Family Guy s06e08 Episode Script


It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy - Mom, where's Dad? - Over across the street.
He's collecting Cleveland's mail while he's out of town.
Black guy mail! Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it.
Lois, black people are different than you and I.
And me, I find that hilarious.
Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines.
Grape Soda Today, Orange Soda Quarterly, The Fruit Punch Reader.
Hey, what you got there, Stewie? Ooh! Mustache Aficionado.
Wow, look at these men! What class.
What grace.
And all because of a little upper-lip hair.
Lois, I am gonna grow a mustache.
Then I'll have it made, like the Monopoly guy.
Except when he goes directly to jail.
I wish I could tell you that the Monopoly guy fought the good fight, and the sisters let him be.
I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no fairytale world.
Hey, Rupert, what if the refrigerator was a monster that talked like this? I am a monster.
I am going to bite your fingers.
Here I come.
I'm going to get you.
Ah! I don't want to play anymore.
Normal voice, normal voice.
The refrigerator can't hurt me.
Okay? Oh, my God, Dad! What's on your face? Meg, it goes by many names.
Soup Strainer, Lip Whiskers, and, until recently, Giant Horse Vagina, but I prefer the term mustache.
Oh! I think it's sexy.
- I think it's gay.
- It's not gay, Brian.
If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay.
He was not.
He had a mustache, which is practically like a wedding ring.
I imagine you're gonna be much more of a stern father now that you have a mustache.
Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting than there's been, and I might answer most of your questions with a story, but mostly, my mustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open, and that I listen to the Little River Band with giant headphones.
Ew! That's the ugliest thing the fat man's grown since that horse leg.
Hey, Peter, have you seen my Ah! Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying? Do not stand behind me.
Because I will get scared.
And now back to One Tree Hill.
Dude, let me tell you something.
There is nothing that'll ever happen in the rest of our lives that's as important as what's going on right here, right now, in high school, by these lockers.
I've got so many problems.
Nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake.
High school is such a serious thing These problems matter God, these high school students are lame.
I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are.
What the hell do you know about high school? Are you kidding? These kids today are so easy to manipulate.
If you plopped me in the middle of a high school, I could be the most popular kid there in a week.
Really? Would you care to place a wager on that? Absolutely.
What are the stakes? Okay, if I win, and you can't do it, you have to put your nose in Meg's hat and take an eight-second inhale.
Okay, and if I win, you have to go online and download that footage of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, and you have to forward it to all your friends with the message, "Oh, my God, look what I just found online! "Isn't this the funniest thing you've ever seen?" - So, is it a bet? - Yeah, fine.
- Kiss on it? Oh! - What? Wow, Dad, you're up early.
Yep, it's a mustache kind of morning, Chris.
I watched the sun rise in my jeans, jean shirt and jean jacket.
Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool.
You betcha, son.
I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast, and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity.
- Would you like that? - Would I? Wow, that's a way better present than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas.
Dad, all it's done is run on that wheel for the past three weeks.
Yeah, looks like it's in pretty good shape.
- Can I pick it up? - I wouldn't.
Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here, and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right.
Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good.
- Can we get some salami and - Brian, Brian, let me handle this.
- Peter, what are you doing? - Speaking Italian.
Peter, you can't speak Italian just because you have a mustache.
Hi there.
Is this the Quahog Mustache Society? Yes, it is.
What's the secret password? - Mustache.
- All right.
Come on in.
Good afternoon, mustache wearers.
Don't forget to help yourself to the buffet.
There's spaghetti and meatballs, powdered donuts and bubblegum.
- Point of mustache.
- The chair recognizes your mustache.
Have we discussed what to send Wilford Brimley next month, as it is the 70th birthday of his mustache? Oh, I think we just send a nice card.
Just make sure it has a mustache on it.
- Point of mustache.
- The chair recognizes your mustache.
What can we, as citizens, do about mustache awareness? Good mustache question.
We have a new product in our mustache catalog that makes a great stocking stuffer.
We call it the Must-Stash.
The slogan is, " You must stash your Must-Stash in the mustache.
" That'll be all for today.
- Good mustache.
- Good mustache.
All right, dog, here we go.
Prepare to lose a bet, 'cause I'm about to become the most popular boy in school.
Excuse me, pardon me, are you the cool children? - Yeah.
Who are you? - My name is Zac Sawyer.
I just transferred here from Rich Expensive Car-Driving Sex-Having High School.
- Whoa! That sounds awesome.
- No, it's lame.
Everything's lame.
Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in.
I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.
- Wow! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, you're so cool! - You're so awesome! You've checkmated my teenage cynicism! Excellent.
I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice clean rap.
