Family Guy s05e08 Episode Script

Barely Legal

Family Guy Barely Legal And now back to Romancing the Stone.
The only way they're not going to kill my sister is if we give them the stone.
Well, they're going to be looking everywhere.
We'll have to hide it in my chin.
Uh-oh, here they come.
You'd better get in there, too.
Good God, Joan Wilder's sister is being held hostage in Cartagena, and there's not a policeman in sight.
I guess it's up to me.
- Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons.
Our top story : Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog police force to Cartagena, Columbia, to assist in the rescue of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder.
More on that later.
Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner.
- What are you making, Ollie? - Eggo! Thanks, Ollie.
And now this.
Lois, can you come out here for a second? Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? Peter, what is that? This would be a giraffe, Issac Newton.
I stole it from the zoo.
What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.
Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done.
You can't just break the law.
Sure, I can.
I've been doing it all week.
Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets.
All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people.
There's one now.
Go get him.
Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh.
Peter, you take that thing back where it belongs immediately.
All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney.
Allison Janney? Oh, good morning, honey.
That feels really good.
What? Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night.
Get out of here.
What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Jillian.
What's up? Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight? Uh, what time does it start? 10:00 Eastern and Specific time.
What? What did you say? Specific time? - Don't you mean Pacific Time? - No.
I think it's called Specific time.
They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.
Stewie, are you on the line? - Yes.
- Jillian, I'll talk to you later.
Uh so Meg.
How was school? Horrible.
There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me.
Even my backup guy had plans.
Hi, Jimmy.
Um, I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me.
Oh, uh, I, uh H-Hang on.
I'd love to go, Meg, but I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night.
Aw, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you.
No, I won't.
I'm so fat and gross.
I should just kill myself.
That's - Come on.
- I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me.
Meg, stop it.
Come on.
All right, all right, Meg, look, what if I what if I drove you and walked in with you - or whatever? - Brian, will you go with me?! - Are you going to kill yourself if I don't? - Yeah.
Well, then my hands are pretty much tied.
Oh, Brian, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have to buy a new dress.
All the ones I have make me look fat.
The story on everyone's mind continues to be the absence of police officers in Quahog.
Sir, as a citizen, how has this affected you? The police are gone? Oh, my God, we're finally safe! Freedom you see has got our hearts singing so joyfully Just look about, you owe it to yourself to check it out Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Can't you feel a brand-new day? Hey, Joe, where you been? We haven't seen you in days.
Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena, I've been working nonstop.
The only reason I didn't have to go myself is that South America isn't wheelchair accessible.
Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out.
We could be cops, right, Joe? Well, we have started an emergency training program at the Police Academy, but I'm not sure that you're cut out for the job.
Come on, we'll be great cops.
Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training.
Well, we've got long time in this decompression chamber.
You guys mind if I turn on the radio? Peter, don't! - Oh, nice going, jackass.
- Look what you did.
Excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? - You idiot, use your brain.
- You're an idiot.
Stop, stop, stop.
Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.
Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance.
- It really mean sa lot to her.
- You got any weed? I put it in your coat pocket.
Here she is.
Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening.
How do I look, Brian? You sure do, Meg.
FYI, the carpet matches the drapes in color and length.
Well, Brian, here we go.
Oh, this is going to be so much fun.
God, this is going to be a long night.
Oh, Brian, let's dance.
This song kicks ass.
Man, I got to tell ya, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg.
Some of these chicks are unbelievable.
Brian, can I ask you something? Are you drinking so much because you don't want to be here? No, no, Meg.
It's-that's My God, look at these chicks.
You know, the best thing about these girls is, even if you're terrible, they don't know the difference.
You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're going to have to leave.
But Brian can stay.
You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
- Excuse me? - Brian, let's just go.
No, no, no, no.
Now hang on hang on, Meg, hang on.
You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12.
But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore.
So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want.
How's that? Am I in the ballpark? Brian, that was amazing.
No one's ever stood up for me like that.
Hey, no problem.
She's a she's a skank.
You know, you don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? Thanks, Brian.
Sorry, that was the booze, not you.
You gonna eat that? Oh, yes, the day can begin.
Good morning, Brian.
Now we can do this one of two ways.
I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we can spread it out over the course of the day.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Well, I do.
So tell me everything that happened at the dance.
