Family Guy s03e10 Episode Script

Fish Out of Water

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Peter, this is ridiculous.
|I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've sat there for two weeks.
- I have not, Lois.
|- He's right.
It's actually been more like - Yeah.
13 days.
|- You have to do something other than eat.
All right, all right.
Brian, let's go for a walk.
- (crying)|- Meg, sweetheart, what's wrong? My life.
That's what's wrong.
|I was totally humiliated at school today.
We're gonna do an informal survey here, kids.
Would those who are going away for spring|break please move to the left of the room? Oigan, quienes van a spring break,|pasen a la izquierda, por favor.
- Meg, what do those kids know?|- They know how to have a good time.
So do we.
I'll tell you what.
How about you|and I have our own little spring break? We'll go to that fancy new spa|that just opened up.
Massages and facials.
|It'll be great.
What do you say? I guess it couldn't be worse than last year|when we all went to Sea World.
(giggles) And how long has this been going on?! Lois is right.
I've been out of work too long.
I think you should find|something you enjoy doing.
- Take those guys out there, for example.
|- Where? Oh, yeah.
Now, that's a job.
|Fresh sea air, working outside.
That's how a real New England man|makes a living.
- That's something to think about.
|- What's that, Daddy? That's Mercury, Jake,|the planet closest to the sun.
What it's doing by the wharf,|we should ask a scientist I'm a guy, you jackass! Ah, yeah, that feels good.
Chris, don't forget to mist under his chins.
Oh, boy, Lois.
It's a real mess down there.
I'm afraid I'm won't be able|to do this in the time I quoted.
Chris, shut the hose off for a second.
|I have an announcement.
I am gonna drop this weight|and rejoin the workforce.
I have decided to become|a professional fisherman.
What? Why a fisherman? It makes sense.
You know|how much time I've spent on the ocean.
Wilson! What are we gonna do now?! - Wilson! Wilson!|- My name is Voit, dumb-ass.
Hello, Doreen?|I'm still over at the Griffin job.
Tell Walter I won't be able|to make it to the construction site.
So I don't know.
Have him send|Frank or Glen or Harelip Steve.
I know, it creeps me out, too.
So you think I can find a boat here? You wouldn't believe what we|confiscate from these crooks.
We open today's bidding with this pair|of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
- 50 bucks!|- She had nine STD's.
- 45 bucks.
|- And when we caught her, she wet herself.
- 50 bucks.
|- Will you sell anything that's not gross? Please direct your attention to this photo|of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat.
- Oh, man, that's perfect!|- $12,000.
- $13,000.
|- $25,000.
- Sold for $25,000.
|- Yes! - Aw, crap!|- Thanks.
And now the actual boat itself.
|Do I have an opening bid for the boat? - $50,000!|- Sold for $50,000.
Good for you, Peter.
Congratulations.
|You've bought yourself a cursed boat.
- Cursed?|- The last captain of that vessel lost his life.
And it weren't no accident!|His name was Salty.
And he was devoured by Daggermouth,|the man-eating bluefish.
You want to buy that boat?|Go ahead, take it.
Don't expect me to fish your dead body|from an angry sea that gave you fair warning.
Are you up for bids, too?|You are just precious.
- Are you gonna miss me?|- Only until I go and buy a Hustler.
I left you the number for the spa.
|See you in a few days.
Not if I strangle myself|with a seaweed wrap and die.
(chuckles) You are dark! You haven't told me|how you expect to pay for that boat.
There's got to be a hundred banks|that'll give me a loan.
- (siren)|- (woman screams) - So, you can really give me a loan?|- I sure can.
What sets us apart from other banks|is that other banks are banks.
- Now, I trust you have collateral.
|- I got three kids.
I'll take 'em.
Just kidding.
|Or maybe I'm not.
Sign this.
Here you go.
Good luck! - What do you want on your thigh?|- I want a skull.
OK.
I can draw Kermit the Frog.
|How about a nice Kermit the Frog? - No.
I want a skull.
|- OK.
I'll go ahead and do Kermit the Frog.
- Mom, this is so lame.
|- Come on, Meg.
Try to have fun.
I promise after a few days you won't|remember the words "spring break".
