Family Guy s09e17 Episode Script

Foreign Affairs

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there 's a family guy Lucky there 's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He 's a family guy And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.
Okay, and how many people live in your palace? -Umm.
Does the bird count? -Does the bird live here? - Yes.
-Then, yes, the bird counts.
-What is your primary source of income? -Umm.
And a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery.
Yeah, I'll just put sorcery.
Umm, are you gay, straight, or not sure? Uh, why are you asking me this? It's just I don 't write the questions.
-I know.
It just seems a little personal.
- Yeah, I understand.
You're free not to answer it if that's your choice.
No, no, no, it's okay.
You can put "not sure.
" All right.
I'm off to Paris.
You guys going to be okay without me for a week? Ugh, I don't know.
I mean, who's going to put those three magazines in a neat stack on the coffee table? Lois, I realize you're excited about going away with Bonnie and all, but could I not have to hear about the trip when you get back? I know you're going to have pictures and stories, and I just don't want to be involved in any of that mess.
-You ready to go, Lois? -I sure am.
Oh, my God, Bonnie.
We're going to have such a good time.
I know, and it's going to be so much fun going with you.
Joe hates to fly 'cause they always put him underneath with the dogs.
Indonesia better be worth it.
Bye, everyone.
Kids, you mind your father while I'm gone.
Love you.
-Bye, Mom.
Oh, Peter, I almost forgot.
Here's some money for groceries and a list of the kids' schedules.
The fat man in charge for a week? He's going to be in over his head.
Like when he was a boxing coach.
Punch him! Punch him again! Punch him! Punch him now! Again! Now you're getting punched! Punch back! Don't let him hit you! Get out of the way! Punch him! You know what I'm going to tell you.
-I got to punch him -You got to punch him more.
-Hey, you ever check Joe's Facebook? -Ugh, I know.
"Hitting Cheesecake Factory again.
So amped.
" And then the symbol that means "wink.
" Really? I mean, like, why the wink? I mean, is there something that we're supposed to be in on? Is he not going there? Is he not amped? And who cares if he is, you know? Dick.
Coming up, our horribly outdated scams reporter, Ken Redowski, gets angry about a product you don 't care about.
-Digital bathroom scales! - Thanks, Ken.
This just in, there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at James Woods High School.
Goat flu? You got to be kidding me.
Every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing.
-Yeah, it's nothing.
-I know.
Every year, it's nothing.
Well, now, hang on.
There might be something to this.
Health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available.
And ifyou're not scared yet, here 's some footage ofpeople sneezing at a salad bar.
Oh, dear.
Here 's some footage ofpeople licking subway turnstiles.
Oh! Here's some footage ofa man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep.
Oh, my God! While James Woods High remains open, students are reminded to wash their hands frequently and watch for early signs ofinfection.
Oh, my God.
I got to get the kids out of there.
What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about homeschooling, Brian.
Just until the crisis is over.
Peter, that's a complete overreaction.
I don't think Lois would be happy if you pulled the kids out of school.
Well, she left me in charge, didn't she? And besides, you know me.
When I set my mind to something, I am not easily deterred.
Like when I tried out to be an Olympic gymnast.
Ahh! -You did it, Peter.
-Why'd you shoot me? Because I'm weird, creepy coach.
Now, let me give you inappropriate personal shower while I smoke and forbid you to see parent.
This is Somebody should look into this sport.
Uh, I'd like to apologize for yesterday, when I assigned you lab partners.
It has come to my attention that this is an English class.
Griffin? Chris, Meg, I spoke to your father on the phone, and he said you needed to be removed from school.
I didn't believe it was really him at first, but then I received another call from the very person who I thought was pretending to be him.
It caused quite a stir in my office.
Come on, children.
-ls everything all right? -Everything's fine.
It's me.
I just dressed up like your father to jazz your teachers and get you out of here.
-What do you mean? -I'm taking you out of here.
That place is riddled with goat flu, so I'm gonna home school you kids.
Oh, okay.
-Dad, where'd you get this car? -I borrowed it from Quagmire.
He's not home 'cause he got abducted by aliens last night.
So, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? -ls that -No, that's more or less been retired.
I see, I see.
Do you still have the thing? Oh, my God, what a beautiful room.
Paris is so incredible.
I can't believe we're really here.
I know.
Look at all the people on the street.
Not a lot of people of color here, but the ones that are black are really black.
I've noticed that, too.
All right, I've got our whole day planned.
First, we'll go to the Louvre.
Then, we'll go shopping along the Champs-Élysées.
Uh, Lois, I should probably tell you, I didn't come all the way here to go to museums and shops.
Well, I don't understand.
Why'd you even want to come here, then? Lois, I came here to have an affair.
An affair? With who? -Anyone.
-My God.
Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sightseeing first? All right, settle down.
-Good morning, class.
