Family Guy s07e12 Episode Script

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It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Hey, Quagmire.
Peter, I want you and the guys to come over to my house right now.
We're drinking.
What for? Just come over.
I want you to see something.
All right.
Come on, guys.
We're going to Quagmire's.
All right, hang on.
I gotta go to the bathroom first.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, finally! Come on.
Come on.
Come on inside.
Well, what is it? What's the big damn deal? Look.
It's a cat.
Yeah! I just got him today.
His name's James.
Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen? Hi, James.
Oh, my God! Watch when I scratch his bottom.
He sticks his fanny in the air.
We have liftoff.
We have liftoff.
Come here, James.
What the hell are we doing? Quagmire, since when do you like cats? Since I found this little guy living under my house.
I'll tell you this.
I understand now why the pharaohs worshipped these animals.
Oh, look, Joe.
He's making friends.
Oh, sorry.
You know what? It's all right, Quagmire.
That leg is mostly pus.
Okay.
Here it comes, James.
Here comes the part I was telling you about.
You're one of those! - I hate Quagmire lately.
- Me, too.
That cat has totally changed his personality.
Yeah.
Like, when I went over to his house the other day.
Who is it? It's me, Quagmire.
I need to borrow your lawnmower.
Quagmire's not here.
It's just me, James.
I'm supposed to watch the house.
Come on, Quagmire.
It's 97 degrees out here.
We're two grown men.
Are you selling yarn? 'Cause I love yarn.
No.
I need to borrow your lawnmower.
Oh, I don't think Quagmire wants me to do that.
Oh, come on.
I don't think Quagmire appreciated the condition you returned it in last time.
- Glenn, can I just - No! You can't have it! Hey, guys.
It's James' birthday tomorrow.
Would you all sign his card? You want us to sign a card for your cat? Yeah.
And don't just put your name.
Write something clever.
God, I hate having to come up with something on the spot.
Um "Have a mice day.
Best fishes.
Peter.
" Thanks.
That's great.
Well, I gotta get going.
I'm heading off to Vermont to get James' birthday present.
There's this neat little store called Cattitudes that makes all this neat cat stuff.
See you guys later.
What a queer.
He's going all the way to Vermont for cat gifts and whatnot? You can get a scratching post down at Walmart for $2, pair of Lee jeans for $9.
You know, they got seats for children now.
You put them right in your car.
Supposed to make them safer.
Only problem is you can't lean your seat all the way back.
Oh.
We gotta do something about this.
His whole life is about that stupid cat.
Hey, you know, the cat's alone at Quagmire's right now.
You know what we should do? We should go over there and shave it.
That's a great idea! Let's do it! Let's shave the cat! Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited when they say the title of a movie in the movie.
I'm telling you these drug dealers represent a clear and present danger to the United States! He said it! He said it! All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets? There it is! There it is! The only way for me to solve this crisis The Quest for Peace.
Oh, that's why they call it that.
All right.
The cat's gotta be in here.
Hey, let's take a man-sized poop in his cat box, so he thinks there's something really wrong with him.
There it is! Rock 'n' roll! Yeah, shaving time.
All right, hand me the razor.
Oh, my God! Peter, you killed it! Will you guys relax? He's got eight more lives.
Okay, seven more lives.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Peter, stop doing what you're doing.
What do we do? All right.
All right.
I have an idea.
How about we hide the cat's body and leave that window open? And that way it'll seem like the cat ran away.
We'll never get away with that! Oh, we just might.
You see, I've got a lucky cat's foot.
You know, Peter, it's sort of adding insult to injury raiding Quagmire's fridge for beer after you killed his cat.
"Or is it?" is my response.
Oh, crap! God, I hate cops.
Almost as much as I hated my overly sensitive car alarm.
Son of a bitch! What do we got, partner? Empty alcohol containers.
The driver's inebriated and covered in blood.
He's got scratches on his face and arms.
There's a blood-soaked corpse in the back seat.
Got shovels in there, and a hand-drawn map titled "This Is Where We'll Hide the Body.
" Well, that all seems fine.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
Pot! Small amount of pot! You're under arrest, dirtbag! Oh, come on! I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a family guy! He said it! All right, Brian.
Your family's here to bail you out.
Brian, if you don't mind, we'll start thinking up our prison-rape jokes immediately.
I'll break the ice.
Hey, Brian, did you do hard time? Or hardly working? Penis.
All right.
All the pieces are there.
Somebody make something out of that.
