Family Guy s04e22 Episode Script

Sibling Rivalry

Family Guy - episode 513 "Sibling rivalry" - Chris, did you get your homework done? - Yup.
Chris, I know when you're lying to me, just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping.
- What was that? - Hey, what the hell?! Uh, hey.
- Get out of here! - Okay, okay.
No, Mom.
I got it all done.
For my science homework, I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
You mean diorama.
Hey, Lois, I got your pregnancy test.
What the hell you need this for? I need it because I think I might be pregnant.
What?! My God, are you sure it's yours? Lois pregnant? I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship.
But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald.
Hey, Mr.
President! Mr.
President, up here! I voted for you.
Wait a minute.
That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun.
He's gonna shoot the President.
Holy smokes, I've got to do something! All right, Lee, time to become an American hero.
Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant.
We can't afford another kid.
We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr.
Furley Peter, those aren't your kids.
That's the Nick At Nite lineup.
Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E.
Honda - That's Street Fighter.
- Red, blue, green.
Those are colors.
God, I can't believe we weren't more careful.
This probably happened that night we tried role-playing.
Oh, I need a spanking.
I'm a bad, bad girl.
I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points.
I can use my helm of disintegration, and do One-D-Four damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus five holy avenger.
Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration.
Okay.
Then I'm a black guy.
Oh, thank God it's negative.
Dodged a bullet there, huh? Although, I got to tell you, I was, uh, kind of getting used to the idea of having a little brother or sister.
Peter, we can't risk these things anymore.
You're absolutely right.
Lois, you're getting your tubes tied.
Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy.
First of all, I don't know what that is, and second of all, no freaking way.
Peter, it's the male equivalent of a woman getting her tube's tied, except it's actually a lot quicker and safer.
Let these guys explain.
A vasectomy's a medical procedure - One that makes you half a man - You're half a man Remember when you twisted up your garden hose? Well, essentially that is That is the plan Well, I'm starting to get the picture, but how's it done? You make a small incision in the scrotal skin - Isolate the vas and then - Isolate the vas, and then you Hold it in position with a towel clamp - Then you snip the fibrous tissue - Then you snip the fibrous tissue Hey, but, you'll never have to wear a condom When you do it with your wife Or anyone else you do it with We promise not to tell Like that new hot chick at work You know, the one who always has high beams under her ribbed white cotton T-shirt But then stares dagger sat you for checking her out And it's like why do you wear that if you don't want attention? But you know you shouldn't think that way Because of the sexual harassment meeting you all had to go to Seriously, how lame was that? And you couldn't help but notice that the female lawyer running the seminar had a huge rack Like, ridiculously huge for someone who has to talk about that kind of stuff Well, I guess that's the definition of the word irony - Good-bye - Say good-bye to manhood - Good-bye - Say good-bye to babies - Good-bye - Say good-bye to kids like Meg Vacuum out your sack.
Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
You poor bastard.
After all, sex is pointless without potency.
That's right.
You take the venom out of a cobra, and what have you got? You got a a belt.
It's not that big a deal.
A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven't changed at all.
- Would you ever have one? - Never! Well, yeah, but what if me and Lois do end up wanting another baby? It'll be too late.
You could freeze some of your sperm at the sperm bank just in case.
I don't know, Cleveland.
It didn't work out so great that time I froze my nuts.
No! No! Bad squirrel! Those are my nuts! My nuts! Ah, you're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts.
No! Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts! - Hey, Brian, you want to play tag? - No.
- Freeze tag? - No.
- TV tag? - No.
If I can get some guys, you want to play Red Rover? No.
Maybe.
You get the guys first, we'll talk about it.
No! Junglegym mine! Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut? Anyone else want to feel my Weebok in their grapes? Then you'll all do as I say! - Hi.
- Well, hello there.
Yes, that's right, cry.
Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens.
Nobody move, nobody move.
D- Does-Does anybody see it? It might be stuck to a tree or a rock.
A nyone? Oh, I am so grounded.
Hi, there.
Peter Griffin.
I've, uh, got an appointment to, uh, banish a white Russian from my Kremlin.
Well, we don't have empty rooms right now, but if you'll have a seat Yeah.
Uh, I kind of, uh, warmed myself up in the car, if you catch my drift.
- I could put you in the storage freezer.
- That'll work.
Nurse, I've got a splinter.
Just come out whenever you're done.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God, I I think I feel them moving.
Hi.
My partner and I want to have a baby.
