Family Guy s09e02 Episode Script

Excellence in Broadcasting

- What's wrong with the TV? - Nothing, Chris.
All shows are wide-screen now, so you can see the stuff you couldn't before.
We now return to The Brady Bunch.
See, look.
Here's what you used to see.
- Good night, Mike.
- Good night, Carol.
And here's the stuff you missed.
It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane can't be with us.
Where is Diane, Ollie? - She dead.
- Thanks, Ollie.
Diane's no longer with us.
She was shot by an unknown assailant after she committed a series of murders.
I'd like to welcome new co-anchor, Joyce Kinney.
Welcome, Joyce.
- Thanks, Tom.
- Wow, you sound crazy nervous.
In local news, there was a hit-and-run by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park.
Two children are missing.
I was just there.
Oh, boy.
Don't let Brian see this.
It says here that Rush Limbaugh will be signing books at the Quahog Mall.
- He's awful.
- But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage.
- Where did you hear that? - Fox News.
Then it's a lie.
Everything Fox News says is a lie.
But this one's true, Mom.
You saw it with your own eyes and then you reported it on Fox News.
Even true things, once said on Fox News become lies.
- Why's Limbaugh coming here? Don't they have bookstores at the Nazi fascist fat camp where he go Where he is a counselor? I tell you what, if you want, we'll give you another crack.
This guy single-handedly set political discourse back a hundred years.
Hasn't the right wing done enough damage with the war and torture, and the wholesale violation of our civil liberties? Back me up.
Oh, and the economy, right? Back me up on this, you know? I gotta scratch my joint.
I say, Chris, there may be something to this pastime of manual self-stimulus.
They all laughed at me.
Huh.
Let's see where this goes.
- Wow, it went right there.
- You know what? I'm gonna go there and give that Limbaugh a piece of my mind.
First, I'm gonna sit here and stare at this paper bag I'm pretty sure has food in it.
No! - Oh, well.
Look at him.
His side screwed up our country for a generation.
I hate that man.
I'm gonna go tear him a new one.
I'm gonna go find some hardcover photography books of tasteful nude.
Hey, who should I make this out to? Make it to Charmin, because that's how I'm gonna use it.
Charmin.
Is that with an S-H or? Wait a minute, that's not nice.
You're saying my book is fecal matter.
I'm saying it's toilet paper.
Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin and I've got something to say to you.
Our republic has been bastardized and royally screwed thanks to you jackasses.
You suck.
And you're terrible.
And you've div You've been divorced several times.
Yes, valid points, my friend, and I respect you for raising them.
- But may I ask you a question? - Okay.
Have you ever read anything I've written? Well, no, I haven't.
But I've read things about the things you've written.
I do not approve of things I've read from others about the things they've read from you.
For crying out loud, Brian, read my book.
Judge for yourself.
I'd sooner spend a night watching European porn.
Stupid right-wing dick.
Yeah "Hey, you wanna sign my book? Yeah, you can sign my ass book," is what would've been awesome to say.
Oh, no.
It's a multiracial TV gang including white guys.
Well, well, what do we got here? Let's beat him up.
But not because of his color.
That doesn't matter to us.
- Wow.
Thanks, Rush.
- It was nothing.
- You would have done the same thing.
- Uh, yeah, of course.
Hey, you dropped something.
You think you might give it a read now? - Uh, well - What if I stick a piece of bologna in it and I don't tell which page? Would you read it? Would you read to find the page with the bologna? - Okay, look, I'll read four pages tonight.
All right, four pages.
That's it.
And maybe more if tonight's episode of The Office ends up sucking.
Ah.
Four pages.
Done.
Moving on.
I know my staplers by sound and by weight.
And that stapler, good sir, is a Schrute.
Ha! Look at John Krasinski look at the camera.
He can't believe this guy.
But there were gonna be more high jinks in Scranton.
Heh-heh-heh.
Scranton.
Dunder Mifflin.
Funny words are funny.
Oh, my God.
Rush Limbaugh was right all along.
Conservative Republicanism is the answer.
Good.
Good for Brian.
Brian, look at this.
Now, this is a tasteful nude.
It's called "A Saucy Outing in Tottenham Court Square.
" Brian, are you reading the new Rush Limbaugh book? I picked it up at the mall.
I can't believe I'm saying this but this might be the best book I've ever read.
- Brian, you gotta be joking.
- No, I mean it, Lois.
I've never read any of Limbaugh's stuff, but this book makes an excellent case for personal accountability, fiscal responsibility, and steak eatership.
But you're a hard-core Liberal.
Rush Limbaugh is a right-wing extremist.
- He stands for everything you despise.
- My loyalty is to reason, Lois.
As a reasonable person, I reserve the right to change my mind when presented with information that alters my perspective.
I gotta tell you, I had this guy all wrong.
I mean, some of the stuff in here is Hey, bologna.
Thank you, friends.
It's always a pleasure to meet regular, real Americans.
- Love the Hummer.
How do you like it? - It is the best.
I'm not saying you have to be gay to drive something else.
But if you drive something else, you're probably a guy who likes to pleasure other men sexually.
