F is For Family (2015) s03e05 Episode Script

Battle of the Sexes

1 After consultation with the Mayor's office, drunk driving charges were dropped against Mr.
Jeffords.
Police then arrested this bartender for recklessly serving Jeffords.
- Elston Williams of 635th Street.
- Same soup, different cracker.
In other news, a special election will be held in the 12th ward to replace long-term alderman Edward Morewill, who resigned in disgrace after being caught with a prostitute and naming her pimp to the Cultural Arts Commission.
That bag of Bisquick never did a single damn thing for this neighborhood.
He doesn't even live here! There you go again.
So far, only one candidate is running to succeed Alderman Morewill: the Alderman's 18-year-old son, Teddy.
Currently out on bail for petting a dog improperly and repeatedly.
Great.
Another 50 years of someone who doesn't give a shit about us.
Trash sits on the curb for weeks.
Street signs get stolen.
How's anyone supposed to know we live on Beaver Boulevard? Somebody needs to do something about this! Well, how about you? Wha Wha What now? Chauncey, for years you've been complaining about this neighborhood and telling me what you'd do if you ever got a chance.
Well, here's your chance.
You know this community, and everybody loves and respects you.
You run for alderman.
I don't have time for that.
I got a job and three kids to support.
Three kids? Is Uncle Rosie Jr.
my brother? Ask your father about that.
For the last time, Georgia, I was 17! She was 35.
It was the Puerto Rican Day Parade, for God's sakes! And I'm not getting into this again! And I'm not running for alderman! Then I don't want to hear you complaining anymore! You won't hear me complaining! Who she think she talking to? Saying I complain all the time.
Run for Alderman.
What am I, Adam Clayton fucking Powell? Like I got 15 dollars to throw away on a filing fee, just to lose to some white guy smelling like wet dog and fried bologna.
Even if I won, like I got time to write speeches and kiss babies, have nightmares about dropping babies ride in an open limousine 'cause I got too much of an ego to put the bubble top up get assassinated by some crazy motherfucker with three names have Cape Canaveral named after me, pay upkeep for a fucking eternal flame.
Frank, you won't believe what Georgia wants me to do.
This gate's being redesigned to make room for our new 747.
So, we got to get all this equipment out of here.
- I was bitching about my life like I do - Just a minute, Rosie.
- Get the dead goose out of there! - We can't, Frank.
It's in so far it's stuck.
Oh, man, that'd be a great ending line for Fuck School! Get to the goose! She's telling me to run for alderman.
- Can you imagine it? - Yeah, that'd be crazy.
Stick your hand up its ass and pull! It's not that crazy.
If I did run, I could be a voice for my neighborhood and feel like I'm doing something with my life.
God knows I'll never accomplish anything at this place.
That's not true.
Look, I know you've had a rough time here lately, but once the dust settles, you'll be fine.
Back to the curb, you piece of shit! His blood sugar's low.
Step aside.
I guess I got to do everything for myself.
You and me both, Frank.
I'll do it.
Please rise for Alderman Chauncey Roosevelt.
Come on, you goddamn dead It's alive! It's alive! Turn it back on! Turn it back on! Whoa! Ah! Bullshit day.
One fucking thing after another.
Jesus Christ! Frank, where are your clothes? They're covered in goose! Oh, for Christ sake, Sue.
Frank, I told you last night that I was having the girls over for a focus group to get feedback on the new and improved Forkoontula.
But I already invited Chet to come by and go over the plans for the - Shit! - Dad! Oh, Christ, Susan, I just committed a felony! Your father was in his dainties.
You're seeing Chet? Again? You want me to kick everyone out so you can have private time with your boyfriend? He's not a boy, he's a man.
Maybe if you spent more time around him you'd know what a real man is.
Tonight is important to me, Frank.
I can't improve the Forkoontula unless I get honest feedback on it.
Okay, fine.
Me and Chet can look at the plans out by the garage.
Thank you, honey.
Fifty thousand people in my house.
It's like I'm living in a fucking bus terminal.
Fuck! That's-a not ragu in there.
Chili dog in your bun Chili dog, ice in her mouth Chili dog, she's going down south Well, that sucked.
Who'd think that coming up with a new band name would be the easy part? We're gonna look like ass at that gig without a guitar player.
Maybe we should've spent more time finding a replacement for Kevin and less time on the banner.
But that's a fucking great banner.
What the fuck? Hell, yes! That's what those jerks get for not appreciating me.
Wait.
We did that for a reason? I love when that happens! Let's fuck up some more places! We got a whole case of beer.