We'd like a vial of sperm and an applicator that looks like Jody Foster's knuckles.
Certainly.
Let me just go to the freezer.
Mr.
Griffin, you were in there an awfully long time.
- Are you all right? - Yup, yup, fine, fine.
And, uh, just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in.
There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm.
Zero chance.
It's a boy! Victory shall be mine! We now return to Tony Danza and Sylvester Stallone in What? Peter, we have to talk.
We haven't had sex since your vasectomy.
Ah, I just don't feel like it, Lois, seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore.
Honey, it was just a simple operation.
It's no reason to give up on your sex life.
I don't know, Lois.
I'm just not feeling it anymore.
Besides, it gives me time to try new things.
Like that time I tried wearing adult diapers.
Hey, Lois.
Hey, kids.
Oh, boy, that smells delicious.
You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you, but, I got to go meet Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire down at the bar, so, uh, just put my dinner in the fridge, and I'll heat it up later.
Love ya'.
You, go get me an ice cream! You, clear the slide.
I'm going down in five minutes.
You, did you get me my Cheese Whiz, boy? You're my boyfriend.
Yes, dear, of course I am.
Now where's Lloyd with our Fun Dip? Good God, running an empire is harder than finding diversity in the Abercrombie & Fitchcatalogue.
- There he is! There he is right there.
- Ah! Found him! Oh, that was a tricky one.
What the deuce is all the commotion? All right! Out of my way! Move aside! What the hell is so bloody fascinating? You! Well, well, well.
If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie! Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter.
How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles? - He donated sperm.
- Gross.
Well, I don't mean to be a discourteous host, but this is my playground.
- I rule this territory.
- My, my.
What an amusingly misguided view.
Very well, then.
You leave me no choice but to declare war.
So be it.
I'll do to you what B.
C.
does to comedy on a daily basis.
Hey, boys, you having a midnight snack? I'm just gonna grab something, too, and go back to bed.
Alone.
Again.
Night.
You know, Lois has gotten kind of fat since you guys stopped having sex.
It might be time to, uh you know have some sex.
You know, at first, I didn't want to do it 'cause of the vasectomy, but now it's just I mean, look at her.
She's got elbow cleavage.
You know, that little wrinkle that fat people get on their elbows that looks like a schwa? I mean, you wouldn't have sex with her, would you? - Oh, yeah, I would.
- Really? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I would do everything to her.
I don't care what she looks like.
- I would wreck that chick.
- Well, you are a trooper.
Sorry, fat wife coming through.
Sorry, sorry, excuse me, fat wife.
Oh, hold on a sec.
- All right, bring her through.
- Peter, stop it.
For God's sakes, you're embarrassing me.
Not as embarrassed as I was when I got that job entertaining prison inmates.
Do it again, Griffin.
- Come on, I just did it like five - Do it! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're, like it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.
Look, honey, with all due respect, you've gained some weight recently.
It's five pounds at the most.
It's not a big deal.
It's a slippery slope, Lois.
You start with five pounds, and then one day, boom, you wake up, and you're on The Practice with sixteen rings in your ear.
You're one to talk.
Look how fat you are.
Lois, men aren't fat.
Only fat women are fat.
Now, if you'll excuse me i have to go warn the chef that you've arrived.
He wants fat? I'll show him fat.
The only reason I'm eating anyway is because i hate him.
He won't touch me.
Do you think I'm fat? - Only if you think I'm a serial killer.
- What? Nothing.
Attention, all hands! We're going to launch a massive air strike against Bertram and his army.
Behold the armada! It's quite simple, actually.
You press the smiling duck to take off, the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons, and the clown face is just a clown face, enjoy it.
Now, battle stations, everyone! At my signal Unleash hell.
What took you so long? What took you so ugly? - Well, now what? - Want to play 20 Questions? - Sure, uh, is it a man? - Yes.
- Is he famous? - Yes.
- Is he under 40? - No.
- Over 40? - Yes.
- On television? - Yes.
- On television now.
- No.
- In the past 20 years? - Yes.
- Is it Richard Mulligan? - Yes! Even till now we've been fighting Bertram on his terms.
Whoa.
Easy, easy, girl.
Easy, easy, easy.
But I propose an invasion.
We've got to fight him over there by the swing set, so we don't have to fight him here at the sandbox.
Stewie.
What's this? A letter of surrender.
We did it! Whew.
It's a good thing, too, because I really didn't have an exit strategy.
Yay, Stewie.
