Family Guy s03e15 Episode Script

Ready, Willing, and Disabled

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy "Alan Adler, David Preslack, Julie Axlerod,|Shep Sutton, Scott McCormack.
" Those were the people who were mean to me|in junior high.
Tomorrow, high school.
Finally we go to Asian reporter|Tricia Takanawa for 60 seconds of filler.
I'm here on Spooner Street where several|Quahog families are holding a car wash to raise money for an organ transplant|for young Paul Lewis.
- What do you call this device, Paul?|- An iron lung.
It keeps me from dying.
I wanna play baseball! With me is one of Paul's|classmates, Chris Griffin, who helped organise this charity event.
|You're a very thoughtful young man, Chris.
- Can I say hello to my mom?|- Sure.
- Hi, Mom!|- Hi, sweetheart.
So you want the full wash Oh, you've got a|nick there.
I can probably get that out for you.
If you want to go with a scent, I've got|PB and J, Sugar Cereal, and New Toy.
What the deuce? - Hey! Somebody dropped a money clip.
|- Wow! $26.
- I've never seen so much money at one time.
|- What should we do with it? I say we buy 26 dollars' worth|of ice cream and just pig out.
We can dish, talk about who's getting fat.
|We'll be great big bitches.
Hold on, kids.
That's not your money yet.
You gotta put up signs and wait|two weeks for someone to claim it.
If no one does, it's yours.
Ah, lunch is here! Everyone, we've reached our goal.
It looks like somebody's|gonna live to see puberty.
- Oh, my God! That man took our money!|- What man? He wore a Jimmy Carter mask,|like the robber in that Keanu Reeves movie.
- The Matrix?|- No.
They were jumping out of a plane.
- Executive Decision.
|- That was Kurt Russell.
The other guy in this movie|looks like Kurt Russell.
- He's getting away!|- Don't worry.
He won't get far.
Stop! Police! (gasping for breath) - Joe, what happened?|- I got the money.
- All right, Joe!|- But I lost the perp.
Well, the money's the important thing.
|Now Paul can get his Point Break! That was the movie.
Here's to Joe, who helped|little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection,|a new lease on life.
Don't you understand? I lost the perp.
I lost the perp! (sobs) (wails) So, um the 26 dollars|would probably be safe in my room.
Probably get lost among the pin-ups|of Justin Timberlake and Tom Cruise and Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like?|Morgan Freeman.
We can't keep it in my room cos there's|an evil monkey that lives in my closet.
The sad part is, he wasn't always evil.
Honey, good news! I made partner! Peter, Bonnie says Joe's really|depressed about that robbery.
- Why don't you go talk to him?|- I don't know.
There's a game on.
Shame on you.
You march over there|and cheer your old friend up.
Don't listen to that sissy.
|Grab a beer and watch the game.
That sounds good.
- Oh, my God!|- Get your fat ass over to Joe's.
- Buddy|- Move! All right.
Take it easy, man.
Everything's cool.
- Hey, buddy.
|- Close the door.
I don't wanna see the light.
Come on, Joe.
Cheer up.
|What do you say you and me go roller-ska bike-ri jump ro|go lay on the grass? Peter, the other day was|the first time I've ever lost a perp.
It was also the first time|I've really felt handicapped.
I've made up my mind about this.
|I'm quitting the force.
Come on, Joe.
|You don't have to quit the force.
You could get a desk job.
Huh? - You could be a desk.
|- Forget it.
I'm washed up.
In local news, Quahog will soon play|proud host to the Special People's Games.
If you and/or a friend are disabled and would|like to challenge yourself, sign up today.
Joe, that's it! You gotta compete|in the Special People's Games.
Gosh, I don't know, Peter.
|You really think I can? Hey, I believed you could be a desk.
|Come on! I'll even be your coach.
All right.
Let's do it! Coming up, our exposé on conveniently|placed news reports in television shows.
- But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard.
|- Agh! - Had a row with a fellow in the steam room.
|- You don't say! - Gave him a cauliflower ear.
|- Bully! - Come on.
Two more.
|- Peter, you're pushing me too hard.
Trust me, Joe.
I know physical fitness.
I was in Richard Simmons'|Sweatin' to Books on Tape.
"The Red Sox were in town, but I didn't care, because it was Tuesday and|I was on my way to see Maury.
" "He couldn't go to the bathroom by himself|any more, but his indomitable spirit" How does he check out, Doc?|Is my boy ready to compete? Um I don't quite know|how to tell you this, Mr Swanson.
- You're paralysed from the waist down.
|- I know.
Oh, thank God! God, I was standing out there|for like 10 minutes! Whoo, boy! Is that a load off! Mort, Joe's gonna compete|in the Special People's Games.
You got anything to give him|a little extra juice? You mean steroids? Peter, haven't you seen|what happens to those ladies on ESPN2? They get big hair faces and|their breasts become like flapjacks.
