Family Guy s09e03 Episode Script

Welcome Back, Carter

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fasioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Oh, Lois, I'm so glad you were able to make it to dinner tonight.
Oh, me too, Mom.
We haven't seen you in ages.
Oh, there you are.
Did you find the new bathroom okay? Uh-huh.
I'm so sorry about your father keeping us.
He's probably down at the dock tinkering with that darn yacht of his.
That's okay, Mom.
We'll have to entertain ourselves Hey, Babs, settle something for us.
I wanted to bring, um, an owl on this trip but Lois wouldn't let me.
Could you have accommodated an owl? Well, I suppose there's some room in the owlery, but I can't be certain.
I'll take that as a yes.
You owe Dr.
Hoo an apology.
Change the channel? I'm tired of watching Old Ships.
Peter, that's not a TV, it's a painting.
Actually, Lois, it is a TV.
It's the PBS show Old Ships.
Good, I hate PBS.
This PBS program is brought to you by generous grants from the Arthur Vining Davis Foundations and John D.
and Catherine T.
MacArthur Foundation and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
Additional funding by Archer Midland, Whiteman, Colgate-Palmolive, Exxon Mobil and a 20 I found in a blazer I wore to a wedding.
Tonight on Ken Burns' nine-part series on street signs: "Part Four: Yield.
" Before they had the sign, people just run into each other.
Maybe you had to see the first three to get this, but I am completely lost.
Lois, you said there would be other men my age here.
There aren't.
I'm bored.
Look, Peter, why don't you grab a book off a shelf and be quiet? No.
Books are jerks.
Stop acting like a brat.
What about a picture book? Only if it has a mirror at the end of it and it says, "How about you?" Oh, wow, look at these old photos of you and Dad.
This must be around the time you guys were first dating, huh? Oh, dear, yes.
Your father was so handsome back then.
I remember the day we met.
It was one of those lovely, warm summer days by the shore.
Perfect giant beach ball weather.
Would you like another John Barrymore and soda? Ah, yes, thank you, Clarence.
How are things in Terriblehood? - Terrible, sir.
- Good, good.
Aah! You dumb bitch! My friend and I held our breath wondering which one of us he was talking to.
But the lucky one was me.
And from there, our romance blossomed.
Boy, you can take a punch.
But at the same time, you cowered a little bit.
Now, that's a woman.
I love you, Pussycup.
I love you too.
Now let's kiss while the camera pans over to the drapes.
Good stuff happening over here.
All implied.
It was the happiest time of our lives.
Unfortunately, that was the year the Great War with Alaska broke out.
And even Carter's lofty connections couldn't save him from the draft.
In one of the bloodiest battles of the war, Carter nearly lost his life in the battle with the infamous, walrus-backed Nanookwaffe.
But through all of it, Carter never forgot to write to me daily to send his love along with a mixtape.
Wanna spend a mind-blowing afternoon? Get stoned and listen to this song.
Jeepers Creepers Where'd you get those peepers? But after some months, the letters stopped coming.
And I was certain he had perished.
So I took up with a young dandy named Rodginald.
He would bring me small chocolates and sit in my front parlor and pitch woo at me taking my hand gently, and singing from bended knee the popular songs of his youth.
Marry me And I will buy you chewing gum And a hat that has a giant plume And if someday You're feeling rather saucy You can put the chewing gum In the hat With no other suitors to speak of I agreed that I would marry him forthwith.
Even though my heart still belonged to Carter.
I believe Rodginald knew this.
And he even tried to strike me in the manner to which I had become accustomed.
But it wasn't the same.
And then a miracle happened.
Oh, Carter, you're alive.
I've missed you so.
Babs, be my wife.
Oh, yes.
Carter, yes.
Hey, that's my gal.
Dear sir, I respectfully urge you to prepare yourself for one devil of a skirmish.
Oh, I always love hearing that story, Mom.
I got a story about a fat guy who's starving and bored.
Peter, if you're that hungry, go down to the dock and find Daddy.
- We'll get dinner started.
- You're not gonna get dinner.
She's gonna tell that sloppy Spanish maid to do it.
She will, only because she needs money to pay for medicine for her prematurely overweight son, Diabeto.
Mama, may I have cookie? No, Diabeto, roll back to kitchen.
Pewterschmidt! Mr.
Pewterschmidt, dinner's ready! Damn it, he can't hear me.
Ah, that was excellent.
When I clenched it, you took your fingers away.
- You were right to do that.
- Oh, my God.
Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ew! - No, no, this is my sister.
- Ew! - No, no, no, I'm impotent.
- Ew! - She looked at me while I did it to myself.
- Ew! - I mean, she's a man.
- Ew! We need more E's and W's down here now.
Just turn the M's upside down, and send them down here.
I don't care.
I'll take the heat.
Just turn them over and send them down.
Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Why don't you say it louder, idiot? I thought sailors only slept with little buoys.
Knock it off.
Now, look, Peter, l Shut up.
Now, Peter, you can't Damn it.
Oh, shut up.
Look what you did, you jackass.
- What? I didn't mean to - Stop it.
- It liked my joke.
