Family Guy s07e11 Episode Script

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy The annual Quahog Star Trek convention, where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.
Brian, look.
I purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter.
Well, that's great, Stewie.
You should get William Shatner to sign them for you.
No way.
I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.
Picard has it all over Kirk.
He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug.
Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command.
You are safe with me.
I will cradle you in my arms "through any crisis in any galaxy.
" - Are you queer? - Probably.
Dad, this is stupid.
I'm so bored.
How can you be bored? This convention has everything.
You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR.
Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him? And in conclusion, whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars, follow your heart and make it so.
He said the thing he says on TV! Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions.
Yes, so many questions! Me! Me! Mr.
Stewart! Mr.
Stewart! Mr.
Stewart! Mr.
Stewart! Stu! Stu! Stu! Yes, you there.
Yes, I have a question.
Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup.
What can I do to prevent this? That's an excellent question.
It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage.
This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria.
A dry sponge is a happy sponge.
That's not a Star Trek question.
I have a question for Jonathan Frakes.
I have this itch on the back of my leg, and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin.
- Do you take hot showers? - Yes.
- Dry skin.
- Thanks.
These aren't Star Trek questions.
What the hell? I have a question for Gates McFadden.
I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy.
Any suggestions? I would check the point first before re-priming it.
But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate.
This is horse shit! And that's the last question.
Thank you for coming.
You've been wonderful.
You bastards! I'll get my question answered one way or another.
All I'm saying is that in the episode "Relics," when Scotty rematerialized on the Jenolen, he referenced Captain Kirk still being alive, which is ridiculous because he knew he watched him die on the Enterprise B Generations.
There's a perfectly simple explanation.
He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years and Riker mentioned a 0.
003% signal degradation, which would account for Scotty's memory loss.
Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan.
Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds.
Give me $6.
Oh, my God! What a great costume.
Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy.
- No, Dad.
I don't want to.
- Come on.
It'll be funny.
What a wonderful novelty photo this will make.
Thanks so much, buddy.
Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? It's not a mask.
I have the mumps.
What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? You could be infecting people with the disease.
Yeah, like that old gypsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book.
Thicker! Well, Meg has the mumps all right.
How is it she was never immunized? Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese.
Besides, what's the big deal? - I never got a mumps shot.
- Really? Well, I'd caution you that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications.
In some cases, the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.
Big deal.
So I'll wear socks.
Griffin, your testicles are not in your feet.
- Well, where are they? - Under your penis.
Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep flood waters from floating into my bum.
No, I'm just poking at your funny bone.
I am quite alarmed.
I don't think you realize the danger.
Like the people who think it's okay to bring shampoo on an airplane.
So I told Brenda, "I work hard.
I like a clean house when I come home.
" And now I'm the bad guy.
Oh, I know exactly where you're coming Ow! It's in my eyes! See, Chris, come here.
Come here, look.
Check it out.
Holy crap! No way! I know, huh? Classic.
I got to forward this to my bud.
Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day.
But your father's bringing in the old TV.
- Hey, Meg.
- Peter, what the hell? I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois.
Here's your TV, Meg.
It's a little old and there's no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now.
Chris, check it out.
Jackass Number Two.
This whole day has been one big laugh riot.
- Finally! Up next, Kirk Cameron Ooh! to talk about God.
- Oh.
Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show, Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging.
With me, Kirk Cameron.
Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you, even in the worst of times.
No, thanks.
But first, are you lonely, picked on, unappreciated, disliked, not totally happy with your physical appearance? - Go on.
- Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you? Meg, your mother made soup for you.
Here you go, honey.
Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.
Here's your milk.
Rupert, my transporter is complete.
If my calculations are correct, the The Next Generation will soon be here to answer all my questions.
Wait a minute.
Something's wrong.
All right, you girls ready? What's going on? Don't you laugh at it.
Good morning, Mom and Dad.
Wow! Look who's finally out of her room after five days.
Oh, you're alive.
I guess you are gonna need that college fund.
Chris, do Daddy a favor.
In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel.
Please return him to the bazaar for a refund.
- We have to give away Humpy? - I told you not to name him.
- So, you feel better, Meg? - All better, Mom.
I was made well by the hand of God.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made.
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
" Meg, what are you talking about? I'm talking about God, Mom.
I've been reborn.
That's right, folks.
It's gonna be a Meg episode.
Stick around for the fun.
Here's the clicker.
No one would blame you.
What do you mean you found the Lord? I've been washed in the blood of the lamb.
