Family Guy s02e15 Episode Script

Dammit Janet

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Billiam, are you there? Stewie! - Wh-what the devil are you doing here? - Billiam sent me.
He wanted me to tell you I killed him.
Now give me the other half of the amulet.
I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakech.
Don't! Please! No! Jeffrey, take the 9pm to Hounslow out of your mouth.
Oh, look at that.
Our little boys are becomin' fast friends.
I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you, and go get the sifter so we can build our sand village.
That's right.
A little further.
Everyone, meet Jeffrey, the newest member of the club of forgotten children.
Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low - What the hell are you doing? - Takin' down the Christmas decorations.
(music in headphones gets louder) Peter, I'm concerned about Stewie.
He doesn't seem to play well with other children.
Oh, he's fine.
You know, I was quite a troublemaker myself when I was a kid.
Your parents'll be home any minute.
Are you sure you don't want me to clean up? No, no, no.
Go.
Go.
It'll be funny.
Stewie needs to learn to socialise with other children.
- Maybe we should put him in daycare.
- Lois, his answers are out on the open road.
I say we give him a hobo pack on a stick, a can of beans and a pocketful of dreams.
Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about? Gordon? I got 'em! Ha-ha-ha! It's just like hunting.
Chris, stop it.
What will the neighbours think? Abner! Abner! The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer! Gladys, it took me two hours to work up the courage to rent this porno.
Now, are you gonna watch it with me or not? OK, Mommy's leaving you here for a while.
Try to play nice with the other children.
What do you mean, you're leaving me here? What is this place? - (man) Come on, let go.
- Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it! Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset.
You're gonna have fun here.
Look, if this is about the whole me-killing-you thing, it was a bit! I was doing shtick, I tell you! Humina-humina-humina! Oh! I'm so bored.
Without Stewie around, I have nothin' to do.
- Well we could get hammered.
- Oh, it's too early for me, but you go ahead.
(sighs) What happened to me? You know, before I was married, I led a very exciting life.
Oh, my God! The actress who was the girl in Escape from Witch Mountain! Maybe a part-time job would liven up your days.
Brian! That's a terrific idea! A job? Lois, the '70s are over.
Forget it.
Mom, you can't get a job.
The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet.
Hey.
Hey! Stay outta here.
Hey! Nobody better come in here.
I'm the Griffins' house.
Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
Uh If you get a job, who's gonna feed me and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet? Now, Chris, you know there's no such thing.
No! (wails) - Oh, now you've gone and upset the boy.
- Peter, this is a new chapter in my life.
The kids are growin', the nest is empty, and I need some excitement.
What are you talkin' about? Your life is plenty exciting.
For example There you go! Good night.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? I dozed off.
Goose! Oh, dear.
It seems you're still it.
(giggling) (laughs) Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play.
You sit here, Brad.
Stewie's it.
Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge! Oh, let's see, now.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
- Goose! - (wails) Oh, come on, now.
I barely touched you.
Really.
Stop it.
Stop your boohooing.
Stop it, I say.
Stop it! You see? You see? This is exactly why people don't respect the WNBA.
Hey, guys, guys, get this.
So Lois wants a part-time job, right? So I'm, like, I got a job for you, baby right here! The zipper's been broken for over a month.
I gotta use a damn safety pin.
If Lois is lookin' for a thrill, I could get her a job with the airline.
Stewardesses get to travel to exotic places, and their husbands fly anywhere for free.
Fly for free? Sorry, Tink.
Looks like I don't need you any more.
So, what? You're just gonna dump me? Just like that? You knew what this was.
A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting.
What made you change your mind? - Just my desire to see you happy.
- Oh! And to exploit your hard labour for free travel.
- What? - Shh! I didn't say anything.
Go to sleep, crazy lady.
(snores) Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep.
I don't suppose you have any Valium on you? No, of course not.
You're living the clean life now.
It's that pathetic little insect in daycare.
Janet.
Whining, insignificant wisp of fluff, she is.
Still, I find it odd that she's even on my mind at all.
What the deuce has come over me? (Brian) Well, well, well.
- Looks like someone's in love.
- Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
- Excluding that first "Ha".
- You're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
- Aha! Her eyes are green! - Thank you for proving my point.
