Family Guy s03e14 Episode Script

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's|foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf havin' sex with Robert Fulton|at the first battle of Antietam.
When a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered|dioxin monohydroxanate.
What the hell does "rant" mean? "It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Go, Dust Mites! - I wish they'd put Chris in already.
|- Relax.
It's his first game.
Griffin, get in there.
- They're sending him in.
Yay, Chris!|- Attaboy, Chris! That's my son out there.
|I taught him how to wipe.
- Why won't you teach me how to wipe, Dad?|- Because you don't have a bottom, son.
- Man, you and that towel are representin'.
|- Yo, that's what's just fightin', G! (PA) The Buddy Cianci|Junior High cheerleaders! Is everybody pumped up? Give me a D-U-S-T! D-U-S-T! M-l-T-E-S! M-l-T-E-S! - What does that spell?|- Dust Mites! - Who's gonna win this game?|- Dust Mites! My God, what what just happened to me? It's those sirens.
They had us all|completely under their spell.
Like that hypnotist at the airport Hilton.
(audience titters) And three! - Wow.
Were we just hypnotised?|- That's incredible.
I don't remember a thing.
Why do I taste crotch? I must unlock the secret to|their mind-control powers.
- Can we go now? I'm starvin'.
|- The game's almost over.
Try to think about somethin' else.
(" "American Beauty"-style music) Ahhhhh! - Peter!|- Sorry.
Nice job tonight, Chris.
|You wiped the floor with that towel.
Yo, did y'all check me when|that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? I was lookin' to break off somethin', but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank|and she's all about the bling-bling.
(tyres screech) - What's wrong?|- He's speaking in tongues.
He's possessed.
Meg, start at Psalm 41.
Don't stop readin' till|I tell you.
The power of Christ compels you! - Agh! Agh! Agh!|- The power of Christ compels you! Stop.
He's not possessed.
He's just talking street.
Lots of kids do it.
Well, that's kinda weird.
It's just a phase.
|You've gone through a few yourself.
Like those two weeks|you spent narrating your life.
I walked into the kitchen and sat at the table.
I grimaced at the questionable meal|Lois had placed in front of me.
I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with|her cooking, but somehow I think she knew.
Lois had always been full of energy and life,|but lately I had grown aware of her ageing.
The bright, exuberant eyes|I had fallen in love with were growing dull and listless|with the long fatigue of a weary life.
I awoke several hours later in a daze.
"I was brought up on the streets,|no moms and dads "I had to fend for myself|with my own two hands "But today I'm hurtin', and I'll tell you why "I got a hangnail|hangin' from my cuticle "A hangnail|It ain't beautiful "It hurts like a bitch that I did last night - Hey, what ya doin'?|- Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey.
|Yo, Pops, gimme some cheddar.
Some player-haters be throwin' salt|in my game, grillin' me over my gear.
And I needs to be mackin' style.
Well, uh, the important thing is you tried,|son.
(" dance music) There they are.
And now to infiltrate this|coven and learn their mind-control secrets.
- I just need to get their attention.
|- OK.
That was much better.
But it still sucked worse than ever.
|What's wrong with you guys? (" funky dance music) - Look how cute he is!|- He must be one of the teachers' babies.
He wants to be a cheerleader too.
My! So it's that easy to win you over.
Consider yourselves lucky|I'm not after your gully holes.
Chris starts with all this "Yo, yo, yo" stuff,|and I don't know what he's talkin' about.
So I started beatin' him with a hose.
|Then my arm got tired, so I came here.
Perhaps Chris has adopted|another culture's mannerisms because he doesn't know|enough about his own.
I never thought of that.
I should|teach Chris about his Irish roots.
We haven't spent time together|since we played Operation.
- I'm going for the funny bone, Dad.
|- Oh! You touched the sides! He's wakin' up.
Get him|back to the bus station.
Dad, I don't wanna be here.
|I wanna be chillin' with my homeys.
