F is For Family (2015) s03e08 Episode Script

It's in His Blood

1 [LES CRANE'S "DESIDERATA" PLAYING] Desiderata Desiderata [MAN RECITING OVER MUSIC] Go placidly amid the noise and haste And remember what peace There may be in silence As far as possible, without surrender Be on good terms with all persons Avoid loud and aggressive persons They are vexations to the spirit [FEMALE CHORUS] You are a child of the universe No less than the trees and the stars You have a right to be here - [DOORBELL RINGS] - I bet that's the crib being delivered.
And we've got a beautiful room to put it in.
Murphy? No, but I'm fucking his wife! [LAUGHS] I'm just kidding, young fella.
Let me have that.
I'll gladly sign for it.
[GASPS] You can put the crib in the new room at the back of the house.
Congratulations on your blessed event.
And on behalf of the city, you are hereby ordered to tear that illegal room down.
Tear it down? I'm from the Department of Buildings and Safety.
We received a tip from a concerned neighbor that you built that add-on without a permit.
Oh, you got to be shitting me.
It's a safety hazard.
Nobody's gonna get hurt in there.
It's just for a baby! A hundred and fifty dollar fine, plus 50 more each day the structure remains standing.
- [GASPS] Oh, Jesus, no! - You made a pregnant lady cry, asshole! Is that what you do all day? Crush people's dreams? Only until five.
Then I go swing dancing.
- You never had a mother? - [SUE SOBS] You were just born with that clipboard in your hand? Well, fuck your mother for having you! What neighbor would rat me out? No fucking way.
[FRANK] It was Chet.
My God, Sue, you were right about him.
[SUE] He's just standing in the middle of the street.
[FRANK] What a sadistic piece of shit.
[SOBS] I have a COD delivery for some happy parents.
Get that fucking thing out of here! I didn't knock her up.
[REDBONE'S "COME AND GE YOUR LOVE" PLAYING] Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [GRUNTS] Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [BOOM] [RAILROAD COP] Now which two bindle buddies would like to play for Hobo Jojo's Coal Car Of Toys? - Pick me, Hobo Jojo! - [ALL] Pick me! All right, we know the secret to winning the ring toss.
Now we just have to figure out how to get picked by Hobo Jojo to play the game.
I've watched more than a thousand episodes over the past two years.
Fifty-eight percent of the time he's chosen blonde-haired kids.
That's not good for us.
You know You know what? - You know wha You know what? - Patience, Anthony.
One hundred percent of the time it's not a colored child.
[ANTHONY] Um, um, um But - [ANTHONY LAUGHS] - The lucky contestants are That lady swallowed a baby just like Maureen's mommy did.
These two happy tykes here! Their mother is with child.
You radiate elegance from your pores.
I want to sculpt you in marble.
Okay, Hobo Jojo, move it along now.
Back off, Ray.
A pregnant lady is the only thing that has never failed.
If we can get your mom to bring us to the show, we're guaranteed to get picked! Are you sure that'll work? [HOBO JOJO] My God, I bet your areolas are massive.
That gypsy clown should be shot.
He'd know what to do! [BOB] Frank, I hate to bother you on your day off.
Oh, who am I kidding? I enjoy it immensely.
We've got a major problem.
I need you over at the airport now! Bob, I've got a family emergency here.
Well, I have a Mohican family emergency! The unveiling ceremony for the 747's coming up and your new runway is totally fucked.
It has a 13 degree tilt! - [TIRES SCREECHING] - [PASSENGERS SCREAMING] Bob, why did you hire your cousin to pave it? The guy works at a bank.
I shot my mouth off at a family barbecue during a pulled pork blackout.
You got to help me, Frank! Jesus Christ, calm down, Bob.
I'll be in there first thing in the morning.
I'll take care of it, and the runway will be fine in time for the party.
- [SCREAMING] - Thank you, Frank.
You have a special place in the two working chambers of my heart.
How much shit can one man eat? - [BOWL SMASHING] - Ow! Quit fucking around and hang it up.
As you wish, father.
[FRANK] Don't you "father" me! I'll put you through that fucking wall! [DRIPPING] [BOB] I heard cereal through the phone.
