Family Guy s10e01 Episode Script

Lottery Fever

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do Uh, uh, hold it.
Hold it.
What-what what's going on here? I'm pregnant.
You you're what? Yeah.
We're in the middle of a thing here.
Well, you didn't return any of my texts.
So what-what so what's going on? You-you you want, like, a a ride to the place? Peter, what's going on? What's going on, Lois, is that this girl is obviously not well, and I have just learned that she's been stealing from the show, and she should probably be escorted out of the building.
Nah, nah Family Guy.
ANNOUNCER (over TV): We now return to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, edited for goats.
KHAN (over speaker): Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet.
Buried alive.
Buried alive.
(bleating) Lois, I need $28,000.
For what? I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant.
What do you know about sushi? I don't care about the sushi.
I just want to yell at customers when they walk in the door.
(speaking faux Japanese) Here comes a black guy! Peter, you're not getting money for that or anything else.
We're running seriously low on cash right now.
In fact, I may have to get my own full-time job.
Geez.
Are we really living that close to the edge? You know we are, Brian.
Why do you think we waited so long to take you to the groomer's last month? Hey, isn't it time for me to get a haircut? Oh, no.
I think you just got one.
Are you sure? 'Cause I feel like my nails are really long.
Yeah, I'll check, but I'm pretty sure it's not for another couple of weeks.
(panting) What day is this? Like it or not, we're going to have to start living on a strict budget for a while.
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker, and this is News I thought you were going to sing with me, Joyce.
Okay.
Our top story tonight.
The Rhode Island State Lottery has climbed to a record $150 million jackpot.
That's right, Tom.
Powerball fever has officially gripped Quahog.
We sent Channel Five News Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa around town to get the public reaction.
Mayor West, what do you plan to do if you win the lottery? Well, I'd finally splurge and buy myself one of those fancy four-piece suits.
I'd like to join your country club.
I assume that won't be a problem.
And how about you, every Persian guy in the world? ALL: White BMW.
There you go, Lois.
That's the answer right there.
We'll just win the lottery.
In fact, I'm going to go buy my winning ticket right now.
Peter, what's wrong? It's, uh, nothing.
I'm just going to wait a minute.
There's teenagers in skinny jeans out there.
Everyone, I got big news.
We are going to be rich.
Oh, my God, Peter.
There are thousands of lottery tickets here.
Where did you get the money for all these? Simple.
I took out a second mortgage on the house.
What?! Peter, this is idiotic.
Your odds of winning are like 100 million to one.
Don't you know the lottery is just a tax on stupid people? Would you be saying that if the prize was 150 million bags of the neighbor's garbage? But it's not.
I mean I mean, is it? It's that-that is an unrealistic, unfair question.
Peter, Brian's right.
How can you be so irresponsible? You take these tickets back right now.
No way, Lois.
We're going to win.
I got lots of good karma built up from doing those USO shows.
(laughter) So, apparently, they found a weapon of mass destruction-- my putter.
(laughter) All right, boys.
Go get 'em over there.
And now, please welcome Mr.
Bruce Jenner.
(cheering and applause) (jazzy burlesque music plays) (sailors cheering and whistling) Just wanted to remind you fellas what you're all fighting for.
Okay, this is it, you guys.
They're going to announce the winning lottery numbers.
Time for the Griffin family to meet its destiny.
When we lose, I'm getting a divorce.
Understood.
We're here live in our studio where a checkout girl in a cheap dress who wants to be a model is ready to draw the winning numbers.
"E!" TUCKER: That's a three, honey.
Turn it around.
This.
Thirty-one.
Spooky ghost mouth.
That's a zero.
Snowman.
Eight.
Two sailboats.
Forty-four.
Seventeen.
No, that's Oh, yes, that is 17.
She's good at 17.
Well, folks, those are our winning numbers.
Good luck to all of our Twenty-four! No, that's it.
We're done.
Anyone watching, do not count 24.
Somebody turn the machine off.
N-Nikki, Nikki, that's good.
That's good.
Go go wait in my car.
All right, you did good.
Going to take her to Walt's Roast Beef.
All right, kids, we got 200,000 lottery tickets we got to check.
All right, how do you want to do this? A static shot of the house where night turns into day or a montage song that over-explains what we're doing? Um, that second one sounds like it could be funny.
