ground.
That is so sweet of you, Birdy, but honestly, I've turned a corner.
I've deleted his number.
I never want to look at my phone and wait for a text from him ever, ever again.
I've entered a period of celibacy.
I'm being serious.
I've got to start making more grown-up choices in all areas of life.
I've booked myself in for an STI check.
I'm pretty sure the only thing I got from that relationship are technicolour strains of HPV.
So, yeah.
That's MY news.
New chapter.
You could always buy one of those suction cup dildos and stick it to your wall.
I did consider that.
But the thought of me humping a wall alone in my room was a bit much, even for me.
When do we need to get there tomorrow? Oh, my gosh, I am so excited.
I can't believe I get to meet Kyle.
Kudos! 7:30? What's tomorrow? The launch party for series three of Heirs And Graces.
It's going to be really, really fun.
But you have got to be on your best behaviour.
I want to be taken seriously at work.
Got it.
Cheers, everyone! ALL: Cheers! To Birdy! So do those dildos stick to any surfaces, or just walls? Inhale, upward dog.
Exhale, downward-facing dog.
Now jump forward, wrap your legs around your arms.
I don't think it's for me.
Stick with it.
It has given me a sense of focus like I've never experienced before.
You'd like happy baby.
Happy baby! Happy baby.
Happy ba-by.
Are you sure it's OK if I bring Nathan tomorrow night? Of course.
Will be nice to have him there.
And I can't wait for you to meet Roisin.
She's terrifying and amazing.
I've told her all about you.
She calls you my other half.
You know, I was thinking, maybe we should allocate time together.
Like sync our diaries every week.
I know you don't normally believe in calendars, but No, I agree.
I think that's a really good idea.
Dream job.
Serious relationship.
All in your first year of moving to London.
You're nailing it, little bird.
So are you.
So, what's the best custody agreement, then? Nathan and I get you every other weekend? And you sack off your mum? Sounds great.
We'll work it out.
We always work it out.
Can I sleep with you tonight? Yeah, of course.
You never have to ask.
Please can we put the windows up now? No! The colder you are, the more activated your metabolism.
You can eat anything when you're shivering.
Calories cancelled.
According to who? Cosmopolitan magazine.
Can you believe that it's done now? Exams.
It's over, we're free.
Don't say that.
I've been waiting for this moment since I was five years old.
I've been dreading this moment since I was five years old.
Look, Birdy, look out there - what do you see? Wembley Stadium? Not literally.
I mean, what do you see in your future? I look at that city and I see all the people I'm going to meet and the jobs I'm going to have and the men I'm going to fall in love with.
What do you see? Something completely terrifying.
It's not terrifying.
Think of our first London flat together.
Four-poster bed and a cinema room.
MUSIC: Pharaohs by SBTRK Mags, you OK? You look worried.
I'm not worried, I'm just Have you seen Jade? I think she knows that Kyle and Bohemia slept together and I need to keep them apart so they don't have their confrontation off-camera.
Mags, look at me.
You need to enjoy this.
It's your first-ever work party.
And you earned it.
OK, thank you.
Ah, the famous Birdy.
Birdy, this is Roisin.
So you two have been best friends since school? Yeah.
And went to uni together, moved to London together.
Ah, that's beautiful.
I've got a friend like that.
Grew up together.
Learnt all the hard lessons.
She knows my family, I know her family.
She's the path back to all my memories.
Do you know where she is now? Where? No idea.
Haven't spoken to her since she married some ham-faced police officer called Ken at a Hilton Hotel.
Back in a bit.
I just need to find Jade.
Do you guys know each other? Yeah.
We live together.
Did not expect that.
Why not? Just can't imagine it.
- Do you want to play, Mags? - I'll see you in a bit.
Have you seen Jade? All right.
OK, my go.
God, cannot believe you guys are friends.
You're so fun.
- What do you mean? - She's so uptight.
Uptight? I'm going to go check she's OK.
Go on, let's go again.
Mags! You OK? No.
You two.
You two, come with me.
