F is For Family (2015) s03e07 Episode Script

Summer Vacation

1 [KNOCK ON DOOR] [GINNY] Otto! It's Ginny! From the softball game.
I made you a two-day anniversary cake.
[KNOCKING] You can't hide from me.
[GINNY] One of your neighbors told me you were in there.
This time I will not go quietly.
[REDBONE'S "COME AND GE YOUR LOVE" PLAYING] Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [GRUNTS] Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [BOOM] Otto! The frosting is melting, you asshole! So those two are an item now.
Looks like getting beaned by Chet was the best thing that ever happened to her.
Yeah, she took three balls to the face that day.
Repulsed by my double entendre? Well, I better smoodgie-doo on home.
Enjoy your vacation.
I'll stop by and bring in your mail.
And don't you worry about Ginger here.
I'll take good care of her too.
The dog's name's Major, and it's a boy.
I'll be the judge of that.
Oh, lookie there! [CHUCKLES] When you're right, you're right, Frank.
[CHUCKLES] All right, well, have a good time.
So it's funny to you that Chet almost broke Ginny's face.
Sue, the woman's having amazing pity sex.
Now, Ginny, I [OTTO GROANING] No one knows who's pitying who, but they don't care! - [FRANK CHUCKLES] - Agh.
Look, this is our one vacation all year and I don't want to spend it fighting.
I promise, when we get back, we can yell and scream to our heart's content about whatever it is you can't let go of.
Well, I just added one more thing to that list.
Great, something to look forward to.
Come on, kids! It's time to jump in the fun wagon! More like a hearse for my soul.
Get in the car, sunshine.
Let's go, Billy boy! Time to swim, fish, and shit in the woods with your old man.
There's nothing to live for.
For Christ's sake, it's an ice cream truck.
Get over it.
We're Murphy men.
What do we do? We shove it down.
That's right.
And later in life, we take it out on someone else.
Princess, time to go! Just a second.
If we're gonna win on Hobo Jojo, we have to be ready.
We need to practice ring toss every moment we get.
Don't let me down.
Like the titan Argus, I will be vigilant.
Talking like that is why people punch you.
And like Atlas, it's a burden I bear with great Agh! Hey, Murphy's.
Oh, hey, Chet.
Sue, Chet and Nguyen-Nguyen are here.
I can see that, Frank.
Hi, Nguyen-Nguyen.
Sue, I've come hat in hand and I just want to say how really truly sorry I am for the horrible way I behaved at the softball game.
There's no excuse for it and I apologize.
Yes, he so upset, he torture himself by watching Jane Fonda movie.
And Frank, hey, you were right to call me out on it.
I hope you can forgive me.
Yeah, sure.
Right? [SIGHS] Fine.
Thank you, Sue.
You touched a humble heart today.
And to make things up to the both of you, I'm gonna start back on that baby's room.
I think I can make a real dent in it while you're away.
Oh, my God, Chet, anything you would do would be great.
How very nonviolent of you.
Oh, according to the pregnancy book, she's liable to say all kinds of crazy shit.
Well, we better hit the road.
Here we go! Bye! Thanks again, Chet! Safe driving.
Enjoy your vacation! Don't know what vacation is, but have good one anyway! [FRANK] Okay, who's ready for seven hours of car fun? And remember: no bickering, no moaning, no groaning.
And we're not making any stops either, so if you have to pee, puke or poop, you do it out the window.
And keep your hands off the fucking radio! [ANNOUNCER] Here's Tommy Tahoe.
No! I love the highway It's the place to be I love the highway From sea to shining sea Bad women drivers on the road Koo-koo Asians going slow It don't bother me Because I've got a gun under my seat And baby I'm free - [FRANK] Knock it off! - Frank! [HORN HONKS] [FRANK] We're here! Our first time back in years and it still looks the same.
Oh, an amusement park! I bet it has ring toss! Can we go there? Can we? Can we? Oh, no.
That place is full of a thousand thieves all sharing one set of teeth.
The Wawayonda Inn.
Kids, we used to go there when your mother and I were first married.
And that's where [CLEARS THROAT] Where what? - What happened there? - [BOTH] Nothing.
[KEVIN] Daddy wawa! Daddy wawa! Oh, my God.
Is that where I almost drowned? - No.
- Of course not.
But I think I remember You remember nothing! Hey, look, kids, an ostrich farm! Checking on the dog, hon.
I'm good with dogs.
"I'll put you through that fucking wall!" [CHUCKLES] [FRANK] Our amazing vacation has begun! Oh, it's beautiful.
Just like the brochure.
[GEESE HONKING] [LAUGHS] What were they doing? They're fucking, dummy.
Bill! Frank, I'm not sure we can stay here.
It's fine.
Just a little brush with Mother Nature.