- (sighs)|- Hey, how about some TV? This is MTV|and we're rocking at spring break! Hey, this is VH1|and we're rocking at spring break.
leaving thousands injured.
|For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw, keeping it real and kicking ass|at spring break! Whoo! Here she is, boys.
The S.
S.
More Powerful|than Superman, Batman, Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.
She's a fine vessel.
|Welcome to the wharf.
Name's Hennessey.
Peter Griffin.
|Friends call me Peter for short.
I'll let you in on a secret, neighbour.
The|best fishing is at latitude 42, longitude 71.
- Keep that to yourself.
|- Wow, thanks.
I'll see you, fellas.
I got some fish to catch.
Let's see, latitude 42, longitude 71.
|This is it.
What the hell? Papa, he killed Mordecai,|the Dancing Yiddish Clown! Stop crying.
|You just became a man.
Act like one.
What's the big idea sending me|to that bar mitzvah? Cos I don't like you! We don't need any|more fishermen crowding up this wharf! - Fine.
You want an enemy, you got one!|- Fine! (grunts) There we are.
Steve, you ever think|of growing a moustache? Nice fish you got there, Griffin.
|What are you selling? Your bait? Nice face, Hennessey.
|Yes! Me, one.
You, zero.
Hey! - Wow.
So, how do you do it?|- Oh, you're very nice to ask.
First, I hang the old worm out there.
|They usually go for it.
I jerk 'em around.
They fight for a while.
|Then they lay back and accept it.
- How about we get together later?|- OK.
What the hell? Oh, dammit! (gasps) Hey, what's going on here? Did you read the fine print|on this loan contract? If by read, you mean|imagined a naked lady, then yes.
The bank's taking all our stuff.
And if you don't pay them within 48 hours,|they get the house, too.
Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank! Did I ever tell you if you're on birth control and you take an antibiotic,|it makes it not work? Because no one told me.
|I thought you should know.
I don't really feel like talking right now.
Fine.
I just don't understand why we had|to leave the spa so early.
I wanna go home and spend the next three|days in solitary confinement where I belong! Well, I tried.
(music/chattering) (gasps) - What the hell are we doing here?|- This is where you wanted to be, right? Yeah.
But not with you! Did you hear what happened|to that dude from UMass? He got so drunk he fell off|his hotel balcony! He's in a coma! - Oh, man! I want to party with him!|- You know it! Yeah! - Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!|- Yeah! Yeah! - Hey, look.
Meg made it, you guys.
|- Yeah.
And she brought her mommy.
- Oh, my God.
|- Come on, Meg! Get out of the car! Like the kids say,|up your nose with a rubber hose! Whoo! Hey, look, everybody.
It's Spuds MacKenzie! Aaargh! - Well, that's the last of the furniture.
|- No TV.
I miss my friends.
John Ritter, Florence Henderson,|Alfonso Ribeiro.
- Is he the guy from Silver Spoons?|- No.
He was on French Prince of Bel-Air.
- Fresh Prince.
|- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
I don't know if - Hey, Alfonso.
|- Yeah? - Were you on Silver Spoons?|- Yes.
There you go.
- Come on.
Just a little higher, honey.
|- Mom, I don't think I can - Who's holding Lois?|- I don't know.
Some dude named Mel.
This is Carson Daly.
We're live here|at spring break.
Who wants to party?! - (cheering)|- OK, one, two, three, four, five We'll need cake and juice for 14 people.
Now let's go to Tom Green, who's|gonna do something really outrageous! Does anyone out there like me yet?|Can I stop this? What the hell are you doing in my house? Your house? This is my house.
|My wife and I bought it from the bank.
I still got another day to pay back the loan.
The bank said you're a fat deadbeat loser.
Fat deadbeat loser? While I may not agree with what you say,|I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
There we are.
It's a Van Gogh print.
|Isn't it beautiful? I've fantasised about what this house|would be like with culture.
- The port is good.
|- Yes.
- Indeed.
|- Most certainly.
- What year is it?|- '51.
- Ahh.
|- Delectable.
- Indeed.
|- Yes.
- Oh, dear!|- What is it? - I've spontaneously combusted.
|- I am sorry.
I've grown tired of living.
- Very good.
|- For the best.
- Yes, indeed.
|- Is it raining again? Hey, did you hear the one about us? - Wow.