- I-I can't, I'm worried that - I don't care.
Whatever you're about to do, this is more important.
Come on.
So it's a dating website but in an app.
Like, proper stream-lined.
So you don't have to read about all those people who like bungee jumping and social justice.
It's just right .
Yes no.
Wide-on, no wide-on.
And do they ever run out? - No.
Well, I mean, they haven't yet.
- Wow.
I know, right? All these men just waiting for you.
I'd love to use it but, sadly, I've decided to give up sex for a while.
I need to learn to make better choices.
Have you got a profile? Not yet, no.
Honestly, man.
All you fucking millennials what is wrong with you? This is your sexual revolution.
This is your summer of '69.
Give us your phone.
I'll set you up a profile.
Oh, you're gorgeous.
What do you do? Property.
Absolutely not.
Can't allow that.
I've just got to go find Jade.
Have you got any nudes? Yeah.
So you want to be sending those within seven minutes of getting a match.
Really? Yes, and always cut your head out of it.
- But keep your feet in - they like that.
And not one of those, like, cheeky pin-up things.
That's not going to get you anywhere.
Don't send them anything they could already see on a French beach.
You want vulva, close-up, harsh Soviet lighting.
Flash bouncing off the labia.
You going to remember all this? 100%.
Looks like Maggie found Jade.
Don't you talk to me like that who the fuck do you think you are? Look at Jade's boobs they're amazing.
They're so round and high.
They're higher than her shoulders.
Your boobs are better, babe.
Go dance.
No No, no, I'm fine.
No, go on, go have a dance.
No, no, I want to stay here with you.
Hi, babe, love you! Hey.
What's your name? Amara.
Amara, I'm Kyle.
I know.
I watch every week.
That's embarrassing.
It might be embarrassing for you it's not for me.
I'm friends with Maggie.
Who's Maggie? The story producer.
Oh, Maggie! Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You look like you're running dry there, babe.
Let me get you another one.
Hi there.
I'm Neil.
Maggie's boss, right? I'm a friend of hers.
I've heard nothing but fantastic things.
When did you get into showbiz? Er, I've been working in TV for about 25 years.
25 years? Wow, that's amazing.
I'm not in the industry myself.
I'm a trainee lawyer.
Yeah? I have had my brush with celebrity, though.
Have you heard the name Joseph Washbourn? Joseph? Washbourn.
He's the lead singer of Toploader.
The band.
Is he? Yeah, yeah.
My cousin went to uni with him.
So I see him most years at birthday drinks.
Do you? I do, yeah.
Yeah! Introduced myself a few times.
Seems like a really nice guy.
Listen, if you ever wanted to get in touch with him for a TV programme, I can get his number, no problem.
My cousin actually went on tour with him once.
What are you doing? Er, Roisin, this is my girlfriend, Nell.
Why are you are talking about the guy from Toploader again? I was just saying, if they ever wanted to feature a live band on Heirs And Graces, I could put Roisin in touch with [SHE SIGHS.]
Can I ask you something I've always wanted to know? Of course.
Yeah! What do you put in those pockets? How are you doing? Oh, fine, just trying to save the entire editorial content of the show.
Manage it? Jade's gone home in a huff, so at least I don't have to worry about her any more.
What about you? I was having a great time until I found Neil chewing the ear off your boss.
I don't understand why does he do it? Can't he just engage in a normal conversation, like a normal person, about normal things? Amara! Oi! What? - Come on, we're going home.
- Are you her nan? Kyle! What is the matter with you?! Your heartbroken ex-girlfriend has just left.
The girl you're currently dating is still here.
Pull yourself together.
DM me, yeah? I will! I can't believe you did that.
Mags, chill out.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's not a big deal to you, but it is a massive deal to me.
Why? The cast are on my case all the time.
They don't respect me.
They think I'm some sixth-former Roisin hired.
And it definitely won't help that my housemate got off with one of them.
And now he will always have that over me.
You know how much I fancy him.
I've been crushing on him since we first watched that show, and then you fucking blue-balled me.
