Family Guy s06e05 Episode Script

Lois Kills Stewie (2)

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, with Channel Five News.
We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy.
- What happened last time, Ollie? - Stewie killed Lois! - Then what? - Peter got blamed! - Then what? - Peter went to court! - Then what? - Lois came back! - How? - Wasn't really dead! Thanks, Ollie.
And now Part Two.
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, Lois, sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alive! You gotta tell me everything that happened.
I mean, not tonight, 'cause I got plans with the guys, but tomorrow night I wanna hear all about it.
Peter, didn't you hear what I said? Stewie tried to kill me! - Mom, Stewie's just a baby.
- No, he's not, Meg! He's evil.
He shot me point-blank right on the deck of the cruise ship.
I would have been dead if it hadn't been for a passing merman who treated my wounds and carried me to safety.
It sounds romantic, I know, but unfortunately he was kind of a reverse of what you'd expect a merman to be.
- I wish to make love to you.
- Oh, no, thank you.
What are you talking about? I thought this was a woman's fantasy.
Yeah, but this is sort of the opposite.
Like, if you had a man's body and fish legs, then it'd be different.
- Yeah, but then I wouldn't have a penis.
- Well, but See, there you go.
I just poked a huge hole in your logic.
I'm sorry, I'm I'm just gonna have to say no.
Maybe I feel like you owe me a little.
Ah! Damn it! Unfortunately, I was suffering from total amnesia and had no idea who I was.
After wandering around for a while, I discovered I was in North Carolina, where I managed to get a job at a summer camp for fat kids.
It was my job to keep the children from eating each other.
Hey! Hey! No.
No, no, no.
Spit him out! Jeffrey! Spit him out now! And Mike, you spit out Timmy! Over the next several months, I developed a relationship with a seemingly nice, young townie, named Derek.
Eventually, he got comfortable enough with me to introduce me to his friends.
That's how I found out he was a white supremacist.
Okay, first order of business, I'd like to thank Paul and Tracy, who have agreed to bring cookies for next week's punch social.
Just remember, you two, Fred is allergic to peanuts.
Peanuts and Jews.
No, but Jews are bad.
You know, it's remarks like that that started the Holocaust, and I know none of us want that to happen again.
And after that blow to the head, it all started coming back to me.
So I rushed back to Quahog, and here I am.
So what you're saying is we've got a homicidal baby on our hands.
Mom! Dad! Stewie's gone! Don't worry, Lois, we'll catch him.
Hobey, radio for backup.
Uh - Hello? This is dispatch, go ahead.
Uh We need more cars 'cause we're trying to find All right, we'll do it on the way! We'll do it on the way! Sorry to bother you, but we have a fugitive baby on our hands.
Have you seen this child? No, I haven't, Officer, but I sure will keep my eyes open.
What is it? That killer baby from the trial's gone missing.
- Oh, no! - I know! Uh-oh.
The police.
Looks like I got some explaining to do.
No, but how could I help you, Officer? We're looking for this baby.
Have you seen him? I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop.
Have you seen him? No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.
- Mr.
Superman no here.
- Well, we're looking for a missing No, Mr.
Superman, he no is here.
Yeah, okay.
Well, can you just give him this flier? I No.
No, I have no money.
Just take this flier, and if you see this baby No, no.
Boy, I sure hope they find him.
Otherwise, we're all gonna be So it's all out in the open now, isn't it? Stewie, how long you been all messed up and evil like this? So now you're interested in Stewie? Last week, when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn! - That was an owl? - Yes.
And now we're going to look at it again.
- Look, look! Do you like it? - Yes! - What do you like about it, specifically? - I don't know.
Pick something, or I'll blow your brains out! - I like how it looks like an owl.
- Thank you for the compliment! Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.
Dog, answer it.
Tell him, "Yes, everything's fine.
" Yes, Joe, everything's fine.
- Okay, good.
- Make fun of his wheelchair.
- What? - What? Do it.
Say, "Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair.
" Ha-ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair.
What's that supposed to mean? - Say, "I bet you can't get a boner.
" - I bet you can't get a boner.
That's not very nice, Brian.
- "Neither is your mother's ass.
" - Neither is your mother's ass.
Well, I'll give you that one.
Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome.
I've always thought you were handsome.
Well, I got to tell you, Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that.
Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie.
Tell him, " Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
" - Come on.
- Do it! Come on, that meant a lot to him.
Ha-ha-ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
Well, that's disappointing.
I needed that boost today.
All right, I'll see you later.
All right, Lois, I'm hungry.
Take those breasts out.
Wait a minute.
You could've drugged this.
- Well, I'm no fool.
Brian, taste this.
- What? - Go on, taste it! You're the guinea pig.
- Lois, he's got a gun.
- Look, I'll do it myself.
How about that? - I don't know, he kind of asked me.
I mean, I think we should do what he says.
Well, yeah, but, Brian I'm totally willing to do this for the family.
- I'm not sure - I'll do it.
Hey, Griffins, just checking in.
