Family Guy s09e04 Episode Script

Halloween on Spooner Street

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Trick or treat? Chris, what in God's name are you doing? You can't go out dressed Iike that.
Why not? I'm Bill Cosby.
Okay, but, I mean You can't go out Iike that.
Well, come on, Mom, don't I Iook Iike him? Well, yes, but, Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface.
It's racist.
Now, go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you.
I don't want to! Peter, what's with all the eggs? Well, every Halloween, me, Joe and Quagmire do this thing where one of us is it, and then the other two of us nail the crap out of him with awesome pranks.
Well, who's it this year? Damn it.
Guys, guys, be careful! This isn't my box! Oh, yeah, sure.
Then whose is it? It's mine.
I'm Dick Pump, and I'd appreciate it if you hooligans didn't get your eggs all over my parcel.
I keep getting your mail, Dick.
Hey, what's in there, anyway? Embarrassing stuff.
Wow, that was terrific, Jessica.
It was good for me, too.
Got you again, Quagmire.
You said you were that waitress from Friendly's! -I Iied.
-You jerk! I didn't feel anything.
But you did! Happy Halloween, fuck face.
Hey, hey, get away! Just get away from me, Peter! Hey, take it easy, Quagmire.
Nobody wants to hurt you.
Right, Joe? Gotcha! Ha! Hepatitis C! Joke's on you.
I already got it.
-Meningitis! -I'm a carrier.
-Gonorrhea! -Patient Zero.
You're gonna have to do better than that.
I don't know, Joe.
That's it.
We're out of known diseases.
Unless AII right, what this is has no name, so you can't have it.
We got him.
Halloween is fun.
What was that? Oh, my God.
I knew this day would come.
Rupert, we're under attack by monsters! Dear God! But wait, there's Superman.
He'II save us.
Superman! Superman! Wait, wait.
Where are you going? To hell with him.
We'II have to deal with these marauders ourselves.
Rupert, man your station.
AII right, you undead bastards, time to send you back to hell! Hey, Stewie, you all set to go trick-or-treating? Whoa, what the hell are you doing? We're under attack, Brian! By zombies and vampires and a Mexican princess! Stewie, those aren't monsters, they're kids.
They're trick-or-treaters.
Trick-or-treaters? Yeah.
It's what kids do on Halloween.
They dress up in costumes, and they go around asking for candy.
How do you not know about trick-or-treating? Well, how do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog? Hey! That guy is a dick.
Hey, get out of here! This is my house! Oh, my God, Brian.
What happened? Who did this to you? Did you do this? You son of a bitch! Okay, see you Iater, Mom.
Where are you off to, sweetie? You gonna go see three movies in a row so it seems Iike you're out doing something? No, Mom.
I'm going to my first big high school Halloween party.
That's nice.
What are you dressed as? I'm a slutty cat.
Why has that become what Halloween is for girls today? It's just an excuse to dress slutty.
"I'm a slutty nurse," "I'm a slutty pirate," "I'm a slutty cancer survivor.
" Who wants to check my boobs for Iumps, bitches? I'II be back Iate.
Don't wait up.
Quack, quack.
Oh! My Iittle ducky.
You Iook so adorable.
Oh, no, no.
You see these holes? I got bit by a vampire.
I'm a vampire duck.
But I'm a modern vampire duck who hangs around with Anna Paquin and drives around in a black Mercedes.
What is that? It's True Blood.
Yeah, no one knows what that is.
Rich gay people do.
Brian, are you sure none of these are real monsters? Stewie, it's gonna be fine.
Look, here's our first house.
There you go.
A Cornish game hen for you, a Cornish game hen for you.
Everybody gets a hen.
Would you Iike some gravy? Sure you'd Iike some gravy.
How about that house there? No, that house is no good, Michael Cera Iives there.
He's just handing out Iow energy one-Iiners.
Nice costume.
I haven't put mine on.
Not really.
This is my costume.
Whoa, nice place! Yeah, former heavyweight champion, FIoyd Weatherton, Iives here.
Trick or treat! Well, the thing about Halloween is that the candy corn is not particularly, unusually, the cause of the determinate factor of timeless tradition, is in contrast to the turkey day.
Oh, my God, Brian, you were right.
Halloween is the best.
Look how much candy I have.
Where should we go next? Look, there's Mort's house.
But I hope he doesn't have some gross Jewish candy, Iike Like rugelach or hamentashen or hachahachahacha.
Right, Brian? Brian? Brian, where are you? Hey, kid, nice costume.
Really? Oh, my God, thank you so much.
My mother bought it for me, and I was worried it might be a tad banal, but if you big kids Iike it, then it must be pretty cool.
That's a nice bag of candy you've got.
Oh, thank you.
You know, it's actually a pillowcase.
They're sort of thrifty around my house, you know.
Well, now it's ours.
Uh, well, no.
But how about this? You can have the apple and the raisins and the cheese and crackers with the Iittle red stick.
I don't I don't know how that's candy, but Thanks, duck boy.
Hey, get back here! Hey, that's my candy! Damn you, that's my candy! How could this day get any worse? Brian! Brian, help me! Brian! -Hey, there you are.