What are you doing here, Kevin? My mom shouldn't have let you back here.
Oh, she's passed out.
Don't worry, I rolled her on her side like you showed me.
Listen, uh I know you kicked me out of the band because I was playing depressing music and I was a dick about it.
But I had a revelation about my life when I was drowning for the second time.
The old Kevin is dead.
But with every death, there is new life.
In my house we call them maggots.
[PLAYS GUITAR RIFF] I was lost but now I'm found.
And I miss you guys.
I'm sorry for being a dildo, and I really hope you can take me back.
- Okay.
- Great! But no more Elfin King shit.
You're on rhythm guitar.
No singing, no 17-minute solos.
No capes.
Not even at rehearsal.
Whatever you say.
I won't let you down.
All right, then let's get you started on the set list for our gig next Sunday.
We open with our Lifted Riffs cover, "Stroke My Weanis to Venus," then it's all originals written by Ben: "Born Underweight," "Ten Cents in Michigan," "Sleeping at the Bottom of the Staircase to Heaven.
" Well, Bridget goodbye forever.
Uh Hi, Jimmy [JIMMY] Fuck you, Bill Murphy I'll fuck your eye hole, Bill Murphy If you kill me I'll haunt the shit out of you! Ow! I warned you to stay away from my sister.
Why do you hate me? I'm protecting you.
Bridget is fucking possessed.
Her first words were [DEMONIC BABBLING] Wait.
You're not trying to kill me? Why would I do that? You're my best friend.
You beat me up all the time! - No, I don't! - Ah! Say I'm your best friend or I'll drown you in a puddle! [BRIDGET] Hey! Get out of here before I put nail polish in your insulin again.
Oh, man! Oh, man! I still can't see out my left eye! [GRUNTS] Oh, man! Oh, man! Hey, you.
Oh, hi.
What's this, huh? Uh Just some pictures, and the stuff you made me steal from the cemetery.
I want you to know I'm cool now with you breaking up with me.
I didn't break up with you.
Uh Yes, you did.
Uh No, I didn't.
"Thank you for 11 great days"? [SCOFFS] You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me.
I break up with you! You did break up with me! The fuck I did! I'm gonna get you for this.
No more Mr.
Nice Bridget.
You were being nice? "Think of me whenever you think of this room.
" Fucking war criminal.
God damn it! Oh, he built this well.
[GRUNTS] Such fine craftsmanship.
Frank, calm down.
You're gonna give yourself a stroke.
Yeah, I'll give him a stroke.
Right to the back of his fucking head.
How about a little support, Susan? Huh? I'm devastated, too, Frank! But this is a cul-de-sac, not Korea.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is now officially a war zone.
I know this guy.
He's just beginning.
He's gonna do to this family what he did to Nguyen-Nguyen's village.
The only difference is he's not gonna fuck me when he's done.
Frank, focus.
I hate him too.
I was the first one to hate Chet.
It's not a competition, Sue.
I'm just saying right now we need to concentrate on knocking this room down.
You've got plenty of friends around here who I'm sure would be more than happy to help.
[GOOMER] Boom boom goes the Goom Goom! - [WATER SPLASHING] - [OTTO] Oh, this is so much fun.
See that? Now this is a party! Son of a bitch.
Look, Otto, I'm pruney like you.
Oh, yes.
Oh, look how long I can hold my breath.
Hey! Frank, good to see you.
I just put together a last minute pool party.
Jesus, you look like hell.
What have you been up to? You know good and goddamn well what I've been up to.
The city's making me tear my baby's room down because you called the building department and ratted me out.
My God, that's awful.
Well, I would never do that.
Oh, bullshit, - you fucking two-faced snake.
- Frank, whoa, take it easy.
Yeah, have a dip with us.
Me and Vic are having a splash fight.
And Nguyen-Nguyen's been kind enough to cook us up some hot dogs.
Right, Dumpling? [SPLASHING] Oh, okay.
I love hot dogs.
Many animals in one tube.
Don't you see what's going on here? He's using all of you to get back at me.
Frank, why would I want to tear your room down? I threw my back out building it.