- Oh, my God! - Holy crap! Stewie, you killed him! He's dead! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? - Oh, poor Cleveland.
- It's all right, Lois, he's in Heaven now.
I don't understand why I need to give you a credit card imprint.
It's kind of a new policy.
I didn't see you ask the guy in front of me.
It's kind of brand new.
Do you have a credit card? - I got a Sears card.
- They're doing pretty well, huh? One by my house got a McDonald's right in the store.
It won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance.
Black man gone missing, my God, the media will be all over that! All right, if I see any cops following me, the dog gets it! Get in.
Come on, drive, drive, drive! There's Joe.
Say, "Joe, I think you're cool.
" - Joe, I think you're cool.
- Well, thank you, Brian.
That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work.
- "No, just kidding, you suck.
" - No, just kidding, you suck.
- "Queer.
" - Queer.
Well, there goes my smile.
You know, you're not gonna get away with this.
Kidnapping me is one thing, but you killed Cleveland! You forget, I'm the one holding the gun, Brian.
And you're gonna do exactly as I say.
You mind if I ask where we're going? You'll know soon enough, Brian.
The world will know soon enough.
I'll be as big as I should have been when I was on American Idol.
I don't mind not knowing What I'm headed for You can take me to the skies It's like being lost in heaven When I'm lost in your eyes Stewie, what the hell was that? That was Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson.
- One of the worst I've ever heard.
- Okay.
Stewie, you shouldn't actually even be alive, you sniveling little creep.
I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.
- All right.
- Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.
Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you, for me, man, that was not even half good, dude.
You can't sing.
What are you doing, Stewie? I don't even care.
They don't know what they's talking about.
Next time they hear about me, they's gonna be, like, "We was wrong about Stewie.
" 'Cause I's gonna be huge.
I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls.
Hey.
Hey, you know what we should do, guys, - while we're here tied up like this? - What? We should come up with a totally bogus rumor about a celebrity.
And then when we get out of here, we'll spread it around as much as we can.
- That sounds like fun! - Actually, that does sound like fun.
- What'd you have in mind? - Okay, okay, how about this? Hey, did you guys hear about Rob Schneider? Somebody told me he goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him while he masturbates in the shower.
I could buy that.
That sounds like something he'd do.
Well, I think that's awful that Rob Schneider does that.
Yeah, isn't that a disgusting, absolute fact? Yeah! We're starting a rumor! - Wait a minute.
Chris, are you clapping? - Yeah! - So your hands are free.
- Yeah! - Stewie didn't tie up your hands.
- No, he must have forgot.
You've realized, we've been sitting here for 14 hours.
Well, get pissy if you want, Mom.
I've enjoyed the time we've had as a family.
- What is it? What did you do? - You almost shot me, you son of a bitch! That's because you yelled! No, you shot the gun first.
That's why I yelled! "That's why I yelled.
" I'm watching you, buddy.
There's gotta be some clue in here that'll tell us where Stewie might have gone.
- Wow! Look at all this cool stuff! - Man, what do you think these things do? Guess it doesn't do anything.
Well, that seems odd.
- Oh, my God, Peter! You're me! - Holy crap! Sweet! Squeeze, squeeze.
What does this do? Admiral, there be whales here! All right, pull in here.
The CIA.
What the hell are we doing here? You'll need CIA credentials, Brian.
What do you want your alias to be? What are you talking about? I'm not gonna - Pick a name for yourself! - Willem Dafoe.
Not that one.
I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.
Hey, you asleep yet? - No.
- Just checking.
What exactly are you looking for? According to my schematics, it should be right in here.
Well, this isn't quite right, is it? Hello, gentlemen.
Great day to be protecting freedom, wouldn't you say? Yeah, US of freakin' A.
We're number one.
- Space shuttle and all that.
- Terrific.
- Hello, Smith.
How are you today? - Fine, sir.
What's new? Do you know what I heard this morning? Apparently, Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot And pays the migrant workers to come home and choke him while he masturbates in the shower.
- Yeah, he's been doing that for years.
- Sick bastard.
This is it, Brian.
My plan for world domination is about to come to fruition.
Stewie, for God's sake, they know we're here.
What are you trying to do? Once I locate the proper code sequence, this terminal will allow me to take command of the satellites which control the world's power grid.
Once they're under my control, the entire world will be subject to my whims.
Go away, you paperclip! No one likes you! Open up in there, or we're breaking down the door! - I love you, Katie.
- I love you, too, Tom.
Oh, my God! I'm free! The force field is down! Go! Now! - I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
- What? It's Stan.
Sorry, you look sort of like someone from Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you.
I now control the entire planet's power grid, and unless you want me to send you all back to the Dark Ages, you'll do exactly as I say.
What are your demands? We interrupt this program to bring you a special message from the new president of the world.
Greetings, loyal minions.
- Stewie? - Oh, my God! What the hell! Good gravy! Señor Rob Schneider, you must come see the news! I'm not paying you guys to watch TV.
Now get in the damn shower! Brian, come here.