Kirk Cameron explained it all to me.
The Lord is my savior.
It's that damn religion channel.
She was watching it all day while she was bedridden.
I want to share the word of God with everyone I know, starting with my family.
Now, everyone hold hands, because we're gonna say grace before we eat.
Dad, would you like to do the honors? Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine.
All right, Peter, this is it.
Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years.
I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out.
And, you know, they say you're supposed to go right, B, up, dodge, left, uppercut Listen to me telling you how to play the game.
Hey, you want to see a sweet porn website? Follow me upstairs.
I know what you're thinking, "Whoever heard of an erotic Chinese?" But there it is.
All right.
Let's try this again.
It's them! I did it! The Next Generation is here to answer my questions.
What the hell? Where am I? What's going on? Greetings, everyone.
My name is Stewie Griffin.
I've transported you all here against your will.
I'm a huge fan, and you're going to answer all my questions.
- But you're a baby.
- Yes.
That's right, Denise Crosby.
That was a warning.
Please do not speak unless you're spoken to.
Now, question number one.
- What's it like on the set? - The show's been off the air for 15 years.
Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun.
You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude.
Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time.
- Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together.
- Hey, that sounds like fun.
Ow! - Shut up, Wil.
- Stop it, Patrick.
You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton.
The way I treat my colleagues Wait, what? I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton.
- You mean Wil Wheaton? - Yes, Whil Wheaton.
Why are you saying it like that? What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton.
Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy.
- Say "wheat.
" - Wheat.
- Now say "Wil Wheaton.
" - Whil Wheaton.
- Wil Wheaton.
- Whil Wheaton.
- Wil Wheaton.
- Whil Wheaton.
- Wil Wheaton.
- Whil Wheaton.
- Wil Wheaton.
- Hey, did you hook up - with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? - All the time.
Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.
It's time for Kirk Cameron.
And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message - about the word of God.
- Again, Meg? You know, I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in, but there's such a thing as moderation.
Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever.
Brian, you're a thoughtful person.
Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth? You're barking up the wrong tree, Meg.
I'm an atheist.
- What's that? - I don't believe in God.
- What? Brian, how can you say that? - Why, I just thought you knew.
I mean, I never go to church.
You know how I feel about that.
Brian, it's one thing to bash organized religion, but we believe in God in this house.
I mean, an atheist? That's just about the worst thing a person can be.
You're not gonna get anything for Christmas, Brian.
- Guys, I'm just trying to say - Shut up, beast.
I have dominion over you.
And I command you to believe in God.
I'm sorry.
I just don't see any evidence.
I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope.
It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud.
I mean, what's he doing up there? You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian.
He's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc.
Oh, God's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc I'm sorry.
What were we talking about? Hey, where the hell is my van? Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.
Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad.
" - I want some McNuggets.
- We'll get to you, Brent.
I want a hamburger.
No, a cheeseburger.
I want a hot dog.
I want a milkshake You'll get nothing and like it.
- Uh, hello? Yes.
Welcome to McDonald's.
- Can I help you? - Hailing frequencies open, huh? Okay.
We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.
- And what do you want, Michael? - A McDLT.
I already told you they don't make those anymore.
You know, sometimes it's a regional thing.
You could ask.
No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.
I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those.
It's September, Jonathan.
Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? No, LeVar.
You're blind.
That's the only way you can see.
I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in There's a lot of It's a big order.
- What time do they stop serving breakfast? - It's 3:00.
- Some of them serve breakfast all day.
- None of them serve breakfast all day.
Do they have beer? Hey, Brian.
In hopes that you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross.
No, I don't want a crucifix.
Would you want it if I threw it over there? No.
Please don't do that.
- You gonna get it, boy? - No.
Please, no.
Go get it, boy.
I'll take Jesus back now.
Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me.
But unfortunately he's not available.
So I got his younger brother from Growing Pains.
Will you guys buy me a case of Sudafed? Don't you want to tell Brian about Jesus? They got my picture up at the drugstore and they won't sell me any Sudafed.
I'll make it worth your while.
- Ben.
- Dad.
Ben, what have I told you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed? Look, Meg, I've had enough of this.
You're not gonna convert me.
But, Brian, I just want you to feel the joy that I feel.
I mean, the church makes me feel accepted and safe and part of something bigger than myself.
But, Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings.
They're inside you.
What you call God is inside you, all of us.
And I just hate to see people hating and killing each other over their own interpretation of what they're not smart enough to understand.
