Family Guy s03e11 Episode Script

Emission Impossible

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Let's see.
We've got soda, purple stuff Sunny D! All right! We now return to "The Smurfs".
- Hey.
You have a good time last night?|- Smurftacular! - I saw you leave with Smurfette.
|- We left the bar and she started smurfin' me.
Shut the smurf up!|Right in the smurfin'parking lot? - Smurf, yeah!|- That is freakin' smurf! - You smurf it.
|- That is freakin' smurf.
- (phone rings)|- Hello? Oh, my God! Peter, why are you staring into the dryer? I'm watching the latest episode|of Laundry Theatre.
Those are Chris's socks, right? They don't know that Stewie's shirt|is having an affair with Meg's trousers.
It's fun to watch rich people be naughty! Listen to me.
My sister just called.
Her baby's due any day now|and Ted just walked out on her.
Whoa, back it up.
You have a sister? I promised her I'd be on the next train.
|Poor Carol, all alone in that big house.
Carol She the one with|the Jacuzzi and the pool table? - Yeah.
|- I'll come with you.
Really? That's a surprise.
Come on, Lois.
|When have I not been there for you? - Get outta the car!|- Scream and you're dead.
Thanks for the ride, lady.
- It's the Griffins.
What can I do for you?|- Glen, we have a family emergency.
We really need you to take the kids|for just a couple of days.
In accordance with Megan's Law,|I'm obligated to inform you that - That's fine.
I'll take the kids.
|- Thanks, buddy.
Gosh, I never entertained kids before.
So a chick walks into|a gynaecologist's office Wha-ha-ha-ha-hey! Diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly! (giggles) Carol, we'll get you through this.
In a few days you'll have a beautiful baby|to smother with all your unrequited love.
And as soon as the baby can crawl,|it'll probably leave me too, just like my eight husbands.
Hey, Carol.
It's me, Ted.
|I came back because I love you and I'm just kidding.
It's me, Peter.
It was so nice of you to come, Peter.
|You're so considerate.
It was nothing.
(smash) (dragging furniture) Mr Quagmire, I finished the scavenger hunt.
Hold your horses.
Let's go down the list.
- An unsharpened pencil?|- Check.
A speed-limit sign that|doesn't end in five or zero? Your mom's hairbrush? - You win!|- Oh, boy! What's my prize? - A pencil and a speed sign.
|- I did it! I'll be right back.
Teeth and some toenail clippings|and we'll be ready for our date.
Carol, since Ted dumped you,|can I have his shirts? Ted's shirts? He's half your size.
I know, but check this out.
Carol, say "David Banner,|I just slashed your tyres.
" - David Banner, I just slashed your tyres.
|- Aaagh! (laughs) I'm priceless! Sit with Carol.
I'm gonna use the ladies room.
- Does she still take the newspaper in there?|- Yeah.
And after she does, I just can't read it.
Oh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here|any minute.
We'd better get moving.
You gotta relax.
You let that kid start|calling the shots now and you're screwed.
Is Mr Quagmire baby-sitting|all these people, too? Hey.
If I could rearrange the alphabet,|I'd put U and I together.
You must be a parking ticket,|cos you got "fine" written all over you.
Hey, there.
I don't wanna|come between you or do I? That's awful.
This is a song I've been singing|for a number of years, and I find it grows truer and truer|as time goes by.
(sings "Hungry Eyes") I'm hungry for you, baby.
|Come on, walk with me, talk with me.
(beeps horn) (panting) Don't worry.
We're almost there.
|Peter, why are we stopped? - I'll have three cheeseburgers.
|- For God's sake, she's having a baby! Oh, that's right.
And a kid's meal.
|And I guess I'll have fries.
If I have fries,|is anybody else gonna have any? I don't wanna be the only one eating 'em.
|I'll feel like a fatty.
- Nurse, this woman is in labour.
|- Excuse me.
I was here first.
My leg is asleep.
Oh! All right, let's see what we have here.
|The baby's crowning.
Oh! All right, I'm just going to put on|a pair of gloves and we'll deliver this baby.
These don't feel like gloves at all.
|They feel like used needles.
But this is where I always keep the gloves.
|Maybe if I dig deeper.
No, just feels like more needles.
|That's the craziest thing.
Now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer.
Oh, my God! Who's gonna deliver my baby? Honey, do something! No baby, but it looks like|Carol's blowing a bubble.
