Family Guy s08e15 Episode Script

Brian Griffin's House of Payne

Boy, eight months on patrol and nothing.
You know, Rupert, I miss the Earth so much.
I miss my wife.
It's lonely out in spa Uh-oh, Rupert, we've got company.
And I don't think it's the Avon lady.
Strap yourself in.
No matter what happens it's been a privilege to serve under you.
Don't relax yet, Rupert.
Those fighters had to have been coming from somewhere.
Oh, my God.
Rupert, there's a weapons-systems cooling duct on the far side of the hull.
If we can get one good shot at it we can blow that fat bastard out of the cosmos.
Uh-oh, Rupert, our main blasters are gone.
Looks like this is a suicide mission.
Got you.
Got you.
Got you.
- Got you.
Got you.
- Stewie, get lost.
Daddy's trying to watch the game.
I've knocked out your communications systems.
- Lois, Stewie's making noise.
- As we speak, I'm boarding your vessel.
Hey, Rupert wants to go play down in the basement.
Hey, Stewie, I'm gonna go play down in the basement.
Here I go.
Why, Rupert? Why do you want to play in the basement? I feel like there might be some fun stuff down there.
I'm not following your logic.
Why are you talking different? - Here I go.
- Rupert, get back here.
Rupert? Oh, there you are.
Wow, look at all the old stuff down here.
What's this? "What I Learned on Jefferson Street, written by H.
Brian Griffin.
" Oh, yes.
- What's this? - What the hell? - Where the hell did this come from? - What is it, Brian? The first thing I ever wrote.
It's a script for a television show.
A drama.
I had an idea for a script.
It's basically Jaws.
Except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws they look around, there's an even bigger Jaws.
So the guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.
I call it Big Jaws.
Wait, that's not what your script's about, is it? - No.
- Okay, good.
I haven't looked at this in years.
I don't even remember if it's any good or not.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yeah, this is all coming back to me.
This is actually not too bad a piece of work.
This was It was kind of deep as I recall.
You know, Lois, you might actually be interested in reading this.
You might actually You might like this.
You should look at it.
All right, damn it.
So have you read the script yet? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian.
I haven't gotten around to it.
Why not now, you know? Just get it off your plate.
Oh, gosh.
You know what? I don't even know what I did with the copy Oh, fuck, there it is.
You know what? Why don't you put check marks next to scenes you like? - I don't - Here's a pen.
You know, I'll just leave it for you right here.
- Okay.
Thank you, Brian.
- Know what I'll do to make it easier? I'll just go ahead and place this in your hand.
There we are.
Now when you go: "Oh, where's that crazy pen?" Well, there it is.
It's in your hand.
Brian, I'm not gonna read this with you standing here.
Oh, it's okay.
I don't mind.
Go for a ride in the car? Come on! Why is it taking her so long to read that thing? I don't know.
I saw her giving Joe notes on his pilot.
- What? - Brian, your script It was enchanting.
This Brian Griffin? I've never met this Brian Griffin.
I would have told you last night but I was 100 percent sure you ripped it off.
After spending the last 18 hours on the Internet and in libraries to find traces of it somewhere, I couldn't find a thing.
- I'm so happy you liked it.
- I don't wanna get your hopes up but Daddy's got some connections over at CBS.
And I think he could help you get this on TV.
Well, that's amazing, Lois.
Thank you.
Oh, I am very proud of you.
My God.
A TV pilot.
Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler did after he wrote Mein Kampf.
- Well, we read it and we don't like it.
- Ugh.
- We love it.
- Ah, ha! - Ah! Ah, ha.
- Ha, ha.
You got me.
I could have killed you, Mr.
"Dear diary, still no sign of that tampon from last week but the headaches are getting worse.
" Chris, what are you doing? Give me that.
Well, I'm off to buy imaginary groceries.
- Do you think he's okay? - I don't know.
You idiot.
This is your fault.
My fault? You were the one chasing me.
You were the one reading my diary.
Kids, breakfast.
- What do we do? - Is he breathing? It looks like it.
That's a good sign, right? I'm afraid I'm gonna have to be blunt with you.
- Yeah? - We love this pilot.
Oh, my God.
I felt like Hitler just then.
- What? - It was a joke.
I just said I felt like Hitler.
What? Nobody here's Jewish, right? Uh, gee, I don't know.
Are you Jewish, Gordon? Gee, I don't know, Jeremy.
Are you? I had no idea.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Brian.
We're both Italian.
Ha-ha-ha! - You're in.
- Unh! That was a good one.
That was a good one.
Chris, I'm worried.
- Stewie's still unconscious.
- Maybe he's just sleeping.
- Is Stewie in here? - Yeah.
Can you give him to me? Time for his dinner.
Oh, don't worry, Mom.
We'll bring him down.
Anything I can do to make your life a little easier.
You could always grab the vacuum and clean up the living room floor.
Oh, sure.
I'll take care of that.
- Are you, uh, running off to your job? - Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- We'll bring him down, Mom.
All right, we gotta take him down to dinner.
I think he's okay to travel.
We're not gonna, but at this point I think we should cut him up and flush him down the toilet.
Oh, not too much chicken for me, Lois.
I've gotta save my appetite for all that studio commissary food tomorrow.
You know what would be great for a TV show? A sitcom about former major league pitchers Phil and Joe Niekro enjoying their retirement years.
You'd call it Those Lazy Niekros.
Kids, what is taking so long? Dinner's ready.
Look at my little cowboy.
Come on, Stewie.
Up in your highchair.
Boy, he must be starving.
Yup, he's really chowing down.
Hey, how's the food, Stewie? Blimey, it's right delicious, I do declare.
Brian, have you decided who's gonna star in your show? It's a tough role.
I mean, Byron is a 25-year-old single father going back to college so he can do right by his 4-year-old daughter.
So it's gotta be somebody who can project world-wise and sophistication, while at the same time, retaining youthful idealism.
Know who would be good? Big Jaws.
In my mind, there's only one actor who could do this role.
- Elijah Wood.
- Oh, Elijah Wood.
I've got a little bit of a crush on him, I have.
Oh, look, Lois.
Okay, ready? One, two, three.
I got five seconds.
No gravity.
There he is.
Oh, go on.
No, really.
Go on.
I'm Todd Goldstein, senior executive of programming here at the network.
We are so happy to be working with you.
I hope you brought the magic wand you wrote this with.
It's right here.
I'll turn this beautiful princess into a toad.
- Bing.
- Ribbit.
Oh, all right.
I can tell this is gonna be a fun process.
You know, you've spun gold into these pages.
It's our job to bring that gold to the screen.
What do you say we get this casting session started? - Let's do it.
- Yeah.
All right.
Obviously, we love Elijah Wood for the part of Byron as much as you do.
The audition is just a formality.
Let's bring him in.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey, Elijah.
- How are you doing? - So should I just jump into this? - Whenever you're ready.
- Okay, I'll read you in, Elijah.
This is where Byron's professor fails him for missing the chemistry midterm to take his daughter to the doctor.
"I'm sorry, Byron.
Missing the midterm is an automatic failure.
" Go ahead, Professor Watkins.
Fail me if you want.
Give me an F on the exam.
I don't care because I got an A today as a dad.
Maybe this is news to you, but love isn't some element on your periodic table.
So you know what? Keep your chromium and magnesium because I discovered a more precious element.
I discovered Dadmium.
Wow, does that audition come with a box of tissues? That was a great read.
Thanks, everybody.
- I mean, come on, how great is he? - Wow.
- He's amazing.
That's our guy.
- That's our Byron.
- Great.
We're good to go.
- Absolutely.
- Totally.
- So we're done.
Look, since we're playing with house money we do have one more guy.
- What? - Oh, don't worry.
He's not Byron.
Somebody upstairs threw out a name, got excited so we're just playing the game.
- Okay.
So who? Hey, what's up, douche bags? I'm here to audition for this stupid pilot.
James Woods? Ha, thanks for coming in, Jimmy.
You need a copy of the scene? Nah, I got it memorized, just like your wife's phone number.
- Oh, no, he didn't.
- I do, though.
I have it memorized.
I don't want this guy near this show.
He's been harassing my family for years.
