Everything I Know About Love (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5 Unknown Jungles

1 Oh, I'm so pumped for our party tomorrow night.
Same! Same.
The thing is I've got this hag.
A what? Hag.
It's a mixture between a stag and a hen do.
It's Nathan's friend's stag, and then bride's going out with all of her girl friends, then everyone meets up at the end for the hag.
Hey, I can miss it.
It's fine.
I can miss it.
Mm Should the party have a theme? I love a theme.
Isn't it the Diamond Jubilee this weekend? Queen-themed! No, I'm not celebrating the monarchy.
Nell, I really enjoy all your various causes, but in this case I'm going to have to ask that you pop on a little plastic crown and just join in the fun.
Give me the fucking razor.
The other day I went to this party, with Nathan, at his friends Danny and Fran's - they're the ones who are getting married - and they served, like, cocktails in real cocktail glasses.
I got so drunk I can't remember anything past 9pm.
"Danny and Fran.
" They are such classic names of people that you meet through a boyfriend.
So true.
What's that supposed to mean? You know, like, "Danny and Fran have organised a camping trip.
" "Danny and Fran are hiking the Inca Trail!" "Danny and Fran are breaking up and they don't know which one "takes the butt plug.
" They have organised a camping trip, actually, to Snowdonia.
I'm really looking forward to it.
It'll be nice to do something for once that doesn't just involve getting drunk.
Ah, Birdy, don't be moody! How about I make coronation chicken for dinner, and then we can decorate the house? I'd love to, but if I'm gonna go to the hag I should probably see Nathan tonight.
But you were with him last night.
Yeah, but that wasn't the weekend.
It's not fair to not see him all weekend.
Erm I just thought we were gonna set everything up for the party together.
Well, I'll come back early tomorrow and I'll help then.
No problem.
It's fine.
Have a good day at work.
"Opposites attract.
" That's something you hear a lot in love.
But when does being opposites become living in opposition? I am not happy.
I want more air time.
If you want to be more involved, get your boyfriend on.
We can do a few scenes with him.
No, he would prefer to die.
He hates that I do this show.
Look, the deal is we're following your real life.
At the minute, you're giving us a tiny part of your life, so you're only gonna be on a tiny part of the show.
Okay, I know something about someone.
Who? Jade.
What about her? She cheated on Kyle with Alex.
And I want to tell Kyle, on camera.
I think he deserves to know.
I would like to know when the episode will air, because I have a new swimwear line coming out and the publicity would be great.
Right, thanks, Bella.
- Bye, Bella! We've just got our series finale! ♪ - [LAUGHTER.]
- I did NOT see that one coming.
Me neither.
I love this job.
We should celebrate.
What you doing at the weekend? We're having a party tomorrow night.
A house party? Yeah.
As in tinnies, ketamine, kettle chips? Yeah.
I'll be there.
Really? Yeah.
Erm It starts at seven.
It starts at seven? Doesn't sound like a house party.
Well, you can come whatever time you want.
Don't lie to me, Maggie.
I want the kind of party where you could get pregnant from the loo seat.
If I see any fucking prosecco, I'll be really angry.
Do you understand? Yeah? Yeah.
So we're hoping to represent Edmonton Estates and their retail portfolio, so it's crucial that in the upcoming pitch we really I'm so sorry.
I'm going to have to go.
I've booked a doctor's appointment.
I cleared it.
That's fine, Amara.
So in the upcoming pitch we really need to stress MUSIC: Seed Of Wonder by Jesca Hoop Shake it out.
Six, seven, eight.
And Once my love stood still like a stagnant Well, for so long you could hear The song of spiders, strumming fibres Calling her to the web My river sits in ebb, the little ones Lean over, laughing echoes Bounce down the dark until it hits the floor Singin', come on baby, come on child, call your flow Like a seed of wonder, faith of mustard Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Ooh, ooh ♪ [THEY CHEER.]
Oh, you are so gonna get it! Shut up.
You are! You are.
I would 100% book a ticket if I saw you doing that on the advert.
I would be like, "Who is this sylph and will she be "dancing on my plane?" All right, I've got to go to bed.
But you continue to make our home look like the flag-shaggers' headquarters, Maggie, by all means.
Are you nervous about tomorrow? Yeah.
But it's got to be done.
I can't end the relationship without him noticing.
I wish I could.
Poor Neil.
What do you mean, "poor Neil"? You've been ripping the piss out of him for six years.
Oh, good luck.