- I was thinkin' more like a protein shake.
|- Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Aisle three next to the creams.
|Oh, I don't like saying that word.
We now return to "Touched by an Angel".
- Where exactly did the angel touch you?|- Here.
Who are ya gonna believe?|I got a freakin' halo! Sh, sh! - Bye.
I'm goin' to the mall.
|- What for? Don't worry.
The $26 is safe.
Safe, huh? The skirt's trying to pull a fast one.
- Knuckles, get the handbag.
|- Right, boss.
Give me my purse, you psycho! Let's see.
Make-up, chewing gum,|a picture of Meg in a two-piece swimsuit.
Oh, God! I pray this is not my first memory.
Cool it.
I am not gonna put up|with this racket for two weeks.
I'll hold on to the money.
|I'm a neutral party, so it'll be safe.
- OK.
|- I suppose we can trust you.
- Now, where is it?|- What the? Very clever.
Take another reach.
|You forgot your change.
Hello and welcome to the Quahog|Special People's Games.
I'm Tom Tucker.
I'm Diane Simmons.
It's a great day|to be alive, Tom, able-bodied or not.
It sure is.
Today we'll see some of|our finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs.
You'll cheer,|you'll cry.
You might get a cheap laugh.
I know I will, Tom.
In fact, by the end|of the day, we may all be going to hell.
I'll see you there, Diane.
It sounds like the opening|ceremonies have begun.
There are the paraplegics, followed by the blind team.
Still no sign of the deaf team.
(alarm clock, phone ringing) (knocking) - (man) You're gonna be late.
|- (man #2) Maybe they're not there.
(Diane) And now we turn our attention|to the lighting of the flame.
(Tom) And these games are under way.
We begin with the 100-metre dash|for people afraid of yellow tape.
It's anybody's race now, Tom.
And it's Odai Mutambo of Kenya! The decathlon.
|That's quite a mountain to climb, Peter.
Joe, look at me.
Look at me! - Do I have food in my teeth?|- No.
Thank God! Listen, Joe.
You and I both know|you have what it takes to win this thing.
So get out there and do it! (computer voice) That gold medal is mine,|pretty boy.
You don't have a chance.
- He may be right, Peter.
|- Joe, he's an android.
Don't let him push you around.
|You can do this.
Yeah! You think you're so hot, fella?|Well, I can do this.
(sings arpeggio) (computer voice repeats same note) Oh, crap.
Let's do it! (Tom) Now the first decathlon event,|the pole vault, where Joe Swanson|takes his starting position.
- Way to go, Joe!|- Yeah! - How do you like that, buddy?|- A stinker says "what".
- What?|- Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You stupid bastard.
Good to see your new fiscal responsibilities|haven't interfered with your reading.
Ah! Dostoevsky, the mad Russian.
Good stuff.
Good stuff.
You're not gonna get the $26,|and you're despicable for trying.
What? Oh, you thought I wasn't trying to get the $26.
I thought we were just having|an innocent conversation about literature.
Oh, you're silly.
I love that you'd go there.
|You're silly.
We'll go to bulimic pie-eating in a moment, but first, decathlon frontrunner|Joe Swanson will attempt the long jump.
- Come on, Joe.
Break a wheel!|- I'm ready.
Let's get it on! That'll knock him out of the lead.
|Tough break.
- Tough break, Tom.
|- Good contribution, Diane.
For Swanson to take the gold, he'll have|to win the final event, the 100-metre dash.
- That's OK, Joe.
You can still win this thing.
|- That was pathetic.
Tell your wife to come over to my place if she|wants a little boom-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka.
- Peter, it's over.
|- What are you talkin' about? If I couldn't catch a two-bit criminal,|how can I win a race? Hey, what kinda talk is that? It's un-American.
Did George W Bush quit|even after losing the popular vote? No.
Did he quit after losing millions of his father's|friends' money in failed oil companies? No.
Did he quit after knockin' that girl up? No.
Did he quit after he got that DUI? No.
Did he quit after gettin' arrested for drunk and|disorderly conduct at a football game? No.
I get the message, Peter.
(" Muzak: "I Got a Name") (sings along to tune) (singing along to tune) Gee, Peter, this water tastes kinda funny.
Uh You mean ha-ha Jerry Seinfeld funny, or|Elayne Boosler bless-her-she's-trying funny? - Racers, on your mark.
|- Go get 'em, Joe.
Get set.
- Yeah!|- (Tom) Joe Swanson wins the gold medal.
- You did it, Joe|- We did it, Peter.
Mommy, look at the ladyb Agh! (baby cries) - Hey, speedy.
|- Do I know you? - Jim Kaplan, sports agent.
Like my car?|- Yeah.
- It's yours.
Like my pants?|- Sure.
- You know what a merkin is?|- No.
- Pubic wig.
I got one.
You want it?|- No.
- Of course you don't.
