Family Guy s08e14 Episode Script


It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, I'm so excited for Stewie's first play.
Don't you think it's a little soon for a musical about Terri Schiavo? - Or too late? - Shh! It's starting.
Hi, doctor.
It's me, Michael Schiavo.
- How's my wife doing? - She's a vegetable.
I hate vegetables.
Don't worry about her.
She's being kept alive by medical science.
Gee, look at all this stuff.
How does it all work? Well, I'll tell you.
This one keeps her liver clean This one checks her pee How about this one over here? - Oh, that's just the TV - Ha-ha-ha This one checks her heart rate This one checks her veins And this dispenses gravy For her mashed-potato brains Oh, oh, oh Terri Schiavo is kind of alive-o What a lively little bugger Maybe we should just unplug her Terri Schiavo is kind of alive-o The most expensive plant You'll ever see Oh, my God.
Here comes Jared.
Wow, he's in kindergarten.
So you're the plug this year? Hey, Jared.
Yeah, I'm the plug.
I was the plug three years in a row.
Like I don't know that? Everybody knows that, Jared.
Well, listen.
Don't you try to be a Jared plug, all right? You go out there.
You be the best Stewie plug you can.
I sure will, Jared.
- Hey, you got any Gummi Bears on you? - No.
Be a lot cooler if you did.
You know, they say don't meet your heroes.
They can eat my ass because that was awesome! Don't you think it's kind of weird that he's in kindergarten and he's still hanging around kids our age? Hey! We are very lucky.
Oh, here I go.
There's only one solution It's in the Constitution We've got to pull the plug There he is.
Quick, Peter.
Grab the video camera.
All right.
All right.
- What's wrong with Stewie? - I think he has stage fright.
- I think he has stage fright, Peter.
- That's what I just said.
I said that.
Look at Stewie.
What a baby.
Oh, no way.
Hey, Chris, look.
Is that Richard Dreyfuss? Oh, for crying out loud.
Dreyfuss, where are you going? Get back here.
What are you doing here in Quahog? My nephew's in the play.
God, can't you go anywhere these days without these damn paparazzi? Where're you going? Going to the bathroom? You gonna have a close encounter of the turd kind? Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, I think you're gonna need a bigger boat.
These jokes are for you, Peter, when you watch this tape in the future.
Hi, Future Peter.
I'm gonna plant a tree for you when I get home.
Look outside and you'll see a grown tree.
I'm gonna plant a tree for you when I get home.
Look outside and you'll see a grown tree.
Now look at your hand.
It's just a nub because I'm gonna cut off all the fingers.
Oh, yeah, Past Peter? Well, two can play that game.
Take that.
Ha-ha-ha Oh, wait a minute.
So had a little trouble up there on-stage, huh? - What do you mean? - Crying and wetting yourself.
You looked ridiculous.
You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead.
How was your bowel movement, Peter? Eh, I got some but I didn't get the troublemaker.
What time is it? I gotta turn on TMZ.
Today on TMZ.
Rene Russo got a little hot under the collar when we caught up with her outside her home.
What was it like working with Douglas Fairbanks? Is it true you were born in 1880? This is my rassen-fracken land.
And I don't care what no man from no Tennessee Valley Authority says, consarn it! Why are we watching TMZ? I hate this show.
Keep watching.
- So, what do you got? - I got Richard Dreyfuss coming out of the bathroom at his nephew's play in Rhode Island.
Hey, Richard.
Hey, can I get your autograph? - Ugh.
You have a pen and paper? Do I look like a Staples? - I don't carry that stuff.
- I'm sorry I can't help you.
You're too famous to walk over to that corner drugstore and pick up a pen and paper and some other groceries I need and come back and sign several things for me? You're a jerk.
That was my tape, everybody.
I sent that in and they put it on TV, which makes me a famous journalist.
You're badgering a celebrity and passing it off as news.
Yeah, journalist.
I got a hundred bucks for it, which I used to buy this 4000-dollar video camera.