Thank you.
Yeah, good luck.
- MOCKING: Yeah, night! - [SHE LAUGHS.]
I'm so excited about your call-back, Amara.
I KNEW you'd end up quitting your job and going back to dancing.
I mean, property? Ha! As if you're gonna end up selling houses! I'm not quitting my job.
Well, you're gonna have to when you get the advert.
What are you gonna do? Like, pretend you're sick while you go and film for a week in Iceland? I'm not quitting my job.
I've still got to pay my rent.
Yeah, but you can do that without being in a job you hate.
Oh, you don't understand.
Yeah, I do.
Look at me.
Yeah, look at you, Maggie.
You've managed to land your dream job so you think that everybody else can too, and if they don't then they're selling out, or they don't want it enough.
I was told explicitly by someone high up in the industry that I would never make it as a contemporary dancer.
Amara, I'm sorry.
I I did not realise.
Yeah, and you didn't realise that I was the only girl who looked like me on my degree course.
Or that when men chat shit to me on a dating apps, it's not just a bad batch.
I love you, babe you are my ride or die.
But we are not the same.
And you don't fucking get it sometimes.
I'm so sorry.
I don't need you to be sorry.
I just need you to see.
How long have you thought that? I don't know.
Two years.
Two years? No No, actually, that's wrong.
I I haven't thought that for two years.
What I meant was, erm .
it's kind of like we've been breaking up for two years.
Okay, then.
So .
that weekend in Amsterdam for our five-year anniversary, were we broken up then? No.
And my auntie's wedding last summer, were we broken up then? - No, look, I didn't mean - Because it didn't feel like we were broken up.
It felt like you were very much my girlfriend, Nell.
Two, two.
One, two.
- Two, two.
One, two - [FEEDBACK.]
I've never been single, Neil.
I'm 25 and I've been in relationships since I was 14.
I don't want to be single.
That's not enough of a reason for us to take our 20s from each other.
I never felt like you've taken anything from me.
Until now.
- One, two.
I really, really love you.
You're my best mate.
I don't want us to end like this.
I'm Okay.
I just wanna be on my own.
I'll call you in a couple of weeks? [MAN FUMBLES OVER KEYS.]
We get it on most every night When that moon is big and bright It's supernatural delight Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ♪ [BIRDY GASPS.]
Oh, wow.
You like it? Oh, my God, it looks It looks so good! I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help.
That's Okay.
It doesn't matter.
You're here now.
We're gonna have an amazing night.
What's this? I got employee of the month at work, and they gave me 10,000 points to spend in store.
Erm, Okay, first of all, that is amazing.
I am so proud of you! Thank you.
And, second of all, yes! We need all this stuff for the house! Oh, I'm going to keep it in my room.
Why? Well, I'm gonna keep it for entertaining.
Okay, well we entertain here all the time.
Not that kind of entertaining.
Like, keeping it for my bottom drawer.
What does that mean? Well, my mum used to have one when she was my age.
It's like keeping it special, collecting it for my first home.
- But this is your first home.
I need to get fucking shit-faced.
Okay, yeah.
We can definitely organise that, can't we, Birdy? Yeah.
Are you Okay? Do you want to talk about it? No, thanks.
Oh Oh, go on, then.
Go on, we can We can use my salmon platter for the party.
Wow! Go on, then.
Hey! Okay, just MUSIC: Dance Wiv Me by Dizzee Rascal Ooh, baby Come and dance wiv me What's up, darlin'? I've been keeping my eye on your movements I can't see no room for improvement Why you all over there on your Jack Jones? You need to let me get behind your backbone 'Cause I'm the man for the job Let me work it ♪ Hey, queen.
Hey, queen.
Oh I'm sorry.
Oh, my God Oh, hello! .
you look so hot! Hi.
All right, all right! Great party.
Hey! Great wig! Where do I get a glass? I've brought vodka, mixers.
Vodka and mixers? What is this, Mad Men?! What can I say, what can I say? Come with me.
I'll get you one.
I don't recognise Camden these days.
Where have all the punks and smack-heads gone? The place has got no community spirit any more.
Yeah, it's probably because people like you and James rent out all the houses to people like me? What's in the bag? What isn't in the bag? Let's get fucked.
Yeah! I see you glance at me That's why I'm asking, B So let's party, B Come and dance wiv me ♪ [DOORBELL RINGS.]
God, you look amazing.
Am I the oldest here? I think so.
MUSIC: Feel The Love by Rudimental feat.