- Peter, that's the head.
Push! Push!|- I am! It won't go back in.
Not you, Peter.
Carol, push.
Peter, you pull.
Aagh! - Oh, my God!|- What? What? It's a beautiful baby girl.
A baby girl.
I'm so happy! But she has a penis.
|We'll have to do something about that.
- Peter, no! It's a boy.
|- Well, how do you like that! Hey there, little fella.
|Welcome to the planet Earth! Coochie, coochie, coochie-coo! (farts) - He takes after his Uncle Peter.
|- He's Carol's baby.
Give him to her.
Oh, yeah.
Honey, you were fantastic.
And you were|so cute when you were holding it.
I know.
I didn't wanna give it up.
Let's steal it.
No, wait.
I got a better idea.
- Lois, let's have another baby.
|- What? - Sweetie, you're not serious?|- I sure am.
The best thing I've ever done is being a dad.
Peter, I think it's a wonderful idea.
Why haven't you sent for help? I can't believe you wanna have another kid.
Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? Not yet.
Hey, look at this, Lois.
|It's our pet rock.
I remember the first day we brought it home.
See that? Huh? Huh? Bad rock! Bad! We do that outside.
|Look at him.
He knows what he did.
I found my baby book! Hey, here's the broken condom|that led to my birth.
And the resulting lawsuit bought us|this house.
You're my favourite mistake.
You see, Meg? I'm the favourite.
Ah, baby books.
Nostalgic for the days|of chafed nipples and episiotomies? - Somebody hasn't heard the news.
|- News? What news? What's the most wonderful thing|that could happen to this family? The Phillies won.
- You're gonna have a baby brother.
|- Or a sister.
A new baby.
That's wonderful.
|Call me when Kojak starts.
What?! Another baby? But I'm the baby.
Why|the deuce would they want to replace me? My cheeks are pinchable, my bottom|is smooth, my laugh is heart-warming.
(laughs) What's that? I certainly am not overreacting.
What happened to Bobby|when they added Oliver to The Brady Bunch? - Oliver, did you break this vase?|- No, the floor did.
He's so cute.
- Hey, everybody! I|- Bobby, you get back in the garage! It can't happen.
I was here first.
Well,|technically third, but no time for semantics.
This is Stewie country,|and I intend to keep it that way.
As God is my witness, from this day forward,|Peter and Lois shall not conceive.
- What are you doing here?|- Peter and Lois are getting intimate.
My God, I thought I had more time.
|I've got to stop them.
Whaaa! Whaaa! Mommy, Daddy, I had a bad dream!|I saw the bo Blast! What is that name again?|Bo Bo Bogeyman! Yes, that's it! - I saw the bogeyman.
|- Did someone have a bad dream? Why don't you sleep|with Mommy and Daddy? Peter, for God's sake.
Stewie's right here.
We can still do it.
|He'll just think I'm hurtin' ya.
Relax, honey.
It's only for tonight.
(snores) Roll over.
Roll over, I say! Smells like cheese.
- OK, insert rod support A into slot B.
|- That's what If you say "That's what she said"|once more, I'll pop you.
What you buildin', neighbour? We were keeping it a secret,|but you're my best friends, so I'll tell ya.
Lois and I are having another baby! We are so throwing you a shower.
Fat man, we'll see if Lois|wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar.
There we are.
Well, look at you there.
You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, you're looking for a bad time,|that's what you're after.
You're a dirty flirt.
You want it bad|and you don't care who you get it from, because you have no self-respect,|and that gets you off, doesn't it? Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's make-up.
And you got it all over your father's|favourite shirt.
Go to your room.
The evidence is really piling up.
Make any joke you want.
|You know I look good.
Oh, my God! They're at it again.
All this time|spent keeping people from having sex! Now I know how|the Catholic Church feels.
Ba-zing! Time to initiate phase two.
All right, testing voice modulator.
|Blast, you vile woman! - Blast, you vile woman.
|- That won't do.
Pardon me, you with|severe aesthetic deficiencies.
- Hey, ugly!|- Excellent.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Sweet.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Who's got beer? - Where'd you go, my little pumpkin-eater?|- To the can.
Kissing you made me barf.
- What?|- Dad, Meg keeps pushing me.
- Like I could! He's so fat.
|- I'm not fat.
I'm Rubenesque.
That's it.
Your dad's had enough.