Checking lottery tickets Looking at the numbers And seeing if they match the ones on the news If they do, then we're winners If they don't, then we put them In the designated pile For tickets we already checked This is taking forever That's why Brian is yawning And Stewie's rubbing his eyes The montage is almost over That's why the music and the vocals Are fading out right now.
Well, that's it.
Three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets.
Those weren't the lottery tickets.
That was a test.
These are the lottery tickets.
Is this another test? Yes.
These aren't the real lottery tickets, either.
These are the real lottery tickets.
So, in addition to buying you had 400,000 fake ones printed up? I had to be sure.
Oh, my God.
We won! What? Let me see that.
Yes! We won the lottery! I'm getting a penis butler.
Sir? All right, butle my penis.
Butle it! This is awesome.
Now that we're rich, our lives are going to be so much better.
You sure it was such a good idea to cash that lottery check? It seems foolish to have all this money lying around.
Oh, you'd rather have it down at the bank where the Jewish guys can leer at it? Yeah! All right! Money! (whistling) Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (phone rings) Hello? CARTER: Did you blow all your money yet? No, Daddy.
All right.
Call me when you blow all your money.
Love you.
Bye.
All right, so how are we going to spend our winnings? I'm going to get some supermarket fried chicken and eat it until I'm nauseous.
I'm going to finally get my gal that doodad she's been wantin'! I'm going to get a floor mirror to squat over and see what's making all that noise.
Okay, everybody just calm down.
We're not going to go crazy spending our winnings, and we're not going to let this money change us.
What are you talking about? This money is our ticket to the good life, starting now.
I just bought a giant room full of gold coins, and I'm going to dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.
(drumroll) Aah! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard, floor-like surface! Aah! Peter, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work? I quit my job, Lois.
You what? Yeah, we're rich now.
I don't need to be working.
Ah, you should've been there, Lois.
I told Angela what she could do with that job, just like I always fantasized.
Angela, I just want to thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation.
Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment.
Uh, I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me, and there is a giant poo on your desk.
Hey, Horace, another round for everybody.
(patrons cheering) Gosh, Peter, you're really being generous with your money.
Hey, what's the point of being rich if you can't share it with your pals, huh? Okay, wait, I-I got one.
Who would you rather do? Susan Boyle or a sex doll that's been passed around a fraternity? Well, have they been cleaning the doll? Please, these guys are Betas-- they're total animals.
Hey, I got one, Peter.
What would you rather do? Tread water where you are right now or increase your net worth fivefold within the next Huh? What? I what are you talking about? Well, my friend Marty is a whiz with chemistry, and he says he's come up with a new penis enlargement pill, and if we can bankroll him $100,000 in startup money, he'll triple our investment in a year.
Well, uh gee, I-I'm I don't, uh Peter, I've taken the liberty of mocking up some sales projections.
Wow, that's pretty good.
And this would be our net profits.
Yikes.
You know, Peter, uh, Bonnie's birthday is coming up, and I'll be gol-darned if I didn't go ahead and promise her that Stevie Nicks would come to our house and sing three songs to her.
(chuckling): Boy, do I got a big mouth, huh? Yeah, if you're going to open your mouth with the missus, stick to kisses, huh? (laughs) (both laughing) What neat humor.
What neat humor.
So what do say, Peter? Can you help us out? Of course I can, you dope.
We're pals, right? There you go.
Hey, Horace, give us three shots of your best bourbon.
And have that Russian waiter I like bring it over.
(jaunty intro plays) La la la la la la la la la la la Trololo La la la la la la la la la la la Ho ho ho ho ho Ho ho ho ho ho Ho ho ho ho ho Ho ho ho ho ho La la la la la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la la Ah la la la La la la la la la La la la la la Bop ba da da da da da da da La la la la la la.
Boy, you wouldn't guess from that smile that all his kids were stillborn, huh? All right, well, thanks again, Peter.
I got to head out.
I told my mother I'd visit her in the hospital.
Yeah, and I got to work.
I'm flying a leg to Minneapolis tonight.
Oh.
Yeah, I-I-I understand.
You you've got other things to do.
I-I just wrote you guys a couple of checks, but no, you you-you-you do your things.
What? No, I mean, I-I'm just saying, I-I thought friends hang out, do things with each other.
You know, especially when one friend gives the other friends a whole bunch of money.