Hey, it's my new friend, Brian.
Hi, Rush.
Listen, I have to tell you, I read your book and it was very persuasive.
I knew you'd like it and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, I more than enjoyed it.
Every page just spoke to me.
And, you know, talking to you now, I just I wanna find the right words to describe how much I agree with you.
I got the words: Thank you for doing my thinking for me.
Because I lack the ability to think critically and independently.
- Yes, that.
- You should be proud of yourself.
- You sound like a thoughtful American.
- I'd love to pick your brain some more and hear your other thoughts about this country.
I can do even better than that, Brian.
Wow.
Never thought I'd set foot inside Republican National Headquarters.
- This is amazing.
- And it gets better, Brian.
I'm gonna introduce you to some of my pals here.
Brian, meet George W.
Bush.
Hey, Georgie.
Uncle Rush.
Hey, whoo, you are getting heavy.
I know.
I'm 64 and three-quarters.
You sure are, slugger.
Hey, you got one for me? - What? What are you talking about? - Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Come on.
Oh.
Wait a second.
Yay! Yippee! Thanks, Uncle Rush.
Don't tell my dad.
Rush, you're not giving him sweets, are you? - Goddamn it.
- What's the harm? He's gonna be pooping all over his sheets and I'm gonna have to deal with it.
- Hey, there, Rush.
How you doing? Hey, John.
Hey, I'd like you to meet my friend, Brian.
Brian, John McCain.
Gosh, it sure is a pleasure, Mr.
McCain.
- How do you two know each other? - Rush and I used to solve mysteries back in the day.
I don't understand, John.
The groundskeeper said he saw the mummy burning the flag.
- But mummies don't hate America.
- They sure don't, Rush.
But Democrats do.
Uh-oh! Democrats! Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.
But I think it's time we unravel the mummy and the mystery.
I don't get it, John.
How's a pig gonna help us lure the mummy? Rush, I've never known a Democrat to pass up pork.
Gotcha.
Now let's find out who you really are.
It's old man Barney Frank.
I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Republicans.
Thanks for all your help, Globetrotters.
That was a cold swish.
Put her there.
No, no, no.
Look, Brian, all I'm saying is, it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.
Lois, no offense, but you don't know what you're talking about.
You're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.
- Wanna know what I think is happening? - This should be rich and overtaxed.
I think you just gotta be in the out group.
Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy.
All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
Oh, please, you could not be more off base.
Oh, yeah? What did you think of the movie Titanic? - Horrible.
One of the worst movies.
- How about Slumdog Millionaire? - Overrated.
Just a terrible movie.
- Cocktail? Actually, not a bad film.
You know, as classically structured cinema Cocktail's one of the best of its era.
- You make me sick, Brian.
If I were you, I'd stow that attitude because Rush Limbaugh is coming over for dinner tonight.
Lois, this dinner looks delicious.
Oh, well, thank you.
Dig in, everyone.
Hang on, I think you're forgetting the grace, Lois.
Dear God, who definitely exists we, your people, who have been on this planet for 6000 years and not a second more, thank you for this bounty and for keeping Congress predominantly white, amen.
So, Rush, I see you made it here okay.
Driving on roads built with public funds by the government.
Yeah, what about that, Rush? I guess the government's pretty good.
Actually, I took the toll roads.
Privately built.
Way smoother than the crumbling public road system.
Yeah, government sucks at doing stuff.
Oh, no, toll roads sound great.
Too bad only the very rich can afford to use them.
- I agree with Lois.
- Maybe more people could if government wasn't taxing the bejesus out of them.
Now I agree with Rush.
I'm too stupid to make up my own mind.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever you say, Rush.
Hey, Rush, who'd win in a fight between you and Oprah? You know, it was a draw.
We destroyed most of downtown Tokyo and then she walked sadly back into the sea.
So nice weather today.
Yeah, unseasonably cool.
I guess we can forget that whole global warming myth.
Global warming is not a myth, you son of a bitch.
- What the hell are you so hostile for? - Because you brainwashed our dog.
Hey, listen, sister, I just - I'm sorry.
- Look, all I did was expose Brian to a different way of thinking.
He I'm gonna move over here.
- He embraced it on his own, Lois.
- Well, after Rush opened my eyes.
I am seeing the world in a whole new way now.
To quote a famous troublemaker, "I have a dream" I dream of Republicantown Where men to the right of the aisle Don't back down The streets are aglow With the smell of apple pies And babies come out of the womb In coats and ties - Nice place, huh, Rush? - It's a paradise, Brian.
Trees grow from Republican sod And everyone prays To a proper right-wing God - Republican Catholics? - Yes, indeed there are - Republican Muslims? - Well, let's not go too far - No Muslims? - No, too many tall buildings.
They've outlawed all abortions Late or early It's a sin we can't abide What if you find a fetus Left abandoned We just take it And we jam it back inside Oh, yes 'Cause I dream of Republicantown The place where the happiest smile Is Cheney's frown I'll bet you a buck You won't find a damn thing wrong 'Cause when you come down to it This is where we all belong - Who else lives here? - Oh, big names, Lois.