Um, Frank.
This is a murder cabin.
- - Oh, for God sakes.
You go back a couple of decades in any house, you're gonna find a murder.
Frank, we can't stay here.
My parents only live 40 minutes away.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're not staying with those people.
We're seeing them on Sunday, that's all I agreed to.
What do you have against my parents? Sweetheart, I'm decent enough to keep my family far away from us.
Why can't you return the favor? Because I love my parents.
I can handle your mother.
She does it with a smile.
But your dad, he's had it out for me since day one.
Frank, you got his little girl pregnant before she could finish college! Oh, one thing! One little fucking thing he's got on me, he just won't let it go! Mom, I'm getting bit by mosquitos.
Can we go inside? [SIGHS] Uh, kids, we're gonna wait for the geese to finish up, clean the hell out the place, get that Murphy stench on it, and then our vacation will begin.
[THUNDER RUMBLES] [ALL GROAN] If it comes on quick, it goes away quick.
Trust me, this will pass.
[THUNDER CRASHES] Whoa! - [GEESE HONKING] - It's good for you! [THE COWSILLS' "INDIAN LAKE" PLAYING] Indian Lake is a scene you should make With your little one Just keep it in mind If you're looking to find A place in the summer sun You can swim in the cove Have a snack in the grove Or you can rent a canoe At Indian Lake you'll be able to make The way the Indians do - [ULULATING] - Everybody, hey! Indian Lake is a scene you should make With your little [THUNDER CRASHES] - [CLANG] - Ah! Shit! God, would it fucking kill you to give me one day of sunshine? Honestly, would it fucking kill you? I mean, this is why I don't go to church.
Fucking bullshit stories about some bottomless bag of fish, some guy walking on water with those stale wafers.
You know, no offense, but your son, he tastes like shit! [SUE] What are you doing out there? Oh, just my morning prayers.
It's my last day of vacation for a year, so I'm gonna go out in the fresh air, I'm gonna smoke half a pack of cigarettes in peace.
Oh, shit.
Hello to you too, Frank.
Mom! Dad! Oh, sweetheart, look at you.
You're glowing.
Oh, that's probably sweat because Frank won't spring for an air-conditioned hotel room.
[CHUCKLES] That's a good one, Stan.
- [LAUGHS] Oh, here we go.
It's always about how I'm not good enough for you.
Not bringing home the bacon.
Oh, don't be so sensitive.
Who wants to pick money off the Pop-Pop tree? [KEVIN] They're here! Nanny! Pop-Pop! - Hey, kiddos! - Here's my darlings! Uh, pardon me, young man, have you seen my little first-born grandbaby? Oh, he was certainly not as tall and handsome as you are.
It's me, Nanny.
Wow, Pop-Pop! You're rich! The fruits of properly planning out a family, son.
Sue, I swear to God, if your dad doesn't stop undermining me, - I'm gonna bring up your brother.
- You leave Louis out of this.
Your dad's very successful, Sue.
It's all I have.
Frank Murphy, you handsome devil.
You got all the answers, don't you? [MAUREEN] Your turn, Daddy.
Come on, give me an eight.
[ALL] Ooh.
"Pay mouse catcher 200 dollars.
" [GROANS] I can cover it for you there, Frank.
No, no.
I got it.
Dad! Pipe down.
I'm your ride home.
Speaking of rides, I see you still got that old station wagon out front.
Still making my daughter drive that, huh? I don't make my wife do anything, Stan.
It's fine, Dad.
Not as nice as the Cadillac I would have bought her if she'd graduated from college.
But Well, Sue's always had to do things her way.
And she got a '69 Ford out of it.
You know what Ford stands for, don't you, kids? [CHUCKLES] "Fix Or Repair Daily.
I don't get it.
Just a little good-natured ribbing, Frank.
Didn't you ever play organized sports? All right, who wants a steak? Big thick Appalachian steaks! Frank, you have a baby on the way.
Do you think you should be wasting your money on T-bones? [CHUCKLES] These bloody babies are way better than T-bones.
U-bones! From the best part of the cow.
Right by the bladder.
Frank, the rain is still coming down pretty hard.
Rain makes the fire nice and smoky! [FRANK] Ah, shit.
[WIND HOWLING] We're alone now.
You can tell us.
How's your marriage? Really? Angel, I play golf with the bishop.
For a thousand dollars, he can make it all go away.
[FRANK] Shit! What's wrong with him? It's not his fault.
Our whole family's cursed.
I'm going to summer school.
I got no band anymore.
Nobody knows I'm alive.
- It's like I'm not even he - I lost my girlfriend.
You had a girlfriend? Bridget Fitzsimmons.
Oh, that fucking psycho? Yeah.
You really think we're cursed? [GRUNTING] Never mind.
