Family Guy s06e06 Episode Script

Padre de Familia

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy - Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live from the 35th annual Quahog Veteran's Day celebration.
Yes, it was 35 years ago today that James Veteran stood up to City Hall and said, "I demand a parade in my name.
" And after a heated bidding war with Edward Memorial and Reginald Aprilfools, he got his wish.
And here comes the parade! First up, a float from the Veterans of Future Wars.
And here comes whackadoo film director, Oliver Stone.
Oliver's here promoting his new movie, Born on the Fifth of July, which he promises will be even July-ier than the original.
A dangerously insane human being.
And here comes the next float, honoring uninjured veterans.
- Yeah! - We rock! Our wives stayed with us.
- Think fast! - We did! Mom, how come when we see these guys on the street corner you tell me not to stare at them, and today that's all we're doing? Because, Chris, as Americans, we owe our lives to these veterans.
Hey, look, Lois, "The John McCain Experience.
" I wanna be President! Brian, I can't see.
I'm gonna try and get a little closer.
Um You shouldn't be Um You need to Um Uh Hold on.
Um Hello? Yeah, I'm telling him.
What is that? And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free And I won't forget the men who died who gave that right to me And I'll gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land God bless the USA Oh, my God! That was beautiful! I am proud to be an American, and I am going to love my country like never before.
Anybody wanna see my Purple Heart? - We now return to - The Broken Condom.
- Hey, Lois, ready to go to dinner? - Yeah, sure.
Just let me grab my purse.
Okay, ready.
Ooh! On second thought, I got something I gotta do back on Krypton.
I thought Krypton was destroyed.
I think we should see other people.
Good morning, my American family.
Peter, where did you get that suit? My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp.
This is how a patriot dresses, Lois.
Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country.
It's like loving God or a step-parent.
You never really feel them love you back, but that's okay because they got other stuff going on, and you understand.
Peter, you do realize there's a difference between loving America and being swept up in post-9/11 paranoia.
Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything? What? No, I was just Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian.
9/11 changed everything.
Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.
That's not true, Brian.
I remember 9/11.
Must have been a woman pilot, huh? Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, I am doing my duty as a patriotic American.
I'm sacrificing a goat to Toby Keith.
Peter, Toby Keith doesn't want to be fed.
Toby Keith wants to hunt.
Hey, listen, don't tell me what Toby Keith wants.
I think I'm perfectly capable You're all doing such a great job, I wanted to play you a song I wrote about what America means to me.
When you say USA I just say hooray And if you're not from here God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS USA! Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot.
You bet I am.
I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my balls tattooed to look like launch exhaust.
That bastard! That was my idea! He stole it! I was gonna do that to my penis! Oh, well, maybe I can do something else.
Like, like, like the Space Needle.
Or a banana.
Or a Sharpie.
I'm boring myself.
Guess I'll listen to some music.
'Cause I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night Man, that really makes me mad.
Illegal immigrants coming into this country, taking all the good jobs away from Americans.
Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on.
We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno.
I own four apartment buildings.
Mmm I have central air.
Ohhh! And a well-funded 401k.
Ahhh! We are gonna have sex at some point! All right, guys, it's gonna be a long night of border patrol, so I brought along Michael McDonald to help us out.
How's he gonna help us? He's gonna do back-up vocals for everything we say.
How's he gonna know what we're saying? How's he gonna know what we're saying? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Is he gonna do it for all of us? Yeah, I hired him for the night.
It costs, like, $2.
50 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation.
so don't skimp on the conversation That sounds nice.
Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested? Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security.
He was an 85-year-old Korean Buddhist.
Or was he a supreme leader of Al Qaeda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Peter, America was founded by immigrants.
Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant.
They're a vital part of our society.
They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor.
Take him away.
Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? - He won't go to sleep without it.
- I threw it away.
What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff! - And where's my goat? - Peter, why would you do that? Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children.
So, I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.
- I got you now, mouse.
- Yeah? Well, up your ass, cat.
Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run fast! Run fast! Quickly! - Hey, Fuad, can I buy you a cup of coffee? - Yes! Is funny because is free! - Anyone can have! - That's right.
- That's the joke.
- Oh, yes.
Why, you son of a bitch.
- Angela, I have a complaint.
- What is it, Griffin? I think Fuad is an illegal immigrant, and I cannot stand by while he steals wages and opportunities from citizens.
I mean, this is an American company.
You don't see Nike or Microsoft or General Motors or Ford or Boeing or Coca-Cola or Kellogg's profiting from non-American labor.
Is funny because they all do! You have a point, Griffin.
Maybe we should run a company-wide check to make sure all our personnel are legal citizens.
Now you're talking, Angela.
This country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig needs a new house.
I wouldn't do that, if I were you.
- What? - I said, I wouldn't do that.
I said knock it off! - Why? - Because I just made stool in there, and if you blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink.
Do you understand? Do you understand me, sir? - Peter, what brings you here? - Hi, Mom.