Oh, it's true.
I saw it all from your bathroom.
He did it because he's nuts! Look at this note he left.
"Think of me whenever you think of this room.
" I don't know.
That sounds pretty nice to me, Frank.
Only a piece of shit would be that nice.
Don't you fucking people see it? He gave up his holiday weekend to work his ass off to build a beautiful room for me for free just so he could call the city and have it torn down.
And then he smiled at me while tossing a softball up and down.
And he made my dream come true and took me up in a jet! He told a snack guy I was important! Don't you get it? It's all part of his evil scheme to punish me because my wife hit a home run off him! It's so fucking obvious! Frank, are you all right? You know the VA offers free psychiatric help.
Everyone here is with me, Chet, and we're all leaving together.
Right? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Mellow out, Frank.
Nama-stay, don't nama-go.
Ah, Christ, Vic, you were smarter when you were using narcotics.
That's enough for me to get started again.
Whoo! Thanks for the permission, Frank.
[LAUGHS] He was doing so well and you pushed him over the edge.
Don't you have some pants to steal, you sicko? I don't know what the fuck that means, Evelyn! Frank, we're gonna walk away.
We just need to ignore Chet and we'll never have to deal with him again.
Yeah, I'll ignore Chet.
And I'll ignore all of you! You are no longer my neighbors! [GASPS FOR AIR] Was anyone timing me? [MARMALADE'S "REFLECTIONS OF MY LIFE" PLAYING] The changing Of sunlight To moonlight Reflections of my life Oh, how they fill my eyes The greetings Of people In trouble - Reflections of my life - Oh, how they fill my eyes - - Oh, my sorrows Sad tomorrows Take me back To my own home God, this is well-built! - Oh, my crying - Oh, my crying Feel I'm dying, dying Take me back To my own home Thank you, Governor Lester Maddox, for stopping by.
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, you're taking me and Phillip to the show tomorrow, right? Right? - Right? - For the fifteenth time, yes, honey.
Leave your mother alone, Princess.
Sue, I need help with this tie tack.
God damn it.
Mom, hope you don't mind, I borrowed your shirt.
It's called a blouse, Kevin, and you look lovely.
It's for my show! - You have a show? - I talked about it all week! Yeah, well, I've been a little busy fixing a runway, tearing down my house, and pissing out 50 dollars a day, thanks to Colonel Cocksucker up the street! See? Daddy says it.
I never say that.
Honey, we're not gonna think about Chet tonight.
We're going to a nice party to unveil your new runway at your work, - where everyone loves and respects you.
- You're right.
Mom, you think it's good I'm back with Bolo and Lex, right? I mean, we're playing music I hate, and I don't know if the guys like me anymore, so I just I feel like I'm doing whatever they say to fit in Yeah.
Yeah, sounds great, honey.
Frank, we're gonna be late.
Be good.
Go to bed at nine.
And don't give the dog peanut butter.
I know it's hilarious, but it's cruel.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER] - Rosie, old buddy.
I hear you're running for alderman.
Have I ever told you what a huge fan I am of integration? Why are you reading that off your hand? I wanted to remember the things I feel so deeply about.
Cut the bullshit, Bob.
You think you can kiss my ass a little and I'll start doing you favors if I'm elected alderman? Uh Yes? Not too shabby, huh? Free booze and we're not even at a funeral.
Oh, the bubbles are tickling the baby.
[BOTH LAUGH] One more practice before tomorrow.
It's almost my bed time.
See, I've already lotioned my hands.
You better not be slacking off on me! I assure you, I've taken my training seriously.
Holy shit.
I don't remember doing any of this.
So Heidi here survived a harrowing ten minutes in the tiger habitat.
She's my little miracle.
- [LAUGHS] - [MOOS] I couldn't help noticing her udders.
I'm sensing she's pregnant.
Isn't she beautiful, Bingo? [SCREECHING] Bingo, no! Nice hands, nice hands! Nice [CONTINUOUS BEEP] [SIGHS] Lucky cow.
[SCREAMS] Fucking Bridget! I hate her! Flying in a plane now - Thank you, Tin Chicken.
