Family Guy s07e13 Episode Script

Stew-Roids

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, Joe, thank you so much for inviting us to your barbecue.
Well, it's my pleasure, Lois.
Hey, can one of you other men come over here and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it? Yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
Those are looking good.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, don't flip them too often now.
You don't want to lose the juices.
Yeah.
Yeah, coming along nicely.
Yeah, those are cooking just fine.
Scoop that one up and put it back down in the exact same spot.
All right, they're done! Time to eat! Oh, boy! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
I uh I misspoke.
Wow, Bonnie! You really took off the baby weight quickly.
Oh, thanks, Lois.
Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back? Of course, Bonnie.
Oh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt.
Mmm That feels good.
- Um, you're going a little low there, Lois.
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
Giggity! Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby.
Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin? - He died in Iraq.
- Sad.
"I won't let you walk out of here without that dress.
" "I don't know.
Will I ever wear it?" "Yes, you will.
"You've got that thing for the opening of the library next week.
"It's perfect for that.
" "Hey, everybody.
" "Oh! Look.
It's black Barbie.
"Why are you all alone?" "Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend.
"Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut.
" Hey! I was playing with that! Hey, come back here! All right.
You asked for it.
Holy crap! All right.
Let's try that one again.
Oh, my God! Stewie! Your kid got beat up by a baby girl! Oh, man! This is more painful to watch than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.
Jennifer, what happened in school today? I got my period! And I will see the Keaton family next week.
Okay now, sweetie.
This isn't gonna hurt at all.
Those lying bastards at Johnson & Johnson! - We'll put, "No more tears" on the label.
- But it does make you cry.
I know.
Lois, you should just let those wounds get infected.
It'll teach him a lesson about being tough.
Peter, he's just a baby.
You got to let this go.
My baby boy got beat up by a girl.
What was weird was that she was crying, but the way she was standing over me made it look like I was crying, which was weird.
Peter, what exactly are you worried is gonna happen because of this? - World War V.
- Peter, we've been over this.
There has to be a World War llI and IV first.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
That's the beauty of World War V, Lois.
It's so intense it skips over the other two.
- Peter, it doesn't work - I have spoken! There's Connie D'Amico.
Chris, don't walk next to me.
Hi, Connie.
Uh, so, I heard you talking in the hall the other day about how much you liked High School Musical 2 - so I burned you the soundtrack.
- Okay.
Prepare for itemized insults.
A.
Don't ever listen to me talk.
You don't deserve my words.
B.
When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically.
And C.
You actually like High School Musical? What are you? Eight? No, that's impossible because I've seen that big hairy mudflap ass of yours in the locker room.
- Questions? - Hey, Meg.
Take that! That was awesome! The joke's kind of on us because we're smelling it.
Yeah! Awesome! Way to go! Sweet! Scott is such an idiot.
I'm totally breaking up with him.
I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys.
But, Connie, you've gone out with, like, every popular boy in this school.
Yeah, you're right.
God, they all suck so much.
I need a new challenge.
What if Wait.
Now, bear with me on this.
What if I date a loser and make him over into a popular guy? Wow! Great idea! I'm glad I hung in there! Now, who are the biggest losers in this school? - Well, there's Smiley McGee.
- Hello.
Nah.
I hear he's a bed-wetter.
And Chris Griffin.
- Oh, my God! I can smell him from here.
- He's perfect.
- God, you're right.
He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass.
Hey! No one's asking you to smell it! All right, Stewie.
Your dad's gonna help you learn how to be a man.
Real men have a couple of beers and then project their inadequacies on their kids.
- Okay.
- What's that? - You think you're better than me? - What? No.
I didn't say that.
So I guess you think you would have been some kind of big shot by my age, huh? Done things differently? Gotten that promotion? - I don't even know what you do.
- Well, let me tell you something! You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing! Now, let's sit here and watch Spike TV.
Spike TV, full of stuff men like.
Yeah, that stuff.
Wow, my favorite.
PB and J with the crusts cut off.
- What did you get? - Your crusts.
- That's it? - No.
I also got an orange peel and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.
Oh, my God! Connie's coming over to talk to me! Sit up straight! - Hey, Meg, nice posture.
Get lost.
- Thank you.
Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly the most unpopular boy in school.
I am? What about Smiley McGee over there? Hello.
You and I are going on a date Saturday night.
- Um Okay.
- I'll see you then.
Why would she go out with me? She must be more drunk than Santa Claus when he got that DUl.
No, no.
It wasn't my fault.
Some guy in a Plymouth totally cut me off.
- Sir, they don't make Plymouths anymore.
- Are you Jewish? Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the sleigh.
All right, Stewie.
We're gonna get you nice and pumped up.
Now, you see that barbell over there? Go ahead and try and lift that.
Uh-oh, spadoodios.
I notice your kid is having some trouble.