Oh.
Well, I guess I could stick around.
Yeah, and I-I guess the co-pilot can fly the plane.
She's a woman and passengers are usually okay with that.
I once saw a deodorant commercial that had a woman pilot.
That's more like it.
From now on, we're all gonna do whatever I want to do.
'Cause I'm the one with the dough.
Okay, I guess that's fair.
Good.
'Cause what I want to do is stay here, get drunk and watch TV.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Michael McDonald During Allergy Season.
(gasping): Haa Haa-haa Haa-haa-haa-haa-haa Haa (sneezes): Haa-chu! Hey, Peter, you wanted me to watch the entire first season of True Blood and come show you where there was boob? That's right, I don't want to see any actual True Blood, just boob.
Yeah, well, I found some.
No! Anna Paquin boob does not count as real boob! That's like looking at a 12-year-old boy.
Geez.
Y-You should know that, Joe! You should definitely know that! Sorry, Peter.
Sorry doesn't show me nipples worth seeing! And as for you, Anna, you're dreadful and so is the program.
I didn't write it.
Yeah, but you know the people who do.
That Alan Ball-- you know him, right? Yeah.
How come everything he writes is so dreary? I don't know.
Tell him to cheer up! Things ain't so bad! This is a weird episode.
Okay, Quagmire, I want you to take the first bite out of this fudge pop, because that first bite is the one that really hurts.
Well, okay.
(grunting) Ah! Ow! Ow! Yeah, that's right "Ow.
" Now, you swallow that.
Don't you dare spit that out.
What's the difference? You got what you wanted.
I said swallow it! (gulps) Now, smear what's left of it on your face and look at me with your mouth open.
Look at yourself, you filthy whore.
I don't even want this now.
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do a synchronized duet of "Makin' Whoopee" while I shoot you with this BB gun.
That doesn't sound safe.
Action! (piano playing) Another bride She looks so gay Another June Oh, what a day Another sunny honeymoon Hip hip hoor (screams) Another seas (screams) Another reason For making whoopee Look, you aren't gonna shoot us in the eye, are you, Peter? Oh, no, Joe.
I wouldn't try to shoot you in the eye.
A lot of shoes We're throwing shoes A lot of rice It's all so ni (screams) Peter, it was really close to my eye! Relax, Joe.
I'm nowhere near your eye.
Hey, Joe, open your eye.
(screaming) Gotcha.
What the hell, Peter?! You shot him in the eye! Keep singing, you.
And keep your chin up, so I can see your throat.
No, no screw this! You're a jerk! Jerk? What kind of a way is that to talk to your friend who gives you money? Go to hell, Peter! We don't need your money! And we don't need friends like you! Yeah! We're out of here! Fine, go on.
I don't care.
I don't need you, I got money! You know, Peter, you used to be a great guy.
But ever since you won that lottery (screaming) Come on, Joe! (bleep) this guy! Aah! I'm here to audition for Fiddler on the Roof.
Come right in.
Peter, my God, what the hell are you wearing? It's a solid gold tuxedo, Lois.
I had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store for this.
Look, Peter, this is not who we are.
I'm worried the money is changing this family, and not the way you hoped.
Well, I was hoping it would make you shut up, so you're right.
You know, I spoke to Bonnie this morning, and she said you haven't talked to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.
Who cares? I don't need Quagmire.
And I certainly don't need Joe.
I got Money Joe.
(laughs) That's a good one, Money Joe! I don't like what this money is doing to us.
It's even affecting Brian and Stewie.
(yawns) I think I'm gonna take a nap.
What, here? Yeah, I had a giant mobile put in the sky so I can sleep wherever I want.
(mobile playing soft music) (sighs) This is nice.
I hope that bear comes around soon.
That's sort of my fave-- Oh, look, the bear! And it's not just them.
Chris has also been developing some very expensive tastes.
Model glue, sir? Well, what do we have today? Today we have a recent vintage procured just this morning from Michael's Hobby Shop.
Yes, that's very nice.
Bring me my finest rag.
Your fancy rag, sir.
You are relieved for the evening.
(inhales deeply) You don't see poor people doing this! Lois, don't you understand? We don't got any of our old problems anymore.
We don't have to worry about paying bills, we don't have to worry about saving dough.
All we got to do is enjoy ourselves.