- [CHEERING] And now, to welcome our new jumbo jet, here's the man whose people so kindly gave up the land our airport and nation are built upon, Chief Feathercorn! [CHEERING] Oh, almighty sky father, bringer of generous leg room and free cigars in first class, call down your great aluminum falcon and land him on the river of tar - where mighty trees once stood.
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] [JET ENGINES WHIRRING] [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Flattest runway east of the Mississippi, Sue.
[BRANDY] Let's give a heap biggum thank you to our chief of ground services, Frank Murphy.
I'm so proud of you, Frank.
And, as a special surprise, who better to make our inaugural flight than US Air Force Colonel Chet Stevenson! What? Oh, that is it, Jesus.
I'm going Jew.
How'd you get so good at guitar? I don't go to school.
[GIRL] Oh! Tambourine is way harder.
There's a lot of nuances to it, like, do you shake it? Use your hand? Or hit the side of your ass? I got bruises.
I don't remember seeing you up there.
Do you have any beer? I can get beer! No problem.
Really, Murph? Yeah! Anything for my bandmates.
I mean, who wouldn't for his best friends? Can I get you guys anything else? Beef jerky? Individual aspirin? Okay, I'm on it.
You want to watch me make squirrel stew in a truck tire? [BOTH] Ooh! We're gonna submit it to the Cannes Film Festival under the name [SPEAKS FRENCH] which loosely translates to "Horizontal Romance Academy.
" That's nice.
I got to say, this bird is a real beauty.
The kind of beauty that keeps a man up at night.
That's a plane you want to get inside and pray to God you don't break her spirit when you're pounding down on the stick.
You want to treat her real nice.
[GIGGLES] It sounds like you're talking about sex.
- Chet [GASPS] - I am networking right now.
Have you ever been in the cockpit of an F-4? I'm going to have to get you up there sometime.
It's a hell of a ride.
[BOTH LAUGH] Chet? Go make yourself useful and get us some cocktails.
I'm sorry.
That bastard.
I thought you said we were gonna ignore him.
It's not him I care about.
Hey, you want to huff some leftover tar? What do you want, diarrhea dick? You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me! You painted my bike, you hung a dummy of me! I wish I never met you! Just get out of my life, you fucking psycho! [SNIVELING] Why are you so mean to me? - [CRYING] - Huh? I'm a psycho? Because I give you all my love and attention? Would a psycho look over you while you sleep? You what? You think I'm a psycho! No, no, please, stop crying! You hate me just like my dad and my brother and my mom and my stepmom and my first stepmom! No, no, no, I don't hate you.
Just stop crying.
I didn't mean it.
You didn't? No, of course not.
So you don't want to break up? Uh No I don't want to break up.
Then be here tomorrow and bring money.
You're gonna buy me a hot dog and some smokes.
How the fuck did she do that? Damn it, Irv, you got to get me out of this gig.
I don't care if I have to suck off the cast of F-Troop! Nguyen-Nguyen, you can't keep letting Chet treat you like this.
I'm fine, Sue.
I'm a survivor.
[SUE] You don't have to put up with him.
Sue, you're a good friend.
But don't worry.
I'm helping Chet change on inside.
Deep down.
A little bit each day.
Nguyen-Nguyen, when you're in the middle of it, you can't see things clearly.
I'm on the outside, and I can see that it's not getting better.
It's actually getting worse.
You don't have to put on this brave face.
Brave Face? You know Moon Wolf Brave Face? Is he gunning for this gig too? I got to call Irv back.
Nguyen-Nguyen, you're not living in a rice paddy anymore.
This is America in the 20th century.
There are things abused wives can do to help themselves.
Talk to a priest, find a friendly fireman, watch Phil Donahue.
Sue, I know what I'm doing.
No, you don't! Sue, this is where I work.
- Please don't cause a scene.
- Everything okay, Frank? I hope we didn't offend Sue talking about our sex art.
Leave Frank alone, you idiots.
Can I freshen up your malt liquor, Rosie? Nothing to see here.
It's personal.
What is? Forget it, Chet.
It's nothing.
Looks to me like Sue's trying to put some crazy ideas in my wife's head.