Meet Peter Griffin, video paparazzi.
I'm gonna be right where the action is.
Like my uncle, The Guy in the White Hat Griffin.
How's that oatmeal? Is it true you're having an affair with that oatmeal? What about the rumors that you have a full diaper? - I'm trying to eat.
What'd you do to your mother's vagina? - Leave me alone! How come your feet are small? Is it true you can't say "spaghetti"? What about the rumors that you have cooties? Is it true you doubled your weight in the last six months? Aah! Agh! Oh, Daddy! Help me, Daddy! I can't get involved because of journalism.
Tom Tucker.
- The news isn't funny! - It's not supposed to be.
Who were you having dinner with? Was it a guy? Are you gay? Someone said you were gay.
It was me.
Are the rumors I'm making up true? Ignore me if you're gay.
Mayor West.
What hot spot are you going to this Friday night? Oh, I've got some pretty nifty plans, my camera-wielding friend.
Yeah? - That's right.
Every Friday night, I'm a clearance-sale area rug.
Boy, I hope somebody buys me.
I'd look swell in their den.
Rubik the Amazing Cube, Rubik the Amazing Cube.
Do you have a drinking problem? Why are your colors messed up? Uh, I can fix this.
Line up at two corners, red next to yellow.
Oh, fuck it! Ollie Williams, why do you look like Will Smith? Will Smith, what was it like to punch that alien? Eddie Murphy, what was that thing with that transvestite? Bernie Mac, how come you died? Oprah, why are you so fat? Don Cheadle - You almost done in there, Peter? Hang on, Lois.
Stupid Ollie Williams broke my glasses.
I got to put in my contacts.
The repair shop called.
They said they can't fix your camera.
That's just great, Lois.
That's great.
I was gonna use the money to take you to Cancun this winter.
Cancun, Peter.
Whoa, whoa, I don't like Ollie any more than you do.
But we are a 21st century family and I'll not have that kind of talk.
Griffin, did you call the distributor about the? What's the problem? Okay, look.
I know I was watching TV but I'll stay late.
That's not it, Griffin.
There's There's something different about you.
You're not wearing glasses.
They got busted.
I'm wearing contacts.
I can see your eyes and your eyelashes.
They're beautiful.
Who cares? What gives? Griffin, I never noticed you before.
- I like what I see.
- Uh Okay.
- Oh, no.
I dropped my pencil.
- Oh, I'll get it for you.
This is gonna work out just fine.
Excuse me.
Family, we need to talk.
Your father was sexually harassed at work today.
- What? - That's right.
Angela grabbed my ass.
So what? Peter, a woman can't sexually harass a man.
- Why not? - I don't know.
It doesn't make any sense.
I mean, guys like being touched by women.
It's not harassment if you like it.
But I didn't like it.
I got sexually harassed at school.
My chemistry teacher, Mr.
Taylor rubbed my shoulders for 35 minutes in class the one day I didn't wear a bra.
See, Peter? That's harassment.
An older man, a weak younger woman.
He could have taken advantage of her, forced her to do things to him.
He did.
- Awful things.
- See? But you, it just can't happen.
Griffin, get in here.
And make sure you have on your new uniform.
Why am I the only one who has to wear denim shorts? Because you're the only one who looks this good in them.
Damn, Griffin.
You fill those out nicely.
Why is there a dusty gas station and a Diet Pepsi machine in your office? Because your car broke down and you need to wipe a cold soda on your neck to cool off.
- Well, maybe I don't need to cool off.
- Maybe you don't need to be employed.
- It's hot in here, isn't it? - Yes.
- You need to cool off, don't you? - I need to cool off.
You need to wipe your neck with the soda can.
I need to wipe my neck with the soda can.
Do it! - Now get out of here, you slut.
- Okay.
- Can I keep the soda? - Oh, all right.
Oh, God.
I really hope there's a hungry horse back there.
Hello? Oh, hi, Angela.