Now, Chris, it's important|you learn about your Irish heritage.
(angry gibberish) (angry gibberish) (gibberish) (baby cries) (gibberish) (baby cries) Archaeological evidence shows Ireland was|very different before the discovery of alcohol.
Most experts believe|it was something like this.
Gentlemen, today we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert our|entire population to pure energy.
- It's a glorious day.
|- Absolutely.
Hey, Michael McCloud's just|invented a new kind of beverage.
" (brawling) You were right, Dad.
Bein' Irish rocks! That's more like it, son.
Today we're gonna|learn about the Griffin family history.
What's a library, Dad? It's just a place where homeless people|come to shave and go BM.
Let's go inside.
Look, Dad.
I found|this book on our genealogy.
Way to go, son.
Here's a picture of|your great-great-granddad, Osias Griffin.
- He owned one of the first dozen telephones.
|- (phone rings) - Hello?|- Hello, Jonathan? - No.
What number are you callin'?|- Seven.
- This is three.
|- Oh.
And his great-grandpa was|Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher.
Thomas, would you please go look for a job? (thoughtfully) Why? Wow! That's cool! Go back even further, Dad.
Settle down, spaz.
In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin|used to groom horses.
What the hell? Holy crap, I'm black! But I-I can't be black.
I gotta say, the man in this book|does look an awful lot like you.
The Diary of Nate Griffin.
"May 7th, 1836.
" "I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt,|when she let out a fart right near my face.
" "So I took her head and stuck it by my butt|and blew a huge fart right back at her.
" (laughs) That laugh's in here, too.
See?|(imitates Peter's laugh) Wow.
Then it's true.
Cool! I get to be black and Irish.
Now I can wear clothes that|actually show off my big butt.
I gotta tell Bonnie|I'm sleeping with a black man! Oh, my God! Update! Exclam!|Scott Martin just asked me out again! Oh, my God.
This is date three.
|Are you gonna let him get to second base? I think that would be a bad idea.
|And I know something about bad ideas.
(slurring) I'm telling you, Juice,|she's screwin' around behind your back.
And if I were in your Bruno Maglis,|I wouldn't stand for it.
Another mai tai.
So, listen - Here comes Scott!|- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (all giggle) Have yet to discover the secret|of their mind-control powers.
Also trying to comprehend their obsession|with the homosexuals from *NS YNC.
Cleveland, you got a minute?|I really need to talk to you.
I was just goin' for a ride.
Hop on.
- I've found out I have a black ancestor.
|- Is that right? That's fantastic, Peter.
Yeah, but the problem is,|I got no idea how to be black.
Except for not smilin'|when I get my picture taken.
Well, you should go out and commingle|amongst your newly found brethren.
You know, absorb the culture.
- Wheelie time! Yee-hah!|- Aaargh! You're right.
I should be hangin' around|more black people like myself.
- Hey! Peter, what the?|- It's the vibration.
Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? Yeah, that's right.
Y'all know that Exxon|Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened.
Some brother just fell in the ocean! God, I remember that.
All those seals died.
(silence) It was it was all over the news.
The the Channel Two news with Dan Rather.
Although I think Connie Chung might've|been substituting for him that night.
Well, 'bout time for me to be|hittin' the old dusty trail.
I like your hat.
Can't get out that way.
- (alarm)|- Oh.
Found the emergency exit.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!|Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Well, I should probably be saddlin' up now.
- (alarm)|- Oh.
Found the fire door.
Urgh! Look at how fat you are.
You disgust me.
Oink, oink, fatty.
You'll take butter on that|English muffin, won't you? You're the cheerleading squad's token blimp! You don't deserve to eat! (retches) Thanks for bringin' me here.
For our first order of business,|Cleveland has an announcement.
(clears throat)|Yesterday I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors.
(man) Amen! The family has become poor white trash since|then, so they only gave what they could.
This tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie treats.
I share them with all of you in the hopes that|one day your wounds may be healed as well.
