Family Guy s04e21 Episode Script

I Take Thee, Quagmire

Family Guy - episode 512 "I take thee, Quagmire" All right, Peter, you made it to the Bonus Round.
Congratulations.
- Thanks, Regis.
- Okay.
The category is "Actor & Show.
" So we need five consonants and a vowel.
Uh, okay.
Um.
"Z," four, "Q," another "Q," uh a third "Q" and a Batman symbol.
Okay, no help there.
Um take a shot at it.
Talk it out.
Is it "Alex Karras in Webster"? I don't believe it.
Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! Okay, you have $1,300.
Why don't you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase? Okay, let's see.
Uh Oh, boy, everything looks nice.
All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600 and, uh Boy, that TV looks nice.
Give me the one free week of maid service and, uh, I'll take the hat rack.
Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
- That's you.
- Oh, oh, embarrassing.
Okay, well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV.
I can't believe you actually won.
But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show.
Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy.
All right, players, the answer once again is: "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars.
" Adam, what was your response? "Kebert Xela.
" Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.
All right, whip'em out, woman.
It's time for the afternoon meal.
My goodness, Stewie.
I guess you're hungry.
Honey, not so rough this time.
Mommy's very sore.
And by the way, let's be clear.
I only like you as a friend.
Hi, I'm Joan.
I'm, uh, your maid for the week.
Me Peter.
You maid.
Um, I do speak English.
You maid, clean for me, Peter.
You clean Peter mess.
Peter, stop it.
Welcome to our home, Joan.
I'm Lois.
Won't you come in? Oh, boy, my own maid.
This is going to kick more ass than that magical ride I took.
It's the great space coaster get on board on the great space coaster We'll explore.
Come and ride a fantasy to a place where dreams fly fast and free With new friends and new things to see We'll spin you through the galaxy Well, we are officially lost.
- On the great space coa - Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm going to punch you right in the stomach.
Joan, it's great to have you here.
No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time.
Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick.
What is this? A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in ten years.
Hey, keep diggin.
Oh, Coleco Vision.
Yeah.
This could be a fun afternoon.
Mr.
Griffin, this is unbelievably humiliating.
Hey, hey, Lois, wants me to go to the store, and the car's low on gas.
Oh, crap.
This is truly a sight to behold.
An awesome spectacle.
Peter Griffin, a once-great champion of the motor speedway now a study in moppishness.
The hell I am! We now return to Malcolm In The Middle.
And I told you boys to pick up your clothes and who left the wet towel on the bed?! I swear to God, sometimes I feel like just going on strike! What would you all do if went on strike, huh?! What would you do?! I'm talking to you! You know what?! That's what I'm going to do! I'm going to go on strike, and you can all try living without me! What do you think about that, huh?! That's what I'm going to do! I'm going to do that! I'm going to go on strike! Kids, we're free.
We're finally free.
Ow, damn, that hurts! What happened? I was breast-feeding Stewie and he bit me again.
I think he might have even broken the skin.
I see.
Um maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it.
Uh I- I have seen a lot of medical shows.
You see, the areola is very tender here, and I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on the duct.
I'm sorry.
What? I don't know what to do, Brian.
Breast'feeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in.
Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.
There you go.
There you go.
Eat up, Steven.
You're the weakest.
Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.
Huh, I suppose it would make my life easier.
You know what? I'll give it a try.
Thanks, Brian.
No problem.
Uh any, any other problems you have, too, like, for example, around your underpants that you want me to take a look at, I could, I could take a look at that, too.
Huh? Please pull down your underpants.
All right, boys, it's my maid's last night, so we got to make the most of it.
I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.
Hey, Meg, will you hold this for Daddy? Okay, why? Uh, it's a present.
It's a "Thanks for being such a sweetie" watermelon.
- So you'll hang on to that? - Yeah, sure.
This is weird.
Am I supposed to eat this? I hate you! I hate you! Oh, maid? Oh, my God! Everybody, this is Joan.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Uh, uh, hey, there.
I mean, it's nice to pleasure your acquaintance.
I mean, uh, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? - I'd love to.
- God, he works fast.
Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket? Or a ****** in your pocket? - Do you want to say 9:00? - Sure.
See you then.
Oh, my God.
I'm in love.
Time for dinner, sweetie.
Very well, then, take off your shirt.
