Family Guy s03e16 Episode Script

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Merry Christmas, dude.
Don't put it in your nose.
It burns like hell.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
As president of the Quahog|Chamber of Commerce, I'd like to thank the Senior Centre|for decorating our tree.
Ooh, broke my hip! Look, there's the manger|for the Christmas pageant.
You're gonna make|the cutest Baby Jesus ever.
So, you want to dress me up and trot me|about like a circus poodle, hm? Let me consult my agent,|Mr Irving R Pointy Stick! Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner.
Mom, I'm freezing.
Can we go home? In a minute.
Would you just|look at this beautiful tree? Every year, I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder|that Christmas promises and that miracle that occurred|on that silent winter's night.
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus! "Seven maids a-milking,|six maids a-milking, five maids a-milk You're not wearing the sweater I made you.
- Uh Well, it's a little warm in here.
|- "Don we now our gay apparel.
" Doesn't get much gayer than this.
Tomorrow's Christmas Eve,|and you still haven't gotten a tree.
I told you, I'm on dipsaluscious vacation.
|What part of that don't you understand? Come on, honey.
It's the only thing|I've asked you to do.
Please? Brian, tape this for me.
The VCR hasn't worked since|you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
Do you have the express written consent|of ABC and the NFL? Just ABC.
If you get us a tree, I'll make sure|Santa brings you a new VCR.
Please? Crap.
How come I have? Commercial! I got something to add to my Christmas list.
Those jewelled bug barrettes.
Not costume -|real.
Maybe you should write that down.
Honey, Santa got all his shopping done|before the rush.
I think you'll be very happy.
I just want peace on Earth.
That's better than being selfish like Meg,|right? So I should get more than her.
Merry Christmas to all|and to all shut the hell up.
Before you sit, we're due at|Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog.
- Can't we tell them your mother died?|- I won't lie about something like that.
All right, I'll kill your mother.
God, when|did Christmas become so complicated? - You guys know that Rudolph is on, right?|- Peter! Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house.
Yeah! It's perfect for|all the happy active gingerbread men.
Except for the one with no legs! Look at|the parents telling their kids not to stare.
"How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?"|I've got news for you, Becky.
Not so well! Joe, you promised.
It's Christmas.
Joe had his accident at Christmastime.
"Check the balls on Uncle Charlie,|fa-la-la-la-la Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! - Hi, Peter.
|- Hi, I'm Prancer.
Why don't you take Joe along? That'll be about as much fun as|a lecture on ontological empiricism.
- What?|- What? Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit.
- For me? Please?|- All right, all right.
But you owe me.
Later, under the mistletoe.
|Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.
The gifts are in the trunk.
Don't forget|to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers.
All right.
- Somebody give me a beer.
|- Heads up.
Yeah, Peter, one of us has|to be the designated driver, and I've already had four eggnogs,|so I guess you're it.
Ha! That's a good one, Joe.
|Way to get into the spirit.
- Oh!|- I'm a cop first, a buddy second, so don't think I wouldn't throw|your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassail! Stewie, honey, time for bed.
|You have a big day tomorrow, Baby Jesus.
Trust me, if I could walk on water, I'd stroll you to a lake and hold you under|until the bubbles stopped! Oh, someone's being naughty, not nice.
- You know, Santa's watching you.
|- What the devil do you mean? Honey, Santa's making a list|and checking it twice.
- He sees you when you're sleeping.
|- He knows when you're awake.
I almost caught him last year.
But he's magic! Constant surveillance|of every child on Earth? Lmpossible! Unless Hidden cameras! Very clever.
Watching to see|if I'm naughty are you? Well, check this twice! (singing "Rock the Boat") Hey, guys.
Check me out.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa Agh! Whoa.
Whoa! Aagh! Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs! That's about as funny as Sinbad.
|Not the comedian.
He's hilarious.
The sailor.
But then he was|never meant to be funny.
I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers.
Sounds like somebody's|got a humbug up his butt.
Maybe we should set him up|with another lemon snow cone.
No, thanks.
The last one you gave me|didn't taste like lemon.
It tasted like Oh, you guys are asses! I knew you were awake.
(gasps) You! Now, Stewie, you are in my power.
Agh! No, damn you!|Damn you, let me go! Agh! Good, Melvin.
Nice work, Woodrow.
Excellent, Stewie.
Agh! It was just a dream.
I needn't fear this Santa.
If he were omnipotent, he'd have|the fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark.
|No one here but me.
