Family Guy s09e16 Episode Script

The Big Bang Theory

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy Okay, Brian, I'm going to the IGA.
-Don't Iet Peter get into the cookie dough.
-Y eah, sure.
Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and Iook at something.
-Peter, I know what you're doing.
-I'm just gonna Iook at something.
Oh! What a very interesting thing.
Brian, can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this Abercrombie & Fitch catalog? What do you want to order? Oh, wait, Iet me guess.
Him.
He got you, Stewie! Well, um, if it were you, you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it, 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid, and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow.
Nice comeback.
Jesus, that one was all over the place.
I should have been quicker than that.
I should've said, "Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend?" And then I'd go Iike this.
Oh! That's so good! Why didn't I say that? If only I had a time machine, I could go back in time and have that comeback ready.
Wait a minute.
I do have a time machine! Okay, Brian, I'm going to the IGA.
-Don't Iet Peter get into the cookie dough.
-Yeah, sure.
Uh, Brian? I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and Iook at something.
-Peter, I know what you're doing.
-I'm just gonna Iook at something.
Oh! What a very interesting thing.
Brian, can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this Abercrombie & Fitch catalog? What do you want to order? Oh, wait, Iet me guess.
Him.
Really? Why would I order your ex-boyfriend? He got you, Brian! Why didn't I think of this before? Now I can always have the Iast word.
Like that ground-control guy during the moon Ianding.
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
Roger that, Neil.
We came in peace for all the peoples ofthe Earth.
We read you, Neil.
We chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard.
Had a lot ofhelp down here, Neil.
We have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God.
Yeah, ifyou couldjust grab some rocks, Neil, throw them in a bag, we 'll get you home safe and sound.
You know what's cool? Lois Iet me stay up till 7:30 Iast night to watch Phineas and Ferb.
I'm so tired from staying up that Iate.
Stewie, security called.
They found your breath mints.
Oh! Good one, Brian.
Turn the page.
-What? -Turn the page.
What the How did you This is silly fun.
I can go back in time and change anything in Brian's Iife.
Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.
Hey, I know what'II cheer you up.
Hey, where the hell's my banana thing? It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at? Where he at? Oh, my God.
Stewie, that is so funny! Oh! I did not see that coming! But that was my thing.
I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing.
Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Hey, you remember a few months ago when you scored that date with that Victoria's Secret model and then ended up sealing the deal? Oh, yeah.
That was amazing.
-What was the date of that? -August 15th.
August 15th! You betcha! -Now, I have to Ieave enough time -Talking to yourself? Brian! Hello! Stewie, I know you've been going back in time to embarrass me.
Oh, what Come on! Oh, okay, then where are you going now? Well, I have a very important mission.
-Uh-huh.
Let me see that panel.
-No, no, don't touch that! Come on, Iet me see that! -Move out of the way! -Don't.
No, you can't -I'm not gonna Iet you do this -You just touched my boob.
I'm gonna tell Mom.
What happened? -Where are we? -I don't know.
It's Iike we're not anywhere.
Stewie, what the hell did your machine do? Just calm down, calm down, Brian.
I've got the return pad.
AII right, step on.
-What happened? -Good Lord! -This is impossible! -What? Well, the return pad works by first Iocking on to our coordinates along the curve of the space-time continuum.
-But it can't.
-Why not? Well, the only explanation is we've somehow been transported outside the space-time continuum.
I don't understand.
Non-existence.
No past, no future.
No universe.
But still somehow a Iarge, brightly-colored promo for The Cleveland Show.
Hey, y'all, it's The Cleveland Show! Huh.
That's weird.
BIack guys usually don't promote themselves.
Come on, Stewie, can you fix that damn thing or not? Well, it's not broken, Brian.
It operates according to the Iaws of physics, but we're outside the space-time continuum, so there are no Iaws of physics.
Watch.
-How the hell did you do that? -No Iaws of physics, Brian.
We create our own physics.
See, watch this.
Heart and soul I fell in love with you Heart and soul The way a fool would do Madly Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night -Huh? Did I tell you? -Y eah, that was good.
We were good.
Y eah, that's why it sucks that we're alone here.
Because ifthere were people here, they would say, "That was good.
You guys should do that more.
" Oh, yeah, they totally would, but Iook, I still want to go home, Stewie.
How do we get out of here? Well, if I overload the return pad's reactor, it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe, but it's too risky.
But it could get us home.