You are such a good dancer.
|- Way to go on that beer bong.
- Yeah, no fake.
No fake.
|- Mom! - Hey! What are you doing here?|- What am I doing here? - I've been waiting out here for hours!|- What? You were gonna pop inside real quick|and find someone who looked like me so I could use their ID,|then you were supposed to come out and give me the ID so I can get inside! - What?|- God, it's like talking to a three-year-old! You need to learn how|to loosen up a little, toots.
- You're loose enough for the both of us.
|- What? - Nothing.
|- That's right, nothing.
Don't you sass me! - (phone rings)|- Good evening.
Stevenson residence.
Chris, we've been over this a thousand times.
|It's pronounced "Griffin".
- Hi, Mom!|- Hi, Chris.
Put your father on.
- Hey, Dad?|- French guy says "Deodorant? What's that?" All right.
All right.
|I've got one.
I've got one.
OK.
Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates.
|Oh, God, wait.
How did that one go? It turns out they're Siegfried and Roy.
|I'm no good at telling jokes.
- Dad, it's Mom.
|- Oh, God.
Please be Somerset Maugham.
- Hello?|- Peter? - Damn!|- Calling to check in, see how you guys are.
- Oh, we're fine.
|- (laughter) - What's all that noise?|- Nothing.
Nothing.
- (Lois) I need you to take out the trash.
|- OK, Lois! Lois, I got to go.
Holy crap, Brian! What am I gonna do? Lois will be home in a coupla days|and we're getting kicked out tomorrow.
- What do you suggest?|- Get out your ring.
- That's not gonna|- Come on! Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of steam! We got these in a box of Frankenberry.
A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks|like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! Jackal? - Time!|- It wasn't right the first time! Why the hell would it be right|the next ten times?! God! I am screwed.
I'm gonna lose my house|and my boat and everything.
How am I gonna come up with 50 grand? You could whore yourself out to|a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks apiece.
Or 50 really fat chicks|for a thousand bucks.
What? Don't look at me like that.
Fat chicks|need love, too.
But they got to pay.
Agh! What is this? Sea water, courtesy|of that gentleman over there.
You need 50 grand, Griffin?|I got a suggestion for you.
Why don't you kill Daggermouth? Maybe I will, Hennessey.
You'd be buying yourself|a one-way ticket to a watery grave.
Daggermouth is the meanest, most ruthless|creature that's ever inhabited the sea.
Legend has it he dwells out|by Fish Stench Cove.
He'll kill any man that comes near there.
|I saw him once.
Sure, I'm blind in one eye, and my other eye|was infected that day from picking at it, and I was tired, and I'd been swimming|in a pool with too much chlorine, and my glasses were at LensCrafters,|but I seen that fish! If there's 50 grand in it,|I don't think I got a choice.
You can whore yourself out|to a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks.
- No, we covered that.
|- You ain't got a chance.
Daggermouth killed my friend Salty,|and he was twice the fisherman you are.
And half the weight! Ooh (sizzles) Hey, no! No! Hot! Lt'd be suicide to go after that fish.
|There's got to be another way.
- We could have a bake sale.
|- I think that's a neat idea.
No! I am not gonna let my family|live on the street.
Not even if it means ending up like Shamus.
Now, if you'll excuse me,|I have a date with destiny.
- So were you, like, in an accident or what?|- No.
Me father was a tree.
What's wrong with me? I gotta be crazy to think I can kill that|man-eating fish.
What the hell am I doing? Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, Peter.
|What kind of talk is that? Yeah, you can do it.
|Who's my big brave boy, huh? - Me.
|- Who's my big brave boy? - Me.
|- (raspberries) - This sucks, Mom.
|- Meg, stop moping.
These are the best years of your life.
|Let's get up there and live a little.
- I look like an idiot!|- No, you don't.
Come on.
Just move your hips a little like this.
- (chanting) Lois! Lois! Lois!|- Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! (chanting) Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Attagirl! Shake your moneymaker! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!|Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! - (all gasp)|- Oh, my God! It's a chick! - Ay, Dios mio, una chica!|- All right, everybody! This party's over! Why do you cops|always have to kill our buzz? He used a teenage colloquialism.
|Get the tear gas.