-Brian, where were you? Well, that jerk dog from our patio door somehow got inside a hubcap.
I just wanted to alert the owner of the car.
I Ieft a note on his windshield.
-What is wrong with you? -You abandoned me! And some Iarger children took my candy.
AII right, Iook, just calm down.
It's still early.
We'II get you more candy.
Brian, this isn't working.
What do you want me to do, Stewie? It's Iate.
Everybody's stopped giving out candy.
Well, then Iet's get my candy back, Brian.
Let's track down the punks who stole it and make them pay.
-Look, Stewie, I don't think that -Brian, please.
This is my first Halloween, and And it's ruined.
AII right, all right, fine.
We'II Iook for them.
Good, because so far, Halloween's a bigger Ietdown than being a Mets fan.
Opening day, and here's the first pitch.
And the season 's over.
You were a good sport this year, Quagmire.
Well, you know, Peter, it's all in good fun, right? You know, my grandfather used to have a saying Holy crap, you speak Ebonics? No, no, Peter, it's Japanese.
Wait, are they the angry eye ones or the tired eye ones? I'm not sure I The first one, I guess.
I I don't know.
My grandfather on my mom's side was Japanese.
Wait a minute, you're You're part Japanese? Sure am.
My grandfather was a pilot for the Imperial Air Force during World War II.
FIew a kamikaze mission in the Battle of Midway.
He's part ofthe reason I became a pilot.
How come I never met him? He was a kamikaze pilot.
Y eah, no, I heard you, he was a Karma Chameleon, but how come I never met him? Because he died, Peter.
Oh, my God, when? And how? Hey, Joe, what are you doing? I thought we were gonna go to The CIam and get wasted.
I can't.
I'm on duty tonight.
And Halloween's got to be the worst night of the year to be a cop.
AII you do is drive around, confiscate beer from teenagers and occasionally handcuff a drunk woman in a sexy costume.
Oh, cool! Hey, I got a great idea.
How about we ride around with you and steal beer from teenagers? I don't know, you guys.
This is my job, and I can't have you fooling around, getting into trouble.
Hey, when the hell do I get into trouble? Well, didn't you get Iost in the grocery store Iast week? -Are you okay? -No! I came in with my wife and now I can't find her! I'm sure she's here somewhere.
Come on, I'II help you find her.
Will Lois Griffin please come to the courtesy booth? We have a little gift for you.
I'm Lois Oh, for God's sakes, Peter.
Yay, Lois! This is so cool.
Our first high school Halloween party.
Do you think we'II get to make out? These things always end up in make-out sessions.
Hey, you know what, you guys? My cousin went to a Halloween party and made out with a guy, and she's hideous.
I mean, really hideous.
Like Egon Schiele's expressionistic period.
Well, what did you expect? He was a protégé of Gustav KIimt.
Yes, but KIimt was more focused on symbolism and heightened emotion whereas Schiele was purposely vulgar -in order to de-mystify the human form.
-Good point.
Am I the only one who wants to wet some knuckle tonight? Yeah.
How'd your cousin do it? She wore a mask.
Don't you get it? If we wear our masks and we don't take them off for the whole party, the boys won't know who we are, and we'II have a better chance of hooking up.
-Good idea! -We are so gonna hook up! -I think we Iook hot.
-Totally hot.
Ugly bitches! So, what's the story, Quagmire? Do you observe any particular Japanese customs? Oh, yeah, I'm very in touch with my Asian roots.
You notice I take my shoes off whenever I enter my house.
Oh, yeah.
I do five hours of math homework every night even though I'm no Ionger in school.
Sometimes I drink out of a wooden box.
Ah, very Asian.
I was a very cute baby and now I'm a joyless adult.
They are unhappy.
All units, we've got a domestic disturbance at Fifth and Maple.
This is Officer Swanson responding, I'm on my way.
AII right, you guys, these domestic dispute situations can get pretty dicey, so I need you to stay in the car, okay? No joking around.
AII right, sir, sir, ma'am.
I just need you to tell me clearly and calmly what happened.
One at a time, please.
-The whore gets her stubby fingers -He puts cigars in his mouth -in my wallet! Larceny! -and he becomes a different person! No freakin' way.
Guys, I told you to wait in the car.
Domestic abuse is a very delicate matter.
Joe, this isn't domestic abuse, this is hilarious.
And another thing I'm tired of massaging your foot knuckles! You call that a massage, with your baby carrot fingers? -Go to hell! -Come here! Get over here! Stay away from me! You keep him away from me! Why, you Iittle Get over here! -I'm gonna jump over you and I'm gonna -Come back here! AII right, that's enough, you two.
This is serious.
Stop it.
Quick, Quagmire, give me your iPod.
I swear to God! You keep him away from me! Got 'em.
Aw, they got tuckered out.
Of course they did, they ran, Iike, two miles for them.
Okay, there they are, Brian.
And they've still got my candy.
You distract them, and I'II run up from behind and grab it.
Stewie, don't be ridiculous.
They're kids, and I'm an adult.
I'II just go over there and calmly ask them to give back the candy.
Hi, fellas.
Hey, Iook, it's Snoopy.
Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock? Ah, that's That's a good one.
Listen, my friend, Stewie, he's just a baby, and you guys took his candy earlier.
What do you say you just give it back, and we all forget this ever happened? Sure, why not? Your friend's candy is right around the corner.
AII right.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Stop it! Hey, Iet me go! No! No! Oh, my God, you Iook so cute.
What is that, spray paint? Yeah.
Those Iittle punks want a war.
And now they've got one.
Hey, here's someone who might understand how you feel.
-Hey, how you doing? First day being pink? -Yeah.
Welcome to hell.
AII right, Brian, we're getting my candy back, and here's how it's gonna go down.
First, we track down those teenage hoodlums and kill them all.
Yeah, okay, fine, Iet's kill 'em.
Really? No way.
No, I was only half serious.
We can't do that.
Oh, my God Pink Brian is crazy Brian.
Oh, man.
I know, I know we can't.
I just feel bad they stole your candy.
Well, now I know how Peter feels when Mort steals his paper.
Come on, that's right, you bastard.
Stop right there! Give me the paper! No! No! Don't hurt me, you bastard.
Mort, give me the paper.
No, I'm reading it in here.
You can have the real estate section.
It's for schmucks, anyway.
Okay, your turn to spin the bottle, guy dressed Iike Bill CIinton.
Yeah, dressed Iike.
AII right, Iet's go make some Whitewater.
Okay, slutty cat, you're up next.
Oh, my God, this is totally working.
Nobody knows who we are.
AII right.
SIutty cat and Optimus Prime.
Into the closet.
Oh, my God, you're gonna hook up.
With a boy.
I know.
I can't believe it.
Oh, I feel as pretty as Scarlett Johansson.
Scarlett! Scarlett Johansson! - MAN 1 : Scarlett, over here! - Scarlett Johansson! -Scarlett! -Scarlett! MAN 2: Laura Linney.
Come on, you guys.
It's been well over seven minutes.
Let's go.
Other people want to use the closet.
You guys Oh, my God.
Chris? Meg? Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Trying to grab some boob! From your sister? I didn't know it was you! Well, who did you think it was? Some bitch! Who cares? Oh, my God! We did so much! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We're disgusting! We're a disgrace to our family! Oh! Maybe I can get in on this.
It's good to finally be off duty.
Wow, I never knew about this place, Quagmire.
Yeah, this is the Air Force graveyard, where old military planes come to die.
That one over there is my favorite.
It's an old Japanese Zero.
Wow, no calories and all that Japanese taste? That's the kind of plane my grandfather used to fly -in the war.
Man, this thing Iooks Iike it still might be in working order.
You guys want to go for a ride? -Sure.
-Hell, yeah.
Wow, I always thought the Japanese flew flying saucers.
AII right, there they are.
AII right, boys, it's candy time.
Let's dig in.
Okay, Brian, Iet's do this.
Give me a boost.
Hey, it's that stupid kid.
Yes, it's that stupid kid.
Now, Iisten very closely 'cause here's how it's gonna go down.
Guys, guys, guys, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I think that was me.
Well, there's only one thing to do now.
Go to plan B.
Mom! I am so sorry, Mrs.
I have no idea what got into my son.
Well, just have him return the candy and everything's fine.
Justin, you give this young man his candy back right now.
AII right.
Now we want Justin's candy.
-What? -You heard me.
Take Justin's bag of candy and pour it into Stewie's.
AII of it.
And if I think you're holding back on me, we're gonna have a serious problem.
Well, all right.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, serious problem.
Now, go in your purse, take out $40 and put it in the bag.
AII right, Lois, you're kind of scaring me now.
I I don't have $40.
AII right, I understand.
I'II be back tomorrow for the $80.
And I'm taking your welcome mat.
Whoa, Quahog Iooks beautiful from up here.
Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right.
Feels kind of Iike something I was meant to fly, you know.
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor.
Look at all those old naval vessels.
Y eah, Iook at 'em all.
Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire.
What are you doing? I don't know, Peter.
It's Iike something just awakened inside me.
I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins.
Quagmire, what the hell's the matter with you? -What are you, nuts? -Shut up, round-eye! Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire! I don't want to die.
PIease don't kill us! -Oh, God! -No! You know what they call this in my country? -What? -What? Payback! What the hell was that? Prank's on you, assholes! I'm not Japanese.
-You're not? -No.
That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches.
You guys actually had sex? Yeah, I kind of went rogue with that one.
Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time.
And for that, I'm going to Iet you -pick out some candy from my bag.
And keep in mind, we can't use any actual brand names due to advertising concerns.
Right, okay, I'II have a Mr.
Whip-o Bar, a Kooky Nut Pop, some Jim 'n M's, a Zip Zap, a Choco Buddy, a $64,000 Bar, a Notafinger and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disc.
God, I hate television.
Brian, why are you pink? Why do you and Meg smell Iike sweat and shame? Uh, well You see We You know what? I don't care.
I hooked up with a chick tonight, and I am pretty darn proud of myself.
You're right, Chris.
I hooked up with a guy tonight, a high school guy, and I think maybe he'II call tomorrow.
You may be disappointed.
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