John Newman You know I said it's true You know I said You know I said it's true ♪ [CHANTING.]
Yeah! What What's that? M-CAT.
Can you believe it? I haven't seen it around since 2010, but Ruth's dealer was selling it.
So why is it on my salmon platter?! Firstly, your fucking boss just barged into my room and asked for a bump of ketamine.
God .
she is brilliant.
She is like a proper mentor, you know? No, no, no, it's not funny! It's really unladylike.
Since when do we give a fuck about being "ladylike"? And I I worked really hard for that salmon platter! It's special, it was going to be an heirloom to hand down to my daughter, and I can't do that now because you've crushed disgusting drugs on it! Don't worry! I'll wash it.
It's not about that - it's about the memories of the platter.
You can't wash those off! Birdy, Birdy! We're 24.
It's time we should start acting a bit more responsibly.
No, that means it's time for us to have more fun.
Yeah, come on, I'll make you a vodka and coke, we'll put on TLC! I don't want a drink.
Okay, well, have a dance, then.
I don't want to dance.
Jesus, you're never here! And the one night you give to us, you're watching the clock and waiting for it to be over.
Look, I just don't want to get wasted.
You don't seem to mind getting wasted when you're with Nathan and his friends.
That's different.
Why is it different? You'll You'll understand what I mean when you have a proper relationship.
Oh, my God.
It feels like you really just really want to be with Nathan, so why don't you go be with Nathan? I will.
Spunk drunk.
She'll realise soon enough.
Woman cannot live on spunk alone.
But normally we have to find out the hard way.
Listen .
would you girls let me rig up some cameras in here? For a reality show.
It'd be, like, minimal interference.
Just go and have a word with the uptight one and we'll make a show.
I always thought we were in an adult relationship because we met at university, but I realise now we met when we were kids, basically.
How'd you meet your wife? Same.
Being together for all that time and staying in love is tough.
I think we weren't allowing each other to become who we're meant to be, you know? But maybe we could've worked on that.
It's a bit about work, but a lot about luck.
Whether you can keep loving all the different versions of each other.
And you deserve to be with someone who can love the woman you are now.
Although this Nell This Nell looks pretty hard to love.
I hate to say it.
Shut up.
She looks like Avril Lavigne.
Ah Ah, sure.
That girl's cute as hell, and you know it.
Ah Oh? Rock on.
Yeah! Rock on.
Yeah Yeah, she didn't know very much about fashion.
No, she terrifies me.
- That's right.
Keep her away.
I forgot you were coming! And there I was thinking you were staring at the door waiting for me.
To be clear, this is not another booty call.
It can be a booty call.
When are you going to let me take you out on a date? Why? Well, cos people need to eat, don't they? I mean you must get hungry at some point during the day.
I'll take you to a Really giving me the run around, aren't you? I think you love it.
Yeah, I do sort of love it.
Is Mr Boss Man still here? Mm, he just left.
Mm He fancies you! No, he doesn't! He's married.
Yeah, it never stops them.
What time is it? Mm Half three.
I might have to go to bed.
No! Yes! No, don't leave me! Okay, goodnight, guys.
I'm going to bed.
Amara! I see.
Do us proud, queen.
Okay, night-night.
Love you.
Love you.
Right, we need more booze! Hey, do one of you guys have a light? Wow.
Smoking weed in the street.
Reminds me of my youth.
How old are you guys? [19.
God, so young! Everyone I know has got so old and unfun, and I'm like, "Sorry I want to live before I die.
" You know? MUSIC: That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings Make yourself at home, lads! Holdin' back, everyday the same Don't wanna be a loner ♪ Now that .
is for you, madam.
Ah! And a shiraz Ame, ame, ame ♪ - [THEY SING ALONG.]
- They call me hell They call me Stacey They call me Her They call me Jane That's not my name That's not my name That's not my name That's not my name They call me quiet But I'm a riot Mary-Jo-Lisa Always the same - That's not my name ♪ - [MUSIC FADES.]
Maggie? Maggie? Mm! Mm-hm? My laptop's gone.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
We've looked everywhere.
Mine's gone too.
I always keep it here.
Mine was playing music in the kitchen, but I I don't get it, who would've taken it? We knew everyone who was here.
Do you think it was one of those boys? What boys? The guys I met outside the Londis.
I invited them in for a bit.
I didn't see them leave Maggie I'm sorry.
Do you know their names? Where they live? No.