No, honey, no, no.
Tonight we're going to have formula instead.
That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Duke's phase.
So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are.
Come here, you basketball.
It's like a walrus flossing.
Now I know it's different than you're used to, but you'll see.
It's just as good.
Yes, that's what we were promised about Jim Belushi some 25 laugh-free years ago.
Wow, it's so lovely here, Glenn.
Well, this is our three-week anniversary, Joan.
I wanted this date to be special.
You know this place is unique because if you're lucky, some nights around sunset, the screaming black dolphins come out.
Oh, wow, really? I've heard they're just beautiful.
- What's going on, man? - Oh, what's going on yo'self? - I almost drowned yesterday.
- Oh, man, it's wet out here! - Oh, look at them.
- They're magical, aren't they? Listen, Joan I have something very important to ask you.
- Hey, Jay.
- Mm-hmm? I'm going to see how long I can hold my breath.
- I see you breathing out yo hole.
- What is it, Glenn? Joan I've decided I want to spend my life with you.
Will you marry me? Of course, I will! Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs.
Quagmire.
Hey, man, I see you got some seaweed on your tail.
Where? Wha.
.
? You know I'm just playing with ya.
Man, you all Oh! I thought you were talking about the other seaweed.
You know I got jokes! I'm going to slap you with my fin.
Man, I never would have thought Quagmire'd get married.
No, no, I know Quagmire and I'm telling you, this has got to be some kind of prank.
You know, like that prank I pulled on Ashton Kutcher.
Ashton, come here.
You've just been tomahawked.
That's my show.
Tomahawked.
- So, how's the weaning going? - Oh, it's horrible.
Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'll bet the Founding Fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights.
All right, we're done.
You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear.
Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall.
How could that possibly be misconstrued? All right.
Fantastic, then.
Wait.
You know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out.
Boy, I never thought we'd be going to Quagmire's for an engagement party.
I'm telling you guys, he's putting us on.
He's the same old Quagmire.
Hey, there, neighbors-are you lost? I'm just joshing.
Of course we're expecting you.
Come on in, friends.
You all just take your shoes off, there.
Joan and I kind of do the Japanese thing.
Uh-oh.
Foot odor.
I have to go.
I have, uh terrible foot odor.
Glenn, your place looks wonderful.
I feel like I can touch things in here now.
We brought you guys a bottle of wine.
- Ooh! Montrachet! - I like our friends.
So, Joan and I just love Without a Trace, don't we, honey? - Yeah, it's all right.
- We think it's all right.
What are you talking about? You hate CBS.
Ooh, hate is a word we don't use in this house.
Joan and I always say, if you don't have anything nice to say about someone don't say anything at all.
We say that, right, honey? - Sometimes.
- Sometimes we say that.
Hey, Quagmire.
Check out this month's Hustler, huh? Quagmire? Now, this is neat.
These people have put an old-fashioned Colonial spinning wheel in the center of their living room.
As furniture.
Oh, that's what I want in my house.
All right, Quagmire, time for your lap dance.
No, guys, I can't do that.
It's degrading to women.
Come on, Quagmire, it's got to be you.
I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down.
Why do you bring me here?! Ah! Brian, my breasts are so sore, and they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
Well what did you do with the old bras? Okay, got to time this just right.
One, two, three Help! Somebody get this baby off me! Stewie! I'm so sorry.
By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs, they're lies! I can't believe it.
Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us.
Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow.
There's only one thing to do.
We gotta break it up.
Gosh, Peter, thanks so much for being my best man.
No, it's my pleasure.
In fact, I got a wedding surprise for you.
All right, back it up, guys.
I know you've got a foot fetish so I got you this Statue of Liberty's foot.
Oh, thanks, Peter, but Joan's all the foot I need now.
What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue of - No, no, I'm okay.
- Hey.
Hey.
Do you have any idea what I went through to get this? A lot.
A real lot.
You think this is just: "Oh, here comes Peter with the Statue of Liberty's foot?" "Oh, isn't that a gas?" No, no.
The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering.
You know? This cost me $437,000.
Don't ask me how I got it.
I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met.
So the very least you can do is just rub up against I don't know.
- Well, if you want I can - No, no, no.
No.
No.
It's fine.
No.
Whatever.
Just go to your wedding, man.
No.
No, no, no.
Take just get it out of here.
Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion.