- Morning, cutie.
- Uh, hey.
I had so much fun last night, Brian.
I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.
I-I don't think so.
Oh, come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy, huh? Who's a good boy? Me.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, who's a good boy? - I am.
I'm a good boy.
But no, no, no, look, look I got stuff to do today.
- All right? Sorry.
- We should hook up anyway.
I'll bug you later.
Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian.
With a little encouragement, you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears.
Stewie, shut up.
Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.
m.
? Wait a minute.
Something did happen last night.
Look, it's not that big a deal, all right? We just we just made out a little.
Tell me about it! Go.
It didn't mean anything.
I had a few too many and it's not even worth going into.
This is even a bigger jackpot than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue.
Something, something, something dark side.
Something, something, something complete.
Well, this is it.
Our first day of Police Academy IV.
Welcome to the Police Academy.
We're going to start by learning how to do a cavity search.
Peter, you will be the police officer and Quagmire, you will be the suspect.
Begin.
Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs, and I'm going to have to give you a full cavity search.
Drop your pants.
Uh, Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm still learning.
- All right, start the search.
I think that's everything.
You want me to double-check? Hi, honey.
What? I was thinking about our kiss last night.
I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was.
Yeah You know, I thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said.
We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, Meg, uh, you know what's strange? I-I-I think I might be gay.
I saw this penis on the Internet today and I thought to myself : "Well, that's" - "that's just fine.
" - I'm going to the mall later.
Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
I don't think that's gonna be a possibility.
I have plans, um with Chris.
Chris and I have plans this afternoon.
- We do? - Yeah, we're doing that thing.
We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
Masturbate? That's it.
That's what we're going to do together.
Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you I'm not 100% on this.
Oh, there's the cute prom couple.
Hi, Mom.
Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon? Actually, I thought I was pretty clear Oh, of course it's okay.
Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends.
- Who would have thought? - Oh, we're more than friends, Mom.
- Last night at the dance, Brian - Last night, we decided to be best friends.
Right, Meg? Come on.
Let's go to the mall.
We'll get ya get ya a big ol' pretzel.
I want a pretzel, too! Brian, I'm ready? You in or out? Everyone, this is Brian.
- Oh, this is Brian.
- He does look like Ben Affleck.
- He looks just like Ben Affleck.
- Is that Ben Affleck? - Hey.
- So, how did you guys meet? I'm, uh, a friend of her dad's.
- Ooh, he's older.
- He's cute.
- Do you have a brother? - Makeup and stickers and ponies and mySpace.
com.
Brian's the first serious boyfriend I've ever had.
Uh, Meg, can I talk to you for a second? Look, this has gone a little too far.
I like you.
I think you're great, but what happened at the dance was I mean, that kiss was just a mistake.
Oh, no.
Did I do something wrong? Was it because I didn't sniff your butt first? What? No! I mean, yes, that's how I would know you're interested, but Meg, the fact is that you and I are friends, and that's the way it needs to stay.
Besides, I have a girlfriend.
I'm dating Jillian.
All right, Brian.
I understand.
Good.
I'm gonna grab Stewie, and then we can go.
What's that, Brian? Oh, you were just kidding.
I know you were.
I love you, too, Brian.
And you love me.
You do love me, Brian.
- Hey, Brian - Oh, Meg, hey.
Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about out little talk the other day.
You know, about us being just friends and all.
Yeah.
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
And hey, look, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me.
- So, I baked you a pie.
- Oh, wow.
Hey, that looks delicious.
Mmm, oh, this is good.
What's in there? Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon - and my hair.
- What? My hair's in the pie, Brian.
And now it's inside of you.
Part of me is inside of you, Brian.
Do you feel me, Brian? Do you feel me inside of you? Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? - Uh, sure.
- Let me have some of that Cool "Hwhip?" - What'd you say? - You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
- Cool Hwhip? - Cool Hwhip, yeah.
- You mean Cool Whip.
- Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.
- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.
You're saying it weird.
Why are you putting so much emphasison the "H"? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Hwhip.
You put Cool Hwhip on pie.
Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
- Say "whip.
" - Whip.
- Now say Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.
- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.
- Cool Whip.
- Cool Hwhip.
You're eating hair! Well, Lois, I am now a graduate of the Quahog Police Academy.
And an official on-duty cop.
I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer.
Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am.
