Family Guy s04e20 Episode Script

Patriot Games

Family Guy: "Patriot Games" All right, all bets are in.
Ooh, Rupert, bad idea trusting the Celtics.
Worse than when I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.
Hey, Brian, care to place a wager? Tomorrow night on Fox's Celebrity Boxing, I've got Carol Channing beating Mike Tyson in three rounds.
Carol Channing You've got Carol Channing, the actress, beating Mike Tyson, the boxer.
Hell, give me Well, you're in good company.
Betting Freddy took the same wager.
B- b-b-b-b-b-b- b- b-b-b-b-bet! Wait a minute.
There's nothing funny about an addiction.
Vote "no" on Indian gaming laws.
And we're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing.
I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round we'll never know.
Come here, young man.
I'm gonna bop you one.
- She's getting beat! - No, she's getting mad.
Ah, you ain't so tough, young man.
That all you got, you son of a bitch.
You're going down, young man.
You're going down! I ca I can't believe this.
She keeps getting up.
I'm so exhausted.
And the winner, by technical knockout, weighing in at 67 pounds, Carol "Put on Your Sunday Clothes" Channing! Yeah! Up yours, young people.
You and your rock and roll eight-track tapes! I don't believe this.
I just lost a $50 bet.
You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife.
But there's nothing funny about that.
Hi, guys.
We're back from the mall.
I got new shoes.
The old ones are in the box.
They smell and are old.
Hey, Peter, your 25th high school reunion is next Sunday.
Eh, throw that away.
I don't wanna go.
Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night.
Oh, yeah! You're my Chinese Lois.
Hey, it's me.
So, uh, you got, uh, you got my money? Huh? Oh, yeah.
I'll pay you soon? Yeah, well, um, here's a suggestion.
Um Have the money by tomorrow and there won't be any problems.
- Huh? - Yeah, 24 hours.
Why? What happens in 24 hours? Huh? I don't know.
I'm not psychic, man.
I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody if you had the money tomorrow.
Yeah, all right.
I'll see what I can do.
Sweet, sweet.
- Uh, how's everything else going? - Good.
All right, all right.
See you later.
Don't forget.
Nah, you're not going to forget.
Hey, Peter, I was going through your garbage and I noticed your high school reunion is coming up.
Why were you going through my garbage? Well, when I stopped over earlier, I noticed Lois clipping her toenails and I thought: "Oh, man, I gotta get in on that.
" Huh.
Yeah, I don't think I'm going to my reunion.
Everybody's all got their nice cars and their big, important jobs, and their fancy hats, and their fresh strawberries so big you can eat them like a hand fruit.
Peter, everyone lies at those things.
Just tell them you're a big shot.
Wait a second, Joe, that's a great idea.
Boy, imagine what it would be like to be a big shot.
Diego? Sweaty.
Ah thank you.
- Stewie.
Uh, hey.
- Hey, there.
So, uh, it's been 24 hours.
Got my money? Oh, I You know what? Just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for.
Oh, that's funny.
I could have sworn I said, have it today.
Yeah, I don't have it, sorry.
Oh, well.
All right, then.
Mmm, that's good OJ.
- Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? - What the hell? Yeah, that doesn't feel so good, does it? - No, huh? - Oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, that's what happens, man.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, that's what happens.
Where's my money?! You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man? Where's the money? Yeah, you like that? That feel good? That feel good? Where's the money, man? Where's my money? You've got till 5:00, you hear me? You got till 5:00.
- You freakin' psychopath! - Clean yourself up.
Peter, this is ridiculous.
Why can't you just be yourself? Lois, just go along with it.
Act like I'm a big shot.
- Hey, Peter Griffin, is that you? - Hey, Mike, long time no see.
- Wow, what, uh what's all this? - Oh, this? Oh, I just came from work.
I'm a Secret Agent Astronaut Millionaire.
Where'd you get the cowboy hat? Space.
Oh, by the way, this is my friend, Tom.
You're Tom Brady from the New England Patriots! Oh man, I got to tell you, you kick ass, man.
In fact, I was just saying that the other day, to all the guys down at the brewery.
Brewery? I thought you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire.
He's a fake! Look, this cowboy hat comes right off.
Coming here was a huge mistake, Lois.
Peter, I know you're humiliated, but getting drunk is not the answer.
Either my esophagus just got shorter, or I'm about to throw up.
Peter, that was amazing.
I've never a seen a guy your size who could move like that.
How would you like to play for the New England Patriots? Oh.
I'd love to.
Say, listen, uh, Tom, could you get me a towel? I threw up on the floor.