And I've got a whole list of people I want to get back at.
You failed me! You stopped playing my weather jingle! I didn't jizz my pants! It was dick sweat! You had the best pizza and you ruined it! Yeah! Hey! Some people are trying to have a nice, quiet dinner! Thank you, Paul Lynde and Kiss.
Eighty hours down, 200 to go.
Let's see how much we've raised now.
It went down? How is that possible? My cut doesn't change.
I'm switching the channel.
No, it's just getting good.
He's really close to going crazy.
At this point last year, he pulled out his gun and sang "Bésame Mucho" into the barrel.
You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? What? There's a girl outside the window and she's "Mr.
Goomering" at us.
Bill, your wife is here.
Ow.
- Hey, Bridget.
- Hi, Bill.
What are you doing with this pack of queer-dos? Come take a walk with me.
Okay.
It's dark out.
You just can't leave.
Watch me.
Whoa! Bill, wait! We talked about this.
I know.
I just wanted to say you and Bridget have my blessing, best boyfriend.
Thanks.
Are you two gonna slurp ass, or are we taking a walk? She swears worse than my dad.
Suck a dick! Sorry we have to be out here with the mosquitos.
I didn't realize Sue was having the whole town over.
I get it, pal.
My first wife was American.
It's so much easier now.
Even when she talks back, I can't understand her.
It's true, you can't! All right, let's build a room for that little accident of yours.
I expanded the plan a little so now you can fit a crib and a changing table in there.
This will be Sue's little dream workstation, so she don't have to change the shit diapers on her knees.
- Sue's gonna really love it here - I smell cigars! And I smell fresh blood.
Oh, great.
- Hi, fellas! - What's going on, Frank? Sue run you out of the house? I guess we know who wears the pants in this family.
I wear the pants! Well, Sue wears pants too.
But they're lady pants, not decision-making pants.
And if you don't mind, Chet and me are working on the plans for the baby room - and we're gonna - Ah, the blessed event.
You know, I got a bunch of baby booties in my basement.
Never worn.
We thought Ev was pregnant.
It, uh it was just food poisoning.
Thanks, but we don't need baby shoes.
I wasn't offering.
- Look, Chet and I were just - Do I see enjoyment of life occurring? You guys mind? This is just a Chet and me kind of thing.
Hey, all right! A cul-de-sac party! Say, Frank, you need spoons for when baby comes? I got a case of little spoons, with necklaces attached.
Might be adorable.
We're fine, Vic.
Look, guys, - Chet and I have work to do.
- You must be Chet the Jet! Hey, I love that Corvette of yours.
Sixty-nine, no catalytic converter.
Those are for commies and hippie freaks.
Well, that's a three-way I could get into.
Take a lot of diplomacy.
Fellas, Chet and I have to get back to work Why don't you grab a chair and join us, Vic? I'll join the shit out of you! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Thank you all for coming.
And, Nguyen-Nguyen, thank you for the shrimp mold.
I learn from Julia Child.
He great man.
Vivian and I think the Forkoontula can still be a big hit.
You've had the new, improved and heavier prototype for a couple of days now.
And you've spent some quality time with it.
We'd love to know what you think.
Pick up your bell when you have something to add and chime in.
Pun intended.
And fun intended.
Told you it wasn't funny.
Okay! Ring those bells.
Please don't be shy.
Um Well, it's still not What's the word? Good.
It's ungainly, it's complicated, the handle looks exactly like the knife, and it was just frustrating to use it.
Don't mind her.
That's just the cobwebs in her gagooch talking.
Thank you.
And what did you think of it? It's a piece of shit! I wouldn't use it to clean out the cobwebs in her gagooch.
- Ooh.
- Well, that was certainly honest.
Anyone else? It brought me back to my childhood.
That's wonderful! "Evokes pleasant memories.
" When I used it to slice ham for Babe's lunch, it reminded me of being a little girl in my grandfather's butcher shop.
We called him Opa Gunther.
One day Gunther wasn't paying attention while breaking down a pig.
He cut into his hand so deep.
The blood was everywhere, and I was too little to reach for the phone.
He died holding onto me.
This thing was worse than that.
These woods are pretty dark.
Isn't it the balls? Yeah.
Ah! What the hell was that? Ha, ha, ha, you and me Little brown jug how I love thee Oh, my brother! He's rebuilding his shit-ass, old, dumb fort.
Soon, like the mighty phoenix, you will rise from your ashes.
And I will beat off inside of you.
Frère Jacques He told me to stay away from you.
Maybe because I was the one that blew his fort up.
Holy shit, that was you? Plus I got him sent to military school.
