Family Guy s06e09 Episode Script

Back to the Woods

And now back to G.
I.
Jose.
Hey, guys, let's go swim in the old quarry.
Yeah! Wait a minute, kids.
Don't go swimming in that quarry.
It's dangerous.
Wow, thanks, G.
I.
Jose.
Hey, you guys want to buy some gum or cotton candy or a stuffed animal? How about an inflatable mallet, huh? This is fun.
You can hit your friend on the head with it.
But don't hit him on the head with it.
Yeah, thanks.
I don't really need any of that stuff.
You got any dents you need hammered out? G.
I.
Jose Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you because you're some place where a TV is.
But first, get ready, Quahog, because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend at the Quahog Performing Arts Center.
Barry Manilow.
What a joke.
So stupid.
And boring as hell.
Yeah, no kidding.
You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Hey, you know what we should do? We should go just as a goof.
That'd be hilarious.
Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
All the dumb ass Manilow fans.
Yeah.
I mean, he's got, like, one good song.
Yeah, I mean, "Mandy" is not terrible.
Yeah, the opening's okay.
And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana.
" Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
"Daybreak" is a good song.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good song.
And I like "Weekend in New England.
Yeah, that's a good one.
"Looks Like We Made It.
" Yeah, it's not bad.
Right? I love Barry Manilow.
Oh, my God, he's the best! I have everything he's ever recorded! Me, too! In my car! We have to go to that concert.
We are going to that concert.
And I'm Ready to take a chance again Ready to put my love on the line With you Been living with nothing to show for it You get what you get when you go for it And I'm ready to take A chance again with you Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
For this next song, I'm gonna need some help from a member of the audience.
So, let's see, um what's your name? Claire .
Uh no, I don't like that.
Uh, what's yours? Harriet.
Uh, no, it's got to betwo syllables.
Peter!Cleveland! Joseph! Joseph! Quagmire! Wow, that's exotic.
All right, why don't you come upand join me on the stage? Go, go, go, go, go!Oh, my God! I hate you somuch rig now! The night goes into morning Just another day Happy people pass my way Looking in their eyesI see a memory I never realizedhow happy you made me Oh, Quagmire Oh! Well, you came and you gavewithout taking I would never take from you,Barry.
But I sent you away Oh, Quagmire You kissed me and stopped mefrom shaking And I need you today Oh, Quagmire.
God, he's so talented.
You know he wrote all thoseKentucky Fried Chicken jingles.
I don't care for them.
Not after what happenedto Foghorn Leghorn.
I say, I sayson, whatdo we got brewing in here? I was walking by whenI picked up the smell of 11 herbsand spice agh! Look at that boy, running all around like achicken with its head cut Wait a minute.
This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! One day only.
Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes.
How much would you pay for laser eye surgery? How about 12.
000$? Dr.
Lee Feldstein Fully licensed Fully trained Fully jewish Jewish! So come on down to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday! Get your eyesight fixed.
Unless you don't have the balls.
Jewish Hey, I could usesome Jew eye surgery.
What the hell?Where's my wallet? Aw, crap, I must've dropped itat the Barry Manilow concert.
Dropped it at the what?And where was I? Agh, Peter,you and your excuses for losing your wallet.
"I dropped itat the concert.
" "The hooker took it.
" "It's withmy other family.
" That one was true.
And let metell you something, they appreciate mefor who I am.
All right, Peter,have a good business trip.
Taxi! Who's hungry? Yeah! Mommy's home! Hello, dear.
I'm so gladyou're home.
While you were away,I tried to do the laundry.
Your favorite shirt.
Adam Kenneth Handleman,when will you learn? So, Peter, any luckfinding your wallet? No, and it's getting to bea pain in the ass.
I got no money.
I couldn't even afford to getmy hair cut yesterday.
That'll befive dollars.
Sorry, lost my wallet.
But I alreadycut your hair.
Yeah, well, guess there'snothing you can do about it now.
That son of a bitch.
And I can't rent movies anymore.
Uh, yes, I'd like to rentthis copy of Garden State.