-Morning, Dad.
We're going to need a few things for this class, an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge, but one thing we won't need is this.
That's right, I know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and Dracula capes, but not this one.
There will be no pretense in this classroom.
There will only be open minds and new horizons.
Get ready for adventure.
I know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not Mr.
This is what my class will be, this! Learn with me! -Let's teach each other! -Yay, learning! Chris, A.
Meg, F.
Ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation.
Oh, Bonnie, would you look at that? I've never seen anything like that before, a croissant with almonds on it.
And could you bring me a beer? Oh! I feel so elegant.
-What are you going to have? -You know what I'd really like? A piece of that.
Bonnie, for God's sake, stop it.
Lois, I already told you, I'm in Paris to have an affair.
I'll even do a Muslim if I have to.
But I just can't believe you'd throw away all those years with Joe just to have some silly fling.
I'm not throwing anything away.
Joe and I have been growing apart for a long time.
Besides, we've had a good run.
-We've been married for 80 years.
-You what? Well, that's in married-to-a-handicapped guy years.
Go, Dallas Cowboys, huh? -Hello.
-Excuse me? You are American, no? I very much admire your Garry Shandling.
Look, I know where you're going with this, and we're not interested, okay? So you might as well just keep moving.
I'm interested.
Would you like to sample a warm French baguette? Oh, my.
My intention is to defecate on you.
I'd almost forgotten what it's like to be romanced.
-Come on, Bonnie, we are leaving.
-What? Look, I'm doing you a favor.
My stool will sleep alone tonight.
Bonnie, this is insanity.
Promise me you'll put this whole affair thing out of your head.
Lois, I'm just having fun.
You're playing with fire.
Look, no marriage is perfect, but Joe's the man you gave your life to, and besides, you have a little girl.
You really want to be setting this kind of example? I guess you're right, Lois.
It's just that sometimes I feel like I don't even know Joe anymore.
It's like I've become a different person, and so has he.
Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA CHORUS SlNGERS: Good morning, USA! All right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the Old West, where brave pioneers survived against long odds.
Honey, I have to go into town to get some supplies, so I'm probably going to die, but if I don't, I'll see you in 18 months with a canvas bag of salt and a tin of whale fat for the children.
I've dug graves out back for all of you in the likely event that you, too, shall perish.
You were a good man, Abraham.
Please scrawl that on a rough-hewn piece of wood in my honor.
I shall.
The reign of Henry Vlll.
Did you enjoy what I just did for you, sire? Yes, very much so.
Wow, when this is over, I am definitely keeping her head.
Joseph Smith discovering the Book of Mormon.
An old Con Ed bill I mean, a new testament of Jesus Christ! Everyone has to sleep with me! -What? -And no dancing! But recent years have also seen many important historical events.
music video of all time.
Okay, Tokyo - South America! France! - Australia! - Germany! Africa! - U.
! Calling out around the world Are you ready for a brand-new beat? Summer's here, and the time is right For dancing in the street Dancing in Chicago Dancing in the street Down in New Orleans Dancing in the street In New York City Dancing in the street All we need is music, sweet music CHORUS SlNGERS: Sweet music There'll be music everywhere CHORUS SlNGERS: Everywhere They'll be swinging, swaying, records playing Dancing in the street Ohh! It doesn 't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy, grab a girl Everywhere around the world They'll be dancing Dancing in the street CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street It's an invitation across the nation A chance for folks to meet They'll be laughing and singing And music swinging Dancing in the street Philadelphia, PA CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street Baltimore and D.
now CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street Don't forget the motor city CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street On the streets ofBrazil CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street Back in the USSR CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street Don't matter where you are CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street All we need is music, sweet music CHORUS SlNGERS: Sweet music There 'll be music everywhere CHORUS SlNGERS: Everywhere They'll be swinging, swaying, records playing Dancing in the street Ohh! It doesn 't matter what you wear Just as long as you are there So come on, every guy, grab a girl Everywhere around the world They'll be dancing Dancing in the street CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street Way down in L.
Every day Dancing in the street CHORUS SlNGERS: Dancing in the street Crossing China, too Me and you Dancing in the street That happened, and we all let it happen.
All right, class, two things today.
I'm no good at math, and I don't have a certificate to teach driver's ed, so I hired a math tutor and a driver's ed guy.
Okay, so, do you use my car, or do you have, like, a special one you brought? -Umm, I'm the math tutor.
-Really? No way! -So that means you're the -Driver's ed instructor, yes.
Well, I'll be a son of a gun! All right, time to learn math from a black guy, I guess! Oh! This is such an amazing city! Like, I could see them having a special episode of The Biggest Loserhere.
Lois, didn't you see I tied a tampon to the doorknob? No.
What does that mean? It's what we used to do in our sorority when we had company.
Company? What are you Oh, my God.
Look, Lois, don't make a big deal about it.
