Family Guy s05e09 Episode Script

Road to Rupert

Oh, Peter, you're selling your anvil? Yeah, I've had a lot of good times with this thing.
Oh, a dollar! - Hey, there, Chris.
- Hi, Mr.
Herbert.
- Selling your old hand-me-downs? - Yep.
You got anything you used to wear in the summertime? - Just these old shorts.
- Sweet Jesus.
You know, Brian.
I'm looking forward to getting rid of some of this crap.
Like this movie, Stimy Gruffin, The Untold Story.
It's not a movie at all, Brian.
Just three episodes, back to back.
This thing is an insult.
Well, that might be overstating things a little.
It's a middle finger to the fans, is what it is.
I tell you, Fox should be - Give you $1 for this.
- Sold.
Brian, where's Rupert? I just left him here to watch my things.
Uh-oh.
- What? - Nothing, I haven't seen him.
It's not like him to wander off.
Rupert? Rupert! Oh, no.
- What if he's been kidnapped? - Well, let's just calm down.
I've got to save him, Brian.
What if he's dead? I don't think I can handle a funeral.
Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most human.
Orders.
Holy crap.
Evel Knievel gloves.
I bet I could do a wheelie with these.
- How much for the gloves? - Peter, those are yours.
$10, $2, $7, $4, $5.
50, $10.
Sold.
Sucker.
I would've gone to $15, easy.
I am so stupid.
Awesome.
Peter, you can't drive a car over that.
You're gonna get hurt.
Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job.
Peter, I don't work at Burger "I don't work at Burger " I'm busy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.
Wow.
This is just like what happened with Matthew Broderick, except no one's dead.
- Hey, Joe.
- Good morning, Peter.
- I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
- What? Why? We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbag, so rape.
Okay, well, I guess you can take my license.
- 'Course, it's all the way up here.
- Peter, knock it off.
Give it to me.
- Right here.
Here you go, Officer.
- Give me the damn license.
Don't you want it? Here.
- This is in poor taste, Peter.
- Having some trouble there? - You're starting to piss me off.
- All you gotta do is take it.
- You're starting to piss me off! - It's right here.
Oh, man, this sucks.
I got no license.
I can't go anywhere.
Well, this is your own fault, Peter, and if you want my opinion, a little time away from the bar will do you some good.
I'll show her.
I'll just go to another bar.
We now return to Cheers.
- Norm.
- Norm.
And Peter.
Yeah.
- How's life in the fast lane, Mr.
Peterson? - Griffin.
I can't find the on-ramp, Woody.
He was talking to me, Norm.
Quit stealing my punch lines, you fat drunk.
That show stopped being funny after Kirstie Alley ate Shelley Long.
Oh, man, now I can't even watch TV.
What the hell am I gonna do all day? That's all right, that's okay.
I don't need TV.
I'll just make my own sitcom in my head.
And I'll give it an upbeat '80s sitcom theme.
This time around I'm staying at home And things are gonna get better Settling in, loving my wife But then I got that letter My black son, my black son Now each day my heart is getting bigger Don't even remember sleeping with that lady, but I did My black son, he's coming to stay My black son, he's making each day The best that he can Also, he's a ninja What the hell's wrong with you? I'm so distraught over losing Rupert I needed something to calm me down.
This is an entire bottle of NyQuil.
I know, and it's doing wonders.
Come here, puss.
Come here.
Come here, puss.
Here, puss.
- What are you doing? - Calling the cat.
We don't have a cat.
That's a throw pillow.
Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian? I'm buying you another Rupert.
Hey, this one's cute, huh? And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild.
And if we don't, they kill one.
Wow, these guys are playing hardball.
You can't just take some Korean-made velveteen primate and call it Rupert.
Now, come on, this is all time we could be using to find Rupert's kidnappers.
Look, I may as well come clean with you.
Rupert wasn't kidnapped.
I accidentally sold him at the yard sale.
You son of a bitch! Come on, Stewie, I'm really sorry.
It was an accident.
Damn you, Brian.
How could you sell Rupert? What you've done is more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone.
Wow, that was great.
One minute I'm filling up at Chevron, and the next I'm having sex with Sharon Stone.
Yeah.
Now comes the best part.
- Get out of the fridge, Peter.
- There is no Peter, only Zuul.
- I said get out of the fridge.
- All right, all right.
Jeez, Lois, I'm just trying to amuse myself, since I don't have a damn driver's license.
Look, Peter, it's getting a little annoying having you around the house all the time.
So you'll be happy to know I got you your own personal driver.