Hey, Brian.
Who's your favorite baseball player? Albert Pujols? Chris, stop it! Come on.
Brian, we're happy you're out of jail.
And when we get to the car, would you like a donut to sit on? You see? I'm part of it! I'm part of it like everyone else! I can't believe they threw me in jail for a quarter ounce of pot.
Well, Brian, it's your own fault.
I mean, pot is illegal for a reason.
Lois, don't be a hypocrite.
You've smoked pot.
Well, sure, Brian, but I'm thinking about the children.
Pot's illegal mainly to protect them.
No, no.
Pot is illegal because William Randolph Hearst ran a smear campaign against marijuana in the 1930s to protect his interests in the timber industry, because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper.
There's your smear campaign right there, Brian.
Mom's right.
Drugs are bad, Brian.
I mean, haven't you seen those commercials? Open up, Brian.
It's Joe.
Crap! Just a sec.
Brian, under your probation, you're required to submit to random drug tests.
I need some urine.
You mean right now? Yes, right now.
Here's some magazines to get you going.
Uh, how's that gonna Oh, sorry.
It's been awhile.
Look, I don't really feel comfortable doing this in front of you.
Fine.
I'll wait outside.
Here's a bottle of lotion.
- Uh, Joe - Right, sorry.
- Stewie, I need your urine! - Really? Yeah.
Joe is doing a drug test, and if I give him some of mine, he's gonna know I've been smoking pot.
So I need some of your urine, so I can Uh, you don't have to be naked for this.
But I don't have to not be naked for it, either.
Aha! Come on, Stewie.
Hurry up and pee.
Joe's waiting for me.
Brian, you know I can't go unless you stare at it.
Brian, what the hell? Uh, hey, Lois.
The jig's up, Brian! Run! Brian, is this how you're trying to pass your drug test? By stealing a baby's urine? My God, that is just sick! No.
What's sick is making marijuana illegal when it's been proven that it does less damage to you than alcohol.
No.
What's sick is the plot of the movie Baby Mama.
What happens when a 40-year-old woman asks her 41-year-old friend to carry her baby? Push, Angie, push! Push harder Oh, it's dead.
Brian, when you have to go to these lengths just to get away with smoking pot, it's time to make a change.
You're right, Lois.
It is time to make a change.
- Thank you.
- It's time for Quahog to legalize marijuana.
What? That's not exactly what I meant.
Hey, check out the size of Stewie's penis.
Oh, come on, guys! It's just the way God made me.
No more oppression! We as American adults with free will have the right to use marijuana if we choose to! Enough government profiteering under the guise of morality! Enough with this phony war on drugs! You know, you're going about this all wrong, Brian.
If you want to win people over, you can't just drone on like Ben Stein.
You've got to have a little more showmanship.
Here, watch.
Now, everybody gather round and listen if you would When I tell you every person needs a way of feeling good Every kitty needs a ball of string and every dog a stick But all you need is a bag of weed to really get a kick One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed It's the only help that you'll ever need Because everything is better with a bag o' weed! There you go.
You're all getting it now.
They go assault a queer They rent The Rocketeer - He humps a guy like me - Right! But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry free One, two, three, ho! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed No, you don't need meth and you don't need speed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Have a go, Brian.
As Mr.
H.
L.
Mencken said '"The common man's a fool'" And just like Helen Keller said But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear Hey! Because all we need is a bag o' weed to make us want to cheer And one, two A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You can try and fight but we're all agreed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight And a one, two, three, four And a five, and a six and a seven.
Oh! A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed You're a happy guy when you plant the seed Because everything is better with a bag o' weed Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed! As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign into law the legalization of marijuana.
Good evening, everyone.
Our top story, marijuana is now legal.
Is now legal.
Legal in Quahog.
And it's made everything just so great.
Okay, you You can read the next one.
- No, you can.
- No, you.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Let's read it both together.
- Okay.
- Ready? - Okay.
Here's Ollie Williams with a BlaccuWeather forecast.
How's the weather look, Ollie? Not too bad.
Right on.
See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog aren't better now.
It's just weird, Brian.
I still don't think I'm comfortable with the whole idea.
Look, Lois, ever since marijuana was legalized, crime has gone down, productivity is up, and ratings for Doctor Who are through the roof.
Yeah.
But Peter's so baked lately he can hardly set up a cutaway.
Man! This is even better than No, wait.
No, this is worse than Better I don't know.
Here's a list of celebrities I don't like.