Hey, there's a new policy at work where everyone has to prove they're an American, and I need my birth certificate.
Oh, dear.
Peter, sit down.
I don't know how to tell you this, but you weren't born in America.
- You were born in Mexico.
- What? When I found out that your real father was a drunken Irishman, I went to Mexico to terminate my pregnancy.
But God had other plans, and you were born right there.
You were so beautiful, and I loved you, but when I got back home, I was so afraid of being judged by the community that I never filled out the paperwork to make you a citizen.
Mom, what are you saying? Peter, as far as the US government is concerned, - you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.
- Holy crap! Looks like I've got myself in a bind! How will I get out of this one? Stick around 'Cause we've got Cleveland and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort And all your cartoon pals - Peter, how come you're not at work? - I got fired for being an illegal immigrant.
Oh, dear.
You know, Peter, you can always take a citizenship test.
I mean, if Wilmer Valderrama passed, it can't be that difficult.
Well, by that logic, Lois, it can't be that difficult to nail Lindsay Lohan.
I don't think it is.
Oh! Well, good news there.
All right, you wanna head down to the INS? So, give me the good news.
Did I pass? I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you, Señor Griffin.
So far, you've failed everything, including the " Behaving Like an American at the Airport" test.
No, it wasn't bad.
Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now.
Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch.
Oh, a Sbarro! I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.
The only thing remaining is the oral test, which I will administer here.
Now, question number one.
Who discovered America? - Dick York? - No.
Dick Sargent.
It was Dick Sargent.
Question number two.
Complete this sentence.
"The land of the free and the home of the blank.
" - Home of the Whopper? - You've got to be kidding me.
Mr.
Griffin, if you were truly an American, you would know our national anthem.
Now, wait a minute! He is too an American.
- We've been married for almost 20 years! - Well, we hear that one a lot around here.
Course there's a very easy way of detecting fraud.
Mr.
Griffin, what is your wife's birthday? Uh Give me another one.
Give me another one.
- Where is your wife's hometown? - One more, one more.
What is your wife's favorite outdoor activity? Uh - Things an overcoat would say.
- I'm covered with water.
Things an umbrella would say.
- You wear me.
- Things a festive bow tie would say.
You wear me to keep you dry.
- Things Speed Stick would say.
- I keep your head dry.
- I said umbrella.
- It's not umbrella.
Peter, what if I said, " I keep your head dry, you wear me in the bathroom"? - Shower cap.
- There you go.
- Oh, man.
- Did you have fun? - I had fun.
Yeah.
- All right, we'll be back after this.
Peter, what are you gonna do about a job? We can't just keep eating into our savings.
I'll just have to find a job for an illegal immigrant.
I can't believe this is happening to our family.
It's taken us all by surprise, Meg.
Like that realistic original ending to Dirty Dancing.
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
I do, because I'm her father, and she's 16.
What are you, like 38? Forty-one.
"Hotel maid wanted.
" Sweet.
I could do that.
Housekeeping.
- Housekeeping.
- Come back later, please.
- Housekeeping? - Not now! - Housekeeping.
- Go away.
- I come in anyway? - No! Go away! I come in anyway.
- Oh, my God! - I said no! - Okay, I clean? - No! Get out of here! - I clean now? - No! - I stay and watch? - No! - I get involved? - What? I get involved with lady? - What do you think? - Turn around.
- I don't think so.
- Okay.
- You lend me money? - No.
You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment? - No! No, I'm not doing that.
- I stick finger in your mouth? Housekeeping? - Okay.
- Okay.
"Nanny wanted.
" Well, that sounds like a good job for an immigrant.
Michael, did you hear the good news? We're getting a new nanny.
Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited.
Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed? Oh, I do hope so.
I've always imagined the most beautiful Damn it! Oh, Peter, you look exhausted! I am, Lois.
Life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal.
Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo, I only made 25 bucks.
Now, look, don't get upset, but I've been so worried about you - that I asked someone for help.
- Who? - Hello, fat ass.
- Lois, immigrants don't take handouts.
They just take one DVD a month from the house they're cleaning until they have a respectable collection.
It's not a handout, it's a job.
Daddy employs lots of immigrants, and he said you could work at the mansion.
Really? Well, thanks a lot, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
I promise I won't let you down.
Well, they all do eventually.
Except for Noriega.
God bless him and his drug money.
I wish he were here today.
Hi, Mr.
Pewterschmidt! Oh, look who it is! Come here so I can give you a hug! Come here so I can give you a hug! - There they are.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Grandma! - Grandma! - I missed you.
- So has the morgue.
- The morgue, Paul, 'cause she's old! - That's right, yeah, the morgue! Peter, I'm using you as a house immigrant, so take my family's luggage to their rooms, and then go get settled down at the servants' quarters.
Right away, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, sir.
Daddy, we don't want any special treatment.
We're here as a family, and we're going to live as a family.
Are you serious? We come to a mansion, and you want to live with the help? That's like going to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.