Whoo! Ha! Ha! I respect women when I'm on a date I take them to the park or maybe a museum And I only try to kiss them if they're ready Whoo-hoo! What, what, what, what I say what, what Help out your mom and dad by getting a job So you can help pay for school supplies Whoo-hoo! Say ho! Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house Someone just cleaned that floor Whoo-hoo! Say what, what! Ha! Ha! Peter, don't you think you're kind of letting that mustache consume your personality? Shut up, Brian.
I am part of a very special community now.
People with mustaches look out for each other.
Oh, hey! - Hey! - Hey.
Jeffrey, - Peter Griffin has a mustache! - No way! - Way! - Ohhh! I know! Oh, my God, Peter, look! McBurgertown is on fire! It's out of control! We need someone to man the other hose! Hey, that guy has a mustache! Grab him! We need your help! Take this hose! Uh Okay, you just want me to spray the water at the fire and try to put it out? He knows everything about what we do.
Of course he does.
Look at that giant horse vagina.
Help! Oh, my God! There's somebody trapped inside! Wait.
If I go in there, I could get hurt.
No, with great mustache comes great responsibility.
My mustache! No! God bless you, sir, you saved my life.
But at what cost? At what cost? - Peter, have you seen Brian? - No, Lois, I have not.
Well, I haven't seen him since this morning, and I What is that on your head? It's a mustache, Lois! What, you never seen a mustache before? Lois, would you mind calling the police or something? Quiet, mustache! Oh, my God! Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing, but get a grip on yourself.
Let Brian down.
I'm not living my life without a mustache.
Even if sometimes my mustache has Alpo gas.
Mustache fart.
Hello, I'm looking for Peter Griffin.
- I'm Peter Griffin.
- Mr.
Griffin, my name is Todd Meyers.
I'm the man you rescued from McBurgertown.
Oh, yeah, you're the guy who cost me my mustache.
What, did you come over here to rape my daughter? No, I own the restaurant.
And to show my gratitude, I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of McBurgertown burgers.
Free burgers? Oh, man, this is a way better offer than the one I got from Helen Hunt.
- You wanna have sex? - No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Peter, you should really slow down.
You've already had, like, 30 hamburgers.
Shut up, Brian.
It relieves the pain of mustachelessness.
And it's working.
I no longer feel the pain.
Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything on the left half of my body.
Really? That doesn't sound good.
Peter, are you winking at me? Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance! Doctor, what happened? Is he gonna be okay? Mrs.
Griffin, your husband has had a stroke.
The left half of his body is completely paralyzed.
Oh, my God! Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel? Uh Had better days, Lois.
Had better days.
Mom, it's been three months.
When is Dad gonna get better? Chris, I've already explained this to you.
Your father had a stroke, and it may take him a long time to recover.
Lois! Bring me another beer, please! Uh Lois.
You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing? - I'm handing you a beer.
- You are handing it to my stroke arm.
This is my good arm.
Bring the beer over here! That's better! So, I'm shaving last night at this make-out party.
I took a bunch of pictures.
You can see them on my MySpace page, along with my favorite songs and movies, and things that other people have created, but that I use to express my individualism.
I have a MySpace page, too.
Yeah, I have mine ironically.
Hey, why don't you guys get lost? I have to talk to Connie.
- Hey, guess what? - What? That's what.
No, but seriously, there's something I want to talk to you about.
Sure, Zac.
Anything for you.
You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend, see what all the buzz is about? OMG, that'd be so awesome! Sweet.
We're gonna have a real raging time.
Before you know it, we'll be like an old married couple.
- Uh, Lois? - Yeah? Uh, Peter's getting in the car.
Uh oh, overflow, population common group, but it'll do Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs Listen to your heart bleed Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight Bright light, feeling pretty psyched It's the end of the world as we know it Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stop mocking me! Well, Brian, you've lost your bet.
I, or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one.
I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now.
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm enjoying myself too much.
Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point? Ah! I've heard about that place.
Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.
Well, I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there," but then you fold in the side-view mirrors and sure enough, "Well, look at that.
" Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.
I hate being all strokey.
This is all your fault, McBurgertown.
You and your delicious hamburgers.
I swear, I'll get back at you someday for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy! I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
If only there was some way I could be like everybody else again.
- How long was I in there? - About five minutes.
Why are we not funding this? Sweetheart, that's incredible! And it only took five minutes? Five minutes.
I went in there, they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap, and bam! Good old gambling man Peter.
And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown! - Wait.
What? - It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian.
And I'm gonna sue them for it.
Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers.
It was your own fault.
Yeah, besides, Peter, those companies have huge legal divisions.
- You can't fight that.
- I'll find a way, with the help of my snarky cat lawyer, Meowsy McDermott.
You've gotta be kitten me! Ha! This court finds in favor of the defendant, McBurgertown Industries.
What? Hey, come on, that's not fair! Mr.