Hello, Griffin.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt? Hey, how you been? Not good.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Wow! A limo, huh? Hey, are these Diet Rites just to take? No! Those are my Diet Rites! Now, listen, Griffin.
Thanks to your dog's stupid marijuana crusade, Fabric, fuel and paper.
Which means I'm losing billions in timber dollars.
I had to sell my Bangles records.
I was still working on memorizing all the words.
My back is hurting from the chair I'm sitting on Where's the Tylenol? If I lay down flat on the floor it usually kind of fixes it Tony Danza from Who's the Boss? Says, '"A-oh, a-oh, oh-a, oh-a-oh! '" I'm losing money, and it's your dog's fault.
Now, I have to get hemp illegalized again, and the only way to do that is to start a fear campaign designed to turn people against pot.
Will you help me? Gosh, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, I could never go against Brian like that.
I'll give you this light-up butterfly yo-yo.
- To keep? - Not to keep! You can use it today and one more day in the summer.
- Yeah! - Pull over.
Bye.
All right, Carter.
I finished cutting together our anti-pot video.
Take a look.
"Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's kill six million Jews.
" "Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I'm on board! How did you come up with that?" "I got the idea from From Well, from while I was smoking pot.
"Anybody else who likes pot, reach for my joint.
" "Oh, there it is! Give us some of that!" "Perhaps later.
"Now, let's go to France and steal all their objects de art.
'" "All right! Let's go to France.
" Not bad, eh? Damn it! That was Fox News.
Apparently, they own the rights to Hitler's likeness and they won't have him slandered.
Hi, I'm Peter.
You know me from the movie Harold, Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle.
As you can see, I am enjoying a White Castle burger.
Why? Because I don't do drugs.
Took me five minutes to get to White Castle.
I didn't get diverted by all those crazy high jinks.
'Cause I don't get high.
It was a good movie, though.
You know Neil Patrick Harris got the job on How I Met Your Mother 'cause of that movie? You know, I've only seen that show once, but I gotta tell you, what's really weird to me is why is the voice of the guy from the future Bob Saget? I mean, the guy on the show, he's already an adult, you know? So it's not like he's gonna grow into Bob Saget.
It doesn't make sense.
Thank you for your time.
Well, what do you think? Look, Daddy, I agree with what you're trying to do, but I just don't think this is gonna work.
It's so artificial.
You're asking for a spanking, young lady.
- Yeah! All right! Peter, the reason Brian succeeded in his cause is that he spoke with such passion.
No offense, but you two just don't have that talent.
Are you kidding? I can be very persuasive.
That's how I used to lure wayward sailors to their deaths with my siren song.
Hello, Brian.
You're looking good.
Nice shiny coat.
Don't try to butter me up, Carter.
Why did you call me here? Come inside.
There's something I want to show you.
What's this? It's your novel, Brian, Faster than the Speed of Love.
Ready to ship out tomorrow.
All you have to do is publicly come out against pot.
Forget it, Carter.
I'm not gonna take your bribe.
I don't care if you printed a million copies.
I printed two million.
And I even commissioned an oil painting for your author's photo.
And what's this? Is this an Oprah Book Club sticker? I think it is.
Wait.
Really? Oh, my God! Plus, I can get you a night in bed with Oprah.
Okay, just the sticker then.
So what do you say? Is it a deal? You don't have to sell out like this, Brian! Your novel is good enough to be published on its own merits.
- You think so? - Yeah, you bet.
This is your shot, Brian.
You can be a superstar author.
All you got to do is make an impassioned anti-pot speech in public.
Forget it, Carter! Even Stewie says the book is good enough on its own.
Right, Stewie? Maybe do a song about why pot is bad.
And that's why pot is bad I've heard all I need to make an informed decision.
Marijuana is hereby re-illegalized.
In other news, a local Quahog author has set a record for the worst-selling novel of all time.
Brian Griffin's Faster than the Speed of Love has astonishingly not sold a single copy thanks to universal panning by literary critics.
Coming up, children are getting sexier, and that's That's pretty cool.
This is so humiliating.
I sold out everything I believed in, and I have nothing to show for it.
My book's a bomb.
Well, look at it this way.
You did accomplish something.
Marijuana's illegal because of you, and Stewie got to build a nice little fort with all of your unsold books.
My house is made of mediocrity.
Hey, guys.
I want you to know I'm raising my reward to $50 for anyone who can help me find James.
No questions asked.
I killed your cat.
English - US - SDH