I want you to hear my presidential address for St.
Rupert's Day.
I'm unveiling all the new laws I have passed.
Screw off.
I don't want anything to do with you or your damn laws.
Just take a look, will you? You're banning straight-to-video Disney films? Absolutely.
I mean, look at this.
Jafar May Need Glasses.
Number one, number two.
Number one, number two.
About the same.
Number one might be a tiny bit better.
- Number three, number four.
- Number three.
Five and six.
Five and six.
About the same? Yeah, they're pretty much Can I see five one more time? - Five and six.
- Yeah, they're about the same.
Greetings, unwashed masses.
The following laws will go into effect immediately.
Henceforth, sexual intercourse is illegal.
It is gross and disgusting and punishable by death.
Origami keeps my hands busy and my mind off sex.
There we go.
I made a swan.
Stewie's a good leader.
I wonder how many of these swans I can fit in my bum.
In addition, from this day forward, all the nation's milk must come from Hilary Swank's breasts.
Hey, I don't give a damn what you want.
Just get the hell off of my property! Look, Hilary, all I know is, it's breakfast time, I've got this bowl of cornflakes, and I gotta be at work at 9:00.
- So what are we gonna do here? - Not so fast.
Did you know you'd have to eat 17 bowls of those cornflakes to get the same nutritional value in one bowl of Total? Say, that's a lot easier than eating 17 bowls! - And it's easier on my breasts! - Everybody wins! Hilary Swank Get your milk from her - Yeah! - Yeah! Also, as I've had quite enough of the fat man, anyone who sees Peter Griffin must throw apples at him.
Yeah, I'd like to make a deposit.
What the hell? It's the law, sir.
Now, I have no doubt that perhaps there may exist some mild discontent amongst some of you at the recent changes I have implemented.
Lest you be considering any sort of uprising, I warn you, I am quite prepared to make an example of any undesirable elements.
And don't think I don't know who you are.
As someday it may happen That a victim must be found I've got a little list I've got a little list Of society offenders Who might well be underground And who never would be missed Who never would be missed There's the white kid With the baggy clothes Who's talking like he's black The girl you date who doesn't get The jokes in Caddyshack The Asian guy who cuts in front Of every single line And Britney Spears For accidentally showing her vagine And Bill O'Reilly's Ineffective dermatologist They'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed There's the guy behind the news reporter Waving like a fool And senator Bill Frist I've got him on the list And the fat kid smiling warmly While he's peeing in the pool He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the foul-smelling boy Who comes to school in camouflage And every bleeding member Of the cast ofEntourage And while we're on the subject HBO deserves a whack For ending The Sopranos With a fucking cut to black And guys who when you shake their hand Just bump you with their fist I don't think they'd be missed I'm sure they'd not be missed He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed There's the guy who sits beside you And keeps farting on the plane And Shakira 's lyricist I've got him on the list And the smarty on Thanksgiving Who says it's the tryptophane He never would be missed He never would be missed There's the blonde who tells you loudly With a voice just like a knife '"You know, someone should do a sitcom Based around my life'" The guy who watchedThe Simpsons Back in 1994 And won't admit the damn thing Isn't funny anymore And anyone and everyone Who's ever made me pissed! Made me pissed Made me really, really pissed I've got them on the list They'd none of them be missed! He's got them on the list He's got them on the list And they'd none of them be missed They'd none of them be missed None of them be missed That is enough! Peter, I am not gonna stand by while other people suffer at the hands of my own baby.
I brought Stewie into this world.
It's time for me to take him out.
How the hell are you gonna do Sorry, Dad! That's okay, Chris.
You're a good boy following the law.
But you, Meg, you're going to jail.
All right, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie.
Dinner's in the oven.
All you have to do is turn it to 350 at about 5:15.
- Yeah, okay, Lois.
- Are you listening? - Yeah.
- What did I just say? Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15.
I heard it! All right, sir, your presidential portrait is finished.
Let me see.
Excellent.
Much better than the one Gary Larson did.
Why would I even be talking to a chicken? Lois! Stewie, your reign of terror has come to an end.
I will not stand by while you make innocent people suffer.
Bring it on, bitch.
Time for me to finish what I started anyway.
Go ahead, Lois, do it.
Shoot me.
Shoot your little baby Stewie.
I can't do it.
You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you.
Well, that works out perfectly, because I can hurt you.
Say hi to Cleveland for me.
Oh, and Mr.
Weed.
It's just been revoked.
Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line.
It doesn't really work here.
I'll have what she's having.
That's better.
Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise.
What are you doing? Oh, hello, Brian.
Well, you recall my complaining about Lois - and the fat man not taking me with them? - Yeah.
Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
- Yeah? How'd that go? - Not well, Brian.
Not well.
I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world.
Yet.
So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen or even matter.
- Yes, that's correct.
- So it was sort of like a dream.
No, it was a simulation.
Yes, but theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened I mean, you don't think that would be just like a giant middle finger to them? Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
I don't know, man.
I think you piss a lot of people off that way.
Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid