Family Guy s07e14 Episode Script

We Love You Conrad

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy We now return to 19th Century British Girls' Various Reactions to Their Older Sister's Engagement, on PBS.
- Did you hear? I am to be married! - Hooray! When am I to find a gentleman to wed? Well, I don't know why anyone should want to marry.
Oh, Emily, a fortnight in town will make you a match.
Say that after a fortnight in town, bitch.
Hey, everybody.
Look what came in the mail.
We got invitations to Jillian's wedding.
Jillian's wedding? She's getting married? Wow, that's great! Looks like she finally found someone after dating that last loser.
- She dated someone after me? - No.
See how I set up my own joke? You walked right into it, Brian! Walk right in Sit right down Stewie's gonna make you the fool Peter, here's your invite.
Chris, Meg, Stewie and me.
- Probably one more in there.
- No.
Doesn't look like Oh, yeah.
Here it is.
Oh, no.
- It's for B.
- Oh.
Cool, Mrs.
Thanks for letting me stay here the last couple of weeks.
I've enjoyed his company.
She invited everybody except me? What the hell? We dated for six months! Ouch.
Well, Brian, looks like you're the odd man out, like a non-praying mantis.
Bless us, O Lord, for these gifts we are about to receive.
Help us to be mindful of all our blessings, and Brian, I'm filling out my RSVP card, and I don't know whether I should get the salmon or the Snausages.
- They're having Snausages? - Yeah.
It sounds like fun.
Big deal.
I could care less about going to that wedding.
Well, look on the bright side.
It frees you up to go to Cleveland's barbecue.
- Cleveland's having a barbecue? - Oh, boy, this is really awkward.
None of this is awkward! I've moved on from Jillian! I've dated plenty of other girls since her.
- I never do computer dating.
- Yeah.
Me, neither.
So, you're 27? Well, that picture was, you know, it was posted a couple of years ago.
So, you're a golden retriever? Well, it's a retriever mix Esapeake Bay Bradoodle.
Well, where is that waitress? Fine.
If you're so over her, we should all go out to dinner.
You, me, Jillian and her fiancé.
Unless you're uncomfortable.
I would have no problem with that.
I'd love to meet the fiancé.
And I'm sure DeShawn would love to meet you.
- DeShawn? - Ah! His name's Derek! But look at your face! We now return to The Hills.
Justin Bobby was supposed to be here already.
- Are you still going out with him? - I guess so.
I hate how he pushes his bangs out of his face with every word he says.
Order me a beer.
I have to find a spot for my motorcycle.
Hi, guys.
- Hi, Jillian.
- Oh, hey, Jillian.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
Oh, are they showing? It's a really thin bra.
Peter, I came over to ask you something.
- Will you give me away at my wedding? - Wow, sure! That'd be great! Jillian, don't you want your own father to give you away? Lois, don't ruin this for me.
Don't ruin this like you ruined Kix cereal.
- Mmm.
This Kix cereal is good-tasting.
- And it's good for you.
Nah! My father can't give me away 'cause he's dead.
Well, then, Peter would be happy to do the honors.
Plus, when's the next time you're gonna get to give a bride away? I know.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
You can give me away when I get married, Dad.
Nah! And for the gentlemen? Yeah.
Can I have this third thing down, please? Ah, very good, sir.
And for you? Excellent.
Wow, Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there.
He also speaks Orange.
- Mandarin, honey.
- Mandolin.
- What luck, huh? - Wow, sweetie! That was amazing! I don't think I could do that again in a million years.
I caught this piece.
- Oh, my God! Sir, are you all right? - I don't know.
I actually just had elbow surgery.
I wasn't even supposed to come in to work today.
Why would you trip me deliberately? - I'm sorry.
- Dinner's going great.
You know, I can probably help you with that elbow.
- Does that feel better? - Yeah! It feels a lot better.
- Wow! You're the best man ever! - Oh, hardly.
Excuse me.
I'm just gonna use the restroom really quick.
- I'll go with you.
- Oh, my God! Gay! Shut up.
He's obviously some sort of Superman.
I just I just need to know if he has any shortcomings.
- It'll make me feel better.
- You are not even You're going in there to look That's even gayer.
Oh, come on! And the worst thing is that he's not even a douche.
He's a nice guy.
I like him.
Oh, honey, that sounds awful.
I know what will cheer you up.
You want to scratch my pet rabbit, Steven, on his nose with your index finger? I like rabbits 'cause you can pull their ears back and make them look like Asian people.
Give me "callot!" Give me a "rettuce!" Can I have another bourbon, please? Hey, Blondie.
You wanna get together with my dogwood? - What? - Dogwood? You know, like Dogwood and Blondie, like in the funnies? - You mean Dagwood? - Dagwood, that's what it is.
Hey, how about this one? - You want to take a wizard on my id? - You remind me of my step-dad.
Oh! Oh, Man! What the hell did I do last night? Good morning.
- Oh, my God! You're Lauren Conrad! - Yeah.
- From The Hills! - Yeah.
You seem surprised.
It's just, I I mean, I probably had a lot to drink last night.
So if I did anything that might have offended you, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
I have a dog.
So I've had to cut poop out of his fur before.
Oh! Oh, thanks.
Well, otherwise, it was a fun night though, right? So fun.
You know, I had a really fun night, Brian.
- You seem like a really cool guy.
- Yeah.
Um Hey, you know, if you don't mind, I'm sort of a low-profile kind of person.
So I'm gonna take off before anybody gets the wrong idea here.
Hey! Brian, is that you Is that Lauren My God I was shopping for hats Hang on.
I'm coming over.
- Oh, no.
- Don't go anywhere.
Stay right there.
- Who's that? - It's just this jerk that goes to my school.
- You go to school? - No.
I just lied to you, and I'm not really sure why.
Is this the longest light ever, or what? Ah, there we go! Oh, my God! How do you two know each other? - Uh, we actually just met.
- Well, I'm Stewie.
- I'm Lauren.
It's good to meet you.
- I love the show.
Do you need a gay friend on the show? A friend on the show? Hey, you know what? I'm actually on my way to go shoot now.
- Lf you want, you guys can tag along.
- Oh, I don't know if we have time.
We would love to.
Brian, don't wreck this for me.
Oh, my God! I have the perfect hat for this! Listen, Lauren, I'm not super comfortable being on camera.
Oh, relax.
After a little while, you'll forget they're even there.
What's everybody looking at? The salesman told me it was unisex.
Hey, those people look familiar.
That's Heidi and Spencer.
I don't really talk to them.
Wow! Spencer does look like a monkey.
Spencer, I am so over your selfishness.
What do you want? I came out to Hollywood.
I'm on camera all day, and I turned my back on my own kind! So, why don't you think before you say things for a fucking change? Look, there's Brody Jenner.
God, what a douchebag! I can't believe that came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina.
- Bruce Jenner is a man.
- No, Brian.
That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not.
Bruce Jenner is a woman, an elegant, beautiful, Dutch woman.
This is where they edit the show together.
Lauren, we got a rough cut of next week's episode.
- Can you cue that up, Terry? - Sure.
I need to be, like, fine to be alone.
And, like, not even want to date someone.
And then I know I'll be fine to get into a relationship.
That's good.
- That's it? That was, like, five seconds.
- It's okay.
They fill the rest with shots of street signs and fronts of restaurants and old footage from The A-Team.
Hey, Brian.
Where were you last night, buddy? Oh, I was I was out.
I got a little wrecked after dinner, and I didn't want to drive home.
Oh, yeah? Did you stay in town or did you "head for the hills"? Wait a minute! How the hell do you guys know about that already? It's all over the Internet.
Look! Does Lauren Conrad have a new beau? An anonymous source has the answers.
Oh, yeah.
I know that guy.
His name's Brian Griffin, and he definitely boned Lauren last night.
That's fantastic.
Well, I think it's wonderful that you're dating such a classy, well-educated girl like Lauren She's such an idiot, Brian! She's such an idiot! Yeah.
You know something, Brian? I bet you make the late-night monologues.
I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying, "Oh, yeah, we just do it me style.
" Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse.
But Lauren carries one in her vagina.
Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple.
Apparently, she gave that dog a bone and he gave it right back! Look, I was drunk out of my mind.
I didn't know what I was doing.
It was a one-night thing.
I have no interest in dating one of those shallow idiot celebrities who's only famous for being famous.
I'm going over to let her down easy.
Hey, tell her I like her work in Jake and the Fatman.
No, wait.
That was William Conrad.