Oh, thank you, darling, I What is this, makeup? Are you wearing makeup? Chicken pox.
Damn you, Bertram, I thought we called no biological warfare! You swore on the seesaw! Stewie, there you are.
Oh, my God.
Your face.
Oh, sweetie, you got the chicken pox.
- Come on, we got to get you out of here.
- No.
No, damn you! I've go finish what I started! No My God, do you put on weight? You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses.
Look, there's my face.
Here you go, sweetie.
A couple more oatmeal baths and you'll be all better.
No need to clean up when I'm done.
You'll probably just slice a couple of bananas in here and chow down, huh, porky? So what happened with that kid on the playground? He won this round, Brian, but I'm going back tomorrow.
And when I've carried out my plan, he won't know what hit him.
Like that baseball team that Peter coached.
Well, kids, just when I thought we'd never find and assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground.
He's got a clown costume in his trunk, so we know he's good with kids, and pictures of boys in their underwear, so he's probably had some medical training.
Well, I'm going to take off while he fits you for cups in that windowless supply shed.
See ya.
This Friday on TNT, the world premiere of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator.
Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice, and I figured you either get busy talkin' or you get busy dyin'.
The work is really quite easy.
Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair sipping some tea and reading from a script.
The wall is covered with something that resembles egg crates, except they're soft and spongy, like a Twinkie like a Twinkie.
Oh, hey, Hogzilla, you happen to see my hot wife, Lois, around? No, I haven't.
Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her.
Do me a favor when you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way.
Last night, for God's sake, you farted.
I felt like somebody was sticking me with a cigarette lighter from the car.
- You're fat.
- Shut up and go to sleep.
Lois, you weigh a ton.
Get off me.
- I'm trying.
- Try harder.
- Ow! Lois, that hurts! - Peter, if you'll just stop for one second Peter, are we having sex? Uh, let's check.
Uh, just, lift up that fold right there.
Uh yeah.
Lois, last night was amazing! It was, wasn't it? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had.
There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs.
I know, it was amazing.
Much better than that night you pretended your penis was Danny Aiello.
Oh.
That is so interesting, Danny Aiello.
You've got the best Spike Lee stories.
What's that? You want to meet my wife? - Peter, stop it.
- Lois, just say hello.
You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello.
Now come here, my fat concubine.
Peter, I'm not even hungry.
I want you bigger.
I want you fatter.
It will please me.
With Stewart out of the picture, this whole playground is under my control.
I sense something.
A presence I've not felt since Stewie, you're alive! Yes, Bertram, I'm alive, and I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated.
You have an annoying habit of turning up where you're not welcome.
Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more that the other vowels hate "Y.
" If you'll turn to page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, Okay.
Okay.
All right.
You know what? I'm in a meeting.
I'll call you back.
Well, well, well, look who decided to show up.
So, what are we talking about here? - Well, before you - I'm sorry F! What's up? No, no, I can talk.
En garde! Any last words? You wouldn't kill me Would you? Thanks for helping me dig this hole, Mr Moltisanti.
Hey, no problem, Stewie.
This can be a pain in the ass when you got to do it all by yourself.
Yeah, you're telling me.
All right, go ahead and drop it in.
Oh, boy, that's going to be beautiful when it reaches adulthood.
Yeah, I love plants.
So what happened with that kid you were telling me about? - Oh, he admitted defeat and ran off.
- What a mook.
Oh, Peter, I love you so much.
Oh, Lois, I have no idea if we're doing it of if that's just the back of your knee, but either way it feels so good.
Ow.
Peter, you're on my arm.
It hurts.
My chest hurts, too.
Oh, my God, Peter I think I'm having a heart attack.
- Me, too, sweetie, me, too.
- No, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack.
Oh, my God, you're serious? We should get you to the hospital.
All right, hold-hold on a sec All right, almost done, almost done - Peter! - Almost done, almost done, almost done.
Okay, let's go.
Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat to get to your heart, Mrs Griffin, but you came through it beautifully.
Honey, I'm sorry I tried to make you into something you're not.
I love you no matter what size you are.
Although, I gotta admit, I'm gonna miss eating cereal out of the dimples on your ass.
Well, Mrs.
Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.
Thank you, Doctor.
I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems.
- You hear that, Meg? - For your information, Mom.
I don't eat to solve my problems.
I cut myself.
Is that better? Chris, we all love your hat.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey, Doc, what did you do with my Mom's fat? Oh, it's right here in this storage closet.
It's exactly what it looks like.