He stalked my best friend, then he stole his identity.
Oh, my God.
That's an episode.
Brian, will you read him in? "I'm sorry, Byron.
Missing the midterm is an automatic failure.
" Hey, science face.
I got an F for you.
It stands for fuck you.
- Ha-ha-ha! - Oh, there he is.
Hey, and guess what? I discovered a new element.
Thanks a lot, everybody.
I gotta go.
I got some school bus seats to sniff.
He's actually done it.
Okay, did everyone else feel that? - I felt it.
- Oh, I felt it too.
I felt whatever the most senior executive felt.
Okay, good.
So we all felt it.
You're not seriously considering him, are you? James Woods is insane.
And on top of that, he's, like, 60.
The character of Byron is 25 years old.
I know.
I know.
But what if he wasn't? - What? But he is.
- N't.
God, this is a nightmare.
You weren't gonna mess with my show.
It's a small change, Brian.
You won't even notice it.
You guys aren't gonna believe this.
Call a tow truck.
I just banged into some homo's Prius.
This is Rob, our director.
Hey, Brian.
Really looking forward to making your show.
- What's with all those empty seats? - That's where the audience is gonna sit.
Audience? This isn't a sitcom.
It's a drama.
Well, we thought it would be a lot funnier if it was a sitcom.
It's not supposed to be funny.
It's a serious drama about a father raising his 4-year-old daughter.
Oh, right.
That's the other thing.
Now, this is just a thought, but we're doing it.
She's 18.
- What? - It was James Woods' idea.
We thought it was just the right hook.
I mean, how great is that? A father and a daughter both in college together? - You think this outfit is too revealing? - What do you think, Brian? What do you think of the ta-tas? Can we do better? - I think we can do better.
- What? Look, they are getting a lot of support from the undergarments.
Naked, they would be, like, whoa, mucho sloppy.
Okay? Like, taco joe here, bro.
I mean, I'm just I mean, they'd be running away from each other, okay? I don't think they're playing for the same team.
- Who is this? Where'd you get this girl? - By the way, I need a chimp sidekick.
We should take him to the hospital.
The maggots have evolved to the point that they've developed space travel.
We just got to clean the wound, Meg.
Hand me that scrub brush.
- Hey, Chris.
- Hey, Dad.
So question.
How long has Stewie been unconscious? Oh, my God, Chris, he knows.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
We should have told somebody but we were too scared.
And I wanted to take him to the hospital but Chris wouldn't let me.
Good, Chris.
I've taught you well.
You've got the right instincts.
I used to knock you kids out every month or so.
Sometimes by accident, sometimes when the Patriots lost.
Cover it up and eventually, it all works out.
Meg, this is a list of hats.
I need these by 4:00.
Good idea.
One of those hats would have helped him at the park.
Chris, did you put a coonskin cap on Stewie? No.
Why? Ha-ha-ha.
They look like little robbers.
Hey, good evening, everyone.
And welcome to the first taping of CBS's new hit comedy, Class Holes! That's not the title.
It's called What I Learned on Jefferson Street.
It didn't make a lot of sense now that he lives on Boner Street.
And action.
Okay, Hillary.
You know the bet.
You have to sleep with the next guy that walks through that door.
Got it.
Dad? Hillary? You're in college? You're my new college roommate? We're gonna be living together? In the same dorm? For the whole year? With my chimp sidekick? Brian, they love it.
What is this? This isn't my script.
What did you do to it? We hired writers to come in and punch it up a bit.
Brian, we love this project.
Just love it.
But don't ask us to marry it.
JKLOL, I might do it.
Gross, no way, but maybe.
Ha, ha! And I've got great news for you.
We got an e-mail from the network heads.
They wanna pick up Class Holes! For 22 episodes.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Aren't you thrilled? - I, uh I'm not sure.
Hey, guys.
The chimp just ripped the other girl's boob off.
Please tell me you got that on camera.
I wish you hadn't gone through all this trouble.
Are you kidding? I'm so excited.
From the first time I read that script, I just knew it was gonna make it on TV.
- I could see it.
- Well, yeah.
I mean But the real victory is just having a show make it to TV.
We almost don't even need to watch.