What's that, Billy? You say you like your new dad better? Well, if you're a good boy today, I'll take you out in the woods with me.
[EVELYN] Goomer? Uh Hey, Ev.
Having second thoughts about our marriage? Goomer, I knew when I married you that you were different.
But you've changed.
How so? You don't touch me.
And now I find you over here waltzing with an empty wedding dress and wearing Frank's clothes? What's going on with you? [SIGHS] Okay.
I owe you an explanation.
Sit down.
Honey, the truth is these are my clothes.
Frank's been stealing them from me for years.
And I miss them.
Why would Frank steal your clothes? He's a sick man, Ev.
And he said he'd hurt you if I told anyone.
So my silence, and sleeping in the basement, is an expression of how serious I took our vows on our wedding day, and also the only thing keeping you safe.
I just knew there had to be some logical explanation for your behavior.
Oh, it feels so good to get the truth out in the open.
So does that mean that we can be romantic again? Uh Yeah.
Oh, Goomie.
[EVELYN] Mwah, mwah.
Oh, my Goomie.
[WHIMPERING] [EVELYN] Frank's not gonna hurt you anymore.
[WIND HOWLING AND RAIN PATTERING] This is a great steak.
You would pay nine dollars for this in a restaurant.
I'd pay 50 to have somebody chew it for me.
It's a proud moment when a man can put fine steak on the table for his family.
Congratulations, Frank.
Not everyone can afford a meal like this with what your president's done to the economy.
He's your president too, Stan.
Oh, I had that Tricky Dick pegged going all the way back to that debate with Kennedy.
Shifty, unshaven, sweating like a whore in church.
Oh, Kennedy's father stole that election from him.
It should've been Nixon in that limo in Dallas.
They'd be naming airports after him.
The guy can't catch a break! How could you vote for Nixon, anyway, Frank? You're a union man.
On the rare occasion you do have a job.
In 15 years, I was only out of work for three weeks, Stan.
Oh, my mistake.
It's just that I was sending Sue a hundred dollars a month until the end of April.
Daddy! I told you not to What? You took money from him? There's plenty left on the Pop-Pop tree, Frank.
- You son of a bitch! - Frank.
I have fucking had it with you! Buying my kids' love! Hey, I've never paid for it once in my life! They love me for me! Right? Right? - Say it! - [ALL] Yes.
That sounded convincing.
Oh, you're father of the year, aren't you, Stan? At least with your daughter you are.
Hey, how's Louis doing? Oh, that's right, you haven't talked to him in years.
But I know! He's living a fabulous life in Miami with his roommate Jeremy! My son is a confirmed bachelor! Yeah, confirmed by that undercover cop in that bus station bathroom! You told him about that? He's my husband.
I thought I could trust him.
Grandpa, I think Uncle Louis wears cool shirts.
Well, maybe we should go.
I know when we're not wanted.
Ha! If you knew that, you would have left five hours ago! Hey, hey, Stan! You know what Cadillac stands for? Can't afford dick in Lafayette, Louisiana Ass-Cunt! Great.
There go the nice people.
I told you, we're cursed.
Oh, for God sake, what's your problem? I saw the place where I almost died! Almost! You're gonna convict me on an almost? Christ, if you stayed in the stroller like I told you, you would've been fine.
I was strapped into the stroller when it rolled in! Then take it up with Baby-B-Safe Industries! They designed that fucking thing, not me! Look, you can sit around and dwell on what happened 13 years ago for the rest of your life, or you can be a man and do something about it! I am doing something about it now! I'm leaving! [KEVIN] Dick! [GROANS] And what's with you? You've been whining and moaning since we got here.
This is a vacation, not a funeral! A funeral for my heart! [BILL] Dick! Oh, great.
All the kids are gone.
I'm right here.
Oh, sorry, Princess, I didn't notice you.
Nobody does! [MAUREEN] Dick.
Don't stray too far from the murder cabin.
Congratulations, Frank, you ran everyone off.
You ruined the vacation.
Oh, so I made it rain.
I told those geese to fuck on the kitchen table.
I hacked up the Van de Camp family in 1926.
All I'm saying is, this whole summer you've had a shitty attitude to every single person around you, except for Chet, the chosen one, who craps golden turds and treats his wife like dirt.
Oh, his wife, who you think is so helpless.
Hey, Susan, news flash, she survived a fucking war zone without you.
Nguyen-Nguyen is just your latest project to fill up your life since your Forkoontula went tits up! You take that back.
That was important to me, you son of a [GROANS] Oh, oh, God.
What is it? Are you in labor? Is the baby coming? Frank.
Oh! [GRUNTS] Oh, Christ.
It's coming now! Get on the table and take off your pants! - Frank, I'm - It's okay, you're panicking.