Hang on.
Peter, it's your boss.
I don't wanna talk to her.
She's gonna harass me.
Ugh, don't be such a baby.
I'm sorry, Angela.
Peter can't talk.
He's upstairs in the shower touching himself to your picture.
- What? - Ha-ha-ha.
He's writing your name in the shower-door fog with his penis.
Give me that.
Why are you calling me at home? I want to hear you breathe.
Breathe into the phone for me, Griffin.
- What? - Shh, shh.
Don't talk, just breathe.
It turns me on.
That's it, Griffin.
Keep breathing.
I'm almost there.
Oh! Your breath is filling me up.
Your breath, and this squash racket.
- Wanna Ss I like kangaroos.
Oh, sure you do.
Well, tomorrow I'm getting you a kangaroo t-shirt.
She wants me to come over to her house tonight to work on a special project.
I know she's gonna make me have sex with her.
What am I gonna do? If you have sex with her, you give her all the power.
If you don't have sex with her, you're gay.
You can't win.
You can't do anything.
These days women have all the power in the work place.
You know, I never told you guys this, but my police captain is a woman.
One day she wheeled me into her office and then made me have sex with her.
- It was awful.
- Oh, my God.
- That must've scarred you for life.
- No, I was into it.
It was just awful sex.
It was like trying to get a deflated balloon into a Uh, well, I guess a normal vagina.
It was pretty bad.
I don't wanna get fired and have to look for another job.
- What the hell do I do? - I might be able to help you, Peter.
Let's get this over with.
All right.
Unbutton your shirt and your pants.
That ought to do it.
Okay, close up.
Let me get lined up right so she'll think it's you she's having sex with.
- Wow, that's really clever.
- Thanks.
And if you don't feel like doing Lois later, I can stick around.
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
Let's just see how this goes.
- Hello, Griffin.
- Hello, Angela.
Angela, I've been thinking about it and I want to have sex with you now.
- Really? Giggity.
- But I want to just do it through my zipper.
I don't wanna take off all my clothes because I'm self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body.
Oh, I suppose I can work with that.
Oh, yuck.
What do you say we go into the bedroom? Uh, yeah, sure.
Ugh, she's so ugly.
I don't wanna get in that.
Peter, I'm not gonna do it.
Deal's off.
- No.
Yes, it is.
I'm gonna spread my legs and yours will pop through.
- You better not! I'm re-jiggering my position.
No, you don't.
What the hell is going on here? Oh.
Hi, Angela.
I'm Peter's friend, Glenn Quagmire.
Thank you so much for having me in your home.
And, um, I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me that you are a complete dumpster fire.
Heh, some friend, huh? Okay.
All right.
Take it easy.
I am tired of playing games, Griffin.
I mean, let's go.
I have waited long enough.
I'm having sex with you right now.
- No! I don't want to.
- Griffin.
You have sex with me or you're fired.
Fire me.
I'm through being harassed by you.
This is awful timing, but I remembered part of the reason I came over was because my cousin is looking for a job at the brewery.
I'll just put his résumé under the door.
Give me another one, Horace.
Slow down, Peter, or else I'm gonna have to get that lady boss to come and give you a good shoe to the gift bag.
You know, keep you in line.
I'm just kidding you, Peter.
You'll find yourself a new job.
We now return to Robert Mitchum in: A Backhand for Sally.
- You're getting on that train with me.
- I can't go with you.
I just can't.
Huh! Okay.
I'll go.
Ow! I said I'd go.
Why did you give me the back of your hand? Because I love you.
I thought you had to be in the NBA to hit a girl in the face.
But I guess anyone can.
Of course you can hit a girl in the face.
They have faces, don't they? - Are you talking to me, Robert Mitchum? - You bet your ass I am.
Look at you.
You're pathetic.
What kind of a man gets fired by a broad? - A man with a female boss? - Don't crack wise.
Listen, Peter, somewhere along the line you got turned around.
You're a man.
And what do you think it means to be a man? Um, it means not getting pushed around? - Exactly.
It means drinking not because I want to but because I need to! - Right.
- It means standing up to fart.
Not hiding it in a pillow or holding it in until your stomach goes: - Now you've got it.
- Give me my keys, Horace.
I'm going to see my boss.
But, Peter, you're drunk.
- Horace? - You're right.
This is more important.
Angela, open up in there.
Oh, my God.
Angela? Angela, wake up.
What the? Griffin? What the hell are you doing trying to kill yourself? Oh, why the hell did you pull me out of there? You should have just left me alone.
- That's how I'm gonna end up anyway.
- What are you talking about? I'm talking about the fact that I have nothing to live for.
Sure you do.
Someday a white man's gonna be elected president again.
Griffin, I haven't been with anyone in 10 years.
And when you spurned my advances, it was a wakeup call.
No one's ever gonna love me again.
Wait a minute.
That's why you've been acting like such a whacky ass around me? It's been so long since I've been with a man I don't even remember what it feels like.
I always imagined it felt very painful.
You grit your teeth and let us do what we want.
I just wish one person was able to find me attractive.
That's not too much to ask, is it? No.
Look, Angela, I came over here to punch you and maybe kick you in the boob.
But now I'm all turned around.
- Angela? Angela? - Right here.
But now all I want to do is help you out.
I tell you what.
You know that ritzy, upscale place over on 3rd? - The Stuffy Fella? - That's it.
You be at the Stuffy Fella tonight around 9.
I think I know someone who might be perfect for you.
- Mm, well, hello.
- Good evening, sir.
I am Reginald New York Knickerbocker, millionaire.
- Are you serving fish this evening? - No, sir.
Then I believe my guest has arrived.
There she is.
- You must be Angela? - Hi.
Are you Peter's friend, Reginald? Indeed I am.
What a beautiful shade of lipstick on those teeth.
Oh, thank you.
But that's just my gums bleeding from aggressive gingivitis.
Mm, well, your mouth is too sweet for your teeth to want to stay in.
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
- Yes.
- I'm just gonna go to the powder room and freshen up.
She's eating it up.
This is easier than an American finding his brother in China.
- Ron? Ron, where are you? - Over here, Paul.
- Oh, good.
There you are.
- It's pretty here.
Yes, it is.
Mm, what a wonderful dinner.
Would you like some dessert? - Did you bake a pie? - Well, there is a pie.
It's been baking since I met you.
- Mm, gross.
- What? Nothing.
You know, Angela, there's something I need to tell you.
My doctor has given me - Oh, my God.
- No, no.
It's quite all right because I vowed to myself that I would spend the last night of my life in the company of the most beautiful woman in the world.
- And that's just what I have done.
- Oh, Reginald.
No, no.
This is already a perfect end to a perfect evening.
Goodnight, my dear.
Reginald, I want you to make love to me.
Oh, if only I could, but I must to a Jew to put my affairs in order.
Oh, I know what's going on here.
You don't want to be with me.
You're just like everybody else.
So go then.
I'm just gonna stay here and kill myself.
But you can't kill yourself every time somebody won't sleep with you.
I won't.
Just sleep with me just this once and it'll give me everything I need.
Sleep with me tonight.
Save my life.
Ah, that was fantastic.
It was exactly what I needed.
Mm, well, hopefully there will be no more talk of suicide.
Oh, no.
I feel better than I've felt in years.
I have my confidence again.
I'm ready to go back out there and meet someone.
Well, I'm glad to be of service.
Oh, just one more thing before you go.
- What's that, my dear? - See you at work on Monday, Griffin.
Huh? Oh, I'm gonna have to have a word with Rite Aid about this fake mustache.
I got my job back, Angela's happy again and she's not gonna harass me anymore.
Everything worked out perfect.
- Not really, Peter.
- You cheated on your wife.
No, I didn't.
I used Mort.
Oh, my God, I forgot about Mort.
I want my $2.