Family Guy s02e16 Episode Script

There's Something About Paulie

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Wakey, wakey, worthless domestic.
Time to make the inedible gruel.
Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey.
(fake wail) Blast! Whaddaya doin' lyin' on the couch at this hour? You been drinkin'? - Peter, you know I never drink.
- Just like you never dodged the draft? What are you talkin' about? I'm a woman.
Sure you are now.
Peter, I'm exhausted.
I've been in and outta taxis all day.
Stewie had a doctor's appointment, then I had to pick Meg up after school.
I had rehearsal for Death of a Salesman, but we can't show death at school, so now at the end, we dance around with sparklers.
Peter, we really need a second car.
Trying to do all these errands in a taxi is exhausting.
Oh, but you meet such colourful characters in taxis, like Alex Rieger and Tony.
And that funny foreign guy, in the garage.
Rieger, cab 402.
Nardo, you and your luscious melons are in 315.
- Now get outta here, you losers.
- What about the foreign guy? No way.
He's a nut job.
Show some compassion for once in your miserable life.
All right, can the waterworks, Jackie Chan, cab 302.
Ayii-a! - (cheering) - Thank you very much.
Peter, please.
I saw an ad for a used car that would be perfect.
Oh, no, Lois.
A guy at work bought a car outta the paper.
Ten years later, bam! Herpes.
I'm buying our car from a dealer and that's that.
Oh, look.
Oh, aren't you beautiful? Yeah.
Yeah, you like that, don't ya? Yeah, you're a bad little car.
What's that? What's that? You want me inside ya? Peter, look at this one.
It's safe and reliable and we can afford it.
I'll just see if I can find a salesman.
Hey, I'm Doug, nice to meet ya.
Whoa, have you lost weight? It's still there.
I'm parting it on the side.
We were more interested in that car over there.
- Lois, let me handle this.
- Peter, this car has dents in it.
And it's got a cardboard steering wheel.
- Yeah, just a second, honey.
- And, look, there's no engine.
- It just has a drawing of an engine.
- But it only had one previous owner.
- James Bond.
- I'll take it.
OK, let's see what this baby can do, eh? Ha! Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it.
Lois, this is crazy.
There's no way we can have maritals with you lying all the way over there.
I am very upset with you right now.
OK, so I tried on your bra.
Jeez, the fellas were puttin' on a show.
I didn't think I'd make a good Gigi either, but, God help me, I was flattered.
Peter, I'm upset because you never listen to me.
This is Atlantic City all over again.
- You've got 20.
- Hit me.
- 21.
- Hit me.
Hit me.
- That's 30.
- Hit me.
Ha! You're just mad about the car.
Don't worry.
I'll think of a way to fix it.
No, we'll think of a way to fix it.
I'm tired of being left out of all our decision making.
OK, honey.
- (high-pitched squeals) - (Peter) By the way, I bought a chimp.
Hey, Peter, you want a menu, or just the usual everything? - Aw, shut up, Cleveland.
- Wanna talk about it, champ? Lois has had the car all week and it's just been hell gettin' around.
I actually had to rent a Mustang.
All because I can't afford to get our new car fixed.
Why don't you just get another new car? Why don't you try a breath mint, saucy? I'm just sayin' that me and my associates will steal your car, and ipso facto your insurance company'll buy you another one.
Peter, you don't wanna get involved with the Mob.
Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? - I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen.
- Butt out, shlomo.
All I need is your address.
- You can jot it down on the back of my gun.
- Well, you do have an honest face.
Ah, crap.
I made a mistake.
Do you have another gun? Dharma, come down from there.
Wow, I can't get over what a free spirit you are.
(canned laughter) Lois, can you go down to the basement and do somethin' really loud and complicated for the next 15 minutes? - That's a fine machine, Peter.
- Peter, how can we afford this? Let's just say the car was a steal.
- Say that again.
- The car was a steal.
- This time without winking.
- The car was a steal.
Wink.
Look, Lois, we had a broken car, I did "something", and now we have a new car.