- Amen!|- Right on! - Hey, why is he taking one?|- This is my friend Peter Griffin.
He recently discovered he was black.
He doesn't look very black to me.
Gentlemen, please.
|Judge me not by the colour of my skin.
- For I have always been there with you.
|- (heckling) I was there when George and Weezy|moved on up to the East Side.
Oh! Oh! Hallelujah! Those were happy times! But but but I was also|there for the bad times.
When Florida lost James to that|tragic auto accident.
Oh! Oh! And I was there when Tootie got|those terribly painful braces.
Oh, yes.
And when Arnold Jackson got|beat up by the Gooch, I was there.
So before you decide that I don't belong here,|remember this: I was there! (cheering) Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is! Now, Chris, what's the secret to happiness? - Money!|- Very good.
Babs, give him a caramel.
(cries out) Hey.
Hey, Lois, what are|your parents doin' here? They surprised us with a visit after|I told them about your recent discovery.
Peter, we hear you're a Negro now.
I even got my own posse.
Big Dog,|T-Bone, Shades, go make some sandwiches.
- We'll hook up later.
|- My jacket's in there.
Please don't write on it.
I think Chris and Meg should know|the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry too.
Did you know the Pewterschmidts|were among the first colonists? Now, kids, don't be taken in|by the man.
Stay black and proud.
Here's Silas Pewterschmidt|bartering with some local Indians.
- Cool!|- Here's a picture of - Oh.
Never mind that one.
|- What was that? Nothing.
Just some fellow we fed and took|care of in exchange for doing a few chores.
You mean a slave! Let me see that! Oh, my God! It's Nate Griffin! Well 'bout time for me to be|hittin' the old dusty trail.
Lois, your family owned my family! - Daddy, is that true?|- It appears so.
Boy, this is embarrassing.
- Yes, it is.
And don't call me "boy"!|- Peter! Please, calm down.
Babs, it's time we went to bed.
|Things'll look better tomorrow.
Come here, kids.
Give Grandma|and Grandpa a kiss good night.
Whoa! Argh! You can whip me all you like, white devil,|but you'll never break my spirit! There must be some clue to the source|of their mental manipulation techniques.
Your Body and You.
"Every four weeks, it's entirely normal|for every young woman to" Oh, my God! Oh! That's the most|disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life! - Ugh!|- (door opens, voices) That totally sucked! You guys|call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers! Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group.
And what happened with the pyramid?|I almost broke my neck! (gasps) The pyramid.
Of course!|That must be the key to their power.
Mission objective: Eliminate Cindi and take|her place at the top of the pyramid.
(gasps) They're getting nude! I mustn't watch.
|It's not the proper thing Whoa! I say! Nice ones, Jeanine.
And look at Lisa in all of|her curvaceous glory.
It appears my wee-wee has been|stricken with rigor mortis.
- Good mornin'.
|- Peter, what on earth are you wearing? It's a dashiki.
And don't call me Peter.
That's|my slave name.
Call me Kichwa Tembo.
Cool! And I'll be Mambuto O'Malley.
- Peter|- Kichwa! I'd like to have a word with you.
- Peter, I think|- Kichwa! (sighs) Kichwa, we're both sensible men.
There must be something|I can do to make it right.
Actually there is.
I want reparations,|just like Cleveland got.
- What are you talking about?|- I want an apology and Rice Krispie treats.
I will not give you an apology, and I assume "Rice Krispie treats" is|black slang for money, so here's $10,000.
I expect you never to mention|this ugly business again.
$10,000? Not enough? Make it 20.
|How do you spell "Kichwa"? Screw the "Kichwa".
|Make it out to "Peter", P-E-T-E This just in: Slave-owner descendant|Carter Pewterschmidt has paid $20,000, or two million pennies,|in reparations to a local black man.
We now go live to the local black man.
Well, the money helps, but I'll|always feel my ancestor's pain.