Fuck! Why did you invite them?? Okay, I'm I'm gonna buy you a new laptop.
We'll split the cost and then I'll pay you back.
And what am I gonna tell school? I need that laptop for work, Maggie.
Okay, I am going to fix this.
Just trust me.
I'm gonna sort this out today.
And I think we can all agree there is one woman who is the absolute opposite of a dodgy dealer and that is - .
Her Majesty The Queen! - [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Yes, we're here to celebrate her Diamond Jubilee - that's 60 years on the throne, ladies and gentlemen.
- Give it up! - [CHEERING.]
Go on! Go and have a pork pie, knock yourself out.
Go on.
James? Yeah? I'm Maggie.
I texted you earlier today.
Oh, what? What is this emergency? Look, if it's about the washing machine, you're just gonna have to live with it.
Just put some towels down and mop up the liquid.
No, it's not about that.
What's wrong with the washing machine? Nothing.
I'm sure it's fine.
Can we talk somewhere a bit more quiet? So that is the long and the short of it.
We will not be paying our rent this month, because we can't.
And it will never happen again, but this is just gonna have to be our month off, like a fallow month.
Yeah, you can't be serious? I am.
Well, you can't not pay your rent.
Yeah, but you heard what happened.
Yeah, I'm afraid it's not my problem.
Come on.
Look, let's just be real for a moment here.
That place is falling apart.
You are massively over-charging us.
We've lived there for months and we never bother you.
Just give us this one on the house.
Sorry, it's out of the question.
I can let you pay this month's late if it'll help.
How late? I'll give you a week.
Oh, I feel sick.
Big night? Yeah.
Well, you know, there's only ever one thing for it to get you through, and that is to carry on drinking.
I forgot.
You were, like, quite a big party boy in the '90s, weren't you? Well, I tried.
Do you like to get high? Why? Got a couple of bombs of Mandy leftover from last night.
Yeah? Yeah.
You wouldn't want to Nah.
No, what, what, what? What, what? What? Well, you wouldn't want to take 'em, would you? You know, it is a big day, isn't it? Right? Yeah.
Like, I feel like it's what she would want.
You're not going to put this on Twitter, are you? No.
Yeah, all right.
Go on, yeah.
Oh Oh, they're They're quite big, aren't they? Mm-hm.
We'll feel it like in, like, 40 minutes.
And it's a mellow high.
It's, like, a really nice mellow high.
MUSIC: On A Ragga Tip by SL2 You know, I'd forgotten how amazing this feels.
It's amazing.
Mm Thanks for saying we could pay our rent late.
Hm? It's fine.
And it's fine if it's, like, six months late, isn't it? Mm Yeah.
Yeah, you see, you know, I know what it's like to be young.
I love you, James.
You're the best.
Will you stroke my scalp? Mmm.
No, not my hair, my scalp.
TV: The penguin chicks are starting to gain confidence Hey.
Good news.
What? Our landlord is giving us six months to pay this month's rent late.
So I'll use this month's rent to buy Nell a new laptop next week.
And I'll do leafleting shifts in the evening and weekends.
Thank fuck! How did you manage that? I accidentally got high with him.
What is it with you taking Class As with old men? Come and meet me for a drink? Mate.
No, we're hanging.
We've been cleaning the house all day.
Oh, pleeeease, Amara.
I don't want to go to bed.
Maggie, you're chasing the night.
And there's nothing out there for you.
No, you are putting off the come down.
And every time you put off the come down, it doubles.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Love you.
Hey, you.
Hey! It's been ages.
How are you? I'm at a party.
I want to see you.
Where? Liverpool.
Oh, yeah, you're still studying there.
Just get a train.
I think the last train's gone.
It's over 200 miles away.
How much will that cost? 300? I have £150.
Can you turn it up a bit, please? - Hey.
How are you? - Hey.
Good you? Yeah.
Oh, Okay.
What happened to the party? Oh, it ended.
- But it's Okay, yeah, party for two.
- Mm.
Why are you living at your parents' house? Are you not doing your PhD? No, I am.
Me and my girlfriend, we broke up.
So, yeah, yeah, I had to move out.
I'm so sorry.
It's Okay.
Erm head upstairs.
- Yeah, I'll grab us a drink.
- Okay.
Ah, sorry.
I've drunk way too much tonight.
It's Okay.
We can just hang out.
I think ending that relationship kind of broke my dick.
It's Okay.
It will fix itself.
They nearly always do.
Sometimes, I think I'm addicted to being awake.