(hums) All right, where's the wire?|Show yourself, Claus! - Stewie, go to sleep!|- This doesn't involve you, Lois! - I don't want to have to come in there.
|- I don't want to have to come in there! Shh.
Dad's awake.
- Don't whisper.
I don't have a hangover.
|- It's a Christmas miracle.
Shouldn't you have your sweater on? That's for letting Joe|join in your reindeer games.
Now you go relax while I make my little|Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.
If I'm asleep, just stuff 'em in my mouth.
- Just one more thing.
|- Lois! I need you to take the presents|out of the trunk.
- Aren't you gonna do it?|- I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers.
All? One gift was for charity.
|The rest were for the family.
No, the rest were from the family.
|Were weren't they? Oh, crap.
Since when did they change|the meaning of "for" to "from"? - They had a meeting about it last night.
|- Why wasn't I told? They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter", so you must've thought it was from you,|so you didn't, uh It's just easier to call you stupid.
You're gonna take back|donated gifts on Christmas Eve? Yep.
Now here's the plan: You'll enter|through the air conditioning duct here.
There's a laser grid|three inches above the floor, so you have to compress your body|to the size of a sponge and slide underneath like some|kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Can I buy some pot from you? - What you want?|- Oh! So you understand, all these gifts|were supposed to be for my family.
It was just some crazy mix-up.
Kill 'em.
No, no, no, it's true.
|That remote control car was for my son.
And those barrettes were for my daughter,|and Where's my VCR? Dang it, Buck!|It's my turn to use the sexbox! It's my sexbox! And her name is Sony.
You gave away all the presents? If you strike me down, I shall become more|powerful than you can possibly imagine.
You brought glad tidings to|a family less fortunate than your own.
You're not mad? I am a bit irritated that I have to shop again.
|But at least some good came out of it.
So I can drink beer and watch TV?|Because Kiss Saves Santa is on.
But, Mrs Claus, who would kidnap Santa? Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out.
Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! Easy, Gene.
Guys, let's go save Christmas.
- To the Kisscopter!|- Yay! You can watch all the TV you want|just as soon as we get back from the mall.
The mall? On Christmas Eve? I just want this family|to have a perfect Christmas.
And I need a little help, OK? - Brian, can you turn the oven off at three?|- No problem.
We'll shop, come home, eat, and then it's off to the pageant|to see little Stewie play Baby Jesus.
Yes, yes.
By all means|turn me into a child star.
Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and|wrangle a three-way with the Olsen twins.
There's a spot! Ah, screw this.
OK, Peter.
We'll each take|half the list to save time.
Kids, why don't you|take Stewie to see Santa? Santa? No, it's not possible!|Sitting alone in this public setting? No bulletproof glass?|Claus, you make it too easy.
Change me! I've leaked,|and I won't face him wet! We return to|"Bob Hope's Christmas With The Troops".
It's good to see you.
|I would've been here sooner, but Lincoln gave me|the wrong Gettysburg Address.
How about this having|to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? Ah, sweet! It's Kiss Saves Santa.
Hang on, Santa.
We're coming! Hurry! The eggs are hatching! - What do we do?|- Wait a second.
Everyone knows pterodactyls|can't stand the screech of a guitar! (strums) - It's working!|- Santa, be careful! - Careful, Santa!|- Hang on, Santa! - I was watching that! Hey!|- It'll be on next Christmas.
Who the hell knows when that will be? (oven timer rings) Agh! - If I was an oven mitt|- (smoke alarm) Dammit, Peter! Ho, ho, ho.
|And what can I bring you this year? A peace offering, is it? Very well.
Trim those gin-soaked whiskers|and bring me plutonium.
- Can you be a good boy?|- Hm, your inquiry intrigues me.
Can any of us be good? Are our primal|urges innate or the result of our choices? OK, wrap it up, kid.
All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium,|then your wager is accepted.
I will be nice.
Good boy! Now, smile for the camera.
Yes, yes, smile like a good boy.
Aha! Meg's barrettes.
You mean Julie's barrettes! You still want 'em, you bony old blue-hair? Ow! Ow! Titty-twister! Ow! Hurts! Hey! Aha! All the clown fish and yellow tangs|in the world can't help you now.
That's it? Fish food?|That's your ace in the hole? Agh! Agh! Oh, God! Agh! Phew.
Turkey! Lois, it was horrible.
The fish were|jumping all over my eyes and in my nose, and one of them muttered|something anti-Semitic.
We're almost home, honey.
|There's the star on the town Christmas tree.
We're following it home,|like the Three Wise Men.
- So, what'd you get him?|- Gold.