Damn! Look at her, Leonard, sitting there with her curly ebony locks and those pouty come-hither lips.
My God, she's unappealing.
- Go! - Who said that? Mm? Who's got the big diapers? Huh? She's gone.
Good.
Well, I'm off.
Hi, Stewie.
H Um Er Y-y Leonard, you pudgy-faced apple-john, I will not be made a fool of! Here's your pillow, sir.
And your Sports Illustrated.
- He's putting his arm on my armrest.
- It's my armrest.
Is not, stupid head! And he keeps tryin' to take my apple juice.
- I'll bring you your own juice.
- Agh! Hey, he keeps licking his finger and touching me! Hey, fellas, I hope you're hungry.
Aagh! Oh, my God! Oh, no, my Go Somebody help.
Help.
Help! (sniggers) That was great.
Look at her, she's still shakin'.
Bastards.
That was beautiful.
Hey, throw me a beer, would ya? Stewardess, the plane just made my beer spill.
I want a free one.
Sir, all your beers have been free.
All nine of them.
And don't you forget it, Frenchie.
Now bring me another one - the movie's startin'.
Oh, come on.
Show me Morgan Fairchild in deep something.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Ah, you don't care.
Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready? Yes, Mr Griffin, even though no one else has any pillows now.
All right! I tell you, Leonard, women are wicked creatures.
They precipitated the downfall of history's most powerful men! So let it be known I want absolutely nothing to do with the wretched enterprise of love! Janet's coming.
Agh! Argh! Aa Er, yes.
Yes.
Hi.
Cookie? No, no, actually, it's Stewie, but, well, you can call me Cookie if you like.
Yes.
I Yes, I've also been known to answer to Artemis, Agent Buchwald and Snake.
Yes.
Yes, I rather like "Snake".
Snake Griffin.
Cookie! Oh! Oh, you want my cookie? Oh, yes, by all means.
Here you are.
Oops, a little bit broke off there.
Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles! Yes.
Yes.
Yes, you'II you'll get that one halfway back to your mat.
Ha! Ha Oh, God.
Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me with thine sweet, searing arrow? Stomach, cease thy lustful quake.
Argh! Unhand me, woman.
I don't have gas, I'm in love! (burps) Well, then, I guess it's both.
Peter! I'm home! (sighs) How was your day? Uh, my day? Hey.
Hey.
You OK there, Mr Crocodile? Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up.
You need some lotion, Mr Bad Skin? Huh? Huh? Huh? There you go.
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Agh! Agh! Agh! Oh, uh, my-my-my day was OK.
You know, the usual.
How about yours, my little sky princess? Bet it was excitin'.
Oh, yeah, if you like runnin' through a gauntlet of drunk, horny businessmen.
My ass feels like a pincushion.
I'm thinkin' of quittin'.
What? Lois, you can't quit.
What if Kurt Cobain had quit? Thank you.
And remember, say no to drugs.
Kurt, the label's excited about your seventh album.
Thanks.
You remember my wife Courtney Love? Who? (sighs) Well, I guess I'll give it a little more time.
It's like I always tell the kids - - A quitter never wins, and don't trust whitey.
- That's the spirit.
All right, here I go.
- Stewie! - Hello, Janet.
How about a push? Argh! Yes.
Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? You know, it's odd, Janet, but when I'm with you, I Oh, how do I describe it? (sings "You Make Me Feel So Young") - (speaks Arabic) - Excuse me? - I said "May I have a blanket?" - Oh, yes.
Of course.
Ha! I said "Will you be my wife?" You said yes, so it is official.
Let me touch your face.
Lois, we could use your help in coach.
OK.
Everyone? It's time for my one-man show - "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye".
OK, Act One.
I'm Winston Churchill.
Ooh, would you like some tea? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.
Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.
Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm W - My wife is very ill! - Yes, do you mind? I paid $380 for this flight.
$380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first.
This is my fourth trip today.
Just this mornin' I went to Kentucky.
Wait a second.
You're tellin' me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some fried chicken, and the Colonel isn't even workin' today? He ain't real.
He dead.
- What? - I say he dead.
Is Mr Sanders in? What wrong with you? I say you he dead.
The Colonel! My wife is a stewardess, so I can fly anywhere and I don't pay jack! - Peter! - Lois! You convinced me to keep a job I hate just so you could fly free?! If I talked real loud like that, I could make you look like the bad guy.