I got this! What the fuck are you doing? What does it look like? I'm bringing a baby into this world.
[LAUGHS] You idiot.
I'm not having the baby.
Heh-heh, you're not? No! I got indigestion from that truck tire you called a steak.
I think there was a beak in there.
[CHUCKLES] Well, that's what I get for buying beef at an ostrich farm.
You were gonna deliver a baby with barbecue tongs? It's safer than the Forkoontula.
[LAUGHS] That thing sucked.
It did! [BOTH LAUGH] Ooh, come on! You're a ring and a bottle.
Why do you hate each other? Ah, kid, you'll get them next time.
It's easy, see? [CLINKING] Step right up, everybody's a winner! - [MAUREEN GROANS] - Except her.
I'm not gonna let you ruin my life anymore.
Tonight, I un-drown.
Water, get ready to fill your lungs with Kevin.
I can't do it! [GURGLING] No! Shit! Shit! I take it back! I take it back! I was only kidding, water! [SOBS] Bridget.
Huh? Farewell, Bridget.
Ah! [SUE LAUGHS] And then she said the Forkoontula was worse than her grandfather bleeding to death! Well, there's your ad campaign! [BOTH LAUGH] - Oh, Christ.
- Oh.
We're screwed, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, we are.
Remember that night after the parade when we both said we weren't worried about the baby coming? Yeah.
Well, that was a lot of bullshit, wasn't it? Yeah.
I tried to finish the wallpaper and spent the whole night crying.
Oh, I know I watched from the stairs and went back to bed.
- [CHUCKLES] You're an asshole.
- I know.
[SIGHS] I think throwing myself into the Forkoontula and getting all involved with Nguyen-Nguyen was a way of avoiding all my fears about the baby.
I'm guilty too, with Chet.
Hey, but at least he's making that room for us.
You really think he's working on the room? I do! I'm stupid, remember? [BOTH LAUGH] Oh, Sue, it's so good to laugh with you again.
We're gonna be okay, right? Sure.
We're good parents.
We've got three healthy kids who are doing just fine for themselves.
[BABBLING AND SHOUTING] [PANTING] Ah! [SCREAMS] [MAUREEN] God damn it! I hate this game! Hey, take it easy, this is my house.
- [CRYING] - Okay, that's it.
We're closed.
Run along.
Oh, sure.
What do you care? Nobody wants me around.
And once this new baby comes, I'm gonna be a middle kid.
I might as well be dead.
Or Bill! Kid, a stuffed bear ain't gonna solve that.
Especially these ones, they're full of lice and Chinese newspapers.
I don't want a stupid bear.
I just want to be noticed! It's not fair! You're right.
It's not fair.
This game is rigged against you.
Life is rigged.
You think I wanted to be stuck here in this game booth all my life? Hell, no! I wanted to be over there running the Tilt-A-Whirl.
You get to sit on a stool like a god.
But no, that's Delbert's turf.
His old man handed it down to him.
That's how the world works.
The Jews run the banks and the Delberts run the Tilt-A-Whirl.
It's too late for me.
I just turned 17.
Huh? But you got your whole life ahead of you.
You can do anything you set your sights on.
All I want is to win a ring toss on a TV clown show.
Then you're in luck.
I'm gonna show you how to beat this here rigged game.
Here's the scam.
[GRUNTING] [COUGHS] [PANTING] You okay? You saved me, Dad.
And guess what? I did it.
I faced my fear.
Good for you.
Now get out of my pool, you fucking draft dodger.
Thanks, Dad.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
[CLINKING] Ah! Oh, no! Ah! Hey, boy! Thanks for looking after him, Goom.
My pleasure, Frank.
Enjoy your pants.
I will.
Oh, Kevin, don't start.
We just had a nice drive home.
I want to tell you I had a life-changing experience last night.
It was like I was baptized but with water.
And it made me realize something.
I'm through wasting my life.
I found peace and I'm gonna be a new man.
I love you, and I don't blame you anymore.
What? I'm not buying you a guitar, and you still have to go to summer school tomorrow.
- Get off me.
- [SUE] Frank! Come here! Oh, Christ.
Sue! Sue, what the hell is Want to see your baby's room? He did it.
Chet really did it.
Holy shit, he finished it.
What a friend.
All right, God.
[CHUCKLES] You got me back for a little while.
Bill, go to church on Sunday and tell me what happens! [BILL] Well, what did I do? No need to thank me.
I'm just a concerned citizen looking out for his community.
My name? Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
I love the highway It's the place to be I love the highway From sea to shining sea Bad women drivers on the road Koo-koo Asians going slow It don't bother me Because I've got a gun under my seat And baby I'm free Charlie Chan's played by a white guy - [MECHANICAL WHIRRING] - [GUNSHOT]