Well, maybe, but it'II break my thing.
And if I overload that reactor, we could both die.
Well, you at Ieast have to try.
And if you don't, I am gonna spend the rest of eternity chuckling at a joke that I am not gonna share with you.
Oh, man.
What? What's the joke? Oh, yes! What? What is it? You can't say that! But it got said! What? What? By who? AII right, fine, fine! I'II try it, you bastard! Now step onto the return pad.
Now brace yourself.
Hopefully, the explosion will propel us into reality.
-We made it.
-Yeah, we made it.
-Okay, now tell me the joke.
-Oh, it's nothing really.
It's just this bit about a PIanned Parenthood clinic on Halloween.
Next.
Brian, I am about to show you something that's gonna blow your mind! Do you know what the big bang theory is? Yeah, the theory that the universe started with a massive outward explosion from a singularity of infinite mass and infinite density.
Check out the big brain on Brian.
Good.
Now take a Iook.
The universe's cosmic background radiation, a kind of echo of the big bang, precisely matches the energy spectrum of my return pad.
What does that mean? It means my return pad's explosion was the big bang.
But the big bang happened, Iike, billions of years ago.
No, no, we were outside the space-time continuum.
Time and space didn't exist until my explosion.
Which means I created the universe, Brian.
That doesn't make any sense.
You were born in the universe.
How could you create it? It's called a temporal causality Ioop.
The universe created me, so I could create it, so it could create me and so on.
That's That's the most incredible thing I've ever heard.
So, wait, that means that I kind of created the universe, too.
No, no, no, no.
You're sort of the Art Garfunkel of the universe.
Hey, Lois, check out what I spelled with my AIpha-Bits.
-Oh, my God.
-Yeah! Now watch.
Maybe Iater you'II want the real thing, huh? I prefer the AIpha-Bits.
So, Brian, I see you're enjoying that cup of joe.
I thought you'd Iike it.
-What, you made the coffee? -Created it, yeah.
-Oh, for God's sake -Stewie's For Stewie's sake.
Well, I'm off to the farmers' market.
I've gotta pick up some plutonium for a new return pad.
In case I decide to make another universe Iater.
PIutonium at the farmers' market? Y eah, I'm only using organic plutonium now.
Think globally, buy Iocally.
Hey, slut, get me out of this.
-Hello there, Yusuf.
-Hey, Stewie! What can I get you? Just a Iittle of the good stuff for a new time machine return pad.
Coming right up.
So, how's the whole terrorism thing going? Well, the good news is my son died in a car bombing.
The bad news is he borrowed my car! Oh, God! Oh, that's the other reason I come here.
Okay, so here is your plutonium.
I hope you kill my bitch wife with it.
Whoa, whoa.
Where's that coming from? Ahh, I'm just a Iittle upset because she Ieft me.
I guess she didn't know what "jihad.
" -Come on! -Oh, sorry! So, Stewie Griffin invented a time machine.
Bertram! Hello, Stewie.
You don't realize it yet, but your Iife is about to cease to exist.
What are you talking about? I am gonna kill one of your ancestors, effectively erasing you from history! Here! PIay with this! At Ieast you can spend your final moments doing something you enjoy.
You know, it's funny, I had actually stopped playing with that toy, but now that I see you with it, I kind of want to play with it again.
Look at me! I'm mowing the Iawn! -What the hell's all that noise? -Brian, it was Bertram! He's gone into the past, and he claims he's going to Stewie, what's going on? Peter, what was that? Quick, Brian, into the time machine! Stewie, what the hell was that? Those were ripples in time, Brian, emanating from some point in the past.
And there's only one explanation.
Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors.
He must have succeeded, thereby changing the past and erasing me.
-But what has that got to do with -I created the universe, Brian! Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history, I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently create it.
So the universe never existed! But why didn't we disappear? I can only surmise that the explosion from my old return pad irradiated us in highly charged chronoton particles, allowing us to momentarily survive.
-Boy, that was Iucky.
-Yeah, things worked out.
Well, we have to stop him! Yes.
Unfortunately, Bertram took the return pad with him, so we'II only get one shot at this.
Ah! Here it is.
Now, we'II have to travel back in time to a point shortly before Bertram's arrival.
Get ready, Brian.
How Iong until Bertram arrives? I can't be certain, but I'd say about 15 minutes.
Where do you think we are? I don't know.
Looks Iike the Renaissance.
It does.