You're so boss! Jimmy told me when he was in there, he had to shower with duct tape over his butthole.
When we run out of shit to do, we like to come down here, put stuff on the tracks, and watch the trains squash it.
I've done that with coins.
Smushed a Kennedy half dollar once.
Yeah, we used to do that.
What do you do now? Whoo! That was great! Oh, we're just getting started! Oh, shit.
Well, Chet, it's been real, but I better go home and feed the fish in my waterbed or they'll keep me up all night.
- No, stay.
- The night is young.
You look great! - Okay, good night, Vic.
- I got a flight lesson in the morning.
- What? - You're learning to fly? Chuck's teaching me.
You know Chuck? Chuck Yeager? They're letting me do all 40 hours in a row.
I get into shit! This calls for a celebration.
Frank, grab us some more beers, would you? My pleasure.
Fucking golden-headed dream stealer.
Chet is my friend.
- We're veterans, we should be talking.
- They sit there and put me down.
- But Vic's the belle of the ball.
- Evelyn can't make a baby.
- I've done it four times.
- Surfer beatnik.
Work my ass off, nobody appreciates me.
Think of Timmy and give, because sometimes a man's got to Aw, damn it.
Janice, you said it wouldn't touch me! There's got to be something better to watch.
The deadline to file - Another cartoon in a minute.
- Hobo Jojo! That show's for babies.
One year ago, at the Houston Astrodome, Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in a tennis match for the ages: The Battle of the Sexes.
He should have said Battle of the Doobies.
Shut up! This is interesting.
That was followed by more battles of sexes: ping pong, bowling, tavern darts, log rolling, Greco-Roman wrestling.
And tonight, A.
B.
S.
brings you the most exciting, electrifying, exhilarating competition the world has ever seen.
The Battle of the Sexes: Jai Alai! Am I pronouncing that right? Excelsior! You like this? Love it! I subscribe to Jai Alai-Lights For Children magazine.
Tonight's match pits the legendary Johnny "The Savvy Spaniard" Barcelona against Bonnie Jo Dumont, golf champ turned lady jai alai thing.
I'm not saying the two things are related, but my dog died yesterday.
It looks like shrapnel, but not shrapnel.
The heebs are ruining Hollywood.
Okay.
You can stop ringing now.
Vivian, where are you going? Sue, we tried.
Oh, we really did.
But it's over.
You're quitting? There's nothing to quit.
I bankrupted myself to help put our company together, but now it's over.
Well, what will we do? I'm a strong, modern woman.
I'm gonna go to Plast-A-Ware tomorrow, march right up to Tracy, look him dead in the eye, and tell him I'm carrying his child, and that I'm gonna have it unless he gives me my job back.
I suggest you do the same.
Want one? Uh, okay.
I've never had a cigarette before.
Just the candy kind.
This is candy.
Lung candy.
You ever think about how you're gonna die? It's probably gonna be my dad putting me through a fucking wall.
Aw.
He sounds like a real cocksucker.
My money's on me getting shot.
Uh Are we really gonna kill this thing? They kill cows to get the milk you drink! Where did you think that came from? From its four dicks? Oh, man, the train is coming! We can't do this! We're already doing it.
No, no, no, no! It's a living thing! Not for long! No! This is crazy! I don't want to be a part of this! It's just a sweet little moo-cow! We're just fucking with you! We don't believe in bovicide.
Come on, girl.
Oh, man.
You guys are such assholes! You really had Oh, shit! My dream is dead.
It's It's gone.
Look on the bright side, Sue.
At least now you know it was a mistake to try to have a career.
The heartbreak is too much.
That's why Goomer and I never tried to have another baby.
He still tells everyone it was food poisoning.
I know you very sad, Sue, but think of Forkoontula like Vietnam.
When everything you love is on fire, maybe the person who started the fire will pluck you out.
If I can have fresh start, so can you.
I'm not so sure.
What the hell? Another point for Bonnie Jo! Check this little lady for chest hair and a jockstrap! Go, Bonnie Jo! She's wiping the fronton with him.
- What are you watching in here? - Sex battle! They said Bonnie Jo was finished when she blew a seven-stroke lead on the last hole of the Nancy Kulp Invitational.
Her confidence was gone.
She thought she'd never compete again.
The world wrote her off as a has-been.
But now she's making an epic comeback in this other almost sport.
Go get them, girl! Oh, you'll see when you're up there in the sky, Vic.
You'll feel like you can reach up and tickle God's balls.
Oh, man, I hope he returns the favor.
I'll bet he's got long fingers.