And could you also get another towel? I also threw up on this gentleman's bare lap.
- Could you wet the towel? - Wet the towel, Tom? Our top story tonight, we go live to terrific haircut Bob Costas, as he talks with local man Peter Griffin, who is living his dream of playing for the New England Patriots.
Bob? Thanks, Tom, I'm fond of your hair, as well.
I'm standing here with Tom Brady and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin.
Hey, Ma! Check it out! I'm married to a pro athlete! What do you think of that? We're really excited to have Peter.
I think he's gonna make a great addition to a great team.
I want to thank God.
Uh, I want to thank the Lord God.
Uh, 'cause it's not really up to me, it's up to him.
Um, and I want to thank the Devil, too.
Uh, you know, 'cause that's, uh, that's why God's there.
He's, uh he's minding the fence, making sure that guy never comes back.
Uh You know, if it weren't for the Devil, God'd probably go insane, blow his brains out from boredom, you know? Everybody likes to feel useful.
Make-a da world go round.
Back to you, Tom.
Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out? Oh, yes Coming up, America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman.
" We'll tell you what it means after this.
Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me.
I'm somebody now, you know? I- I don't have to lie to people about my life anymore.
Oh, I am so happy for you, Peter.
What the hell happened to you? I, uh Fell down the stairs.
Oh, you should be more careful.
All right, I'm ready.
Come on, good game.
Good game, everybody.
Come on, good game.
Let's get out there.
Let's do it.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's go.
Good game! Ready! Blue 20, blue 20! Hut, hut! - Griffin, let go! - Let's go?! - Mornin'.
- Good day to you, sir.
Hey, wait a minute.
What the hell? Getting real tired of you ducking me, man.
- Yeah? - Oh, my God! Yeah, getting really tired.
Huh? Where's my money?! Where's my money? Yeah, you got money to pay for fake moustaches, huh? Yeah.
How-How much you pay for that fake moustache? $2.
Ooooooh! Listen, you just got to give me more time Don't make a fool out of me, man.
Don't make a fool out of me.
I want my money.
- I want my money, man.
- Stewie Listen, this is crazy.
You got Oh, my God.
All right, let's go to the bank.
Well, I got to tell you, this was a delicious dinner, Mrs.
Well, the pleasure is all ours, Mr.
Please, call me Tom.
- Can I call you Tom, too? - Well, of course.
Brady, would you please sign my Trapper Keeper? Oh, Tom, your shirt.
I'm so sorry.
Look, you can use our shower if you want.
No, it's okay.
It's just a little spot.
It'll come out.
Well, that's not gonna come out.
You better take a shower.
- Mom, let me look! - Meg, stop shoving.
You wouldn't even know what to do with it.
He's closer to my age, you cow.
What the hell is this? Oh, hi, Stewie.
We were just leaving.
I say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it.
What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello! - Hey.
What's goin' on? - What the hell?! Get out of here! Well, we're on the same team.
We shower together.
Yeah, in the locker room.
- Yeah, yeah, come here, you.
- Ah, stop, knock it off.
What are you crazy? We're just a couple of guys messing around.
That's what we are.
Ooh, ooh, quiet, everybody, my commercial's on.
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots.
I'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Savings Weekend, at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.
We will blitz the competition, and in no time, you'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru right to a touchdown.
At Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru We have Hyundais and Subarus.
Mom, the game's about to start.
Where's Dad? I don't know, Chris.
And I'm starting to get worried.
I think all this success might be going to his head.
Do you know he spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture, of Harriet Tubman doing Gwyneth Paltrow? Yeah.
Yeah, that is happening for real.
I'll enjoy that more tomorrow.
Where the hell is Griffin? It's almost time for kickoff.
Well, I guess we have to start without him.
What do you think, huh? I got this for doing that car dealership ad.
All right, enough messing around, huh? Let's play this game.
Let's play some football.
Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude.
How many times have I told you, no showboating?! Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun.
I got it under control.
Okay, 28-Z right, pitch left, on one, on one.
Ready? Break! Ready? Green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut! Yeah! Huh, there might be some hope for this guy after all.
Damn it, Griffin! I said no showboating! This calls for a victory tune! Now, a woman who'll kiss on the very first date is usually a hussy.
And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out Is anything but fussy But a woman who'll wait till the third time around Head in the clouds, feet on the ground She's the girl he's glad he's found.
She's his Shipoopi She's the girl, he's glad he's found Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi The girl is hard to get.
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet Walk around once, just to raise the curtain.
Walk around twice and you're made for certain.