Yes, officer! - You are such a dirty cop.
- Don't break those yolks, ma'am.
- Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you! - I know.
Now stick your finger in there and twist it! Hey, uh, Lois, can I talk to you for a second? I think we may have a problem with Meg.
You're telling me.
She's been locked in her room all day.
Who knows what she's doing up there.
Yeah, well, the thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me, and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.
Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance.
Well, uh, I think it's more than that.
Uh So, here's the thing, and don't get mad.
And that part I can't stress enough.
That's a great shirt, by the way.
Um, I may have made out with Meg.
Okay, I had that coming.
What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard?! - Look, I was drinking - Oh, what a shock! Look, the short version is, this morning, she made me eat the hair in her pie.
No, it's not what you think.
Stewie had some, too.
- Stop punching me! - Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two, but you'd better go upstairs and straighten it out right now.
This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.
Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Uh, no.
Why? - Don't lie to me, Brian.
- I'm not lying.
Uh, Meg, you got a minute? What the hell? - I made that for you, Brian.
- Meg! Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again.
And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School For The Hard of Hearing, Mr.
Garret Morris.
Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! I will never be attracted to you.
I will never be attracted to you! You're acting like a psycho bitch.
You're acting like a psycho bitch! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! I won't be ignored, Brian.
Mm, I like your ass.
Joe, I gotta tell you, this whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be.
When do we get to shoot some bad guys? Guys, it's not all about action.
It's about staying vigilant until you're needed.
- What are you doing? - I'm watching Bonnie undress.
- Bonnie's your wife.
- I know.
I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met, but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house.
Get naked, you strange whore! Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night.
I think something may have happened.
Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night, put him in the trunk of his car and then drive away? What?! Chris, why didn't you say anything?! I dropped the ball.
I'm sorry.
I have just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours.
Oh, my God, Brian was right.
Meg really must be obsessed with him.
Peter, we got to find them.
Don't worry, Lois, we're the police, and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl Chris.
I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian.
I can't believe you went to all this trouble.
- Well, you know me.
- Oh, I do, Brian.
I know you so well.
- So, are you ready? - For what? For the fun we're gonna have, Brian.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
Good, old-fashioned, all-American fun.
Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you here.
I'm a little uncomfortable.
Oh, just relax.
We're gonna be here for a "hwhile.
" - Well, I don't know if Wait, what? - We're gonna be here for a hwhile.
- A hwhile? - Yeah, a hwhile.
- You mean, a while.
- A hwhile.
- A while.
- A hwhile.
- A while.
- A hwhile.
- A while.
- Brian, you're acting "wheird.
" Come on.
That one doesn't even have an "H" in it.
- Don't move, dirtbag! - Holy crap, what the hell is this? Brian, she's a teenager! Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Oriental guy that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.
But first, Meg, you need to let Brian go.
- But, Mom, I love him! - Honey, you're just confused.
I'm not confused! I've never been more certain about anything in my life! I need him! Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're Oh, God, I wish I could make you understand.
- You don't know what you need.
- I know what she needs.
- You do? - You bet.
Bring her by my house around 8:30 tonight.
I'll take care of her.
Hi, Mr.
Quagmire.
Mom said I should come over here.
Have a seat, Meg.
Soon it'll all become clear.
Excuse me, while I get a little more comfortable.
Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman.
Now you probably just think of me as square old Mr.
Quagmire from next door, but I've been around the block a few times, learned a couple things, and I can tell you this, there's no reason to grow up too fast.
Teenage girls are exposed to so much these days.
I can see why a relationship looks glamorous, but you've got all the time in the world and a lot of wonderful experiences ahead of ya.
Hang on.
I want to give you something.
This book helped me when I was about your age.
It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling, I'd find that one person who would make me whole.
- Thanks, Mr.
Quagmire.
- You don't have to thank me.
Now get on out of here, you little scamp.
- All right, ladies, you ready for action? - We sure are, Glen.
- Do you have the "hwhip"? - Got it right here wait.
What? Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up at 11:00, Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search for fictitious Romancing The Stone character Elaine Wilder.
Plus, in national news, America's scoutmasters are asking : "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" And in entertainment, is Annette Benning made of leather? A local tanner has a surprising revelation.
- We'll have all this and what else, Ollie? - Sports! And sports.
Join us at 11:00.