We're watching Republican stars Like sweet Mickey Rourke And his gorgeous right-wing scars - Chuck Norris is one - And he's got a right-wing beard - Jon Voight is another - He's just right-wing weird His His daughter's pretty hot, though.
At one time, Brian, at one time.
But how about global warming It's a snow job By Obama and his crew But aren't all his findings Backed by science? Careful, Lois - Now you're sounding like a Jew - Oy! We dream of Republicantown Where Clinton is viewed As a crazy commie clown A place where America's Growing free and strong Because when you come down to it This is where We all belong Well, I got to tell you, I'm not buying any of this crap.
Rush, we want our dog back.
Hang on.
What are you saying? I don't have a mind of my own? Insulting.
And you know what? I don't like the way you've been talking to Rush.
I thought you were my friends.
But if you can't accept me now that we disagree about things then maybe you aren't the friends I thought you were.
I'm moving out.
- What? - Again? I'm gonna go stay with Rush Limbaugh.
Right, Rush? - Huh? - I'm gonna stay with you.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
That's fine.
Oh, this is a bad idea.
But I guess sometimes Fox has bad ideas, huh? Let's all just sit here for a moment and remember that this was a thing.
Morning, Rush.
Thanks again for letting me stay here.
Oh, it's not really any trouble, Brian.
What do you figure, just a few days? Oh, man, who knows? It's just so good to be out of there.
I've been reading all your books and I so 100 percent agree with you.
What is going on with this country? I mean, wake up, America.
I mean, these taxes, right? I mean, am I right about the taxes, you know? Yeah, taxes are pretty high.
Is that a new coffee machine? I took the liberty of replacing your old one with a new American-made coffee machine.
In fact, I got you a bunch of new top-notch, American-made stuff.
What else did you buy? Oh, a couple things.
That light fixture.
New heat regulator on your stove.
Your man bra.
Your garbage disposal.
Your dishwasher.
And your new cat.
You're listening to The Rush Limbaugh Show.
Wanna take a moment to give a shoutout to my good friend, Ken Lay faked his own death, listening in on a ham radio somewhere in international waters.
Smooth sailing, Kenny Boy.
Hey, Rush, is it okay to hang out in here? Wha? All right, fine.
Just don't say anything, okay? So, friends, we were talking about Nancy Pelosi.
How do we stop her? How do we stop the Pelosi agenda? I'll tell you how.
Strap her to a board put a cloth in her mouth and pour water over it.
Yeah, small government.
And why don't we take a short break here.
Folks, we'll be right back.
Brian, are you nuts? - What kind of show you think I'm doing? - What? Come on, Pelosi's a monster.
She's addicted to crack.
- Come on, you're with me on this.
- Of course, but you can't just say that.
You gotta lead people there with an argument so they arrive at it.
- Man, we gotta tell people how it is.
- Gotta get them on board.
- Brian, there is no victory unless people know why they're wrong to disagree in the first place.
Boy, do you sound soft.
- What the hell's your problem? - My problem? Right now, my problem seems to be that I am talking to a Pelosi lover.
- What? - Yeah, that's right.
You love Pelosi.
You know what? It's time for you to go.
Right now.
Fine.
I don't have to waste my time with a softie.
You call yourself a Republican? Republicans don't shy away from a fight.
And I'm gonna prove it to you.
A- ha! - Who are you? How did you get in here? - Shut up, Pelosi.
- Are you here to take my baby? - I'm here to strap you to a board put a cloth in your mouth and pour water over it to simulate drowning.
Yeah, traditional values.
Griffin, you've been bailed out.
Oh, Rush, thank God.
Boy, you got down here quick.
Yeah, I keep Strom Thurmond's corpse in the front seat so I can use a carpool lane.
- Oh.
Okay, well, come on, let's go home.
- Great idea.
Time for you to go home.
Home to the Griffins.
What? What do you mean? That's where you belong, Brian.
You're not a conservative.
That's not true.
I am conservative.
I support the death penalty to show people killing is wrong.
That's great, Brian.
Look, I make a living persuading others to join my side.
But I'd never ever want somebody to be something they're not.
You're a liberal, Brian.
I mean, what about that 4-year-old that was executed in Texas? There was a 4-year-old executed in Texas? Not really.
But you see, Brian, your concern betrays you.
I know your type.
It's not coincidence you turned your back on your principles when Democrats became the political establishment.
You want something to fight against.
I mean, I suppose we shouldn't be executing children.
You see? You're not really one of us.
Oh, my God.
Lois was right.
Right there.
The fact you would give a woman credit for anything it means you're a liberal, Brian.
It's time for you to spread your two left wings and fly.
Does this? Does this mean I'll never see you again? Oh, I'll be around.
Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there.
Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there.
Wherever there's a country to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there too.
Oh, yes, I will be around.
Hey, Limbaugh.
I think you're a boneheaded, fascist, corporate-shilling blowhard.
Look, you little smart-ass, I think you are a godless, socialist, pot-smoking maggot-infested member of the blame-America-first crowd.
And I think you want the terrorists to win.