- Look, I said I'd handle it, and I did.
- I suppose you did.
I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Well, the important thing is it matters to you.
And that's the greatest gift of all.
Hey, Cleveland, check out my on-board computer navigation system.
Standard.
- (computer) Left turn ahead.
- Spanish.
- Va a la izquierda allá.
- Yakov Smirnoff.
In Soviet Russia, car drives you.
That's fancy an' all.
But I think you're bargainin' for more than you can chew.
You're in debt to the Mob.
That means they can ask you to do anything.
- Anything! - Relax, Cleveland, there is no Mob.
You're thinkin' of the Mob in the movies.
- How am I funny? - I dunno know.
You say funny things.
No, no.
I mean, am I George Carlin funny, am I Spin City funny, Rita Rudner funny, what? Come on.
- Rita Rudner funny.
- Yeah, Rita Rudner funny.
Really? Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Peter, please don't underestimate them.
I guarantee ya, I am never gonna hear from those guys again.
Peter, it is time to repay your favour to the don.
Aw, jeez.
At least that's one problem solved.
C'mon, Peter, the don is waiting to meet you.
What kind of a guy what's he like? Is he a friendly don? You know, like that Dom DeLuise.
I have asked you here tonight so that you may perform a service.
Whaddaya gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? Silence.
Big Fat Paulie's in town this week to attend the wedding of my daughter.
You want me to shoot him twice in the head.
That's sweet of you to ask, but he's my nephew.
He's also vile and disgusting.
No one's been able to stand Big Fat Paulie's company for more than a minute.
But you, Mr Griffin, you will take him to the movies.
That's it? That's all I have to do? Ah, thank Go Wait a second.
Which movie? Because if it's anything with Greg Kinnear, you can just whack me off right now.
Big Fat Paulie? The name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight.
- Big Fat Paulie? - How dare you? Are you Big Fat Paulie? I'm Louie Anderson.
Are you-please, God - Big Fat Paulie? (sneezes and snorts) - Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie.
- Hey.
Guess I've got milk.
(nervous laugh) Don't shoot me! Aw.
Someone's sittin' in my most favourite seat.
Hm.
Hey, I just got a great idea.
Girlfriend, you know what time it is? - No, what time is it? - It's time for you to get your groove back.
Again.
Well, uh - Bye.
- Where you goin'? - Home? You know, for dinner.
- Oh, yeah? What are we havin'? Oh, uh I was only supposed to go to a movie with ya.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Well, I mean, you know, like like no neckin'.
So I can have dinner with you.
Uh uh, sure.
That'd be better than having dinner with my family who I love and am not afraid of.
Hey, Lois, this is Big Fat Paulie.
- He's gonna be joinin' us for dinner.
- Really? What a nice surprise.
Peter, can I talk to you for a second? You can't just bring company home at the last second without calling.
I am gettin' tired of you doin' everything without consultin' me.
And - Do you mind? - As a matter of fact, I do, you crazy broad.
I am not a crazy broad.
Oh, no, no, Lois.
He didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor.
You know, he meant you're crazy like like that glue.
You stick to things.
You know, like an adhesive.
That's all he meant.
You have a pretty good appetite there, kid.
I bet you spend a lot of time in the john.
Sorry, what finishing school did you say you went to? Yes, good heavens.
Who taught you how to eat? Mickey Rourke? Why do I know that name? Damn you, Entertainment Tonight! Hi, I'm Bob Goen, and these are Mary Hart's legs.
Mary, you recently spent some time with Julia Roberts, didn't you? Mary says yes.
Tell me, kid, what are you, like, 27? - I'm 13.
- Still a minor, huh? - Hey, son, how'd you like to be a coke mule? - Peter, living room? No, Lois, kitchen.
Peter, I have a bad feelin' about this man.
He's not the kind of person I want hangin' around our family.
- Honey, you're overreactin'.
- Will you please just listen to me for once? That man is bad news.
I want him out of our house and out of our lives.