Maybe you're scared of being asleep.
I guess so.
Why? Don't know.
Feels like being dead.
I think it'll be fun, being dead.
Why? Wouldn't have to worry about anything.
Sounds awful.
I never want to die.
We have to die.
It's what gives life meaning.
I hate it when people say stuff like that.
It's all meaningless, anyway.
We're literally lying on a cartoon duvet, smoking weed.
You can keep your bit of meaning.
It's too high a price to pay for an eternity of nothingness.
I never want to not be here.
- Shall we try to sleep? - Okay.
Where you going? Home.
- Mags? - Hey.
Where are you? Er.
Liverpool, weirdly.
What are you doing in Liverpool? The Beatles walking tour.
I don't know.
Why didn't you pick up my calls? I was asleep.
Are you on your way home? Okay, you have to know, I literally would rather walk back along the motorway to London than ask you this.
In fact, I did check how long it would take and it's two days, ten hours, which would be fine, but I do have a really important meeting tomorrow morning, and I need to get a train ticket home and I don't have any money left.
And I'm at the bottom of my overdraft.
But I will pay you back the minute I get paid next week.
I'm not transferring you any money.
I'll book you a ticket, and I'll e-mail it to you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Is your phone fully charged? Yep.
And I'm going to buy you a thank you present.
And I will cook you your favourite dinner.
I'll book you onto the coach instead of the train.
It's cheaper.
And it takes longer.
It will give you some time to think about the consequences of your decisions.
All right, Birdy, ease up a little bit.
I already feel like shit.
I'm really, really sorry.
I would do the same for you.
Thank you.
I love you.
She's alive.
Strange fear I ain't felt for years ♪ Shall we ring your mum? No.
She already hates Dad.
He promised he'd be there.
He missed my concert, AND he's forgotten he's meant to be having me for the weekend.
Why don't we get the bus to his salon, I bet he was working late and he's organised a surprise for you.
Hm? Yeah.
Stay here.
I'm not Maggie, I'm your dad.
My name is Ivan, and I like to be late for everything and marry loads of women.
Now let's hear that violin.
Go on.
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! And the crowd goes wild.
Now your dad's seen it.
You are the only person in the world who knows how to make me feel better.
- Martini? - They're for the clients.
Oh, your dad won't notice.
We are SO fun, aren't we? We are the funnest.
I had a very good friend The kind of girl who likes to follow a trend She has a personal style Some people like it others tend to go wild You hear her voice everywhere Taking the chair She's a leading lady.
♪ And to be honest, yes, it was too small.
I mean, in terms of square footage, we'll grow out of it very quickly, but .
there is planning permission for a loft conversion.
That's great.
So we just decided to make an offer and we'll see how it goes.
The prodigal son returns.
I didn't realise you had people round.
Mags, this is Danny and Fran.
Hi, Nathan.
What's with the erm ? Where did you get the ? There was a hen party on the coach.
Thought it would be a nice trinket for the For the living room.
Where have you been? Oh, Liverpool.
Oh, lovely.
Have you got friends who live there? Sort of.
Yeah, I mean, it was a bit of an impromptu trip.
Well, I was on a night out last night and I didn't want the night to end, but no-one here wanted to carry on but my friend in Liverpool did.
So I just got a cab to his.
Oh, right.
So what happened in the end with the flat? Did they accept your offer, or ? We're still waiting to hear back.
Well, it's not just about the night out, is it? It's also because you love drama.
Look, I'm a pretty reasonable guy, and I don't like getting involved in other people's business, but Belinda was really, really worried about you.
Well, I'm going to go and have a bath, so .
have a lovely evening, everyone.
Loft conversion.
Loft conversion.
- That was delicious.
Thank you.
- Oh, good.
How long have you known each other? Oh, a long time.
She was the first person I met at school.
So 13 years.
I know she's your best friend, and I know you love her, but I don't know how you've done it for 13 years.
She's pretty exhausting.
Coffee, anyone? Yeah, please.
Sounds good.
Sounds good.
I have a very good friend The kind of girl who likes to follow a trend She has a personal style Some people like it others tend to go wild You hear her voice everywhere Taking the chair She's a leading lady With no trace of hesitation she keeps going Head over heels breaking her way Pushing through unknown jungles every day She's a girl with a taste for the world The world is like a playing ground where she goes rushing Head over heels setting the pace She's extreme if you know what I mean She's one of those who always has to do whatever she please And she goes head over heels.

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