- You're telling me.
- Oh, your kid just needs a little help.
I got something that'll get him going.
Well, if there's anyone I can trust, it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle.
- Here, Stewie.
Try this.
- What the hell are you Oh, my! Suddenly I'm full of energy! All right, fat man! Let's do this! - Wow, Stewie! You look like a new man.
- Well, will you look at me? I have the power! He-Man We now return to Lady and the Tramp and Michael Vick.
Hello, family.
Does anyone need the remote? Oh, my God! What the hell happened to Stewie? Yeah, looks good.
Doesn't he? Let's see that little dyke, Susie Swanson, beat him up now.
Wait a minute.
How do you know she's gay? Short haircut, stubby legs, doesn't respond to my advances.
You haven't answered my question! - Why the hell does Stewie look like this? - Well, I took him to the gym, and the colorful gent there advised me that I put him on steroids.
And you listened to him? Yeah.
I believe everything everyone tells me anywhere.
What's going on, B minus? - What's the haps? - Stewie, you look gross.
You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.
I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym.
It has nothing to do with the gym.
You're on drugs.
Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Ryan.
All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns.
That doesn't make any sense.
It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this! I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.
- You sound hot.
What are you wearing? - I don't know.
Classic rock 103.
7, WHGT.
I hate this station.
They always make promises they can't deliver.
Playing the greatest rock-and-roll hits of all time! - See? - Chris, turn that off.
We have a lot of work to do before we go inside.
All right.
If I'm gonna be seen with you, we have to do something about that look.
Now, take that hat off.
Oh, God! Your hair's all combed.
Here.
Let me fix that.
All right, good.
Now let's give you a pencil-thin douchebag beard.
Oh, heavens! I look like a rake.
No, you look like you don't care, and that's good.
Oh.
Okay.
Um, if we're dating, does that mean when we go in there I can hold your hand? Good idea.
Then everyone will think you're popular.
Well, I don't really care about that.
I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.
I don't understand.
Well, I think you're nice, and I like spending time with you.
You're really pretty, and I hope I get to be with you for a long time.
Wow.
Um No guy has ever said anything that nice to me before.
Well, maybe you've been hanging around with jerks.
Yeah, maybe I have.
Hey, forget the pep rally.
You want to go see a movie? Cool.
Maybe we could go see that Chazz Palminteri/Paul Sorvino movie, Distracting Trumpet.
I want to thank you all for coming out here today.
We got a serious situation down in the Bronx.
Our friend needs to get a message to the short man in the hat.
He needs to deliver this message before the construction-site contracts are handed down.
It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to! So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! What? I said we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers! - Hey, what the hell? - What, what, what? Is there a problem? Huh? You want to go? - You want to go? - Go? What are you talking about? I'm talking about go.
That's what I'm talking about! - First one's on the house! - I got things to do.
- Where do you think you're going? - I'm going downstairs.
- There's a toll in the hall now, 10 bucks.
- Look, can I Uh! - I just - Uh! - Stewie - Uh! - Look - Uh! - Come on - Uh! - I - Uh! - Just - Uh! - You - Uh! - This is - Uh! - Can I - Uh! Ah! I was just messing with you, man! You can do whatever you want.
I was just kidding you.
Why are you so serious? All right, Chrissy.
Here we go.
Look! Oh, my God! Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico? I think it is! Wow! That makes him popular.
Hey, Griffin! Griff-a! Griff-amano! Wow! The jocks have never said hello to me before.
- Hi, you guys.
- Hey, Chris, after school today, we're gonna go to the pizza place and make that single mother who works there feel like a slut.
She's really sweet and struggling to raise a family.
It's gonna be great! Wow! You did it, Connie.
Chris Griffin is popular! - So are you gonna dump him now? - No, Gina.
I'm not.
- You're not? - No.
There's something about him.
He's not like the other guys.
I actually really like him.
- You do? - Yeah.
In fact, I'm going to his house for dinner tonight so I can meet his parents.
Wow! Connie D'Amico is coming to my house for dinner! I just hope Dad doesn't embarrass us like he did when that one-legged guy came over.
All right.
Well, if you like movie trivia, I got one that'll stump you.
Ahh Of course you're probably not really into tibia Trivia! Ahh Boy! That global warming, huh? They say we lost a foot of snow last winter Ahh Hey, how about another beer? I bet you like the taste of hops Ahh You only have one leg, sir.
Connie, it's so nice to meet you.
We're so excited that Chris is finally bringing a girl home for dinner.
It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs.
Griffin.
Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby? - I'm gonna go work out.
- Again? That's, like, the eighth time today.
I'm not satisfied until every vein is forced up against my skin.
Look how vascular I am, Brian.
If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man.
I've got veins They carry blood all over my body That's how John Mayer would say it, "body.
" I'm really into him now.