My own driver? Holy crap, that's awesome.
- Where is he? - She's right here, Peter.
- Meg? - Yeah, Dad.
I don't mind driving you around till you get your license back.
What? Lois, this is the best you could do? Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that.
I've already accepted another job.
Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like.
It's all right.
I would've driven you bananas.
Oh, and he makes jokes.
Nice going, Lois.
Dad, are you ready? - What exactly are you trying to do? - It's very simple, Brian.
I've taken DNA from the dollar bill you were paid for Rupert.
Now to check that DNA against the federal database.
We have a match.
"Stanford Cordray, 89 Spooner Street.
" Well, that's only a few blocks away.
Let's go! Hello? Hello? It can't be.
This house is deserted.
He moved.
He's gone.
- Rupert's gone.
- Wait a minute.
Look! The moving truck.
- We're not too late.
- Hey! Hey! Can I help you, gentlemen? Follow that truck.
Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck.
" Oh, I heard you.
What I didn't hear was "please.
" - Please follow the truck.
- Please follow the truck.
I always enjoy traveling companions.
Let's play 20 questions.
Am I Bo Bice? Yes, I am.
Well played, worthy adversary.
We're gaining on him.
I'm coming, Rupert.
- I'm sorry, but I can go no further.
- What? Why not? If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with.
Good luck, brave travelers.
No! We were so close.
I say, what a bit of serendipity.
Now we've got that fellow's address.
Let's see.
"Aspen, Colorado.
" Well, you can forget that.
We're not going all the way to Aspen.
What? But I can't leave Rupert to perish.
For the rest of my life, I'll be as lonely as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, after the rapture.
Damn it, Jerry, why are we the only ones still here? I don't know.
We hated all the right things.
Now there's nothing left to hate.
- I'm gonna hate that rock.
- No, I'm gonna hate that rock.
Let's both hate that rock.
- I hate you.
- I hate you, too.
Look, Stewie.
Don't you think at some point you're going to have to let Rupert go? I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Brian, I'm one.
- Still? - What? Look, I'm not going to Colorado.
I'm turning around and going home.
Fine, then.
I'll go by myself.
See you from the back of my milk carton.
Want that on your conscience, Brian? Try explaining this to Lois.
You'll wind up in a dumpster with a bunch of slow, unadoptable greyhounds.
Don't joke about that.
That's like the holocaust to us.
Yeah, well, when greyhounds start running the New York Times, and the World Bank, I'll be more inclined to believe you.
- Now, are you coming or not? - Fine.
Take to the highway Won't you lend me your name - Who sings that song? - James Taylor.
Yeah, let's keep it that way.
This sucks.
Can you believe I'm stuck with Meg driving me around? Dad, it's just you and me in the car.
Yeah, don't remind me.
It's bad enough I got a suspended license.
I gotta ride around town with Stinky McPoop-Pants.
- I want apple juice.
- Dad, you left your apple juice at home.
I want apple juice! - You wanna watch SpongeBob? - Yes.
With apple juice.
C- A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C- A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song SpongeBob.
Thanks for the ride, Bandit.
Good luck tapping some of that hot, hot Sally Field tail.
Knock it off.
I don't like it any more than you do.
Where the hell are we? Oh, this is history right here, Brian.
Gettysburg.
Billy Yanks.
The 20th Maine.
So many lives lost.
All in pursuit of the ideal that no man should be subjugated because of the color of his skin.
These boys paid the ultimate price here.
For equality.
For humanity.
- You're welcome.
- I'm sorry? I'm just saying, make it worth our while, you know? We wrote a pretty big check for you folks here, so You know, whatever.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Doesn't matter.
Just I just hope you're making the best of what we gave you here.
I would say that given the events that preceded it, the couple hundred years or so, maybe we're about even.
Yeah, no, no.
We gave more.
Hey, Cleveland, who would you rather do? Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hours? Oh, man, that's a tough one.
What did she die of? I've seen some bodies that have been dead for six hours.
Some of them aren't too bad.
Oh, then Halle Berry.
God, will you guys just shut up back there? Gross! Would you stop it? Stop it! Hey, guys, check this out.
- Hey, Meg, don't be such a hothead.
- What? - Hey, Meg, you sure look hot today.
- What? Hey, Meg, I lit your scalp on fire.
Don't worry, I'll put it out.
What the hell is your problem, you dumb bimbo? Oh! Oh, God, stop! Meg, that was awesome.
If we wanna get to Aspen, we're gonna have to get over those mountains somehow.
