F is For Family (2015) s03e06 Episode Script

Punch Drunk

1 [MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING] I got some great fireworks for tonight! Bought them from a guy whose jaw was just a flap of skin, so you know they're good.
That's nice.
"Finger Blasters," "Castrators.
" Oh! Oh! This one here is called "The Shaking Dog.
" I don't think any of those should be on your lap.
Good point.
I'm really going all out this year, Sue.
I'm gonna make Chet's first Fourth of July block party special.
Listen, about Chet.
I know he's your friend and he's helping us with the baby's room, but he may not be the guy you think he is.
- He's better? - Jesus Christ, Frank.
Why not drive him up to Make-out Mountain and queer off with each other? Ah, damn it, Sue.
What the hell's gotten into you? [SIGHS] The other night, I overheard him yelling at Nguyen-Nguyen and treating her like she was his slave.
Oh, my God, Sue that is terrible.
You snooped on Chet? No, I didn't snoop on Chet! [SIGHS] I was returning their casserole dish and he was saying all these horrible things to her.
Oh, come on, Sue.
He was probably just letting off some steam.
You know how many times the cops would be called if somebody heard the shit that comes out of my mouth? Christ, the state would've taken the kids away years ago.
We're not that lucky.
You're lucky your head's not through that fucking wall! And get a haircut! You look like a lesbian! See? People say horrible stuff.
Doesn't mean anything.
Frank, I'm serious.
Nguyen-Nguyen sounded really scared of him.
Honey, we don't know the whole story.
And I don't want to ruin a friendship and the party we've been looking forward to all summer over it.
[SIGHS] Fine.
For the sake of the block party, I'll keep my opinions to myself.
There you go! It's none of our business.
I mean, you wouldn't like it if someone stared in our window, listening to our personal conversations.
[CHUCKLES] He's got you there, Sue.
You see? [REDBONE'S "COME AND GE YOUR LOVE" PLAYING] Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [GRUNTS] Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [BOOM] [MAUREEN] Why did I have to get kicked out of my room? I'm not having a stupid baby.
I hate this too.
I just got the Kevin smell out of here.
[KEVIN] I wasn't doing anything! By the way, don't touch any of my stuff.
Oh, I would never touch your stuff.
I'll lick it.
[SLURPING] My Cracky Packs! [MAUREEN] Ow! Jerk! You better stay away from me at the cookout! - I'm skipping out on that dumb thing.
- [DOOR OPENS] But who will I hang out with at the cookout? Play with Phillip.
Mother, can't we turn the water on? No.
I heard there was a woman over in Little Warsaw who turned on her sprinkler and her children both drowned standing up.
Oh, fucking Polacks.
They fought Hitler on a horse.
- Hey, Bridget! - Buy me some ice cream, you 'mo.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] - Kevin, do you want to - Nope.
Hey, guys! - [TIRE SQUEAL] - [LAUGHING] [NUBER] Let's do some stupid shit! I hate my life.
You guys are so lucky none of your parents stayed together.
So, what do you wanna do today? We're gonna crash a big party down on River Street.
We have so much in common.
I like parties too.
But first, let's do a little fishing.
[KEVIN] Oh, man! They won't notice that for a week.
It's genius! [CHUCKLES] God damn it! I just re-bagged this one! [FRANK] The punch heard around the block! [CAP POPS] A little more red, just a dash more blue.
[COUGHS] Hoo! There it is! Have a swig, Sue.
It'll put hair on your chest.
Wow, Vic.
That's an impressive setup.
Yeah, I just got into records yesterday.
It's my new drug.
Pure uncut audio fidelity.
I got rock, blues, country.
Even the teeth-cleaning music you like.
- [FRANK] Burl Ives? - Oh, you betcha.
He came into the station once to promote Idaho potatoes.
Saw him pull up a chair and eat an entire cake in six minutes.
I was like, "I'm buying your album.
" You got "The Ballad of the Green Berets" by Sergeant Barry Sadler? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hands off my stash, Frank.
I was up all night putting them all in order by vibe.
"The Green Berets" is in the fuck jam section.
Hey, Murphy's! Chet's here! Vic, just play something already.
