Family Guy s03e13 Episode Script

Screwed the Pooch

I got the whole day planned.
|First, we see the primates.
Then the butterfly house, bathroom break Can't we all just run around|in a disorganised fashion? - Yeah!|- Monkeys throw their poo! If we don't adhere to a schedule,|we won't see everything.
Kids, gas masks.
Run! There you are.
|Oh, don't be such a pig, Mr Pig.
Now, where's Mr Sheep?|Is he being baa-shful? That's right.
You're all ripe for parody.
- Can we go now?|- Shut up! I'm having fun.
Oh, my, someone's awfully rude.
|Oh! My fanny is not on the menu! What? What the? Agh! Agh!|Oh, God! Oh, God! Agh! Agh! Here, little fella.
Come get the food.
I have always wanted to do this.
Oh, here are the marsupials.
|Peter, what the hell are you doing?! Look at me, Lois, I'm Roo.
Come on, Ma.
Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of|their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.
I am going to kick your ass.
"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy (barking) - How's it going?|- Great.
Beautiful day.
We sit here and force small talk|while they have the time of their lives.
(whistles) Here, girl.
(sniffs) (moans) (murmuring) Sorry.
I I thought I smelled cookies.
Does it really smell like cook?|God! She farted and it went down my throat! - Full house.
|- That's some poker face you've got, Peter.
- Years of practice, boys.
|- Peter, you're on a roll.
We ought to get you down to Atlantic City.
Sorry, guys.
Lois is making me|visit the in-laws this weekend.
Why does she bother? Me and Lois's|old man have never gotten along.
Hey, I got an email from Mr Pewterschmidt.
You should find some common ground|with your father-in-law.
Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
That's a great idea.
I'll learn how to act|like a rich guy.
I'm gonna start right now.
- You're working through Christmas!|- But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.
The New Yorker.
I bet Lois's dad reads this.
"I'd be more apathetic|if I weren't so lethargic.
" Oh, I get it.
That's kind of funny.
|Yeah, can I have a copy of Jugs? In French, when you want|to say "yes", you say "oui, oui".
You gotta be kidding me!|Oh, my God! That is hysterical! Oh, man! And what do you say|for no? "Doo-doo"? I'll be right back.
|I gotta go take a wicked "yes".
- (all) Ohh.
|- It's a person.
- Would you fix the bathroom faucet?|- I fixed it already.
- No, you didn't.
It's still dripping.
|- I'll give you all my Star Wars cards if it is.
Wait, wait.
Except Boba Fett.
No matter|how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.
Oh, my God! - Was he just mastur?|- Yes.
- Oh, my.
|- Do we do we rub his nose in it? - Oh, hi, Brian.
|- Listen, Lois, about yesterday It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
|It's perfectly normal.
I know.
It's just, I should be able|to control my baser instincts, but lately I've just been having these urges.
Why don't you come to my parents' house?|The fresh air will help you relax.
Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.
(" disco) - I know the guy that owns this place!|- What?! I said, I know the guy that|Oh, I'll tell you later.
I love this song.
Thanks, but I think a quiet weekend|by myself is just the thing I need.
Well, have a good time.
I'm gonna relax, mellow out,|and watch some television.
(man) We now return to|"World's Sluttiest Dogs" on Fox.
Hey, wait up! (Peter laughs) Right into the bumper.
- Hi, Mom.
|- Oh, look at you all.
I know someone who's getting a gift|certificate for liposuction in her stocking.
- Thank you.
|- Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Daddy.
|- Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
- Did Peter have a stroke?|- He's cultured himself, like Pretty Woman.
Oh, so I should treat him|like a high-class whore.
That's fine.
Just no kissing on the lips.
- Would you like a piece of candy?|- I smell death on you.
Ahoy, Mr Pewterschmidt.
|Permission to come aboard? - No!|- Thanks.
Quite a schooner you got here.
- What is she? A 45-footer?|- Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor.
I didn't know you looked|so good in shorts.
(whistles) - What?|- You don't have an eye spliced in this line.
I'll tie a bowline in there and make one.
|That should hold her.
- And this is a '74 Pinot Noir.
|- Mmm, lovely.
Carter, did you tell your son-in-law|he's not supposed to swallow the wine? Hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars|if I took off all my clothes off.
(grumbles) Thanks for bringing me.
|This is just what I needed.
I'm glad.
It seems like|everybody's having a lot of fun.
- How long are you and your family in?|- Uh-uh-uh-uh.
No conversation.
You idiot! I'm never taking you|to my country club again! - I'm sorry, Mr Pewterschmidt.
|- Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the premier of China|and says "Dong, where is my automobile?" I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd,|but it's worse than before.
This sucks worse than that time|I was on Survivor.
How dare you wash your clothes|in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna survive|in this harsh, unforgiving terrain? Make sure the wheel goes all the way around.
Oh, no.
Am I fired? Peter's been trying really hard|to get you to like him.
Give him another chance?|Let him join your poker game? I'd rather be stuck in an elevator|with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh Sean Hayes|Oh, you get the picture.
- Please?|- No! OK.