Excuse me, how much is it to rent a helicopter? It's $10 an hour.
But there's a $100,000 deposit.
Oh, God.
Looks like we're walking.
Wait a minute, it says here you accept cash, check or a jaunty tune.
Well, this rental agreement was drafted back when musicals were culturally relevant.
Unfortunately, that's no longer the case.
Well, I can prove to you that's a whole lot of nonsense.
You may think that song and dance is dated, boring and dry But you might just learn to like it if you give it a try You could laugh and sing and dance as gaily as an elf But just in case you don't believe me Ask the man himself Mr.
Kelly? Will you show us? - I'll show you.
- Let's do it.
Good One, two, three, four One, two, three, four - One, two, three - One, two, three - You see? - It's easy.
Look at me.
I'm dancing.
Okay, you can have the helicopter.
Brian, be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the sky.
- What? - I said, "Be careful 'cause the mountains are the same color as the " - What the hell was that? - I'm practicing my comedy crash.
Well, keep it down 'cause I'm trying to Lmagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
Oh, my God.
Brian, look.
It's Aspen.
We made it.
Well, it looks like you're gonna be reunited with Rupert after all.
And just in time, too.
I can't keep my teeth from chattering.
Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts.
Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack.
Bitch.
Why, you should have seen what our amazing freaking daughter did to that guy, Lois.
She kicked his ass.
It was like what life did to Dana Plato.
Meg, how could you do that? You should call that man and apologize.
Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to her like that.
Meg's as cool as the other side of the pillow.
- Billy Dee Williams.
- Hello, Peter.
Welcome to the cool side of the pillow.
You've had a hard day.
Rest that weary head of yours and drift on off to dreamland.
Works every time.
Well, this is the place.
Looks pretty fancy.
- Can I help you? - Yes, my name's Brian.
Look, to make a long story short, I accidentally sold you a teddy bear back in Rhode Island, and I kind of need it back.
- Rupert! It's Rupert.
- Stanford, who is it? It's nothing, dear.
I'll handle it.
I'm sorry, but that bear belongs to Timmy.
Now, please leave.
- Wait, wait, how about a ski-off? - What? You heard me.
First one down the mountain wins.
- Lf I win, I get Rupert.
- Interesting.
What do I get if I win? - My dog.
- What can he do? If you put peanut butter anywhere on your body, he'll lick it off.
Anywhere.
Well, I did go to Choate.
All right, it's a deal.
You know, Dad, it's been really great hanging out with you.
I know there's probably a million things you'd rather be doing.
Are you kidding, Meg? I've had more fun with you than I did going to see Lost in Translation with Cleveland and Quagmire.
- What do you think he whispered to her? - I'll bet it was just right.
Look, I know sometimes I give you a hard time.
You know, calling you names, reading your diary, farting in your cereal when you go to get milk and then laughing, "She doesn't know she's eating my fart".
But, you know, Meg, I'm starting to realize I got a really wonderful daughter.
Thanks, Dad.
Peter, good news.
Your suspension is up.
You can have your license back.
You mean it? I'm free? No more getting driven around? Sweet.
So, I guess this means you don't need me anymore.
You'll probably go back to treating me like crap, huh? Well, maybe just to keep up appearances in front of the family.
You know, peer pressure and all that.
But from now on, Meg, you and me are secret best friends.
- Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade? - Not me.
What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter.
Hey.
Stewie, do you really think you can beat this guy? Trust me, Brian, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.
Oh, no, if only I had rockets in my skis.
Oh, wait, I totally have rockets in my skis.
And now I just sit back, relax and watch my progress.
- Tea, sir? - Oh, thank you, Crone.
You're so pleasant.
- Would you like to check on the race, sir? - Yes, why not? Well, that's it, I suppose.
Listen, I'm really sorry, Stewie.
I know how much Rupert meant to you.
I don't know, Brian.
Maybe this is a sign that you were right.
Maybe I am getting too old for Rupert.
I guess I've just got to let him go.
Wow, that's very grown-up of you, Stewie.
Hey, dog, let's go.
My dad won you fair and square.
You're not really gonna live with them, are you? No.
- You are not really over Rupert, are you? - No.
- That's what I thought.
- Oh, Crone.
- How are we gonna get out of here? - You still got the starting gun? - Yeah.
- Give it to me.
Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the fucking car right now, man! - Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it! - Oh, my God.
- I'll do whatever you want! - I'll fucking kill you! Get out of the fucking car! Did we just carjack someone? We sure did, Brian.
We sure did.