My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? It's like a baboon's ass on her face! Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's havin' it all! Oh, it's excitement you want, huh? Well, how'd you like to join the Mile High Club? Come on.
You be the stewardess, and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drillin' you.
- Ugh! Move.
I have a lot of work to do.
- I can't, I'm stuck.
- The passengers need me.
- They're watchin' the movie.
They're fine.
OK, everyone, this is a hijacking.
Peter, could you move your arm, please? - Uh.
Yeah.
Lois.
Lois.
- Please.
Move it over.
Try to the - God, it's like movin' a futon.
- Lois! - Just slide your leg over Peter, please! - Oh.
Oh, no, no.
Oh! Oh! Well, Lois, at least one of us is in the Mile High Club.
(Lois groans) Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over.
The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home, except one couple - a fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead.
Here's an artist's rendering of what they might look like.
I called Brian.
He's gonna watch the kids till we get back.
When will our passports arrive? - Check back in two weeks.
- Two weeks?! But I have a baby at home! We would have sent you with the others, but we didn't know you were stuck in the toilet.
- We weren't doin' what you're thinking.
- I was.
- We apologise for the hijacking.
- Ah, that's OK.
You people aren't like the communists they show on TV.
(man) We now return to "The Communists".
I hear report cards vere handed out today.
Vot were your grades? Uh uh uh - Qvit Stalin and answer your father.
- (canned laughter) - Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx.
- (canned laughter) - Do I Khrushchev? - Did somebody say Khrushchev? (dance music) I say, Janet, do you like this couch? Oh, you truly are beautiful, you know that? - Oh, Janet, our future is so bright.
- Cookie? Oh, yes, there'll be lots of cookies.
There'll be dancing, Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and What are you doing? What the hell is this? Is there something you need to tell me? If I'm the only one in this thing, I deserve to know.
I see.
Your silence says it all.
(lively Cuban music) This is great.
How the hell are we supposed to get home? We gotta get some fake passports on the black market.
Where are you going? You're never gonna find the black market.
That's what you said about that back-alley abortionist.
I'm glad you changed your mind.
But the point is, I found the guy.
OK, there she is.
(laughs) That is That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight.
Oh, hello, Janet.
Yes.
Yes, you know Melinda.
Yes, it seems she's, um Oh, what did we figure out, dear? Was it one? No, two.
Yes.
She's two weeks younger than you.
Just look at that butt.
That is a tight butt.
Damn! Not even a second glance.
This is what you call dolled up? Why don't you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens and a plaid flannel shirt? There it is.
The black market.
Lois, if we don't make it outta here alive, I should tell ya I promised my first girlfriend we'd meet up in heaven.
I was lyin', but just so you know it's somethin' we might have to deal with.
(Cuban-style Muzak) OK.
Two American passports.
Would you like to join the black market club? - Ten per cent off your first purchase.
- No, thank you.
We're not from the area.
Peter, just pay the man.
- Do you accept bits of string? - Sorry.
Store policy.
But, you know, there is another way for you to travel.
It's over, Leonard.
I suppose I should be grateful to that saucy harlot.
She taught me a valuable lesson.
There's really no such thing as love.
It's just a word used by Madison Avenue to sell their skin creams and two-seater cars.
Argh! It's no use! She swims in my blood now.
I must have her! Darling, why are we tormenting ourselves? We're perfect for each other.
I admit we've got our problems, like any couple, but true love conquers all! - I like you.
- You like me? Oh! Oh, well, it's not love, but it's a start.
Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world.
- Cookie? - Of course you can have a cookie! Stay there.
Cookie.
Cookie? Cookie? Cookie? You don't care about me.
It's my cookies! It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed.
You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-Ioving tart! Don't let her see you cry, old man.
Don't let her see you cry.
Well, we're finally goin' home.
I'm sorry I tricked you into that job, honey.
You deserve to have a more excitin' life.
Oh, Peter, bein' married to you gives me all the excitement I can handle.
I mean, look at us-on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic, under the moonlight, surrounded by refugees.
Yeah.
Uh, about that.
Uh Miguel over there has had his eye on you, and his wife Rosa is very open.
- What? - No, nothin'.
This is nice.