You know, maybe later|I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that mulatto boy|who looks a lot like - Would Peter like to play poker with us?|- He'd love to.
That sounds dynamite.
Brian, come here and meet Sea Breeze,|my prize-winning dog.
Isn't she a perfect specimen?|Look at these legs and that beautiful coat.
Feel the heat coming off of her genitalia.
|You could roast a marshmallow.
That's how you can tell she's a champion.
|Go on.
Put your hand there.
- Oh That is|- Is that something? That is something.
That is that is hot.
Isn't she the most beautiful dog? Yes.
Yes, she is a beautiful dog.
|And that's OK.
This is Peter.
|He's the idiot my daughter married.
- Michael Eisner.
|- Bill Gates.
Peter's an anti-trust lawyer|with the Justice Department.
Just kidding.
He's a fisherman|or some stupid thing.
- Hey, fellas.
|- Wow! Ted Turner! - I told you not to invite him.
|- He must have followed us.
Come on, ladies.
Are we gonna play cards? - Peter, why don't you deal?|- We're playing Texas Hold 'Em.
- Are aces high or low?|- They go both ways.
He said "They go both ways.
" - Like a bisexual.
|- Thank you, Ted.
That was the joke.
- I see your bet, and I raise you CNN.
|- Oh, I don't think I can You can beat him, Mr Pewterschmidt.
|He's bluffing.
He bet CNN.
There's no way he's bluffing.
I'm sure he is.
He's got a tell.
If you|lose this hand, I'll divorce your daughter.
I'm in.
All right, Teddy.
I'll see your CNN|with US Steel.
What have you got? - Two pair.
|- Ace-high straight.
You sold me out.
I could use a man|like you.
How's a million a year? You disgust me! Get out of my face! That's the first time|any of us have beaten Ted.
- How'd you know he was bluffing?|- When he lies, he blinks twice.
I noticed it when he did an interview|and said he'd be with Jane Fonda for ever.
I'm gonna turn in.
Me too.
I gotta be at Disneyland.
We're|ethnically cleansing the Small World ride.
You guys practically run this country.
There's gotta be a ton|of fun stuff we could do.
(cheering) Oh, man, there's a toll booth.
|Anybody got a quarter? - What's a quarter?|- Well, we gotta give him something.
(laughter/cheering) Man.
Looking up at the sky|just makes you feel so small.
I mean, if God created|all this, who created God? - Maybe he created himself.
|- Or herself.
- (all) Ohh|- Think about that.
This guy's deep.
Where'd you find him? - He's my son-in-law.
|- (mobile phone) - OK, honey.
I gotta go.
You want a ride?|- Sure.
- Wow.
|- I actually had a good time with you tonight.
And I just want to say|I'm glad you married my daughter.
- Thank you, Jesus.
|- Actually, it wasn't me, it was No, no, it's OK.
I'm used to it.
- Having fun, Peter?|- I put all my poker winnings on your dog.
Dog? Nothing to worry about.
|Sea Breeze is a sure thing.
- Sea Breeze?|- Dad, where are the jockeys? They're all in the laundry.
|I'm going Indian today.
(cheering) - Oh, come on, Sea Breeze!|- Sea Breeze! Yeah! - (Peter) Come on! Go! Go!|- (Lois) Come on! (moans) What's Brian doing? - Oh, my God.
|- He's violating Sea Breeze.
No, he's awkwardly positioning himself|Now he's violating Sea Breeze.
(mimics pornographic film soundtrack) Again, I want to tell you how sorry I am|about this.
I don't know what came over me.
You had better not have ruined my race dog.
I am very disappointed in you! I'd turn my back, but I've seen|what you do in that situation.
Now, Carter and I have|a polio match to attend.
Get away from me! You and that filthy|mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor? She's fine.
Sea Breeze|will be able to race again.
But, unfortunately, not for|another nine weeks.
She's pregnant.
I just want you to know I am|going to do the right thing here.
You're never going to see Sea Breeze again! - Pack your things and get out!|- I am never speaking to you again.
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
I am gonna go back in time and stop|Brian from getting it on with your dog.
Everybody stand back.
Aah! Oh Oh Oh, boy Oh Oh|Oh, God.
Mr Pewterschmidt,|please can we still be pals? See.
I made a picture of you and me|out of glue and macaroni.
That means a lot to me because you made it.
- Really?|- No! Get out! - Mr Pewterschmidt, Sea Breeze is gone!|- What? I can't find Brian.
Peter, do you know what I'm going to do|to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? I think I have an idea.
(wails) This is the room.
The light switch|is here.
It's mostly for show.
There's your Murphy Bed.
Don't mind|the Epsteins.
They keep to themselves.
We're going to see Bobby Darin|at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie? Bobby Darin, tomorrow.
This is the bathroom.
|Watch out, we got some bad roaches.
- You're on our turf, man.
|- Man, I'll cut you.
I'll cut you up so bad|you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
- Those are bad roaches.
|- I blame the schools.
- Were you followed?|- Don't worry.
I've got a decoy.
Hey, Lois.
|Whoa, Lois, you put on a few, huh? Well, I never! That's all right, I don't think he was the one.
|Let's go get sundaes.