No, it's not, Lois.
It's horrible.
You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married.
It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out.
I know, Peter, but Oh! Damn it.
I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen.
Look out.
Champagne.
Peter, stop.
Oh, Lois, you're all wet.
Here, let me jiggle you dry.
Giggety-giggety.
God! I've made a terrible mistake! Oh, my God! You blew it up! You really did it.
Damn you all to hell! Oh, God, I gotta get out of this marriage.
- Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? - You slept with my wife.
It's easy, Quagmire.
Just tell her to hit the bricks.
Yeah, you've gotten out of commitments before.
Wow, that was great.
Sure was.
See ya.
But you said we were gonna get married.
No, I only said that so you'd giggoogety my gashmoigin.
So, anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is, uh some of the guys thought we should get a divorce.
What?! B- b-b-b-but I, I told them they didn't know what they were talking about.
Good.
Good.
'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself.
and then I'd cut you.
I love you, Glenn.
I love you, too, insane woman I'm having second thoughts about.
- What?! - All right.
Yeah, sleep away, woman.
But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's the stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dear God, I've got to get a hold of myself.
Look at me, sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet.
I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.
- Hey, Lois, what's this word? - Evel.
- And this one? - Knievel.
- And this one.
- Was.
- And this one.
- Born.
- And this one.
- In.
- And this one.
- Montana.
Oh, hey, Lois.
Did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana? You didn't tell her? Look, I told you, she was gonna kill herself.
- What was I supposed to do? - Let her.
No, that's not funny.
Wait a second.
We know she's gonna be upset if you dump her, but if something happened that was out of your control - What do you mean? - I mean, we're gonna fake your death.
All right, fellas, I think we did it.
This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death in the history of fake deaths.
- What do you guys want? - Joan.
Um You mind if we come in? There's, um there's been an accident.
This is, uh, not going to be easy, but, um, it's something you should see.
So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park minding his own business.
I just happened to be there with my video camera, when a ninja shows up! And then a Nazi came! And then an evil pots-and-pans robot.
Destroy.
Destroy.
I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body.
Well, we thought of that.
Oh, no, Quagmire's dead.
Wait.
We might still be able to save Oh, no! We are so, so sorry for your loss.
Is this a joke? I wish it were, Joan.
I wish it were a joke.
But these things happen, you know? You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel chair ninjas and Nazis and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill you and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains.
- You've seen the news.
- You're not fooling anyone.
All right, fellows, Plan B.
Plan B, Quagmire.
Hi, honey, I'm home! Heart attack.
Glenn! Sweetheart! - Is he all right? - No, he's dead.
- I can tell.
I'm a cop.
- Oh, my God.
Are you sure? You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels.
I said, when people die, they void their bowels.
What a jackass.
- Well, you look a lot better.
- I did it, Brian.
Through sheer force of will, I kicked my addiction to breast milk.
I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive.
- Yeah? How'd you do that? - I watched In the Cut.
Meg Ryan, topless.
No thanks.
No thanks.
Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you.
What are you doing? Well, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him, but I just miss the bonding.
No.
No! No, put me down! I beg of you! I just kicked the stuff.
Damn you! You sick, twisted I hate you.
I love it.
I will kill you! You sure Quagmire's okay in there? No problem.
He's got half an hour of oxygen.
We'll sneak back later and dig him up.
Sorry I'm late.
I had a meeting over at NBC about Joey.
Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today.
Not according to my paperwork.
Says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack.
I gotta tell you, I always thought it'd be rectal trauma.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you doing? Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies, so the city says all caskets must been cased in concrete.
You'll thank me when no one eats our brains.
You'll thank me.
Hold it! Stop the funeral! Quagmire's not really dead.
Zombie! Glenn! I thought I'd lost you! Sorry, Mr.
Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me, so No! You can't take him! Uh You know, um This is probably not cool.
Just throwing it out there.
- She was suicidal.
- She was? - Yeah, absolutely.
- I have heard that, too.
- And her last name was Quagmire.
- Well, good enough for me.
I gotta go.
I got tickets to Celine Dion.
I'm not gonna kill her.
I'm just gonna watch her die on her own.
Anyone? Anyone? It's good to have you back, Quagmire.
It's good to be back, Peter.
Hey, Death? Can you leave that body here for another five minutes? That's Quagmire.