Yeah, I'm the crazy one.
I see you, Chet, for exactly who you are.
An angry, sad man, who has to bully his wife around to make him feel big and strong.
Who had to burn down her village just to take her as his wife.
Technically, village was already burning.
What kind of healthy marriage is that, Chet? Is she your wife or your slave? I've always thought slavery was wrong, Rosie, but I would have paid top dollar for you.
[BOTH] Shut up, Bob! Listen, Chet.
I don't want anymore trouble with you.
Let's just call a cease fire and steer clear of each other.
Okay? Frank, I don't know what I ever did to make you feel this way about me, but sure.
It'll be a little difficult to steer clear of each other, though, because, well, Brandy's hiring me to take over your pilot training program.
You're gonna be working here? Isn't that great? I'm gonna see you around the neighborhood and the airport.
And if you ever get over your crazy obsession with me, we can even carpool.
I promise I won't look at you.
Enjoy the party, Frank.
Always a pleasure, Sue.
[MAN RECITING OVER MUSIC] Therefore, be at peace with God Whatever you conceive him to be And whatever your labors and aspirations In the noisy confusion of life Keep peace with your soul But do not distress yourself With imaginings Many fears are born Of fatigue and loneliness You got an I.
? No.
I have an idea.
It's called free beer! [LAUGHS] Ah! With all its drudgery and broken dreams It is still a beautiful world [FEMALE CHORUS] You are a child of the universe No less than the trees and the stars You have a right to be here You are a child - [BEEP] - [ROBOTIC VOICE] Two new messages.
Hey, buddy.
It's Chet.
Fun night, huh? Well, I am just enjoying a nice bowl of cao lau right now, in my house that is not under sanctions by the city, just, you know, snuggling up with my dumpling.
Can you believe we're gonna be work buddies now? Man, I am so blessed.
Sometimes I think, "Chet, what kind of goodness you putting out there that just gets you so blessed with these kinds of situations all the time?" Anyway, I did notice something at the party tonight.
You know, Sue seemed a little tense.
Kind of wound too tight.
Now, I am certainly not a doctor, but I think she's got a bad case of the hornies.
That son of a bitch! [CHET] The cure for that is real simple.
What you need to do [ROBOTIC VOICE] Second message.
[CHET] It's me again.
The machine cut me off.
Anyway, you need to get her on her tummy and show her who's boss.
Next time she starts all her nonsense yapping, she should wake up with a saluting soldier right in her face, ready for action.
Take that mean right out of her.
He is a fucking dead man! [CHET] Anyway, you want to drive to work on Monday, or should I pick you up? - [BEEP] - [SCREAMS] I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna beat that smirk right off his fucking face.
- Frank.
- Sue, do not try to stop me.
I'm not gonna stop you, I'm gonna join you.
How many slices do you want? I didn't do anything! They're at Chet's house.
Nguyen-Nguyen! [GASPS] What has he done to her? I think he's dying on her.
[RETCHING AND COUGHING] - Holy shit! - What happened? The wife was poisoning his noodles.
[ALL] What? Threw up two gallons of floor cleanser.
Poor bastard smells like he just blew Mr.
I innocent.
No talk English good.
I was changing Chet a little bit at a time, but tonight I got tired of waiting and poured in the whole bottle.
I told you, Sue.
I'm a survivor.
I I Book me, Danno.
[CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] [CAR ENGINE STARTS] [SIRENS WAILING] Man didn't know what was going on under his own roof.
[PHONE RINGING] [BEEP] [ROBOTIC VOICE] Leave a message at the tone.
[KEVIN] Mom? Dad? Are you there? It's me, Kevin.
Your son.
From the basement.
Uh I'm at the police station.
I got arrested and I need you to bail me out.
Hello? Are you there? Mom? Dad? Mr.
Goomer, are you listening? Oh, no, if I have a criminal record, will I still be able to get a job as a rock star? Maureen? Major? Come on! Oh, man, I knew I should've called Bolo.
Dad, they need my Social Security number.
I just said it was seven is that it? It's only one number, right? - [MECHANICAL WHIRRING] - [GUNSHOT]