Hey, guys! See, honey, they're fine.
Nguyen-Nguyen is smiling.
Okay, okay.
Nguyen-Nguyen, what would you like to drink? Um I've got Dumpling, I forgot something at the house.
[CHUCKLES] Shrapnel.
If it's not too much trouble, could you run home and roll out the barbecue and grab a bag of charcoal? No trouble.
Oh.
Oh, and the hamburgers and hot dogs, of course.
Oh, and the beer and ice.
You don't mind, do you, sweetheart? No mind.
[CHUCKLES] Isn't she great? I am blessed.
It's gonna be a top-notch day.
Oh, yes it is.
We're all gonna play softball, drink till we can barely stand, then I'm shooting off fireworks, baby! [BRIDGET] You want to have some real fun? Let's ride in the street.
Uh, that's where the cars are.
That's where your balls are.
- Let's go find them.
- Oh, shit! - [BILL] Ah! - [BRIDGET LAUGHING] - [HONKS HORN] - [MAN] Goddamn idiot kids.
[LAUGHS] That was boss! Yeah! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Boss.
Okay, let's get some brews to bring to this party.
- I thought we were crashing it.
- We are, but we're not assholes! Our plan is genius.
We call it "The Push Out.
" [NIKKI] Watch and learn.
[NUBER] Morehead's mom is Greek, so he's hairy as fuck.
He totally looks 21.
Plus, he wears a piss-load of Aqua Velva, so he stinks like he's 42.
He casually grabs the beer and gets in line.
He has money and a valid state-issued I.
D.
He's totally supposed to be there.
He gets to the front of the line and he just runs the fuck out of there! - Whoo! - It's all about the push-out doors! I think he's got a gun! - I think he's got a gun! - Oh, shit.
- I'll kill you, you hairy motherfucker! - [ALL] Go, go, go! For the love of Christ! Do you think I'm made of trash bags? [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Vic, we need music.
When are you gonna start playing some records? Don't rush me, Frank.
There's still a lot of dust on here.
I don't think anyone's gonna know.
I know, Frank.
Okay, okay.
Hey, you having a good time, Chet? Does a bear shit in the woods? [ALL LAUGH] Yeah only a bear would do that.
[GLUGGING] [WHEEL SQUEAKING] You've got to be kidding me.
[GRUNTING] Hi, Nguyen-Nguyen.
Um, everything all right? Yes.
Using Forkoontula as ice pick.
If ice not dead before, it dead now.
Um [SIGHS] Listen, I was returning your casserole dish the other night and, uh I heard some of the awful things that Chet said to you.
Oh, that's just Chet.
He yells, but the next day he real nice.
Chet has a lot of stress.
War keep him up at night.
He has headaches, stomach problems, sometimes he yell at toaster.
Sometimes he say toaster yell back.
I can handle it.
But he treats you like dirt.
You're not in Vietnam anymore.
This is America.
Greatest country on Earth.
I'm sorry to bust up your little tea party, ladies, but do you mind if I borrow my lovely wife for a bit? Not at all.
She's not my property.
Nope.
She's mine.
And I got the marriage license to prove it.
God damn it, Sue.
Dumpling, I'm dying for some of your cao lau.
Can you whip me up a batch? Okay.
Huh, I thought cooking was the man's job on the Fourth.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing! [CHUCKLES] She didn't mean anything.
She says things.
Right, Sue? Yeah.
Must be the heat.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
Fourth of July is all about America, but I wanted Nguyen-Nguyen to feel included too.
So, I encouraged her to make a meal that reminds her of who she is, the village she came from, the family she lost, and the homeland she so desperately misses.
But if you feel I'm being insensitive, well, then I guess you know my wife better than me.
So I am truly sorry.
- Okay.
I give up.
- All right! Everybody's happy! Let's get this show on the road! - Hey, everybody! - [FEEDBACK] Welcome to our 14th annual Independence Day Block Party! [MAN] Yeah, thanks, Frank.
Hooray for America! On July Fourth, 1776, the 13 colonies voted to declare independence from England.
- In that spirit - Actually, it was the second.
What's that, Princess? They voted to declare independence on July second, they published the declaration on the fourth.