Okay, I'll just needa picture ID.
Oh, I don't have one.
I'll rentit then.
It could've been me.
Oh, my God, Peter, your visa bill is $16,000! Somebody's been usingyour credit card.
Didn't you cancel itwhen you lost your wallet? I hear whatyou're saying, Lois, but unlike my credit card, I'm carrying a very lowrate of interest.
Let me see that.
A big screen TV,a massage chair from Sharper Image,plane tickets Peter, someone has obviouslystolen your credit card.
Well, here's thegood news, Brian.
Whoever the thief is,he's spending less than my wife.
Wait, look at this.
He eats at House of Chungevery day.
House of Chung, huh? Come on, let's go, Brian.
The place is packed.
How are we gonna figure outwho has your credit card? I got it, Brian.
Smell my ass.
What?Smell my ass.
It's where I keep my wallet.
Get the scent and then findthe guy that smells like me.
Peter, that'sridiculous.
Come on, boy,get the scent.
Cut it out!Get a good sniff.
That's disgusting.
You're an idiot,you know that? Wait a minute.
Your wallet's Oh, my God, it's you! James Woods.
Hello, Peter.
I've been expecting you.
You stole my credit card,you son of a bitch.
What did I ever do to you? That's a goodquestion, Peter.
What did you everdo to me, hmm? What did you everdo to James Woods? Well, I locked youin a wooden crate and forgot to putan air hole in it.
Forgot to putan air hole in it.
Well, you kind ofhad it coming.
Look, Mr.
Woods, just givePeter back his wallet.
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm justgetting started.
Peter, youhumiliated me.
You put methrough hell.
And now you'regonna pay for it.
So get ready fatso.
Lois, we found the guywho stole my wallet.
You'll never guesswho it was.
James Woods? Hello, stranger.
I don't recallinviting you into my home.
Peter, he's been herefor four hours.
I told him to leave, but hekeeps saying he lives here.
I say, this is moreuncomfortable than having James Bradyat a cocktail party.
Right, so I gotmy hand gun and I'm just randomly firing itinto a crowd of people and then And then what? And nothing.
Nothing.
No, no,I'm anxious to hear the conclusionof your story.
Ah, it's stupid.
Stupid story.
I'm calling the police.
That won't benecessary.
I already did.
Hello, Officer.
Would you be kind enough to remove this trespasserfrom my home? What are you talking about?This is my house.
No, this house belongsto Peter Griffin.
And that's me.
Hmm driver's license, Social Security card, passport,title to the house.
This puts me in a tough spot.
Joe, you can't possiblybelieve this.
You know whoPeter is.
I know, Lois, but this manhas all the paperwork.
Oh, come on,this is identity theft.
I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid legallyI have no choice.
I'm gonna have to ask youto leave, sir.
Thanks, Joe.
Clam later?We'll hoist a few? Sure, Peter.
Joe! Hey, not so fast, pal.
Those are my clothes.
Oh, come on.
You heard him, fella.
Take 'em off.
Right down to the poop sack.
What? You don't all weara poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to meabout the poop sack! Hello, family.
Hello, honey.
Oh, schnoopy Stop calling me that.
I don't care whatthe law says, you're not Peter Griffin,you're James Woods.
I should've warned you, she can be a realbitch in the morning.
Mom, this isreally weird.
I want Dad back.
I don't.
Having a celebrity dadis a real thrill.
Not like the fake thrill of running into yourex-girlfriend on the street.
Rob? Hey! Hey!How are you? God, it's goodto see you.
Good to see you, too.
How's my dog? I'm sorry, your dog? Oh, I had togive him away.
Gave him away! Well, Dave's allergic.
Dave! All right,so there's a Dave.
That's great.
God, Dave sounds great.
Yeah, he is.
And his parentsare so sweet.
Ah, met his parentsand they're sweet.
Just older Daves, huh? What a family.
God, it's good to see you.
You won't get awaywith this, Woods.
You know, you're not supposedto be in the house, Brian.
You're more ofan outdoor dog.
What the helldoes that mean? This is so humiliating.