This doesn't count as our trip to Italy.
Brian, Iook! There's the Mona Lisa.
And it's unfinished! We must be in Leonardo da Vinci's studio.
Quick! Someone's coming! That must be Leonardo da Vinci.
Stewie, he Iooks just Iike you.
Da Vinci must be my ancestor.
Good Lord! That's who Bertram's here to kill! So that means you're Italian.
Of course! My Iove for SpaghettiOs and smoking on the toilet.
It all makes sense.
Ew! My God, da Vinci is your ancestor.
But why would Bertram go back this far to get rid of you? Ah, you're forgetting I initially encountered Bertram as a sperm in one of the fat man's balls, so he couldn't get rid of the fat man or any recent ancestor on my father's side.
Bertram had to go back enough generations to make sure he was snuffing out the ancestral source of my genius without affecting his own.
And apparently, it's Leonardo da Vinci.
DA VINCI: Boy, I'm sick of the pizza.
Well, we've gotta stop Bertram.
What are we gonna do? Don't worry, Brian, I'II come up with something.
Remember, I'm a genius.
Like Thomas Edison.
-Thomas, what are you doing? -Experimenting.
Brian, Iook! Mamma mia!What is this? Leonardo da Vinci, I presume.
Who are you, Iittle Iisping baby? Your assassin, you overrated caricaturist! -Stewie! -That's my name, don't wear it out.
See, that's brand new to him.
-Eh! -Eh! You're about to be yesterday's hopscotch chalk on a sidewalk, Stewie! Erased! Yeah, no, I got the metaphor, but, Bertram, if you erase me, you'II destroy the universe! What are you talking about? Listen to him, Bertram! It's true! Brian and I were trapped outside the space-time continuum, and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad.
The resulting explosion was the big bang.
So if you kill me, you're killing yourself and everything else that ever existed or will exist.
Worth it! You fool! Hey, Bertram, what's your favorite kind of bottled water? Huh? Mine's Arrowhead.
Wow, that was dramatic.
My God, he's really dead.
-This is it.
-Yeah.
But why hasn't the universe ceased to exist? I don't know.
Unless there's still a chance of me being born.
But da Vinci is dead.
Yes, but we're still here.
So I must have done, or will do, something that will save the universe.
If I can just figure out what that is Ugh, Bertram just voided his bowels.
That's it! The genetic material needed for my creation is inside me.
So I'II take da Vinci's place and pass it on.
-Wait, how did you get that from "bowels"? -Huh? I'm just wondering how you got that from You know what? I don't care.
Will that work, though? You taking da Vinci's place? Only one way to find out.
AII right, I'm going to send you back five minutes after we disappeared in the time machine.
If all goes well, the universe should be intact this time.
Good Iuck, old friend.
Hopefully, I'II be Ieaving you a future to return to.
I'm gonna miss you, Stewie.
Good Iuck.
You did it, Stewie.
You did it.
Uh, can I help you? -Are you Brian Griffin? -Yes.
-I'm from the Vatican, and this is for you.
-What is it? The Vatican has been holding this note for you for about 500 years.
It was Ieft to us by Leonardo da Vinci himself, with instructions that it be delivered to you on this exact date at this exact time.
Dear Brian, it's been a week since you left, and I'm pretty sure I've set things right.
So I've built a cryogenic stasis device and am placing myselfinside it, Ieaving instructions for it to be buried in very specific coordinates in what will be future Quahog.
If everything goes according to plan, I will ha ve spent the next 500 years buried beneath our basement.
Oh, my God! A tip is customary! Stewie! Stewie! Stewie, you okay? You gotta kiss him to wake him up.
What? I'm not gonna kiss you.
Stewie can't hear you.
He's not awake.
Only a kiss will wake him up.
Well, I better get Meg.
Oh.
Oh.
Where am I? Stewie, what the hell happened? Oh, well, shortly after you Ieft, da Vinci's girlfriend showed up, -so I injected her with my DNA.
-You had sex? -No, I put my DNA inside her.
-Right.
You had sex.
No, what are you not getting? I put a sample of my DNA in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase, the couch and the balcony.
-Well, whatever the case, thank God.
-Yeah, I know.
Oh, hey, I brought you something from da Vinci's workshop.
A candle? I can get a candle now.
You couldn't have grabbed me one of his original notebooks? You know, I didn't have to bring you back anything.
It's almost Iike you didn't.
English - US - SDH