Sweetie, you're killing the one moment that Daddy lives for all year.
I thought that was Christmas.
Christmas is only fun for children.
When you're older it breaks you.
Run along.
- Unbelievable.
Slave driver.
- In that spirit of independence - Mommy, Daddy won't let me - Not now, honey.
- Am I even alive? - [FRANK] hot dogs, hamburgers, and illegal fireworks from Canada.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, the moment we've all been waiting for.
Gentlemen, strike your matches! [ROUSING MUSIC BEGINS] Well, after my voice changed, my new record bombed and my parents gave all their attention to my little brother, Rory Mars.
Tragic, depressing, and a little bit hilarious.
Well, that's all the time we have today for You Used To Be Somebody.
Hi, Maureen.
I'm bored, and Anthony has had three caffeinated colas.
You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? And the only thing that tames his wigglies is Hobo Jojo.
It's starting now.
May we indulge? Fine.
Nobody cares what I want to do.
It's not like I'm a new baby.
It's time for Hobo Jojo's Cartoon Roundhouse! - And here's Hobo Jojo! - [LAUGHS] [CHILDREN CHEERING ON TV] Hey, kids! Hobo Jojo's a little late getting to the Roundhouse because the station manager spent the makeup budget on his girlfriend's new headlights! We've got three full hours of Sleepy Ramirez cartoons today.
God, I hate this show.
And two of you will get to play our Coal Car Carnival Game for big prizes! Coal car carnival For all the girls and boys Coal car carnival It's full of toys and coal [MOREHEAD] When we get to the party, first thing, let's see what they got in the medicine cabinet.
I haven't snorted Midol since my mom had a hysterectomy.
You guys fucking rule.
Wait.
This is Claire's house.
You've been here before? I lost my boob-ginity on that couch.
[NUBER] Oh, righteous.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Whoa, that's a band? I thought that was the radio.
What the fuck? [NUBER] Throbinson Crusoe? [CHUCKLES] That is fucking genius.
I love dick puns! That's my old band.
No way! Did they kick you out? No.
I quit.
Why the fuck would you quit such an epic band? It's not like you can fall back on math.
They wanted to play Lifted Riffs shit.
You guys are way cooler than those losers.
Don't you try to give us hope! [CHEERING] [PLAYS BLISTERING GUITAR SOLO] This isn't happening.
That guitar dude is changing lives.
The music is coming from his soul.
I want to fuck that guy! I'll fucking help you! No! Sue bakes a hell of a cake, Frank.
You're a lucky man.
Hmm.
Chet, I'd like to think Frank's lucky for more than what I can do in the kitchen.
So very lucky! Oh, yeah.
Well, I bet she vacuums the hell out of a rug, too! [LAUGHS] She does! Come on.
Come on, I'm teasing.
[LAUGHS] He's fucking around, Sue! [CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
Chet's hilarious.
I heard him joking around with Nguyen-Nguyen the other night.
Okay, time for softball! [CHEERING] Same teams as usual? Ethnics versus normals? Hey, how about men versus women? I mean, we're all about equality these days.
I mean, we're not in Vietnam right, Sue? Okay, okay.
I think the usual way is just fine.
No, I think that's a great idea.
We'll have our very own Battle Of The Sexes.
More like battle with the battle-axes, am I right? [MEN LAUGH] You're right! Sue, for God sakes, loosen up, have a drink.
I'm pregnant.
That's right! More for us! Yeah, yeah, maybe this isn't the best idea, Sue.
It'd be too one-sided.
We wouldn't want to see all you girls getting weepy.
Oh, no.
No, you've got yourself a game, Chet.
We can take it.
Between us, we've given birth to seven kids.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Seven and a half.
[CHUCKLES] It was just bad clams.
Okay! Time for fun! Hey, Vic, put the records down, come play with us.
Don't rush me, Frank-o American-o.
We don't even need music anymore.
This ain't about music.
The records have to be clean.
I can help you do them later! Don't touch the fucking vinyl! Get the fuck off of me, you greasy little fuck! Oh! I blew it! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Jesus Christ, Vic.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry, Frank.
Another habit I'm powerless over.
I got to quit this cold turkey too.