How can you even fancy him? He's ropey as hell.
Erm, have you looked at the men you fancy, Maggie? Why are you being a dick about this? Why are YOU being a dick about this? You were so stressed out and hectic tonight.
I actually wasn't.
You don't understand how difficult it is to make this show.
It's not that difficult.
You literally got the job when you were sitting on your sofa eating pizza.
How is that fucking relevant? I'm just saying, you don't catch Nell and I turning up to work in a hoodie, getting paid to chat about people's sex lives.
What possessed you? I was just making conversation.
It wasn't conversation, it was you going on and on about some band that no-one has heard of, or cares about.
Dancing In The Moonlight went multi-platinum, Nell.
Why is that at all relevant when you're talking to Maggie's boss? Fancy a porker? I can't do anything right at the moment, can I? - [DOOR OPENS .]
- Margaret Marshall.
Right, trousers down, twat out.
I try to save time by avoiding all the "pop your clothes off and pop on the bed" stuff.
So what are we having? HIV, chlamydia, clap, syphy, hep B the full English? Yeah.
Might as well.
So, what contraception have you been using? Condoms.
Apart from the one time when we were drunk and we used the pull-out Don't you dare say "method" to me.
Are you very tall? Yes? Mm, thought so.
We're going to need a longer speculum.
Anyway, I don't have to really think about any of that stuff any more because I made a decision to Bit cold now.
to stop having sex for a while.
Just full abstinence.
Deep breaths, only a couple of seconds.
To really think about the choices I've been making.
And only have sex with, like, three people a year, who all put money aside for a pension.
All done.
You know, I'm not a gum clinic priest.
I can't throw some holy lube on you and tell you you're now cleansed.
Whatever you're looking to me for, I'm not going to be able to give you.
How old are you? 24.
I wish I'd done nothing but fuck when I was 24.
My generation were the first women who could have sex outside of marriage without it completely ruining our lives.
Human bodies are like countries.
And you are free to explore the world, if that's what you want.
And you should, frankly.
While you still have the energy and skin elasticity.
Just use a condom.
I will.
You have a lovely cervix, by the way.
Real star quality.
If I only knew your name I'd go from door to door Searching on the crowded streets for the face that I once saw If I only knew your name I'd go from door to door Tell me have you seen the girl I met just once before? One night of love Nothing more, nothing less One night of love to put my head in a mess Is that you on the bus? Is that you on the train? You wrote your number on my hand but it came off in the rain ♪ Hey.
What you doing? Same.
My girl is back.
Oh, God.
I'm addicted.
If I could, I'd take a week off work as annual leave just to get through all the profiles.
- Any good matches? - A few.
How about you? A few.
Where do you stand on moustaches? Don't mind them.
Quite like them, actually.
Make me feel like I'm with a very powerful but disgusting porn magnate who's begged me back to his penthouse.
Your imagination, I swear.
Are you even in the room when you have sex? Barely.
Hi, can I get a glass of white wine, please? Just the house white.
Large, please.
What? Just some freak talking to me like I'm a piece of fruit.
I'm from Reading, mate.
Show me.
Oh, my God.
That's rank.
Have you been getting gross messages? A couple.
How about you? Loads.
Saying what? That they've always wanted to be with a black girl.
Or they tell me that they've been with loads of other black girls.
Oh, my God.
It's just fucked up to think I'm a thing to tick off a guy's sexual to-do list.
Like me just being human is their dirty fetish.
It makes me feel mental.
Do you think anyone will have a fetish for lanky white girls who talk too much and stop giving blowjobs after a month? I hate that men think it's OK to speak to you like that.
You must have just got a bad batch.
Why are they all graphic designers? There you go.
I was being a dick last night.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
I just don't understand all the different boundaries of who you are in your personal life and who you're meant to be at work.
I find the office so confusing.
I don't know how to be taken seriously and I don't know how to be liked.
Everyone just thinks I'm this weird, boring loser.