What is the cast of Two and a Half Men doing here? Well, you're always saying our show sucks.
Let's see yours.
Come on, Peter.
Come on, kids.
The show's about to start.
I'm coming.
I was just getting Stewie.
All right.
Got the little guy up from his nap.
Say hello to everyone, Stewie.
- Aw.
- Aw, ha, ha.
Oh, look, everybody.
It's starting.
There was a man He dropped out Now he's back He had a daughter Now she's in college with him What a pain in my class.
It, uh It gets better after the fir What smells like head? Well, Dad, I owe you an apology.
You said you'd win that talent show and you did.
Now everyone's doing the Charleston.
Not everyone.
Someone's doing the monkey.
- Mr.
Nubbins? - Mr.
Nubbins? Well, if you can't beat them: So, uh, what did you guys think? Not the worst thing in the world, right? - Oh, ha, ha.
- Time for bed, Stewie.
So, really, everybody, what did you think? - You wanna know what I think? - Well, yeah.
- You son of a bitch.
It's a travesty.
- Oh, my God, Joe.
- And I will kill you! - Stop it.
- Come on, Joe.
- Come on.
Get him out of here.
- Come on, Joe.
- Okay, come on.
Guys, keep his anus above his head.
- Okay, okay.
All right.
All right.
- Okay, careful.
Careful, Peter.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Look, I'm sure you're disappointed, Lois, but it wasn't my fault.
There were so many people interfering, of course it's bad.
I'm not disappointed because it was bad.
I'm disappointed because you sold out.
You had something really special there.
You had a vision, you let them change it because you didn't believe in yourself.
What was I gonna do? It was either do it their way or get canceled.
Well, at least then you would have had your integrity.
You guys wanted to see me? Look, we're really excited about the ratings.
We're just disappointed with how low they are.
We did some testing this morning.
We've discovered the problem.
People want something more real, more grounded.
That's exactly what I think too.
We need to get back to the original script.
Byron wants to do right by his daughter.
I think that everyone can relate to that.
That's what America wants to see.
The simple love within a family that conquers all and makes life worth living.
What if I'm a cop and the chimp is my reincarnated partner? - Yes.
- That's perfect.
- See? That's relatable.
- How the hell is that relatable? And maybe the monkey is also my roommate.
And whenever I come home at night and I walk in that door what do you think I slip on? - Monkey stool.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Terrific.
- That's exactly what would happen.
Every month, he's got a story for why he doesn't have his half of the rent.
I'm not doing this.
- What do you mean you're not doing it? - I'm drawing the line.
I wrote a script that really meant a lot to me.
You guys took it and turned it into something cheap and ridiculous.
I've had enough.
I'm not selling out anymore.
I quit.
Do you guys have a studio lawyer or something? Because, you know, I fucked that chick and I think she's well under 18 years old.
He's not waking up.
We got to take these bandages off, see what we're dealing with here.
Oh, crap.
You smell that? That's brain smell.
I don't care what you say.
He's hurt.
I'm gonna do what I should've done in the first place.
- I'm taking him to the hospital.
- No, no.
I got one last plan, Meg.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, what have I done? - Looks like you ran over him, Lois.
- Oh, no.
He's unconscious.
- Peter.
Peter, we have to cover this up.
- Yeah, but What? Put a hat on him to cover the wound.
Let's get some makeup and draw eyeballs on his eyelids, find a way to pin this on someone else.
I love you so much right now.
Let's go to the hospital.
Well, Brian, I'm proud of you.
You went there, stood up for what you believed in.
Now I don't have a TV show anymore.
Oh, who cares about that? You made the right choice for your own integrity and that's what matters.
Well, I suppose you're right.
Hey, at least I got something on the air.
- I mean, not everyone can say that.
- Ahem.
We now return to Big Jaws.
Aah! Stop eating our boat, Jaws.
Grr! I'm gonna eat your boat.
Then I'm gonna eat you guys.
Roar! - Oh, my God, what's that? - It's Bigger Jaws.
Oh, my God.
Now we have a common enemy.
We have to work together.
I already got a sequel in mind.
It's called Way Bigger Jaws.
Hey, I just found out it's November.
What the fuck happened?