[CHUCKLES] Ah! I don't do moderation well.
Let's play some fucking softball! So, listen, um [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Do you maybe want to be my girlfriend? Maybe.
Close your eyes.
A kiss means yes, and no kiss means no.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, look, it's that kid who got the stinger at the pool.
What a fairy.
Hey, you fucking cock goblin! Keep talking and I'll chop your dad's dick off and beat you to death with it! Whoa.
Kid, your chick is a fucking psycho.
Who you calling a psycho, shit-cocker? You gonna let him talk to me like that? Uh They're big kids! You better stick up for me, or I won't be your girlfriend.
Give me that.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I know what she said was pretty crazy, but she won't be my girlfriend anymore if I don't tell you to cut it out.
So, if you could act like I just did that, that would be so cool.
What do you say? Okay, since you apologized, I'm gonna let you Kick their ass, you fucking pussy! You are so dead.
Ow! [GRUNTING] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] [CROWD] Whoo! [CHEERING AND WHISTLING] Do you want to see my bedroom later? My mom won't be back till 11:00.
My mom won't be back till the rapture.
Murph.
You came to our show.
Holy fuck, Kevin, you really do know these guys.
I thought you were full of shit! We've been meaning to thank you for quitting, Kev.
If we hadn't ditched that Shire of Frodo shit, we never would've realized our true artistic potential.
Yeah, it's like you were this horrible parasite slowly killing our creative genius, but had the kindness in you to step aside and let us bloom.
Sing on, rock gods! - Kevin, you should quit more stuff.
- [CHEERING] [NIKKI] Let's get closer.
[NUBER] I want to know what that dude smells like.
[CHEERING] This is a song I wrote called "Greyhounds Ain't Just Good for Eatin'.
" [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Are you sure this is what you girls want, Sue? Oh, I'm sure.
The women are ready.
Okay, friendly game.
Friendly game.
You're gonna lose, you're gonna lose! I'm on both teams! [SCREAMS] [VIC] That's a scream for help! Gentiles with clubs, but I'm still having fun! I never tasted blue before.
Great job, girls.
A-pluses all around! You showed me how powerful the female spirit can be.
You ladies are heroes.
Each and every one of you.
We're winning nine-zip! Game's not over yet, Chet.
Exactly! We're just getting started.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] - [CHILDREN] Aw! - I'm sorry, kids.
Once again we don't have a winner in Jojo's Bum's Rush Ring Toss Game.
But thanks for playing.
Off my train, the two of you! - [CHILDREN] Ow! - Quiet! That game is hard.
It's impossible to win.
Only two kids have ever gotten all three rings around the bottles.
On March fourteenth, 1971.
Wayne and Wanda Jeffords of East Ferndale.
They're immortal.
Wayne and Wanda Wayne and Wanda Wayne and Wanda - [CHEERING] - Maureen Murphy, you're a winner! From a pasty paddy who's on the take, congratulations! Here's your toys and coal.
A joyous and warm winter to you.
You did it, honey.
You're my princess again.
And when you won, it made that awful baby disappear.
And both your brothers died.
Phillip, we're gonna go on that show, win that game, and make me famous.
You got me so excited.
Anthony too.
Wayne and Wanda Let's see what our old friend Sleepy Ramirez is up to.
I thought you were boyfriend material, but no, you just sat there and got your twat punched! [SOBBING] There were three of them and they were gonna let us go! Jesus Christ, now you're crying? Somebody should buy you a tampon.
Fuck you! You started it! I was a lady defending my good name, you fucking jizz jacuzzi! I'm through with you.
Jesus, can't you pedal any harder? I think they broke my ankle! [SLURRING] Hey, you.
[CHUCKLES] I bet you get lonely in that big old drafty church.
Ginny, you are a very attractive woman, but I took a sacred vow of celibacy.
Oh, I understand.
Bless you, Father.
Not even with the devil's own dick.
All right, fellas, pregnant lady up.
Move in.
Move in at your own risk.
Okay, okay.
What's the matter, hot dog? You afraid of a girl hitting your best stuff? Sue, I thought this was a friendly game.
I'm a big girl.
Come on, meat, bring the heat! All right you asked for it.