I just needed a change from Joe.
Lois, this is François.
Oh! You're serious.
Okay, students, 40 of you will begin this course, but only ten of you will finish it.
Why is every day an introduction to the course? Now I know some teachers think they're working outside the box when they have class on the lawn.
Well, I'm gonna take it a step further.
We're gonna do peyote in the desert.
Oh, it's beautiful! Everything is so beautiful! Come dance with me, Dad! Soon, Meg, soon.
But first I must inhale.
And again.
And again.
Let's go to the Hollywood Hills and kill a bunch of people.
Oh, Bonnie, if I were a skunk and you were a cat who kept repeatedly wandering into areas where there was wet paint, I would look at that stripe on your back and think you were another skunk, and I would try to rape you.
And it would be legal because we are in France.
Oh, François, it's like I'm in a dream.
Bonnie, I have something very important to ask you.
What is it? I have so enjoyed your intimacy these past few days.
Will you stay here with me? Here? In Paris? Oh, there you are, Bonnie.
I've been looking all over for you.
Lois, this is good timing.
There's something I need to tell you.
What is it? François has asked me to stay here in Paris with him.
Oh, my God, you're not gonna do it, are you? Well, I don't know.
I'm thinking about it.
I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.
You can't do this, Bonnie! Oh, is that right? Now you're telling me what I can and can't do? I invited you on this trip to hang out while I have sex with strangers, and this is how you repay me? I'll see you back at the hotel.
I apologize for my friend, François.
So, will you stay with me? Well, it's tempting.
Paris is such a perfect city.
Ah, that is not entirely true.
We have a lot of mime-on-mime violence.
All right, class, today's final exam will consist of two parts, oral and anal.
Dad, we got to go back to school, real school.
-What do you mean? -The goat flu outbreak at school is over, and honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.
Meg, you couldn't be wronger.
You're learning everything.
-Chris, dates Battle of Hastings! -I don't know.
-Franco-Prussian War! -I don't know.
-Sherman's March to the Sea! -I don't know.
-Cuban Missile Crisis! -No idea.
-Trail of Tears! -Never heard of it.
-Death of Charlemagne! -What is that? -Treaty of Augsburg! -I got nothing.
-Cortés reaches South America! -Pumping a dry well.
-Teapot Dome Scandal! -Sounds fake.
-September 1 1th, 2001! -Also sounds fake.
-The Bronze Age! King James Bible! -Nope.
-San Juan Hill! -No! -Wounded Knee! Great Schism! -Stop.
Dad! I'll take you back to school.
Oh, there you are.
Hurry up now, Bonnie.
We're gonna miss our plane.
Lois, I've thought a lot about this, and I'm not going with you.
What? What do you mean? I'm staying here with François.
I see.
You know, I thought you might say something like this, and that's why I called someone who might be able to change your mind.
Joe, what are you doing here? I came as soon as Lois told me, Bonnie.
Please don't do it.
I'm sorry that I've been neglecting you lately, but I love you and I need you.
Please come home with me.
Oh, Joe, I'm sorry.
This is so hard.
Think about what we have together, honey.
Think about our little girl.
-You need to come home with me.
-Bonnie, stay with me.
I promise, it will take three years with this accent before you figure out I'm just a normal jerk.
Bonnie, listen to me.
I'm your husband.
He may be your husband, but I would do anything for you.
Well, there's one thing he can't do.
Bonnie, I didn't think it would have to come to this, but I can see there's only one way left to prove my love to you.
Joe! I don't believe it! You're walking! I am! I am! I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
Joe, I love you! I love you so much! I love you, too, Bonnie! Let's go home, Joe.
Bless you, my son.
Hi, I'm Father McNamara.
Do you want to enjoy all the body of Christ without the boring paper-like flavor? Well, now you can.
With Jeez-lts.
Flesh ofhis flesh.
With the amazing flavor ofreal Wisconsin cheddar.
Jeez-lts, they'll have you saying, "Oh, my God! That's good.
" But don 't take my word for it.
Think ofme when you eat this.
I'm delicious.
That was Jesus who just said that.
You know what? You can keep your Paris, France.
I'll take Quahog any day.
I mean, all that place is, is skinny guys rubbing up against you in buses and subways, jabbing you in the thigh with their thing.
Yeah, countries is weird.
But at least you helped save Joe and Bonnie's marriage.
I know.
Those two lovebirds haven't left their bedroom since we got back.
Ahh, romance.
Speaking of which, we ain't boofed in a whole week.
-Yeah, but what about the kids? -Ah, they're back at school.
Turns out I wasn't quite the professor I thought I was.
This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other! Chris, you know this.
Sherman's March to the Sea! Yes! Finally someone gets it! Ahh! Fuck children! My cock-sucking elbow! All the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Ahh! It's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Ahh! I am so fucked! English - US - SDH