- You see what I'm saying? - Oh, I do, Brian.
And I think I know just what to do.
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us.
Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street.
Here's the reaction from city hall.
Shocking to say the least.
I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst.
At least they believe in a God, even if it's a smelly brown God.
Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian.
All right, what's What's the worst that could happen? This is the 21st century.
People are tolerant.
Well, this is nothing.
Probably just a random act of violence.
I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
Oh, my God! That was a close one.
- Brian, what happened? - I'm a pariah, Lois.
Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, I'm the most hated person in town.
I tried to rent a movie and they threw me out.
I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out.
But the most serious part of it is no bar would serve me a drink.
I'm starting to get pretty desperate.
Okay, just remember to act confident.
You're gonna do great.
You look real grown up.
Uh, yes, I'd like to buy some alcohol, please.
- Okay, can I see your ID? - I don't have one.
- You don't? - No, it's me, Chris.
- Oh, hey, Chris.
- Hey, Carl.
Can I buy some alcohol? - No.
- Oh, okay.
- Hey, you know what's a great movie? - The Reaping? Yeah.
Why are you dressed like John Lithgow? Well, if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good, Brian.
Yeah, right.
If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen.
I hope he finds faith of some kind.
You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke.
All he does is eat pies off the high counter.
Next time around, we're gonna get ourselves a big, tall, pie-eating dog, Lois.
- Okay, Peter.
- Or Howard Huge.
Let's get Howard Huge.
We have a game plan.
Hold it together, Brian.
Hold it together.
Come on.
You know you want a drink.
Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us.
Come on, drink me.
What are you waiting for? Yeah, you big silly ass.
Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp.
Get to the chopper.
All right, everybody got your bowling shoes? - Everybody got your balls? - I don't have my shoes.
Jonathan, we were just up at the counter.
Why didn't you get your shoes? - I don't have my shoes, either.
- What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl.
Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there? Because, Patrick Because, Patrick, those are the rules.
Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.
50 from me.
All right, I'm putting our names in.
- Brent.
- No, no.
Don't put Brent.
Put Rock Kickass.
I don't know how to change it.
I already typed it in.
For mine, put Dirk Diggler.
I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name.
How do you want to do the teams? How about the white guys against the black guys? Patrick, don't be an instigator.
- I have to pee.
- Brent, take Michael - to the bathroom, please.
- Okay.
Look at me.
I've got girl boobs.
Hey, Meg, guess what? I've seen the light.
- Really? - Yes.
Hallelujah! I believe in God! Lordy, Lordy, I believe! - Brian, that's fantastic news.
- I know.
I know.
Hey, you mind spreading the news around town? Say maybe down at the liquor store? Maybe down at The Clam? Of course, Brian.
But first we have work to do.
God's work.
And God will be happy that you're joining me.
Then I say let's celebrate the way they did in the Bible.
With wine, red wine.
You know, like Jesus drank.
- Do you like the wine? - Very much.
What is it? It's my blood.
- I have to leave.
- Nah, sit down.
Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg.
I feel the warm, healing, liquid presence of God's genuine, cold-filtered grace.
It was my pleasure, Brian.
And now we get to do the work of the Lord.
- Come on.
- What? What are we doing? God's will, Brian.
- A book burning? - Come on.
Grab an armful.
We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God.
Meg, I can't be a part of this.
And neither should you.
What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian.
Well, to be honest, I lied for booze.
But, Meg, you're a smart girl.
You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong.
You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian.
Okay, fine.
Then let me just ask you this.
If there were a God, would he have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass? - I'm made in his image.
- Really? Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter? Well And what kind of God would put you in a house where no one respects or cares about you, not even enough to get you a damn mumps shot? Oh, no! You're right, Brian.
You're right.
I'm sorry, Meg.
But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from? Well, that's all part of the human experience.
It's what we're here to find out.
And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.
Rob? Did you hear that? Hear what? I swear I heard something.
Adam, we have been over and over this.
There is nothing under your bed.
There is nothing in the closet.
There are no such things as monsters.
All right? - All right, I guess.
- Good.
Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies.
We're big Hollywood actors.
Yeah, we are.
This was exhausting.
This whole experience was absolutely exhausting.
You people have ruined The Next Generation for me.
You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with.
I hope you all fucking die.
I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
There was nothing for five tickets.
We've been over this.
Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper.
Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? Yeah.
We were gonna share it.
Really? How was that gonna work? Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
For a pencil topper? - I have to pee again.
- That's it.
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