- Not so fast, big guy.
|- What are you guys doing here? We're gonna help you kill the fish.
- This will be dangerous.
We could all die.
|- Come on.
You're our best friend.
I can remember when you saved all our butts.
Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh.
Hyah! Too bad I didn't get there till after|the sodomy.
Let's go kick some fish ass! (cheering) (siren) I can't believe|I just showed everyone my tater tots.
Worst of all,|now I'm gonna have a police record.
If you're gonna grab ahold of life, you've gotta expect to get|your hands dirty once in a while.
- It was cool that people noticed me.
|- That's the spirit.
OK, one, two, three tuck and roll! We're right on course.
Give me another beer.
These are the precious moments.
The four of us out at sea, miles away|from civilisation, tossing back brews.
Amen to that.
You guys, here's one for you.
|Let's say none of us were married.
If you could have any woman,|who would it be? - Mariel Hemingway.
|- Really? - That's not a good choice.
|- She's so jagged.
I think she's very attractive|in a classical kind of way.
But you could cut a roast on her face.
- I would go with Margaret Thatcher.
|- Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? Oh, so nobody here thinks power is sexy? - Not one of you finds power sexy?|- How about you, Peter? The chick with the three knockers|from Total Recall.
- I never saw that movie.
|- One of them was papier-mâché.
Can I change my answer?|Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you?|What about you, Quagmire? - Taylor Hanson.
|- Taylor Hanson's a guy.
You guys are yanking me.
|"Let's put one over on old Quagmire.
" No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Wha Well, this is insane!|That's impossible! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I can't Oh, God!|I got all these magazines! Oh, God! Oh, God! - (gasps) This must be Fish Stench Cove.
|- Now all we gotta do is find the fish.
I wonder where that fish did go.
A fish, a fish, a fishy-o! I heard that when Daggermouth eats you,|he devours your guts first.
I heard he doesn't just eat you,|he eats your soul.
I heard that one of Shannon Doherty's eyes|is off-centre cos it's trying to escape.
Welcome, gentlemen.
- (all) Agh!|- It's him! Quick, shoot him! Not so fast! Perhaps I could|offer you a glass of port.
And you, a glass of starboard.
|That's a nautical joke.
- I'm a fish.
I'm also delightfully mad.
|- Agh! Would you mind holding still for a moment? These antique pistols|take ten minutes to reload.
- Peter, catch!|- Ow! Don't throw stuff at me, Joe! - Shoot him!|- Oh, yeah.
Right.
My God.
Isn't it amazing that that's|what we all look like on the inside? - It's a robot, you idiot.
|- Who are you? - I'm Salty.
|- Everybody said you were killed by the fish.
That's what I wanted.
I disappeared|and spread the Daggermouth rumour myself.
- Why?|- Merchandise.
T-shirts, mugs, posters.
I'm in talks with Nickelodeon|for a cartoon show.
- I'd pair him with an effeminate cat.
|- I'd watch that.
- Me too.
|- Sounds like a good balance.
And now I'm gonna give you|$50,000 to be on your way.
- $50,000? For what?|- To keep your mouth shut.
The longer we stay here,|the more people will question how a fisherman|with no engineering background built a sophisticated talking fish robot.
You know, honey,|I'm really sorry for how I acted.
Getting drunk and ditching you at the bar, and letting those boys take pictures|of you sleeping.
I was so busy having fun,|I guess I kind of ruined it for you.
- (car horn)|- Uh-oh.
We got company.
- Looks like your friends are back, Mom.
|- (chanting) Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! No, I think this one's all yours.
- Whoo! Yeah! You go, girl!|- One's an innie and one's an outie.
And now, back to "Daggermouth|and Boom Boom" on Nickelodeon.
Boom Boom, did you do|your exercises today? Yes.
I did 20 laps.
|And I'm about to do 20 more.
- Oh, you!|- Yipes! Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman|is working out for you.
I got to admit I half expected to come home,|and our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a lot of money.
- How can you half expect something?|- It's just a turn of phrase.
- How do you turn a phrase?|- God, you're dumb.
Thank God for that ass.
Now, come here and kiss me.
- Good night, honey.
|- Good night, Lois.
- Good night, Jim and Abby.
|- Good night.
- (raspberries)|- (Peter laughs) Not now, Abby.