Tell her I like Jake and the Fatman.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm Brian.
I'm the guy all the comedians have been talking about.
Lauren is in the back.
Just follow the music and you will find her.
- Hi, Brian.
- Wow! Hi.
That's beautiful.
What was that? It's Mozart's Violin Concerto Number One in B-Flat.
"Plato's Symposium.
'"This yours? - Oh, yeah.
- It's pretty worn out.
I've read it, like, 100 times.
I find Aristophanes' quasi-satirical origin myth regarding the three genders both fantastic and serious.
That always cracked me up.
So, you read a lot, huh? Yeah, but I try not to let it interfere with my biomolecular research.
Biomolec I don't understand.
Come on.
I'll show you what I did yesterday.
"It'll make you feel young as when the world was new.
" - You did all this in a day? - The matrix formed in a day.
The life-forms grew later at a substantially accelerated rate.
Can I cook or can't I? This doesn't make any sense.
If you're so smart, why do you hide it? Come on, Brian.
You know America doesn't like smart people.
- They elected Bush twice.
- Yeah, once, but So this whole persona is just a publicity stunt? Publicity's what keeps this franchise running, Brian.
We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby.
Now you will get ready for the zim-zam and the babbity-bibbity.
And you will take off your clothes like voo and voom! And get ready for the most splendiferous pudding pop you have ever seen! All right, Jillian, since I'm giving you away on your wedding day, I want to make sure it all goes off without a hitch.
Now, what are your thoughts on a wedding singer? I thought that maybe I would just DJ the wedding myself.
I already made a playlist on this.
- A box of Junior Mints? - This isn't an iPod? - Your Junior Mints play MP3s? - My iPod is chocolate? Well, be that as it may, or not be that, I was thinking I could be your wedding singer.
- That's a great idea, Peter! - Sweet! And I promise you'll be able to understand all the words, not like Sting where you can only understand the last three.
up a brand new day - So, did you break up with Lauren? - No, I didn't.
As a matter of fact, she's coming over for dinner tonight.
Say what? Well, Lauren, it's a real pleasure having you here for dinner.
Of course, I'm sure this isn't as exciting as your usual cuisine.
You know, all that caviar with the little silver spoons.
Actually, Mrs.
Griffin, caviar spoons are carved from bone.
They don't use metal because it reacts chemically with the fish eggs - and changes their taste.
- Oh! Well, that's fascinating.
You could have just complimented the free food, but one-upping me is another way to go.
- So, you know, guys - Bitch.
Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on suborbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
- Ah! - Ah! So, Lauren, whenever I'm watching your show, you give me a boner.
Where do we go from here? Well, I could sign a picture for you.
Yeah, sure.
That'd be fine.
Thank you.
So, Lauren, do you and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan all hang out and go drunk-driving together? I heard that Lindsay Lohan wasn't driving that night.
She was taking the rap for a friend.
Road hog! Oh, no! I already have two strikes! I'll take the wheel, Mister Magoo.
I'm too old to go to prison! They'll rape me, and I'll never see them coming.
No, I won't.
Well, Lauren and I had a great time today at the art museum.
There was a special exhibition of rare Monet paintings - Manet, honey.
- What? It was actually the Manet exhibit.
Not Monet.
But no big deal.
People make that mistake all the time.
- Oh! Right.
- You know, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a more comfortable chair? This one's really hurting my back.
Oh, my God! Quagmire, you come out from under there! I'm sorry, everybody.
I just wanted to meet her so bad.
I can't do anything right.
I'll go have a talk with him.
- Hey, buddy, where are all your pals? - Playing baseball.
- Well, why aren't you playing with them? - 'Cause I don't have a glove.
- Oh, yeah? - Gee! Just for me? No fooling? Nah, just kidding.
It's mine.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Oh, sweetie, dinner with your family was so much fun tonight.
I think they really liked you.
It was so cute when you thought Manet was Monet.
That was a hoot.
Oh, hey, how are you liking that unabridged history of Second World War naval tactics in the Pacific Theater? Oh, it's really interesting.
I'm at the part where they detail the account of Admiral Halsey's victory at Midway.
- You mean Admiral Spruance, sweetie.
- Huh? Well, Halsey was hospitalized with psoriasis at the outset of the battle.