Interested? (gasps) Oh, my God.
Peter, it's beautiful! Is it a blood diamond? Ah, the bloodiest.
The two kids who found it were forced to murder each other.
Oh, Peter, I love it.
Hey, you want to watch a DVD of the murder while we do it? I already watched it eight times, so I know exactly which part I want to blam at.
Chris, Meg, now that I'm a rich father, you will try to impress me, and I will remain distant.
Go.
Um, say, Dad, did I tell you I got second place in the yacht race? Hmm.
Sounds like somebody's dad is happier than me right now.
Well, um, how about this, Dad? The school paper is doing a story about me.
That's because I had it arranged.
Uh, I was thinking about joining the Army? No.
Meg, as a girl, your life holds no merit.
And, Chris, try as you may, you will never be as good as your older brother who died.
He was good at sports and talking.
Now, pardon me while I look at scrimshaw through a magnifying glass.
Ah, brave men all.
Lost sons of New Bedford.
That's good scrimshaw.
Ah, I never thought I'd be having high tea at the Park Barrington every single day.
Yes, it's nice to eat in a sea of white faces, isn't it? Waiter, have the chef prepare a bucket of your finest caviar, and then give it a helicopter tour of the city.
Very good, sir.
Very good indeed.
I hope it enjoys it as much as that Maine lobster I ordered.
And over there is the Rhode Island State House, the second largest self-supporting marble dome in North America.
Why the (bleep) am I doing this? I could've just said I did it.
Sir, about your bill Oh, don't worry, Carstairs, there's ample gratuity on there for you.
(chuckles): Nyah.
Well, actually, sir, your card has been declined.
(laughs): Oh, really? Well, I'm sure a brief call to my accountant will resolve this to our mutual satisfaction.
Hello, Schnozzenstein? This is Peter Griffin.
There seems to be some issue with our credit.
I told Carstairs you'd set everything straight.
What do you mean I'm broke?! What about all that money I sent to the Gayman Islands? They did what with it?! No, I don't want it back! I'm gonna miss you, Carstairs.
I shall miss you, too, sir.
With no one to look after, Carstairs fell into a deep depression from which he never emerged.
He died two weeks later.
Some say of a broken heart.
What, sir? But that was Carstairs.
I can't believe it.
We lost everything.
What do we do now? Well, seems like our only hope is the lottery.
Holy (bleep), we won twice and we're right back here again.
We had $150 million, and we blew through it in a month.
Yeah, but on the bright side, if this hadn't happened, we never would've met Kyle.
Hey.
Hello.
Hey there.
Hi.
What's up? And that's not even Kyle.
Peter, we can't live like this.
Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? Everything we had is gone! We have friends, Peter.
Not anymore, we don't.
They're good people.
They'll listen.
And they'll care what happens to us, even after everything that's happened.
You know, I'm still young enough you can drop me at the fire station, no questions asked.
Well, well.
Look who it is.
Who is it? It's me, Peter.
I'm standing right here.
This is a glass eye, Peter.
They had to remove the one you shot.
Oh, boy, that whole day was a mess, huh? What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible.
Look, you guys, I messed up bad.
Winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me and my family.
I thought being rich would solve all my problems, but all it did was make me forget what was important.
Like who my real friends are.
I don't expect you to forgive me, but if, for some reason, you do, you can find me in a cardboard box on the corner of Meeting and Thayer.
Peter, wait.
That corner's a bit of a hike for me.
I'd rather just come see you at home.
What-- where'd you get this kind of money? The penis enlargement pill you gave me the startup money for.
It turned a pretty nice profit.
I guess it's only fair that I give you my percentage so you can get your house back.
Quagmire, I don't know what to say.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And if it makes you feel better, it was money well spent.
Just ask Sandra the waitress over there.
We had a great time last night.
PETER: Tough girl.
Made it into work.
Boy, I got to say, it's good to be home.
Yeah.
Despite all the ups and downs, things turned out for the best.
I mean, really, we're no worse off than we were before.
Plus, we learned something.
And you can't put a price on that.
Look, Lois, we all know what happened.
We're all depressed.
All right, let's just go to different rooms and stare blankly out the window, saying nothing.
Congratulations to tonight's sweepstakes winner, Daniel San Martin Marrero.
MODEL: Shapes.
Shut up.