I want you kids to go and drink|the antifreeze in the garage.
I'm gonna chug it all|so there's none left for you.
- Watch it!|- Peter! What? Hey, Peter.
(imitates Sergeant Schultz)|I see nussing.
I've had it with these interruptions.
|All we want is time alone.
You kids go to your rooms|for the rest of the night.
I don't wanna go to my room.
|There's an evil monkey in my closet.
Evil monkey! That's funny.
Agh! This romantic dinner|was a wonderful idea, Peter.
You deserve it, my beautiful princess.
You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Don't worry.
|We can always throw that chair out.
Very well, then.
If I can't stop them from|the outside, I'll stop them from the inside.
Oh, dear.
I'm afraid you're in a no-fly zone.
As was your fate, Mr Fly, so is the fate|of every sperm in Peter's body.
Aagh! Computer on.
Just enough time to obliterate|all those little potential usurpers.
- Engine status.
|- Nominal.
- Fuel supply.
|- Full.
- Air supply.
|- (" "Lost in Love" by Air Supply) Very well.
Through the lips, over the gums.
|Look out, testicles, here I come! "Lois "You can't spell "love" without L-O "You can't spell "is" without l-S "You can't spell "silo" without Lois And solo from the pet rock.
No! No! No! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Warning: Host's oxygen levels rising.
|Heart rate increasing.
My God.
Either they're watching Batman|or they're doing the do.
(" Batman theme music) If I'm to reach the testicles and destroy the|sperm before coitus, I must buy some time.
- Computer, location.
|- 15mm northeast of the duodenum.
Very well.
Fire phasers! Oh, jeez! My duodenum's acting up.
Entering testicular perimeter.
Well, well.
Do you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm.
What the deuce? - Well, it seems you're out of ammunition.
|- As are you, Stewart.
- You know my name.
|- I know many things.
- Indeed.
|- Quite.
We should exchange monosyllabic|expressions of arrogance in person.
- Hm.
|- Mm.
- Peter, I'm waiting.
|- I'm comin'.
(" rumba) - You came unarmed?|- As we agreed.
But foolish! It's going to be a shame|to destroy such a worthy adversary.
My thoughts exactly.
- I've got you in the sleeper hold.
|- As I you.
Your attempts to escape are (yawns) Futile.
Well, well.
Nap time appears to be over.
Finish me off.
My one regret is that I won't be|able to do away with that red-headed woman.
What the? How the devil|do you know about Lois? You've seen that little gleam|in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me, plotting my escape.
You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too.
|What else do you hate? People who send pictures|of their families as Christmas cards.
- People who use the word "guestimate".
|- Guys who wear sandals with socks.
Jason Patric.
Ew! Perhaps I've been looking|at this the wrong way.
I should embrace the idea|of having a little brother.
After all, it's obvious|we'd make quite a formidable team.
(beeps) - Two minutes to re-expansion.
|- Dear God! I'll never get out of here in time.
Move aside.
I know a short cut.
(coughs) Re-expansion in 60 seconds.
There's the tear duct.
|We've gotta make him cry.
I think I know just the way.
Follow my lead.
(sings theme from|"An Officer and a Gentleman") Oh, Peter.
I love you.
And I love you, Lou Gossett Junior.
It worked.
You've got to get|down there so you can be born.
- I guess this is goodbye.
|- For now.
When you're born, don't let the doctor|slap you on the ass.
It degrades us all.
(beeps horn) Give it to her good, old man.
Peter, wait.
I've been thinking.
It's been a long time since|we had such a wonderful night.
It'll be impossible to spend time together|like this if we're raising another child.
I thought, you know,|Brian would do a lot of the work.
I don't know.
I mean,|Stewie alone needs so much attention.
Maybe we should hold off|on having another baby.
- Yeah, you may be right.
|- No, no! You must receive his seed! - Look who's here!|- But, Lois, we still get to do it, right? - Honey, not in front of Stewie.
|- OK.
Back in a minute.
No, no, no! Come back here this instant,|you fat bastard, and do her! Stop! Stop it! Stop tickling me! Stop it! I'll kill you, I swear to God! (toilet flushes) Wha Wha What did you just do? - (sighs)|- No! You killed my brother! How could you, you! Oh, my God! The twinkle.
He's alive.
Well played, sperm brother.
Well played.
He's more clever than I thought.
Perhaps too clever.