So Spruance, who, prior to June of 1941, was primarily a desk admiral, was charged with leading the naval fleet at Midway against Japan.
A victory which surprised even his peers, and, in fact, was a turning point for the American naval forces in the Pacific.
No, yeah.
That's the part I'm at.
Oh, my God.
You're so cute when you don't know what you're talking about.
Now, wait a minute.
What the hell does that mean? - Are you saying I'm not smart? - You don't have to be.
You're adorable, like those calendars that have monkeys in clothes.
Look, why don't we talk about this in the morning? I want to finish that book.
Sweetie, since when do you wear reading glasses? What? These? I've had these forever.
- Honey, those aren't real.
- Sure, they are.
No, they're not.
I can see the little Austin Powers logo on the side.
What are you talking about? These are my glasses.
Yeah, baby! - All right, I can't do this! - Can't do what? I can't date someone who's smarter than I am.
I feel like Jillian.
Oh! - What? What, what, what? What is that? - I think I get it.
This isn't about me being smarter than you.
This is about you still being in love with Jillian.
- How do you know that? - Because I'm smarter than you, Brian.
Oh, my God! You're right.
You know, I thought I was over her, but I'm not.
I'm Somewhere along the line she must have gotten under my skin.
I'm in love with her.
I'm in love with Jillian.
How could I have been so myopic? - Myopic.
- Thank you, Lauren! My God, Lauren! What am I gonna do? I'm still in love with Jillian.
Well, there's only one thing you can do, Brian.
Tell her how you feel.
What's the use? It's over.
She's moved on.
Well, who knows? Women are complex creatures, Brian.
Maybe she just needs to be reminded how much she misses you.
And I know exactly how to do that, Brian.
She needs to see you on the arm of a beautiful woman.
- What is this gonna do? - It's gonna make her jealous.
- You out on the town with a hot date.
- How are you a hot date? Whoa! You're angry at her, not me.
No wonder you're alone.
This isn't working at all.
She doesn't even know we're here.
She will, Brian.
And she's gonna be upset that your date is so into you.
Okay, ready? I've been reading up on things that sound sexy.
Oh, Brian.
I can't wait till after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period.
What the hell's wrong with you? That's not sexy.
Hey, Brian.
I just noticed you over here.
- Hi, I'm Jillian.
- Desiree.
Well, I wish we could stay, but we have quite an exciting evening planned.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
We're really hitting the town.
- Yes.
We're gonna douche the night away.
- Well, have fun.
You two are a really cute couple.
- Hey, Desiree.
- Oh! Hey, Lee.
Brian, this is Lee.
Lee, this is Brian.
- I know Lee from Starbucks.
Hey, is that Desiree? That's it.
I mean, I don't know what else I can do.
The wedding's tomorrow, and she hasn't shown any signs of leaving Derek.
I've completely run out of options.
Not quite, Brian.
There's still one thing you can do.
- What's that? - Go for broke.
Just throw all your cards on the table at once.
Show her that you love her in a way she can't possibly ignore.
Hello? Oh, hey, Lee.
No, it's not a bad time.
Yeah, I still have those boots.
Well, maybe I'll wear them and maybe I won't.
'"Love always protects, always trusts, '"always hopes, always perseveres.
'"Love bears all things, believes all things '" hopes all things, endures all things.
'"Love never ends.
Love never fails.
'" Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8.
Thank you.
That was beautiful.
- And now, Jillian, do you take Derek - Wait! Jillian, I'm in love with you.
I want you No, I need you with all my heart and soul.
And my only regret is that I didn't realize it when we were together.
Those were the happiest days of my life, and I want more of those days.
Please, Jillian, I love you.
- Will you please take me back? - Brian, no.
You had your chance.
I mean, I thought you were my soul train, but you didn't want me.
- Soul mate.
- Soul food? I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Derek now.
- I see.
And you really feel that way? - Yeah.
I mean, he's everything I have, especially since my mom died of cancer.
All right, party people.
Please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom's first dance.
And here to sing a romantic ballad is the one and only Sting.
the fields of gold Hey, buck up there, sport.
At least you gave it your all.
I guess you're right.
I still feel like crap, though.
Well, look at it this way.
You may have lost Jillian, but you can at least be happy that she's happy.
- Plus, you can always call Lauren.
- No.
I can't.
- Why not? - She's never gonna speak to me again.
I gave her worms.
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