We all really miss you.
|And Peter talks about you all the time.
- Oh, really? Anything nice?|- No.
Oh, so he's still mad, huh? I should go.
Take this.
It's probably|not a good idea for us to meet any more.
Daddy swore he'd track you down|any way he could.
- Bingo!|- I told you she'd lead us to him.
- Let's call Pewterschmidt.
|- Let's take the jet packs.
Cool! Man, the people look like ants from up here.
They are ants, Michael.
They are ants.
This is Tricia Takanawa live|where police have discovered the whereabouts of Sea Breeze,|the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune.
The dognapper has been traced|to this sleazy motel.
Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker|is already on the scene.
Who's that, baby? Hello, this is Tom Tucker's|evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation.
I'm going inside to have freaky sex with my|prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes.
Back to this breaking news.
Brian, please eat something.
My face is on the news.
Your father won't|let me see the dog carrying my puppies.
And he's going to incredible lengths|to ignore me.
Brian, don't let him get to you.
|Peter, come out of that thing! He can't hear you.
Besides, it's not him|that's getting to me, it's your father.
I'm sorry.
I talked to him, but he|wouldn't budge.
He can be so stubborn.
I don't know how my mother puts up with it.
|He did promise to take care of the puppies.
They're not his to take care of.
They're|my kids, and I'm gonna get 'em back.
My father wasn't there for me,|but I'll be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for custody! Please stop this.
Brian has every right|to see his puppies when they're born.
Sorry, pumpkin.
I had no idea you could be so cruel.
|I'll never forgive you for this! - You're just having your period.
|- This court will now come to order.
- Brian, do you like children?|- I love children.
That's why I'm here.
I want the opportunity to raise my puppies.
Do you remember an incident at a South|Attleboro Denny's in December of 1996? Yeah, I guess.
(cries) Waa! Waa! You like that, huh?!|You like that?! Waa! You just tune this out, don't you?!|Waa! Well, tune this out! Waa! - Aah|- Waa! - Aah|- Waa! - Aah|- Shut up! I was angry because my Moon Over|My Hammy was overcooked and I also have your rental records|from the Quahog Video Store.
- Can you read the last two titles?|- Son In Law and Bio-Dome.
- And who's the star of those films?|- Pauly Shore.
Pauly Shore! - (all gasp)|- (man) He's terrible.
I rented those for Peter.
He got banned|from the store for taping over movies.
It's his sled.
It was his sled|from when he was a kid.
There, I just saved you|two long boobless hours.
How convenient.
Blame it on someone else.
Is that the man we want|raising these puppies? Peter? Oh, you've gotta|believe me, Your Honour.
Peter, I'm putting together|another card game.
You in? - You you want me to play?|- Absolutely.
But first I want you to testify|against that horny mutt of yours.
Oh, I don't know if I can do that.
That's too bad, because Bill and Michael|want to see you again.
Bill's going to bring his Stretch Armstrong.
Oh, man, and his arms|stretch out to next week! Your Honour, Peter Griffin|would like to take the stand.
Mr Griffin, which of the following two|phrases best describes Brian Griffin? Problem drinker,|or African-American haberdasher? - I guess problem drinker, but that's|- Thank you.
Sexual deviant, or magic picture that if you|stare at it long enough, you see something? - Sexual deviant, but that one's not|- Thank you.
Now, isn't it true that you told my client|that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed|to see his children? Um Uh Brian should be allowed to see his puppies! - Peter, think about what you're doing.
|- I am.
Your Honour, Brian'll be a great dad.
If I was half the parent he is,|I'd know Chris's favourite ice cream is - Chocolate-chip.
|- Stewie's favourite bedtime story is - Goodnight, Moon.
|- Meg's real father's name is Stan Thompson.
I've heard enough.
I do believe|that Brian would be a successful parent.
If he was to repeat his actions, he would|be setting a bad example for his puppies.
Therefore, I grant Brian custody|with the condition that he be neutered first.
Yeah! You did it, buddy! Oh, congratulations! Oh, man! What does "neutered" mean? You're almost there, Sea Breeze.
|Oh, and also, I didn't bring this up before, but promise me you won't eat any of them.
This is like a Greek tragedy where a man|chooses between himself and his children.
Of course, you'll be playing|the role of "Sans Testiclese".
We're ready for you down the hall.
Sure you want to go through with this?|You could have puppies with another dog.
And maybe with a condor!|Yeah, then you'd have flying puppies.
Would you like that, Brian?|Huh? Flying puppies? No.
Those puppies in there are mine.
And I'll give anything|to be with them.
I am not looking forward to what you're|gonna be like once they do this to you.
I love chocolate.
But I can't eat it because then I'll get fat.
But it's so good! - Are you ready, Brian?|- I guess so.
Stop! Brian, come quick! - Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies!|- Then whose are they? (barking) You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! You must be so relieved.
Actually, I I was kind of|looking forward to being a dad.
Don't worry.
There'll be other chances.
Hey, you know what's funny?|I always thought that dogs laid eggs.
And I learned something today.