- It won't shut up.
Yes, give me the owlery, please.
Release the owls.
Griffin, you better not breathe a word about what you saw here.
But how can you be having an affair? What about Babs? That's not your concern.
You didn't see anything.
Remember that, or I'll ruin you.
Okay, I promise.
I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.
Billy, I was gonna have a party at the rectory this evening.
Do you like sacramental wine and mouse Russell Crowe movies? Oh, boy, do I? Hey, can my sister come? No, she'd ruin it.
Now, you keep your mouth shut about what you saw.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Oh, there you are, boys.
Sorry, sweetheart, I lost track of time.
Right, Peter? I'm Peter.
Well, let's eat, huh? You must be starving, Peter.
What, am I on trial here? Uh, maybe you should just eat something, Peter.
Go, put some food in your mouth.
Yes, sir, I sure will, Mr.
Cooterschmidt Pewterschmidt.
Oh, God.
Peter, are you feeling all right? Oh, he's fine.
You know how hungry a man gets after a day at sea.
- He eats with porpoise.
- Ha-ha Oh! For God's sake, you're always an embarrassment at the table.
Should've seen when we had dinner with Paul McCartney's ex-wife.
He kept playing footsie with her under the table.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Hey, guys? I got a problem.
Um, you know how Lois has that dad? - Yeah.
- Well, we were there the other night.
And I caught him cheating with some bimbo.
- Oh, my God.
- You're kidding.
Anyway, he told me not to tell, but I'm having a real hard time not telling Lois.
How could you not? Peter, once entered into, marriage is a sacred bond.
An alliance blessed by God, and hallowed by the community.
I'll never opt for the matrimonial condition.
It wouldn't be fair to the framework of the institution.
But for those who do and then turn their back on its convictions? Shame.
This is unwelcome news, Peter.
Very unwelcome.
I know, but I don't know what to do.
It's really hard keeping my mouth shut.
Actually, Peter, this could be an opportunity for you.
- What do you mean? - Lois' dad is loaded.
Get him to pay through the nose to keep your mouth shut.
Yeah, you could really milk this thing, Peter.
- Huh.
I never thought of it like that.
- Wait a minute.
You're not serious.
That's unethical.
Brian, no one cares.
You can make him your slave.
Oh, man.
He'd hate that even more than he hates sitcom two-parters.
Tootie, it's 8:29.
Now either try that beer or dump it down the sink.
Wait, now I have to wait a whole week to find out if she gave in to peer pressure at that party.
Carter, wake up.
It's okay, Lois.
Daddy's just taking your temperature.
What? What is it? I heard a noise downstairs.
I'll go have a look.
- It's probably just the wind.
- The wind, dear.
Is that how you say that? I've only seen that word written.
Hi, Mr.
What are you doing in my house? I was getting ready to watch a movie on your TV but first I thought I'd use your toilet.
- That's not a toilet.
- Hey, when's it go down? - It's just doing a lot of loop-de-Ioops.
- Get out of there.
Oh, no, no.
No, you don't get to talk to me like that anymore.
Not unless you want me to blab about what happened.
What are you getting at, Griffin? That's right, you're gonna start doing a lot for me.
- Like what? - For starters, got more than one limo? - Yeah.
- You and me are gonna do a limo joust.
What the hell is that? All right, you ready? - I don't wanna do this.
- Go.
That went exactly as I wanted it to go.
Here's your Mike and Ikes, with all the Ikes taken out.
I hope you were careful because if I find one Ike there, I'm going straight to Babs.
It's fine, I double-checked.
Here's your Mikes.
Next? I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good-Iooking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.
People of France a good-Iooking, depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.
And your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome.
You got my catch phrases for me? I just want you to know this was a huge pain in the ass.
"Peter's new catch phrases by Carter Pewterschmidt.
" All business.
I like that.
I've been under the weather, so it may not be my best work.
"Shape up or show me your balls.
" Heh.
That's good.
Really? How about this one? "In your face, Nancy Grace.
" I love it.
Oh, man, there are a lot of good ones here.
"Fire alarm? I am the fire alarm.
" Find your own beach house, Crabby.
Put that in your office and frame it.
" Last one's kind of lame.
- Did you get to one at the bottom? - Which? - "On your mark, get set, terrible.
" - No, this one here.
"If you got a problem, take it up with my butt.
He's the only one that gives a crap.
" - Oh, my God, that's it.
- Yeah.
- That's the one.
You are - I thought you'd like Oh, well Take it up with my butt because he's the only one who gives a crap.
You know, Lois, I've noticed Peter and Carter spending a lot of time together lately.
It's nice to see them finally getting on.
I know.
Who would have thought, huh? Boy, I can't wait to get this home.
I keep not laughing at The Big Bang Theory and I figure it's gotta be the television.
TV this size, forget it.
It'll have me laughing till I got snots falling out.
Where are you taking our television? I'm giving it to Peter.
What? Why? - Yeah, why, Carter? - Ugh.
Because Peter is the best, and he is awesome and he makes better laser sounds than I do.
You hear that, Lois? And he's not just saying that because I covered for him about his affair.
- What? - Carter.