For God's sake, I went to Brown and he's got me out heretied to a post like some kind What the hell? This rope was a lot longer, andnow it's somehow gotten shorter.
What sort of black magicis this? Brian, guess what? I gave James Woodsyour novel to read, and you're not gonnabelieve this.
Really?Did he like it? He wants to option itand make a movie! Really? No, he didn't really respond to it.
Oh.
Listen, I needyour help.
Run inside and get mea pair of scissors.
Okay.
I just hope Idon't get distracted.
I am a baby, after all.
Ooh, look, a brightlycolored dish towel! What did I comein here for? Brian, what are you doingtied to Meg's pole? James Woods did it.
Hey, where'd youget the clothes? I always keep a spareat Quagmire's.
I gotta tell you though, there was some weird stuffgoing on over there today.
Hey, Quagmire can I?Hang-Hang on a second.
And that's why I contend that when Frost speaksof birch trees, he may very well betalking about himself.
No, Glenn, that's notGloria, please.
You wanna hearmy interpretation, or are you simply goingto tell me that I'm wrong? I'm simply pointing out Yes.
We know, you'revery well read.
But this is poetrywe're talking about, and I think when it comes topoetry, you can't be wrong.
What Peter?! Nothing, nothing.
Sorry to interrupt.
The cedarsrepresent society.
Sorryto interrupt.
Listen, you gottaget out of here.
If James Woods sees you,he's gonna call the cops.
I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see 'em.
Well, well.
A trespasser onmy property.
That's the worst thing that'shappened to me since You wouldn't! It's up to you, Peter.
Either you leave now or I set up one ofyour random flashbacks.
All right, all right,all right, okay.
Peter, what do you care? No, no, Brian,he's serious.
I'll come back for you, Lois.
And I'll set up all theflashbacks, just like I used to.
Like the time I swallowedthat midget who played Mini-Me justso I could make you laugh.
You ready fordinner, Peter? Oh, yeah.
In fact my stomach has beentalking to me all day.
I said my stomach hasbeen talking to me all day.
Come on, say the line.
Oh, oh, there he is.
You know what, heslipped into my colon.
Yeah, oh, damn it,he's smothered.
Uh, but-but, let just,lemme just ask you this, Lois- if my stomach had said,"Hell yeah I'm hungry.
How 'bout some pork chops?" Would you havethought that was funny? Eh, not really.
Ah.
Well, then, this hasbeen an absolute misfire.
Oh, this is just awful.
James Woods isdestroying this family, and all just toget back at Peter.
I know, he's doing allthe stuff Dad usually does.
Right now he's upstairstalking to Meg.
Now, Meg,you want to be thin like all theHollywood starlets, right? Yeah, but I love to eat.
Well, I've got a way thatyou can eat all you want and look likea Hollywood starlet.
Meg, let me introduceyou to Mr.
Pukey.
Hiya, Meg.
Hi.
Gosh, Mr.
Pukey, you sure are good atmaking fat women hot.
Wow, thanks.
You think you could helpout my friend Meg here? Yeah, I think I couldgive her a hand.
Now close your eyes, Meg, and let Mr.
Pukeyhelp you out.
When did ReeseWitherspoon get here? Mr.
Woods, how do I geta girl to like me? Oh, Chris,I'm your father.
Call me Dad.
Um, okay Dad.
How do I geta girl to like me? Well, there's a numberof ways, Chris.
Uh, for example, uh,Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threwa punch social one day and we both happenedto be there.
Next thing you know, we're both inthe back room, slam-bang.
I went bareback.
Wow, she soundslike assla act.
Oh, not at all, Chris.
No, not at all.
Thanks, Dad.
I feel better.
Off I go on my merry way Life is greatand I'm happy with my dad.
What am I gonna do, Brian? James Woods has takenmy life and my family.
I know, Peter,but identity theft is one of the hardestthings to fight.
How you gonnahandle it? I don't know, Brian.
All I know is,I sure do miss Lois.
I gotta find a way to see her.
And I think I just got an idea.
A much better idea than whenI did magic for the blind.
Is this your card? I don't know.