Chet's giving me lessons.
We flew in his jet, and I run an airport.
I got to tell you, Chet, it's an honor to meet a real hero.
- Vic, in my book, you're the hero.
- He said I was the hero.
You've got what I've always wanted: no wife and kids holding you back, nothing tying you down.
You're chasing the dream.
He said he wanted a wife and kids.
You got to come down to the Air Force base sometime.
I'll show you around.
I would love that, Chet.
I'll buy you a T-bone at the Officers' Club.
Oh, we're gonna be pals.
You can't be pals with him, Chet.
You're a soldier, a man of war.
Vic would never hurt a fly.
He made me get a color television and he's a drug addict.
He has parties where midgets fuck on other people's cars! I can't deny any of that.
You're whining like a little war orphan there, Frank.
No I'm not, you are! What the hell did I do? That you know about? Well, fellas, sounds like we better call it a night.
Oh, are you sure? You're being a real bummer, Frank.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Sue! Sue! Sue, is everything What the fuck? Daddy, a lady is beating a man! I don't have time to watch cartoons.
It's sports.
Come on in and watch with us.
Christ, Sue.
I've had a hell of a Now this looks like a party.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is, Chet.
We'll all watch together and have fun! Have another beer! Make some room, kid.
Ow! Come on, you stupid cow.
We're trying to save you.
- Kevin, get out of there! - No! Ah! Kevin, you're a fucking hero! Kevin Murphy! Kevin Murphy! Kevin Murphy! Kevin Murphy! Kevin Murphy! And a vicious smash by the Spaniard! - Yeah! That's the one! - There you go, buddy! Kill that man, sports lady! Hey, that gal is pretty good with that basket doodad.
It's called a cesta.
It's called a cesta, Chet.
Every platoon needs a weirdo.
You're all right, Phillip.
Little motherfucker.
What the fuck? They're tied again, I think! Come on, Spaniard! Pound that señorita! The woman gonna win it! You mean the man might let her win.
Good one, Chet! - Let her win it! - Sexist pig! Why don't you men put your money where your mouth is? When you ladies put your mouths where our money is! Oh, yeah! I don't even know what that means! Okay, okay, ten bucks says the man wins.
Who wants that action? Doing all the housework for the rest of the week says she wins! Getting on topic now.
- Good girl.
- My money's on the filly! Whoa! You cheering for the enemy, soldier? Chet, beauty's never been my enemy.
Chet Oh, Chet, maybe we should call him "Vic the Chick!" Good one, Frank.
You can use it! Chet said it was a good one, Vic.
Yeah, it was.
You're damn right it was.
That's just what I said.
No, I said it.
This is it.
Quadruple match point or possibly halftime.
This sport makes my head hurt! No! Come on! We're watching this whole thing now! This is a special report from the Channel Twelve Action News Team! A stolen dairy cow named Heidi falls into a tiger enclosure and somehow lives to tell the story.
That and other "moos " at eleven.
Now back to The Battle of the Sexes.
Jai alai? Bonnie Jo Dumont is the winner! Oh, my God! Oh, we missed it.
Bonnie Jo gets congratulated by her longtime agent and roommate, Lisa Powell.
Two ladies in one house.
They really must be on top of each other.
Okay, the ladies win.
For one night.
Looks like it's dishwashing duty for you this week, honey.
TV dinners it is! - You tell her, Babe! - That's it! Chet make me dinner tomorrow.
She got you.
- Good for you, Nguyen-Nguyen.
- You've got an American wife now, Chet.
Well, I guess I do, Frank.
Time to cut up the credit cards.
You see that, Sue? Chet gave me the finger gun.
Back in my day we would go all night.
That was so fun.
You know what You know what You know That used to be me.
Let's get you to a meeting, little man.
Oh.
Chet even added a little drawing of the crib.
So sweet.
Oh, I told you.
He's a great guy.
Yeah.
I guess I got a little jealous of him.
You got nothing to be jealous of, Sue.
And I'm really sorry your focus group didn't go well.
Mm.
That's okay, honey.
Maybe it's time to move on to the next chapter of my life.
As long as I'm still in that book, I'll be happy.
Always.
I was just making joke.
Yeah, and I was the joke! "Chet make me dinner tomorrow.
" Don't you ever speak to me like that again! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't pull you out of a burning hole to have you disrespect a superior officer! Do I make myself clear? Yes, sir.
Please, Mr.
Chet, no consequences.
You got yourself the usual.
No going outside tomorrow, shine my shoes in the garage.
Okay.
And there will be no TV.
No! You monster! Don't take away my Kojak, baby!