Is this true? Yes.
It's true.
Oh, dear.
Well, on your mark, get set, terrible.
No, but I understand that this is bad.
You stupid fat bastard.
How could you tell her? We had a deal.
You're blowing this out of proportion, Carter.
- She's divorcing me.
- Well, I don't blame her.
Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together.
It was such a close marriage.
Maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise.
I mean, there were some problems in your relationship.
Who knows, maybe some time apart could be what you need.
Think of the fun stuff you can do as a single guy.
Like going to loud awful bars and not being able to hear the chick next to you say something stupid.
It's gonna be awesome.
I don't know how to do that.
I'll help you meet women, Mr.
Come on, it's been 50 years since I've been on a date.
How'd you get that chick, then? You know in that movie Liam Neeson gets his daughter back? Yeah.
That was one girl their dad didn't get back.
- What is this? Where's the cigarette girl? - They don't have those anymore.
Peter, I don't know about this.
I haven't even had normal sexual relations in a long time.
With Babs, I finish in my hand, and just throw it at her.
Look, relax, will you? Got these off a website that tells you things to say when hot women walk by.
Here comes a hot one.
Say the first thing on the list.
"I love getting trendy cupcakes in the middle of the day for no reason.
" No way.
So do I.
- Hi, I'm Paula.
- Carter.
How do you do? Why don't you and your friend come join us at our table? Peter Griffin.
How do you do? We would We would love to.
Hey, girls, these are my two new friends.
Hello, ladies.
My name is Carter, and I require a tremendous amount of calcium.
Carter, come here.
Sit next to me.
Oh, this is fun.
We're having fun.
What do you say we get some drinks? Hey, boy, boy.
Fetch me a John Barrymore and soda, and three Myrna Loys for the women.
Excuse me? - What the hell is your problem, you jerk? - What? Does he belong to somebody else? Come on, girls, let's ditch this racist dick.
What happened? Did we get laid? You jackass.
Those women were coming on to you and you blew it.
We gotta go to another club and start all over again.
Peter, I don't wanna go to another club.
I don't want women like that.
I want Babs.
Babs? You got a room full of chicks like that and you're thinking about Babs? She looks like someone farted in a shoe.
I had a moment of weakness, but I know now that I was wrong.
I need her, Peter.
I love her.
You got to help me get her back.
It's probably the right move anyway.
Those girls seemed annoying.
Look at them, taking a group picture together.
- I love you.
- I love you.
We're all such good friends.
You can tell by the way we're pressing our faces together.
And that's where fat girls come from.
Carter, if there's one thing girls like, it's a guy with tattoos.
When Babs sees this one, she's gonna take you back.
What's the tattoo? Oh, it's great.
It's a donkey's vagina.
What? How is that gonna? Peter, stop him! No, this is good.
This means I did a good job.
If I've learned anything from romantic comedies it's that the ex-wife falls for her husband again after he befriends a little kid.
- Okay.
And the kid needs to be really cute.
So I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki.
Ah, there's the cute little guy now.
Hang on.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you? Oh, we gotta get you to the hospital.
Aah! Aah! You're hideous.
Who did this to you? Oh! Oh! Where are my keys? Where's my keys? Where are my keys? - Peter, what about Babs? - Forget about yourself for a second.
Look what has happened to Jonathan Lipnicki.
Oh, yeah.
No, you're right.
You should probably take care of that.
I'll be I'll be here.
Carter, I think this will definitely work.
As soon as she sees you, you've got to do exactly what l Hey, whose Duesenberg is that parked in the driveway? There's only one man I know who drives a Duesenberg.
And I will buy you laudanum And rhubarb cakes To balance out Your fragile body's humors Oh, Babs, I don't wish to overwhelm you with my passions but I must say this: I'm ever so content.
Oh, I am too, Rodginald.
Do you think perhaps one day, if we should marry, that I could sit beside you? Yes, I think that would be fine.
Get away from my wife, you rascal.
Oh, such language in the presence of a lady.
If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in 'twixt.
Hang on.
I think I know how to take this guy down.
Carter, get out of here this instant.
I don't ever want to see you again.
Pussycup, please.
Pewterschmidt, Carter has something important to say to you.
I'll set the mood.
Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well, don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows That the bird is the word Peter, I kind of wanna do this on my own.
Babs, I need you.
Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life.
I kneel before you a frightened soul and a broken man.
A man who has nothing without you.
Give me one more chance, and I pledge to place above you nothing.
Not even myself.
For all my time here, and for time forever.
Please, I beg you.
Carter, what you did was unforgivable.
And as beautiful as your words are I just don't know that they can fix what's done.
I know I can't do it overnight but we can still have a lot of years together.
Just let me try.
Carter, you had sex with that woman.
So, no, I can't trust you.
But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either.
So if you'd like to move back in and take things slowly, one step at a time I suppose I can give you the chance to earn my trust again.
- Sounds like a lot of work.
Go to hell.
What are we here for? What are we here for? All right, fine, fine.
I'm gonna try.
Come here, you.
Hey, look, I found a genie's lamp.
Oh, no? Okay, maybe next week.