I'm gonna give you something to help you relax - Now! - OK.
Big Fat Paulie? There's somethin' I gotta tell ya.
Ever stare at the night sky and wonder if someone might be lookin' back at ya? No, but just in case Look at this, you freakin' aliens! Oh, uh Hi, Bonnie.
This is my friend, Big Fat Paulie, and, uh this is his big fat ass.
- What's on your mind, Petie? - Look, uh, we can't be friends any more.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, forget about it.
Aw, jeez.
It's not you, it's Lois.
She doesn't want me hangin' around with ya.
- Really? You're not just sayin' that? - No, no.
It's all Lois.
If only I'd met you first But whaddaya gonna do? - So, Lois is the problem, huh? - Yeah, but it's not her fault.
She just doesn't wanna see me fall in with a tough crowd again.
Cavity creeps! We make holes in teeth! We make holes in teeth! So, if she wasn't around, we could still be friends, right? - Yeah, sure.
Why not? - Oh, that's great.
Come here, you.
(grunting) (cheering) Willy Loman never made a lot of money, his name was never in the paper, but, uh You know, like, attention could be paid.
People are worse off than Willy Loman.
Jeez, come on, everybody.
I know it sucks, but they're just kids.
Peter, how can you sleep? I was almost killed.
Aw, come on, Lois.
The only victim tonight was the work of Arthur Miller.
- (rings) - Hello.
Hey, Big Fat Paulie.
No, Lois isn't dead yet.
Whaddaya mean, you're gonna fire that hit man? Whaddaya mean, you thought she'd be six feet under and we'd be able to catch a movie? Whad? - You thought I wanted you to whack Lois? - Guilty.
- It's not too late to have the hit called off? - Yeah.
Gotcha.
- All I gotta do is make a call.
- (machine-gun fire) Aw, jeez.
You OK? Oh, my God.
Look at this.
How could you bring a mobster into your own home? If you're upset now, wait till ya hear the rest.
I was talkin' to Big Fat Paulie the other day and one thing led to another, and - I sort of put a hit out on ya.
- How could you put a hit on me? That's not even the worst part.
Wait.
Yeah, it is.
- Peter! - Look, don't worry.
I got it all worked out.
We'll move to England.
Worst they got there is, uh, you know, drive-by arguments.
("Rule Britannia") I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B Stiffworth, the chap who's been touting the merits of a United European Commonwealth? - Why, yes, I dare say that's the fellow.
- Oh, let's get him.
Oh, Reginald.
I disagree.
(mandolin music) - I would like a "bunny".
- What kind of "bunny"? A semi-automatic bunny or a hand-held bunny.
Whichever bunny you think is better for shooting a guy in the head.
I've been lookin' all over for ya.
Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife.
- Where's the don? - The don? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Aw, come on, you know, the don.
- The captain of the Mafia.
- Peter, there is no such thing as the Mafia.
"The don's daughter is getting married tomorrow.
Here's my invitation.
" "Now, get the asterisk, percent, ampersand, out of here, you SOB.
" What's a SOB? - Dharma, come down from that couch.
- Uh-uh, goofy.
Why don't you come up? You know what? I think I will.
(canned laughter) Boy, what a mismatched pair.
A free spirit and a puppet.
Peter, thank God.
Did you take care of - That thing? - That thing? Oh, oh, you mean that growth.
Yeah, I had the doctor look at that.
Mr Griffin, that isn't a growth.
That's your penis.
Oh.
Well, what about the? Testicles.
Huh.
- I'm talkin' about the mob hit.
- Mom's gonna get whacked? - What did you do? - Oh dear, there are so many people to thank.
God, of course, and um who else? Oh, this is so unexpected.
- Oh, yes, Satan.
- I'm sorry, Lois.
The hit's still on.
- All I got was this wedding invitation.
- Wait a second, Peter.
The don's daughter's wedding.
That's perfect.
It's not that perfect.
We'll probably have to buy a gift.
And you know how bad I am at buyin' gifts.