Was it a red card? I don't knowwhat red is.
Ta-da.
You know what'samazing, Lois? A week from tomorrow, it'll be 20 yearswe've been married.
I married Peter Griffin,you lunatic! Uh, hello.
I was there, see? Hi, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
I brought friend homefor dinner.
Mom Dad This is Scooter.
Uh hello, Scooter.
Hey, everybody.
Sure is swell of youto have me over.
What's for eats, Mrs.
G? Uh, meat loaf, PeI mean, Scooter.
I hope you like it.
Leapin' lizards,meat loaf is my favorite.
Scooter, how come we'venever met you before? Shut up, Meg.
You know, Scooter, we don't allow hatsat the dinner table.
Oh, my bad, Mr.
G.
Dad, no! Aha! I shouldhave known! Get out of myhouse right now, you son of a bitch.
Well, that's it, Brian.
I guess he's won.
I guess he'sPeter Griffin now.
Wait a minute, Peter.
If he's Peter Griffin, then that means youcan be James Woods.
That's a great idea, Brian.
If I was a famous movie star,I wouldn't even want my family.
No, no, Peter,I'm saying you can do to himwhat he did to you.
You can ruin him.
I'll do it, I'll be James Woods.
From this day forth,I am James Woods.
And I'll stick to that story,even if nobody believes it.
I'll tell you what nobodybelieves in: ghosts.
Where did Robinson Crusoe go With Fridayon Saturday night? Damn.
Play me off, Johnny.
You're probably wonderin'why he's in hell.
Johnny liked little boys.
The question is, Brian, how am I gonna make peoplethink I'm James Woods? The same wayhe did, Peter.
Identity theftworks both ways.
The first thing we're gonna dois get you a perfect fake I.
D.
I know a guy who does good work.
You took a big riskcoming here, man.
James Woods could beback any minute.
I know.
How fastcan you do it? As fast as Spider-Manwhen he gets laid.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
That's never happenedto me before.
It's just you'reso attractive and it's been a while.
I'gonna go.
You know, some people saythat's good for your hair.
Welcome back to the, uh,program, ladies and gentlemen.
Please welcomeour next guest, Mr.
James Woods.
Oh, James.
Wait a minute,you're not James Woods.
Oh, I believe I am.
Driver's license, Social Security card,American Express.
What the hellis he doing? Wow, I guess youare James Woods.
So, uh, now, let meunderstand this, what are you hereto promote, James? Well, Dave, I havea hilarious new movie coming outon HBO next month.
It's all about 9-11.
he movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun.
No! No, no, no, no, no! James, that sounds unbelievablyoffensive to Americans.
Well, you haven't heardwhat the movie's about.
I play a window washerwho has just finished washing the last windowof the World Trade Center.
And then I turn around to getoff the scaffold, and what do you thinkI see coming? A plane.
And I go "Come on!" You know, it-it's real,real old style comedy.
You know, it-it's like,it's like two pies in the face, and one in a fieldin Pennsylvania.
James, I don't want to hearanymore about this.
And the voice of theplane is David Spade.
What?! I would never workwith David Spade! That dwarf! That skinny chicken! Well, Brian, it's beena productive week.
I think I've successfully destroyed JamesWoods' reputation.
Here it is.
Well, our top story continues to be the fall of actor James Woods, who almost overnight has gone from America's most beloved celebrity to America's most hated pariah.
You're in a lot oftrouble, Griffin! You! Oh, no, sir.
You're Peter Griffin.
I'm James Woods.
You ruined my reputation.
And now you aregonna pay for it.
We're gonna settlethis like men.
All right, we'llsettle it like men.
But not here.
Meet me out in the alleyin 20 minutes.
I'll be there.
You be there too, youlittle piece of stool.
All right, Peter, I'm here.
Where are you? Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Okay, Brian, next time let's remember thisright away, because he'sdone this twice.
Oh, Peter, we're soglad to have you back.
I missed you.
I missed you, too, Lois.
So, what happenedto James Woods? Oh, he's beingexamined by top men.
Who? Top men.