You better be okay with it! Well, to answer your question, Connie, apparently, I'm married to a man who thinks it's okay to inject an infant with steroids.
Wait, Lois.
Knock it off for a sec.
Connie, you are really pretty.
I mean, you have filled out something whacky.
Oh! Thanks, Mr.
Griffin.
- I like what you're doing with your boobs.
- Dad! So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother, maybe we can hang out, you know? Hey! After dinner, you want to come up to my room - and give each other makeovers? - I don't use makeup, Meg.
Of course you don't.
You're all natural.
Man, your dad must be proud! Actually, my dad passed away four years ago.
Yeah, yeah, he did.
He sure did.
You gonna shower before dessert? Greggy! Fitzy! T- Bone! Gaggaboo! - Nazi guy! - Griff-a! Hey, we're totally stoked for your party this weekend! You know it, brother.
It's gonna be awesome.
But keep it on the down low so the spazoids don't catch wind.
- Speaking of spazoids.
- Wow! Can you believe it, Connie? You and I are going to be at the same party this weekend! This is so cool! Hey, what are you wearing, so I make sure I don't wear the same thing? - Um, you're not invited, Meg.
- What? - But it's at my house.
- Uh, Connie, let me handle this.
I'm sorry, Meg.
You can't come.
There's an ass-to-boob ratio that you're way off of.
Hey, Chris, come on! Let's corner the nerds and call them gay and make them show us their penises! - Won't that be gay of them? - Yeah! That is grotacular! Way to go, man.
Awesome, bro.
Man! Our boy Chris partying with the cool kids.
I am a very proud dad right now.
And look at that Connie.
Jesus Christ! I bet that thing's so tight you've gotta call the city to get in there.
Meg, sweetheart, why don't you just go downstairs and join the party? I wasn't invited! I hate Chris! He's such a jerk! Oh, look, honey.
He's just a little confused about who he is right now.
I'm sure deep down he still loves his big sister.
I hate my school! I hate everyone! I hate my life! Okay, look, Meg.
I've been at this for 45 minutes.
I don't know what else I can say.
Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien.
I'm gonna look the other way, and whatever happens happens.
Party music Party song Does not attract attention Suggests a good time - Gina, have you seen Chris? - Yeah.
He's over there.
Chris! What are you doing? - Getting scraped to death by my zipper.
- You bastard! How the hell can you be cheating on me? I'm the one who made you popular! No, Connie.
Beating up that Jewish kid made me popular.
Come on, girls! Let's go upstairs and make out! Oh, no! Connie's been hurt! I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm.
What are you looking at? It's a cartoon! Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party.
- That was awesome! - Yeah.
I heard about it when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me.
- Hey, guys.
Room for one more? - I don't think so.
Loser.
Reject! Everyone's gay but me.
My God! He's practically ruined me.
I've created a monster.
Meg, we've got to do something.
We? Are you kidding? Do you really think I would help you out in any way - after everything you've done to me? - What are you talking about? You see this, Connie? This is from when you called me "sticky-ass cow" in sixth grade.
This one is from when you made a plaster cast of my vagina freshman year.
You want my help? You can go fuck yourself! Hey, Meg! Think fast! Ah! Loser! - All right, let's do it.
When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.
This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was 10.
Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie.
- Will you shut up? - You shut up, man! It's a comedy! When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny.
Ring, ring, ring.
Ah! Another day of being huge.
Good morning, guns of Oh, no! What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening.
Your steroids have worn off.
You're weak like everyone else.
And guess what? There's a toll in the hall now.
- Stay away from me! Stay away from me! - Stewie, no! And now here's something we hope you'll really like.
Settle down, everyone.
Okay.
Let's get this assembly started.
Is everything set, Meg? Once Chris gets up there, my friend in the A/V Department - will take care of everything.
- Okay, Meg.
Remember our deal.
I do this for you, and I have your permission to think about you later tonight when I'm in the tub.
- Fine, Neil.
- Awesome! I might even go leftie tonight, stranger in the tub.
Before we begin, Chris Griffin has an announcement for the cool kids.
Yeah, hey, guys.
The meeting of the Cool Kids Club will be at 3:15, leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV in the parking lot.
Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me I'd fuck me so hard Hey, Chris.
What's that? Did you sit on something? - Chris Griffin's a freak! - What a loser! I'm gay, all right? Oh! Come on.
It's me, Griff-a! You don't get to talk like that anymore! Connie, the person who humiliated you has himself been humiliated.
By the rules of high school, you are now popular again.
- Well, we did it, Connie.
- Thanks for your help, Meg.
There's no chance we're gonna be friends now, is there? Absolutely not.
Can I at least think about you in the tub later? - No! - I'm still gonna.
- Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
- I do, Dad.
And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche.
Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.
- How? - Tell me what it was like being one of them.
It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
I flew today.
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