Is there anyone here who hasn't had a c-section? Oh, no.
That boy's ball fell out of the cup.
Oh, but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.
You must be the Griffins.
I am Gerardo, the head groundskeeper.
You must be exhausted.
Come, come.
Let's get you to your new home.
- Hey, Señorita! - You got nice bread dough legs! I got a blank prescription pad! See, this isn't so bad.
Not so bad? We're sharing a tool shed with seven other families.
They're making the best of it.
Good morning, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
It's 8:00, and I'm ready for work.
Good.
Have a seat.
- Drink that.
- What is it? My blood.
I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it.
- Isn't that dangerous? - I don't know.
Probably.
- I don't wanna.
- You work for me.
Now, drink it.
- No! - Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired.
I can't believe you really did that.
That's nasty.
You're nasty.
My VCR's still broken.
Did you remember to watch Survivor? - Yes, sir.
- All right, I wanna see it.
Previously on Survivor, Grace won immunity after lying to Kyle - about a stomach virus.
- I've seen this.
Fast forward.
Credits, commercials, Ford, Subway, Doritos, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Orbit gum.
Hang on, go back.
I want to see that Pirates trailer.
In a world where pirates are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Pirates of the Caribbean 4.
Peter, how was your first day? Horrible! I never worked so hard in my life.
How the hell do you guys do this every day? - Immigrant life sucks.
- But, Peter, life in America is wonderful.
That is why we risk everything to come here.
I don't know, Cheech.
It seems like a lot of work for no respect.
Peter, America is the land of opportunity.
There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy series, including That '70s Show, and But let me ask you something.
Don't you miss your home? Of course.
We come to America for financial opportunities, Peter, but, someday, we will return to Mexico because our heritage is rich and glorious.
Wait, wait, hang on a second.
Are you saying there's more to being Mexican than working hard and lusting after big asses? There is, Peter.
In fact, we are preparing our Cinco de Mayo celebration.
As a Mexican, you must experience it with us.
Well, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Cinco de Mayo is as Mexican as it gets.
Wow, this is awesome! And later, I'm gonna go lift free weights in a parking lot! Oh, Peter, I'm so proud that you've embraced these people as your own.
You've come a long way from hating foreigners.
Well, Lois, life can surprise you if you open your mind a little.
For example, I used to hate the Japanese, but then I saw Lou Diamond Phillips in Young Guns, and now I don't hate them anymore.
Peter, I don't think that Lou Diamond Phillips is Japanese.
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
Hey, what do you say we get some of them burritos? Oh, muñequita, I would love to feel your mustache on my mustache.
Really? Well, there's a lot more body hair where that came from.
Oh, well, then no thank you.
Wow, these DVD's are only 99 cents apiece.
Hey, look at some of these Spanish translations of the movie titles.
Here's The 40-Year-old Virgin, and in Spanish, it's called The No-Sex Man Comes to Town.
And here's Airplane! and in Spanish, it's called Incredible Flying Joke Bus.
Here's Cheaper by the Dozen, and in Spanish, it's called Small Family.
What the hell is going on here? Why aren't you people working? It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
Would you like to watch My Friend Who Sticks His Penis in a Pie? Look, I don't care what day it is in Mexico, in America we work on weekdays.
Now, do your jobs or I'll deport your lazy asses back to the third world.
Wait a minute, hang on, everybody.
What he just said does not represent the America that I know and love.
This country used to welcome our kind with open arms, but men like Carter Pewterschmidt use us for cheap labor, and then try to punish us when we demand to be treated like human beings.
Well, no more! Lmmigrants built this country, and I say it's time for us to take it back! Who's with me? Could you say whole speech again in Spanish? We now return to Gregory Peck Has Been in That Stall for Over 45 Minutes Now.
Crimony.
Ahhh! Finally, now I feel well enough to visit my grandchildren.
What the hell is that? Get out of the way, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, we are here to take what's ours.
Well, I mean, technically it's yours, but we don't feel like you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it anyway.
But, Peter, why would you want to harm a fellow American citizen? - What? - All I have to do is make one call to a friend of mine in Washington, and he can push your paperwork through.
You'll officially be an American citizen.
Not good enough, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
I want citizenship for everyone here.
Peter, you do not have to do this.
Yes I do, Gerardo.
This great land should be everything to you that it is to me.
A land where a man is paid a wage he can live on.
A land where we flush every time.
A land where 17 miles is not walking distance.
A land where meals are not purchased from a truck - and then eaten in a different truck.
- All right, all right, you make your point.
- It's getting a little offensive.
- That's my only offer.
Take it or leave it.
Peter, you must go.
We will find our own way.
I'll never forget you, Gerardo.
Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo, but I'm glad I'm finally an American again.
Being an immigrant is a real pain in the ass.
I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.
Yeah, you know, so did I.
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
Well, I guess everything's back to normal Oh, man, not this guy again.
Oh, man, not this guy again Fart!