You wanna be rich?|- Yes.
Sign here.
What the hell? I don't understand why he did that without|me.
We were gonna do everything together.
It was one cereal ad, Peter.
|Besides, he won the medal.
Yeah, I guess.
Coming to ABC, the simple story|of a man and his chair: What is this?! Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson.
Once a man at his physical peak, brought down by a cruel twist of fate.
Whyyyyyy? - With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie.
|- Joe, you must accept your limitations.
Why don't you just ask me|to lay down and die? I can't live like this any more! That's it! - That's not how it happened.
It was my idea.
|- With Bea Arthur as Peter Griffin.
You'll never make it, Joe.
|Why don't you just give up right now? No.
I've got to try.
- Even if it's by myself.
|- You're a fool, Joe.
A fool.
Friday on ABC, followed by "Dharma|and Greg", but you don't have to watch that.
Joe wouldn't be famous if it wasn't for me.
|How come he's gettin' all the glory? He's handicapped.
|That makes his story inspirational.
Handicapped Hm Agh! How did these get up here? What the hell is this, Brian? It's my new passport.
|Why are you opening my mail? You weren't planning on going somewhere|with our $26, were you? For God's sake, I just had|the damn thing renewed.
You're obviously taking us for saps,|but we're not.
Fess up or I'll do to you|what I did to John Lennon.
John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John.
You want your money? Fine.
|I hope you all kill each other.
All right, I know how to settle this.
|Whoever wants the money, raise your hand.
You're smarter than I thought.
|Give yourselves a round of applause.
Damn! Honey, I'm gonna be late tonight.
|I've got a hooker coming over.
I know it's late notice,|but what about the pool guy? - Mr Tucker, Mr Griffin's here to see you.
|- I gotta go.
Mr Tucker, I have just become|handicapped like Joe Swanson.
I demand commercial endorsements|and a TV movie based on me - starring Valerie Bertinernie.
|- Mr Griffin I even got the first piece you're gonna run.
|Exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
Oh, no! A car going too fast|to stop in time! Aieee! Agh! Agh! I'm handicapped now.
Agh! Mr Griffin, you can't expect me to believe this.
|That was clearly a scarecrow in your clothes.
- Come on!|- And when I freeze-frame, you're driving the car.
- There's your hook.
|- Get out.
Today we're here to honour Joe Swanson for pulling my one-eyed cat Bootsie out of|the old stovepipe of my grandmother's cabin.
Joe Swanson won the Special People's|decathlon and we're here to honour him.
- Backstabber.
|- Peter, I'm sure Joe will acknowledge you.
Don't forget our deal, Lois.
|I sit through this and later tonight I get anal.
No matter how neat I want the house,|you clean it.
Thank you, thank you.
You know, no one can win|a gold medal by himself.
It takes friends.
I want to acknowledge|a special friend in the audience today.
My friend Peter.
Peter Yarrow, of Peter, Paul and Mary.
|Let's give him a hand, folks.
That's nothing compared to|what this next man did.
He challenged me to go that extra mile.
|And that man is Mr Griffin.
Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humour was|a constant inspiration.
Thank you, sir.
And last but not least,|who could forget the fat guy? Chef Paul Prudhomme,|you get your Cajun ass up here! I didn't even do anything.
That's it.
|There's someone else he didn't thank.
- Mr Steroid.
That's how he won.
|- That's not true.
Yes, it is.
I put steroids in your water bottle|before the last race.
(booing) I'm sorry, everybody.
I've let you all down.
You suck.
I rule.
Who da man? Who da man? Who da man? All right.
If anyone tries to lift the glass,|the bell will ring.
- Well, let's all go to bed.
|- Off we go, then.
(thunder) (fighting) (doorbell) - Did you find the place OK?|- No problem.
Hey, kids.
I only had soup.
I don't see why|we should split the bill evenly.
Wake up! This is Mr Taylor.
|He's here to claim the money clip.
- Oh!|- Oh! Uuuuuuugh! Peter, go talk to him.
After all,|you set out to make him feel better.
- Now he's worse than ever.
|- I don't know, Lois.
He's probably waitin' to be interviewed|by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit.
I think those days are over now, Peter.
- Hey there.
|- Hi, Peter.
- Listen, Joe, about this whole mess|- Hold it, Peter.
That's the car-wash thief.
- Ha, ha! Tough luck, wheelie!|- Yeah.
For you.
I'm Joe, your waiter.
Today's special|is justice, served cold with a side of jail.
Order the soufflé now,|cos it takes 10 to 15 years.
Peter, I really appreciate|what you did for me.
- What do you mean?|- That slimy agent had me believing the hype.
I forgot it was really you who got me|to believe in myself again.
- By the way, I'm goin' back to the force.
|- Good for you.
What happened to the car-wash thief? Ironically, I severed his spine|when I landed on him.
Looks like you got more competition|at next year's games.
He's dead.