Once more in the flower garden She will never get sore if you beg her pardon Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do Squeeze her once when she isn't looking Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cooking Once more for a pepper upper She will never get sore on the way to supper Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do Si, do Now little old Sal was a no-gal.
As anyone could see Look at her now, she's a go-gal.
Who only goes for me Squeeze her once when she isn't looking Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cooking Once more for a pepper upper She will never get sore on the way to supper Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do.
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi The girl is hard to get Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet No.
No! Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi The girl is hard to get Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet You can win her Yet Shipoopi! All right.
I made a touchdown.
Griffin, you're fired! - For what? - We've had it with your crap.
I talked to the coach and he's selling your contract to another team.
And the only one that'll take you, is the worst football team in Europe: The London Silly Nannies.
So, Brian, we're even now, right? Ready to start a new life in England.
I've got my money, your wounds have healed up nicely.
What do you say we let bygones be bygones, hmm? You shot me in both my knees then lit me on fire.
- Piss off.
- All right, all right.
I tell you what, you get one free revenge shot at me.
But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming.
Ah, this is gonna be fun.
Peter, this is crazy.
Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team? Nah, they said the decision was final.
It's all right, Lois, I can make the best of this.
I mean, a British football team can't be that bad.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey, there.
I'm, uh, Peter Griffin.
I'm your new player.
Oh, yes, Peter, welcome to the Silly Nannies.
I'm the quarterback, Lesley.
This is our team.
If you'll marry me I'll dig for you and rake for you If you'll marry me I'll scrub for you and bake for you If you'll marry me All others I'll forsake for you All this will I do if you'll marry me All this will I do If you'll marry me.
Oh, crap.
Well, I guess living in a London flat isn't gonna be too bad, huh? Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
First of all, Chris, it's called a loo.
Second, there's no water in it, because everybody here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
All right, well, where is she? 'Cause I need her now! You're watching BBC 4.
Ellen, there's moisture on the outside of my glass.
It's condensation, Johnny.
But what about the fog on the windows? It's not fog, Johnny.
It, too, is called condensation.
sation-sation-sation Hey, Peter, how was your first Silly Nannies practice? It sucked, Lois.
Those Silly Nannies are just a bunch of losers.
Pack your bags, we're going home.
What, you're just giving up? Look, Peter, I know you're upset because you blew your opportunity with the Patriots but This is your chance to redeem yourself.
Now I bet if you really tried, you could turn that team around.
You know what, Lois? When you were talking about that sale at T.
Maxx just now, I came up with an idea.
I am gonna turn that team around.
And we'll challenge the Patriots to a game, and we'll kick their ass! Oh, man, what an attractive woman.
- Hello? - Hey, Brady! - You're dead! - Listen, Leno! You keep calling here and threatening me, I'm gonna notify the police.
Leno? No, no, this is Peter Griffin.
I'm calling to challenge you to a grudge match between the Patriots and the London Silly Nannies.
Well, Griffin.
If you want to embarrass yourself, be my guest.
What do you say, England? - Two weeks from now? - See you there.
- Hello? - Hey, Brady! What kind of suit you want to be buried in? Oh, you kids are gonna love this.
England has such a rich heritage of great theater.
Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum? Treaches on the upper with the trang sang.
Croppers to you, you crang sang lover.
She rogered the boogley! All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers.
If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up.
So you're gonna get in shape the way American athletes do: Taking steroids.
I say, Jenkins, you give me that dirty look one more time, and I've a good mind to get into my PJ's and have a pillow fight with you.
Very well, then.
En garde! - I like your gown.
- I like yours.
When's the beating gonna come, Brian? Just tell me when it's gonna come! Just do something, anything! Look, look, I'll do it.
I'll do it first.
Look, look, I'll do it even worse.
Oh, oh, oh, look how hurt I am.
We're even now! You're going down, Brady! You're the one who's going down, Griffin! What the hell? Those men are tremendous in stature.
And they're coming straight at us! We'll take my carriage! Ah, crap.
Well, I'm still here, you bastards! So let's do this! Oh.
Hey, Brady.
You gonna gloat and call me a loser now? Actually, Peter, you're not a loser at all.
What you did just now was pretty ballsy.
- Really? - Absolutely! For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team, that's a winner in my book.
Thanks, Tom Brady.
Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? - Yeah.
- Can you move your legs? - Yeah.
- Oh, good.
I thought you were gonna be a vegetable.
And I got to tell you, Peter, I- I just don't think I have it in me.
I mean, if you can't move, it's over.
I love you, too, honey.
Let's go home.