Happy freakin' birthday, Lois.
Oh, my goodness.
It's a Ah, another sword.
- Thank you, Peter.
- Go ahead, try it on.
Didn't you see The Godfather? The don can't refuse a favour on his daughter's wedding.
- So? - So we can ask him for a favour.
- So? - So we ask him to call off the hit.
- So? - So Peter, I don't know how to explain it any clearer than that.
You can ask them not to kill Mom.
No way, it's too dangerous.
I got you into this and I'll get you out of it.
No, Peter, when we got married we agreed to share our lives.
- Good times and bad.
- So? - So we'll solve this problem.
- Wait.
You mean, together? Yes, because together we can do anything, face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone.
And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones.
Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better, because we were a team.
What the hell are you talking about? (computer) Turn right at fork in road.
- In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
- Boy, is that gettin' old.
I don't know.
What if somethin' happens to ya? I'm too old to start dating again.
OK, bachelor number one.
I'm an ice-cream cone.
How are you gonna eat me? I'd invite my friend Rudy over and the two of us would give you a double dip.
OK.
Bachelor number two? I'd lick off all the cream and give you my special whip topping.
Sounds good.
Bachelor number three? Well, I would try to eat you really fast, before I got flaccid.
- I'll be fine.
All we have to do is blend in.
- No problem.
(sings "Rhinestone Cowboy") For my next number Thank you very much.
- David Schwimmer? - Yeah.
Hey.
- What are you gonna ask the don for? - World peace.
- Number 34.
Three-four.
- Right here.
Peter, my good friend.
How good of you to come and show your respect, on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.
Yeah, sorry I didn't bring a gift, but the stores were mobbed.
Uh, I mean, mobbed as in crowded.
Not not mobbed as in you guys.
- (nervous laugh) - Who is this enchanting woman? This is my wife, Lois.
Ah! Your honour, sir, we've come to ask - Let me handle this.
- Peter, I thought we were a team.
Listen, Your Don-ness.
I got a little favour to ask.
Go ahead.
I am obligated to grant one favour on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.
While you ask me for this one and only favour, I will sit here and enjoy this very fine tiramisu.
- Oh, can I have a piece? - Granted.
- Next.
- Aw, crap.
I'm sorry I used up our favour, Lois.
You know what? Here.
It's yours.
No, no, really.
I insist.
Peter, I'm gonna be killed.
Does that mean nothing to you? Of course it does.
It means everything to me.
- Oh, God.
What have I done? - I'm not marrying you.
I'm not marrying you, you spoiled guinea Whoops.
My daughter, what is the problem on this, the day of my daughter's wedding? Larry wants to whack someone on our honeymoon.
Hey, it's my job, all right? This is what I do.
You two should stop fighting and listen to each other.
See, marriage is a partnership.
If you really love someone, you gotta work together, as a team.
I I learned that the hard way.
I didn't listen to what my wife had to say and now she's as good as dead.
- Oh, Peter.
- That's awful.
Is this your wife? Yeah, that's Lois.
Ah! I guess we could postpone our trip.
We won't have to.
I don't believe this.
She's the one I'm supposed to whack.
- Peter.
- Please, you gotta do me one more favour.
Look, I love my wife more than anything in the world.
Can you please shoot me instead of her? Such tenderness and love on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.
- Why don't I just call off the hit? - Oh.
Yeah, that could work.
Wait.
We're a team.
Is that OK with you? Because your opinion matters too.
Yes, let's get the hell outta here.
Thank you for a lovely time.
- Yeah, it's the blue sedan.
- No tip, sir.
Ah, nice kid.
Well, I think I handled that pretty good.
But but I would like a second opinion.
Here it is.
- Oh, my God, our car! - Man, am I glad I caught you.
I almost forgot.
Don't start your car - Hey, thanks for comin'.
- Oh, what a horrible night.
It's not so bad, Lois.
I learned my lesson.
And best of all, nobody important got hurt.
Marisa Castle de Joncaire