Family Guy s10e02 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Our top story tonight, we continue to track the progress of Hurricane Flozell.
The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory, and is urging everyone to stay indoors for at least the next 36 hours.
No! What happened?! The wind must have knocked the satellite dish loose.
Aw, crap.
And I was going to watch G.
I.
Jose.
Oh, no! You cut your forehead! What do we do? Hey, kids if you have an open wound, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding.
Then get some sleep and wait for the body to heal itself.
Now we know.
And like I always say: "Remember, you know enough.
" G.
I.
Jose! Nice.
Brian, what are you doing? Geez, Stewie.
Scared the crap out of me.
Whatcha got there? Okay, I'll tell you; but you can't tell anyone.
All-All right? You have to be really cool about this.
Yeah, of course.
These are mushrooms.
It's a psychedelic drug.
Makes you see weird things and feel happy for a few hours.
I figure we're going to be stuck inside f a while with this storm, so it'll be a fun way to pass the time.
Okay.
Are you gonna be cool? Oh yeah, I'm totally cool about that.
I-I-I-I have a lot of friends who do it, and they're willing to do it around me all the time, because they know I'm so cool about it and I don't judge them.
So, you know, go ahead Well, here we go.
Yup, that's what my friends say, too.
"Well, here we go.
" Oh dude, I think I can feel it, too.
I'm gettin' a context high.
I'm bored.
Yeah, this sucks.
What are we supposed to do all day? Well, how about we play charades? Ooh! Yeah.
O-okay.
Me first! Me first! Okay, it's a movie.
All right? Movie.
Movie.
Peter, there's no talking in charades.
O-Okay, sorry, sorry.
Okay.
(whispers) Movie.
Peter! Sorry.
Sorry.
Okay, one word.
Peter, you're still talking! Okay, okay.
Right, right, right.
Fletch.
Is it Fletch? It is Fletch.
What do you wanna do now? I got an idea.
How about you all sit there quietly while I make "Dad" noises? Brah-ha-hah! Brah-ha! Brah! Schumai.
Myah! go to the john.
Boy, the rain's really comin' down.
I know, I've never seen anything like it.
But it's kinda nice for us all to be together like this, huh? So, what do you guys wanna do now? Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang.
Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger- bang you, Chris.
Not if I finger-bang you first, Dad! Bang! Bang! I'm gonna finger-bang the two of you at the same time.
Bang! Bang! Hey, me too! Bang! Oh, no one wants to get finger-banged by you, Meg.
Why don't you just go do that to yourself, Meg? I think I'm gonna be sick.
Brian?! I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War Two.
Oh, God! Oh, God! I wonder Aha! What the hell were you trying to do, man?! Those mushrooms are messin' you up! Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes.
Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy.
All right, just stay calm, Brian.
You'll get through this.
I mean, you got through seeing Lady Gaga naked.
Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga-- gina big! And I will be right back with your Evian.
Don't worry, Brian.
I'm gonna stay by your side all night.
All right? Shh.
Shh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Do you like my soothing voice? Do you like my soothing voice? Re-re-re-re-return the map.
Re-re-re-re-return what you have stolen from me.
No! Oh, hey, I got an idea.
Let's have a sing-a-long.
Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Feel free to join in.
Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that?! That is so annoying! Oh that was annoying?! What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?! Meg, don't talk to your father like that! Yeah, shut up, Meg.
No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me! Oh, Meg.
That is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
Shh.
There, there, there.
Everything's gonna be fine.
You're all right.
I think I'm I think I'm dying.
Jane Fonda.
Is that i-i-is that is that is that right? Yeah, that's right, buddy.
Totally Jane Fonda.
It's gonna be okay.
Your pal Stewie is right here.
Just relax and get some rest Brian.
Hide! The wheels on the bus go round and round Round and round Round and round The wheels on the bus go round and round All through the town Peanut! Peeper Wanna have (hissing) sex? Groggety! Slip me some tongue.
Did you try the chicken, buddy? I think you gave me worms, Brian.
Brian Brian Brian Brian Brian! Brian.
Uh, Stewie.
Eh, uh Stewie? Yeah, I'm right here.
Oh, my God.
Your lip looks really weird.
Can we fix that? L-Let's get that out of there.
Ew.
Oh, I'm so thirsty.
Let's get you downstairs so you can drink some water.
All right, let's go, buddy.
Let's get you some water.
Okay, now-- Now, h-h-hold on.
Hold on.
Let me put the bowl down first.
You're gonna spill it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is.
I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
You know what? This is what I'm talking about.
This is a perfect example.
You're my brother.
You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me.
How am I a bastard?! Oh, you want the full story? Meg, please.
Not now, Mom.
I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why.
You say hurtful things to me constantly.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets? Still drinkin'.
Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg" family bandwagon? Aw.
Alright, Meg, that's enough.
You've had your little dramatic outburst.
Hey, I got an idea, Mom.
How about we talk about Chris' mother? Huh? Why don't we talk about you? Oh, for God's sake.