Well, if there's one thing I know you can do, Mags, it's win people over.
Good luck at university.
Bye, Birdy.
Drive safely, won't you? Love you.
Love you, darling.
This is it, Birdy.
We're driving down a road that's going to take us into the whole giant world.
We're driving down the M5.
It's not just the M5, it's the beginning.
First uni, then jobs, then London.
We're going to lose our virginities and then the world will be our oyster.
I'm scared.
Don't be.
Nothing bad can happen.
We've got each other.
You forgot the plant.
Cancel your plans, put on your thongs, I have just matched with a circus performer called Victor.
I am negative for all STIs and we are going out tonight! I thought you weren't drinking.
Or having sex.
Or eating carbs.
Changed my mind.
Life is for living.
Do you have a pen and paper? No.
In the bowl.
Right, what do we need? Crisps, salt and vinegar.
Cheese and onion.
No, man.
How many times? You don't have to eat them! Cigarettes.
Regular? Yes.
Menthol? Yes.
Fake tan.
Fresh razors, my treat.
Pre-drinks? Here.
DJ? Nell.
Sean Paul and Blu Cantrell ♪ Then Hawley? Then dancing.
Yes! What's going on? We're going out tonight, but properly this time.
None of this six pints and home by 1am nonsense.
What What about me? I thought you were with Nathan.
Oh, are you free? I can be free! What time are we heading out? Nine.
Pre-drinks at half-seven.
Oh, can you put down gaffa tape? Yeah, why? Top I'm going to wear.
Hey! Turn it up, DJ Nell.
DJ Nell! Could have been all right Could have been here tonight Could have been sweet as wine Could have been a lady You could have been all right Could have been here tonight Could have been sweet as wine Could have been a lady They all love you, you're a good girl When you wake, find another man lying beside you They all need you, they all want you Well, I'd be surprised if you realised where you're going to Could've been all right Could've been here tonight Could've been sweet as wine ♪ What can I get you? Four vodka-lime sodas, please.
Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! I don't know if it's because I've spent too much time on that app, but everyone here looks like an estate agent.
I know, right? Mags, I think I'm going to go.
Is that OK? Of course.
Love you.
Love you.
Love you.
Bye, guys.
Love you.
I might go too.
I'm not feeling well.
Are you OK? Yeah, yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Man, Birdy's really defected, hasn't she? Yeah.
But it's OK.
You sure? Yeah.
We're cool.
We're like sisters.
We let each other do our own thing, then we always come back together.
If you actually had sisters, you'd realise how off-key that description is.
Crew is two.
Crew is two! MUSIC: Step on by Happy Mondays Oh, my God.
OK, I've just sent you his full name and number, in case you never hear from me again.
And I have just sent you his address, for safety.
I can't believe we're doing this! Me neither.
It's wild.
I know.
Do you worry we might get a little bit murdered? Think of it like this.
It's just as wild as going home with a stranger we meet in here tonight.
You're right.
You look fit.
So do you.
Ready? Ready.
I wasn't lost.
I was just travelling.
Clutch bag as my backpack.
Phone as my map.
Every night.
Every swipe.
I didn't know where I was going, but it felt like an adventure.
To familiar lands and unknown lands.
Spank me.
Really? Yeah.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Shut up.
Do that again.
Fuck yeah! Oh, my God.
Are you OK? OK, Fine.
It didn't always go to plan.
But mostly it did.
When Dickens wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," I think he may have been talking about the launch of dating apps.
I'm going to cum.
What? - Fuck! - Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Maggie, I Of course, there were moments of shame.
Yes, Maggie.
I knew you were a G.
And some walks of shame.
But I don't regret a moment of it.
I was just travelling through boroughs and bodies, with no destination in sight.
I found a place full of charms A magic world in my baby's arms Her soft embrace like satin and lace Wondrous place Man, I'm nowhere When I'm anywhere else But I don't care Everything's right when she holds me tight Her tender hands on my face I'm in heaven in her embrace I want to stay and never go away I want to stay and never go away Wondrous place.

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