[CRACK] Oh, Christ, now I got to move.
- Home run! - [ALL CHEERING] - Oh! Nice hit, Sue.
- [WOMEN] Whoo-hoo! Off a great pitch! Sue, you hit that ball to Saigon! Nguyen-Nguyen, I'm pregnant, run for me.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
Run for me! Run like the wind, Nguyen-Nguyen! Okay! Go, Nguyen-Nguyen.
[CHEERING] [MARIE] Attagirl.
Whoo! Enjoy it, Nguyen-Nguyen! Oh, hey, Chet, how's it feel to have a bomb dropped on you? Well, then I guess we have a game.
[SLURRING] Maybe I'll hit a homer now! [ALL] Girl power! Girl power! Girl - Ahh! - [ALL GASP] [GROANS] - My God! - What the hell was that? - Part of the game.
- You did that on purpose.
She was crowding the plate on purpose.
Thought you wanted to compete with the big boys.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Get her on her feet.
Rub some dirt on it! It's my eye! Are you all right, Mrs.
Throater? Why won't anybody fuck me? You hit her in the face! I'm sorry, Sue.
I'm confused.
Which one is it? You want to have a nice, friendly game with some cucumber sandwiches, and you broads start halfway to first, and we let you get there and kind of build you up and giggle, or do you want people competing? Because I'm good either way, Sue.
You piece of shit! All right, all right, he apologized.
No, he didn't! He's acting like a goon! Well, you were showboating around like a smacked-ass Cuban! Will everyone stop ruining my day? I just wanted to eat a couple of burgers and shoot off some fireworks.
God for-fucking-bid that happens! Jesus Christ, I got you yelling at him.
You're throwing at her.
And Ginny, get the fuck up! You got hit by a pitch, not a car! Okay? Your husband went gay.
We're all sorry! No one saw it coming.
Now I got seven more beers to drink before the grand finale.
So, both of you, knock it off.
No more showboating, no more beanballs.
And Ginny, take your fucking base! I can't believe you, Frank.
You spent the whole day making excuses for him and then when he throws the ball at my friend, you can't even stand up to him? I told him not to hit anymore women in the face with the ball.
Jesus, what are you on their team now? I'm not on anybody's team! You sure as hell aren't on mine! What the hell happened to Air Force taking care of their own, Frank? Come on, Chet, you're better than this.
Oh, so I'm the bad guy.
Yes! Nobody's the bad guy.
- It's just that - I get it.
Nice game, teammate.
Maybe we should take her to a doctor.
Take Frank with you.
Ask them to reattach his balls.
Come on, Dumpling, we're going home.
Yes, Mr.
Chet.
Oh, come on, Chet.
Don't leave like that.
- Sue - Thanks for the support, asshole.
[FIREWORKS BURSTING] I'm sad too.
Since my brother done did become a rock star, he got too big for his britches and, well, I don't wear none.
Tough break, kid.
Are you gonna eat this here cocktail wiener, huh? That's not for eating, little fella.
You light it with this.
[EXPLOSION] [KEN GROANS] Can somebody call the people mechanic? [SNORING] [BIRDS CHIRPING] Oh, my goodness.
What time is it? Mary, you would've been so proud of me yesterday.
I had so much fun, but a little too much Patriot Punch.
Oh, it's all a blur.
What good Samaritan brought me home? Well, hey, silver fox.
Ready for another porch pound? Oh, fuck me.
[SPEAKS GERMAN] [OTTO] Oh, very well.
[GINNY] Oh, lookie, lookie! - [OTTO] Yeah, okay.
- [GINNY KISSING] [GINNY] Ooh! [OTTO] That is not so good.
Agh! Agh! [SPEAKS GERMAN] [GINNY] Okay, who's gonna turn over? Me or you? - [OTTO] Just think happy thoughts.
- [GINNY] Oh, there we go.
- [GINNY] Mwah, mwah, mwah! - [OTTO SPEAKS GERMAN] [OTTO] Oh, what is What is that? Are those hot quarters? - [GINNY] Oh! Surprise! - [OTTO] Ah! Oh! - [MECHANICAL WHIRRING] - [GUNSHOT]