Look, let's not turn this into some big thing, okay? Oh Oh Oh, God, that feels so much better.
You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat.
Stewie just said that! Take it home with ya! Hey Hey, everyone.
I'm sensing a lot of negativity here.
What's going on? Yes.
You're right, Brian.
There is.
Meg seems to think she's taking some kind of stand here that's gonna make us all feel like we're inadequate.
My God, you're condescending.
Geez, look at those two.
They're goin' at each other like an Italian guy and a black woman.
Hey, you can't park here! Excuse me? Having been officially challenged by her natural enemy, the black female prepares for combat by taking off her many rings.
Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around to make sure the other Italian males are indeed seeing what he is seeing.
Sensing the impending battle, a flock of Jews flies quickly away, as avoiding confrontation is their best chance for survival.
Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Oh, my problems? Oh, I see.
Is this coming from my role model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her? Oh, so what? All those things are behind me now.
I'm a better person now because of those experiences.
Are you? Are you a better person? What's your point, Meg? My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Alright, well, fine, okay? I'm not the perfect mother.
Who is? Oh, not only are you not the perfect mother.
You're the farthest thing from.
From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you.
I had no choice.
I needed you to protect me from the world.
To to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person.
You have done none of those things.
You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a 17-year-long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago.
And honestly, when I turn 18 I-I don't know that I ever want to see you again.
Oh wow, everybody's already tweeting "Stewie Just Said That.
" You're right.
You're right.
I'm a terrible mother.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry, Meg.
Can you ever forgive me? Oh, God.
And you never let Dad stir the paint anymore, whatever that means.
I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.
Oh, Meg, I don't know what to say.
All of those things you said about me are true.
I have been a very bad mother to you.
I have no excuse.
I just have this horrible, overwhelming desire to point out faults in you.
I don't know where it comes from.
Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a bad parent.
I'm just, I'm so disgusted with my behavior.
And I'm so sorry, Meg.
Yeah, you're a bitch.
Well, you know, I, I been sorta just hangin' back here, takin' all this in, 'cause I didn't think I had a dog in this fight, but my money's on Harry Potter over there.
Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass? Well, I don't know if it's funny.
I-I think it's clever.
I mean, y-y-you got the big glasses there I-I-I don't know.
T-T-Tell me, tell me what's on your mind.
Oh, I'll tell you, Mister Selfish-ass Dad.
Hey.
That's "Mister Mister selfish-ass Dad" to you, young lady.
Oh God, is she gonna do me next? You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.
All right, I see what's goin' on here.
You're in love with your old man.
You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do whenever you want to do it without regard for anyone else.
Oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family.
You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it.
If someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail! Oh, ha ha.
Oh, this is amusing to you.
Well, see if you find this funny.
I like where this is going.
You are a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar Irish Catholic dad who drinks way too much and barely makes enough money to support his family.
You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it.
Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us; we're a disaster.
Eh, watch it.
You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way.
Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin.
You're a waste of a man.
Wait a second, these are criticisms.
Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.
Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me? I was thinking about getting a fancy cane.
Maybe getting more attention from strangers.
Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses? Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears! That's unrelated.
Chris, I don't like that language.
Well, I don't like your cooking.
Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry.
You're the one who's always cookin' Brussels sprouts and broccoli.
It's like an Irish bar fight down there.
You're from one town over, so I hate your guts.
Why don't we ever get any good food?! Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread.
Well, then go live at Bonnie's house.
Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5:00 a.
m.
My curiosity peaks in the morning! You eat all my Dannon yogurts! I don't see your name on 'em! You don't even like them! But you know I do, and you don't want me to have them! You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter.
Yeah, that's exactly what he does! 'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot! You shut up, all of yous! I didn't ask to be in this family! Ugh, I'll go get him.
Peter? You come back here! I faked all my orgasms! Hey.
What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.
I don't know, Brian.
I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.
What do you mean? They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.
Well, so what? That's not your problem.
Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction? Well, that's a that's a theory, I guess.
I mean, it-- it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide.
Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.
Wow.
You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg.
You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.
You mean that, Brian? Absolutely.
Mom? Dad? Dad? Go away! Dad, come out of there.
No! I don't deserve no better than livin' with the shoes! Peter, there you are.
You guys, I have something to say.
You're right.
It's all my fault.
What? Mom, you're an amazing mother and all the things I said about you were out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.
Chris, you're an outstanding brother.
What I said about you was more about me being a rotten sister.
And Dad, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way.
You don't deserve it.
None of you have done anything wrong.
I took all my problems out on you guys, and that wasn't fair.
Oh, so this was all about you, it wasn't about us.
Yeah.
Alright, that makes sense.
See, I thought it was weird that I was a bad dad.
Meg, how could you put us all through that? I'm sorry, you guys.
You're a (bleep) bitch! Yes.
Yes, I am.
Hi, I'm Stewie Griffin.
Tonight's Family Guy was a very special episode about drug use.
But the simple fact is, it's no laughing matter.
To learn more about drugs, visit your local library.
There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs.
Good night.