Gold? I thought we agreed|on a $5 limit here.
- I just got him a crappy bottle of myrrh.
|- Hello? Frankincense! You always do this! Look, we'll put everything together|and put all our names on it.
- No!|- That's so chea - Yes!|- No! No, no, no, no, no! You can't Oh, my God! Brian, are you OK? I told you we should've left cookies for Santa.
Agh! My couch! My TV! What the hell did you do? Me? Who the hell buys|a novelty fire extinguisher? Someone who cares enough about physical|comedy to put his family at serious risk.
Boys, please.
It's Christmas Eve.
This is a night for magic and wonder and joy.
OK, so a couple of things have gone wrong.
|But we can still have a great Christmas.
Jeez, kids.
I was this close to losing it.
|But your mom's right.
Sure I am.
|Meg, honey, get me some paper towels.
Let's lose the bad tidings|and find that holiday cheer.
Yeah, all right.
We're out of paper towels.
No paper towels? Aaaaagh! - I was gonna pick at that.
|- Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this goodwill falls|from the freakin' sky? It doesn't! It falls out of my holly-jolly butt! So cook your own damn turkey,|wrap your own damn presents, and while you're at it, you can all|ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell! Aaagh! (laughs dementedly) Oh, here's the paper towels.
I-I-I changed my mind.
Clarence, I wanna live again!|I wanna live again! Whoa! Hey, I guess there's some magic|in that old silk hat.
(Lois snarls) Merry Christmas! - Easy, lady.
|- You want some of this! (laughs dementedly) - What the hell is her problem?|- Frosty, let it go! Just a second.
|You got something to say to me? All he did was wish you a merry Christmas.
Wish? It's easy to wish.
But does anyone take responsibility|and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it|for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy! Ah! Ow! What the? Take it off! Take it off! Must kill star.
Dad, what happened to Mom?|What if she never comes back? If this is the way she's gonna act|at Christmas, do we even want her back? Which is better? Around the waist|or off the shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? I thought you didn't|wanna be in the pageant.
Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty|of me not to fulfil my obligation to Mother.
- The pageant means so much to her.
|- Where do you think she is? Thank God years ago I planted|a homing device in her skull for just such an occasion.
I forgot.
I also put 'em in some squirrels.
This won't do any good.
|Let's see if she's at the pageant.
You you lied to me.
Oh, my God! There's Mom! Hi, Lois! Do we look like ants down here? Bite me! Great time last night.
|Don't worry.
We'll get Lois down.
- Locked and loaded.
|- You can't shoot my mom! Don't worry, kid.
|It's just a mild sedative.
Go! Hang on.
Lois is only up there because we|sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her.
Maybe if she sees the pageant,|it'll bring her around.
Trust him.
He's seen every|Christmas special ever made.
- Are you wearing a girl's sweater?|- Does that matter now? You got ten minutes.
Lights, please.
As we all know, Christmas|is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from|the grave to feed on the flesh of the living.
So we sing Christmas carols|to lull him to sleep.
How dare he say such blasphemy!|I've gotta do something! Bob, there's nothing you can do.
I guess I'll just have to|develop a sense of humour.
I am the Virgin Mary.
|That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Oh, our saviour has arrived! Good evening.
I'm playing the role of Jesus, a man once portrayed on the big screen|by Jeffrey Hunter.
You may remember him as the actor|replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.
Mr Hunter was good enough|to die for our sins, but not quite up to the task|of seducing green women.
Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is|to spread goodwill towards all men.
The irony is that this is|contrary to our nature.
So why do we do it?|Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behaviour will|be rewarded with love and plutonium.
She's not getting it.
|OK, take her down.
- Merry Christmas, buddy.
|- Wonder what this could be.
- This Christmas rocks!|- Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts.
Mom? It's OK.
Your mom's just|full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilliser|to bring down a bull elephant.
Honey, you got a little some|You got a little Oh, I'll get it.
Hungry Hungry Hippos?|Claus, you porcine double-crosser! - And to think I was nice!|- You got another one, dude.
(gasps) Plutonium! He is real! He's really, really real! - Did you get everything you wanted?|- You bet.
A week's vacation, a new VCR, and best of all,|my own copy of Kiss Saves Santa.
You just practise that guitar, Santa.
|Next time we'll let you do a solo.
Don't encourage him! - From all of us at Family Guy|- We wish you Christmas joy.
May all your wishes come true For every girl and boy.
We hope your freakin' holidays|are filled with fun and cheer.
So have a Merry Christmas and (slurs unintelligibly)