Hey, from down there, does it look like|I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises? Lois, come and see what I did|with the money your dad gave me.
(gasps) Oh, my God! You turned the den|into Pee-wee's Playhouse? "Come on, get up "Knock off your nappin' "It's a crazy, messed-up place|where anything can happen "There's a chair that freakin' talks "There's some fish that give advice|Holy crap! "It's screwy in Peter's Playhouse (giggles) - Peter|- Watch this.
Watch this.
Hey, Jambi! - OK, say it.
|- Mekka lekka hi God, I hate you so much.
That reparation money|should be going to a black charity.
The king of cartoons will be here in five|minutes, and I won't have you embarrass me.
You're acting ridiculous.
You said the secret word! - (siren)|- Uh-oh.
- Hey, you're that black guy I saw on the|news.
- Uh, yeah, that's me.
- I need backup.
I've got a stolen vehicle here.
|- But this is my car.
Suspect's getting belligerent.
Officer down.
So it's agreed: We'll keep on pretending to|like pigs' feet just to confound the white man.
Uh, sorry I'm late, you guys.
|The white man was makin' me his bitch.
What? Oh, sorry.
His be-atch.
Peter, we know about your selfish|squandering of your reparation money.
I shared mine.
You, however, have|given nothin' back to the community.
But that's not true.
I've brought you the greatest gift of all.
A child's laughter.
(laughs feebly) - Peter, I think you should go.
|- Yeah, I'm going.
Hi, guys.
Uh, hey, how's it goin'? No one wants to sit with me.
|It's like I'm a freakin' leper.
- Hey, can we sit there?|- No, these are saved.
- Where is Cindi?|- She'd better show up.
It's almost half-time.
Cindi, I'd feel worse about this if you didn't|spell your name with that insufferable i.
Oh, and that cockadoodie smiley face|you use to dot it.
You sicken me! (gently) I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Agh!|- Hello, Peter.
Nate Griffin.
Oh, my God, you're haunting me|because I've been a terrible black man.
You gotta stop puttin'|so much importance on race.
- I didn't.
|- You didn't? No.
If I had, would I have slept with|your white great-great-great-great-granny? - I guess not.
|- I wouldn't have slept with her sister, neither.
You see, Peter, the most important thing is|how a man acts.
You see what I'm gettin' at? You think I should do something good|with that reparation money.
- That'd be mighty fine, Peter.
|- I guess you're right.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry my wife's|ancestors made you suffer so much.
Don't worry about me.
If it makes you feel|better, I peed in their cereal every morning.
- Well, so long, Peter.
|- Wait.
Before you go, what's heaven like? Oh, it's fine.
There's a shortage of chairs.
Take it easy, Peter.
Look, we're just going to|have to go on without her.
- Give me a D!|- D! That's enough of that.
There's a hunting knife|under your seats.
On my command Argh! Argh! You idiots! I had them!|Cindi was right.
We need a lot more work.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, hi.
I'm Peter Griffin.
Listen, uh, as many of you may know,|I recently came into some money.
Well, I don't really deserve it.
So I've decided to share it with my brothers! Uh Actually, I just meant the black guys.
That was very generous.
|Look how happy you've made everyone.
It just goes to show you, Lois,|it doesn't matter if you're black or white.
- The only colour that really matters is green.
|- Oh, Peter! I wonder what happened to Cindi.
(muffled cries) "Dear diary.
" - (Peter raps) " Seems today|- " Seems today - " That all you see|- " That all you see - " Is violence in movies|- " Violence in movies - " And sex on TV|- " Sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? - " Luck-luck-luck-lucky there's a family guy|- " Lucky there's a family guy - " Lucky there's a|- " Lucky there's a - " Lucky there's a|- " Lucky there's a - " Lucky there's a family guy|- " Lucky there's a family guy - " Lucky there's a|- " Lucky there's a - " Lucky there's a|- " Lucky there's a "He's a family guy "In the house