Griffin, what did you expect? They have 100 lawyers, and you tried to bribe me with a subscription to Grape Soda Today, which I already have! Case dismissed.
What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on a multinational fast food conglomerate.
Oh, yes, I can.
This ain't over, Brian.
Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world.
How do you expect to do that? Are you kidding? I've tackled tougher jobs before.
Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point? - Okay, religion.
- Religion! You kill me, I kill you, we both go to Heaven! Seventy-two virgins! You might have to help me out with the last 10 or so.
Because Mr.
Happy gets tired.
Religion! Uh - Politics.
- Politics! "Well, we're gonna come down there and take all your oil.
" " But this is our oil.
" "Yeeha! Well, here's my missile.
" "Okay, take it! Take it!" Politics! You know what, I'm gonna take a five-minute break.
Five-minute break! What are you, a construction worker? "Hey, baby, I'm not gay! " " Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?" Five-minute break! Ow! Ow! Ow! You enjoy the movie, baby? Yeah.
But I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more.
No thanks, I am stuffed.
So are we just gonna sit here and talk, or are we gonna do it? All right, baby, those are the magic words.
Check out my penis! - Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
I am ready for sex! I drank eight gallons of water today.
This baby's ready to explode! Is there more underneath, or is that it? I'm sorry? Zac, just get the hell out of my car! That's it? That was sex? What a rip-off.
I should sue her.
Be careful you're not held in contempt of cat! Ha! Pardon me, we're two Asian businessmen looking to invest in McBurgertown Industries, and we'd like a tour of your facility.
You don't look Asian.
Well, I guess we'll just take our millions of dongs elsewhere.
Wait, wait.
Let me get our general manager.
Peter, what the hell do you expect to accomplish here? Evidence, Brian.
I'm gonna find just the right piece of incriminating evidence to bring down this company.
Over here is a menu from our first McBurgertown restaurant in 1952.
At that time, our value meal consisted of a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a Lucky Strike.
- Wow.
How much did all that cost? - Back in the '50s? One straw penny.
- A whole straw penny? - Indeed.
Follow me.
And in here, we're test-marketing a new mascot, Meaty, the Quick to Anger Clown.
Hey, kids! Who likes McBurgertown burgers? - I do! - There was more to my question! - We're still ironing that one out.
- Hey, what's in there? Oh, I'm sorry.
That's off-limits.
Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, I have to go to the bathroom for about 30 minutes, as I eat a lot of meat.
Please give me your word that you won't go in that door.
- Okay.
- Good.
See you in a half hour.
- Peter, this is your chance! - Brian, I gave him my word.
The hell with that.
Let's see what's behind this door.
My, God, what is this? This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
Sir, you are correct.
But in here, we call it DaCow.
- DaCow? - DaCow, except we spell the cow part c-o-w.
Like "cow.
" So it's kind of It's sort of a dark joke.
Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke.
That's really funny.
Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse is no laughing matter.
They have killed a great many of us, including my beloved wife.
Peter, this is it! This is the evidence you've been looking for! If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify publicly about these atrocities? Absolutely.
But how do you intend to escape? You leave that to us.
Come on.
Hey! There they are! After them! Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere Another Pleasant Valley Sunday Here in status-symbol land Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas? What the hell's your problem? Hey, Logan, what's going on? What the hell is going on here? Nothing, baby penis! Well, yes, I have a baby Uh Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis.
I think they're messy.
Well, you've effectively ended my reign of coolness, haven't you? You're a disgrace, you know that? Hey, you're the one with the tiny penis.
You know, Connie, look.
You're right.
I behaved like a fool.
And I apologize, but before I go, could I maybe have one last kiss? Well, I guess so.
Look! This girl is making out with a baby! A nude baby! Hey! That's right.
To hell with you all.
I am who I am.
Here comes the story of the hurricane The man the authorities came to blame For somethin' that he never done Quiet, everybody, this is it.
The McBurgertown franchise suffered a publicity setback today from which it may not recover, thanks to testimony regarding its practices by a very brave cow.
I have revealed to you today these horrors in the hope that you will see the need for change, but always remember, what I have done here today is not a courageous act.
The courage lies with a man who has the guts to say no to a fast food restaurant and eat a salad instead.
To say, '"I will eat this salad with pride.
I don't care if I look like a gay person.
'" So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals, I say thank you.
And thank you, Peter, for all you've done to help expose this grave injustice.
- Where will you go now, Mr.
Cow? - I cannot stay here? Peter said I could stay here.
Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't really see how that's gonna work out.
Well, as I said, Peter just promised that I Yeah, I should stop you there.
I didn't really promise anything.
I just said, "Maybe, if it was okay with Lois.
" Boy, it seems like a real burden to me.
Well, this is pretty awkward.