Family Guy s12e02 Episode Script

Vestigial Peter

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Peter, come on, get dressed.
We're late for church.
I don't want to go to church.
I always feel like that priest has it in for me.
Body of Christ.
Body of Christ.
Butt of Christ.
Aah! Lois, trade me.
No.
You're not wearing that to church, are you? What? Yeah.
Why not? This is what I always wear.
She's right, man.
It's Sunday.
Get noticed.
I'll be in the car.
I'm getting tired of you wearing the same thing every day.
Look, that shirt's got a hole in it.
I'd like to point out that Jesus wore the same thing every day.
And you didn't hear Alice giving him a hard time about it.
Who? Wasn't that her name? Let's just get to church.
And afterward, you're going to the mall to go clothes shopping.
Well, you're coming with me.
Last time I tried shopping without you, it was a disaster.
Hey, I'm home.
I got groceries.
You what? Yeah, I was driving past there, and we were out of some stuff, so I You listen to me, you son of a bitch! I've got one thing in this lifetime! One thing.
(groaning) You always say I never do anything around here.
Yeah, I like saying that more than I like you doing things.
Dad, I got the rest from the car.
Where? Chris, run! You were right! She didn't appreciate it! Oh, crap! CHRIS: Ow! That's right.
I do groceries.
All right, even though we just walked in, and this whole place is one hallway, let's consult the map.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
(gunshot) I'll bet we can find you some new clothes in here.
PETER: Hey, Lois, are you sure this place is for men? Yes, Peter, it's for everyone.
Really? 'Cause this-this kind of looks like a dress.
Peter, it's fine.
Come on out.
Ha! You gaybo! Hang on, Peter.
I'm gonna go look for a couple things for me in here.
I'll be right back.
Okay, Lois, I'll be right here, standing uncomfortably close to the unnecessary piano player in the middle of the mall.
So, what's it like now that you've made it? Did you ever have a bank account full of pedestrians' disinterested smiles? You're amazing.
I'm gonna sit Indian-style on top of your piano.
There aren't enough verses in any song I could write that would express how much hatred I have in my heart.
You talk like a book.
Hey, Lois, how about we try Sears? They got good stuff.
Peter, nobody's been in Sears for decades.
Oh, come on.
When I was a boy, we always used to go clothes shopping at Sears.
Trust me.
They'll have everything I need.
What the hell happened here? Look out! (muffled speaking) He wants to know who you are.
We seek clothes for the cold times.
(muffled speaking) He says he'll take you to the clothes for herbs and meat.
Well, we can probably come up with some herbs and meat, right, Peter? Peter? I'm with them now.
No girls allowed.
(tires squealing) See, Lois, now, this is more like it.
What the hell? Why won't this button? It's the same size I always get.
Maybe you put on a few pounds, sweetie.
Lois, I weigh the same that I weighed in grade school.
Perhaps it's this lump on the side of your neck, sir.
Oh, my God, Peter! How long have you had that thing? I-I don't know.
We got to go see Dr.
Hartman right away.
Oh, my God, what if it's something serious? It's all right, it's all right.
We'll be in good hands with Dr.
Hartman.
He handled my reassignment surgery.
I think, emotionally, I've always been a lizard, you know? And now, I feel comfortable finally in my leathery, scaly skin.
Kids, if you need me, I'll be on the wall making rapid, darting glances.
Is this just to get out of my parents' visit? No.
(doorbell rings) BABS: Hello! No, you're stupid! Oh, hello, Griffins.
What can I help you with today? Dr.
Hartman, Peter has a huge lump growing on his neck.
Mrs.
Griffin, that's called a "head.
" I've been fooled by that one before.
Well, will you take a look at it? I think it might be a tumor.
Okay, let's have a look.
Oh, yes, it appears that there is a Great rack, by the way.
Thank you.
Well, thank Grandma Griffin, really.
It appears you have a subcutaneous vestigial twin growing on your neck.
What is that? Well, it's an incomplete twin that never developed into a fully-formed person but still exists as a growth feeding off your body.
Now, hold still.
I'm just gonna give you a little topical anesthetic, and we'll have a closer look.
(high-pitched voice): Hi, everybody! Aah! What the hell is that?! Oh, my God! It's a little me! Well, it looks as if he's more fully formed than we thought.
Wow, your wife is gorgeous! Is that a foot? Almost! This is awesome! Finally, I'll have an interesting silhouette for the beginning of my spoken-word jazz.
(stand-up bass plays slow jazz) I left my poem at home.
MALE ANNOUNCER (over TV): We now return to Quantum Creep.
Al, what year is it? Cool.
I'm gonna go show my penis to some kids.
Hey, Dad.
How'd it go at the hospital? Kids, remember how when you were little, you always wanted a neck uncle? No.
Well, now you got one! (screaming) What is that thing?! This is my vestigial twin.
I named him Chip.
You know, like "chip off the old neck.
" I like to poke him 'cause it makes him happy, and I feel it a little bit in my nads.
(both giggle) Well, keep that freakish thing under wraps.
I don't want it cramping my style while I'm macking on toddlers.
See you around, bitch.
You know, Lois, a lot of times you go into someone's house, and it's just a house, but you can tell this is a home by all the love here.
Aw! Aw! Aw! Aw! Peter, this seems unnatural, and, quite frankly, dangerous.
Hey, you must be the owner of that Prius outside.
Thanks for saving the world.
He gets it.
He gets what we Prius owners are trying to do.
Wow, the world is such a cool place.
There's so much I want to do and see! Oh, he's such a great energy to have around.
Ah, Chip, I am gonna show you all kinds of cool stuff.
My Hot Wheels, my lawn darts, even my new musket.
(rapid, rhythmic whirring) Peter, what the hell are you doing? Lois, I thought I heard a noise downstairs.
Go stall 'em for 20 minutes and pray that it's not too damp in here.
(strums chord) Man, how do you know so many songs? Oh, when you're trapped under a layer of fat, a muffled folk song is like manna from Heaven.
Give me a C.
(strums chord) Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah BOTH: Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah Sister, help to trim the sail.
Sister, help to trim the sail Hallelujah Sister, help to trim (roaring) Aah! Run! No, Peter, gently stroke his snout counterclockwise.
Wow, it's working.
There's a universal language for all creatures, and it's called love.
Now, how about that River Jordan? River Jordan is deep and wide Hallelujah Join us, bear! ALL: Milk and honey on the other side Hallelujah.
(strums ending chord) Good morning, boys.
What's in store for today? Well, I thought we'd start with a vigorous power walk around the neighborhood.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was thinking we would just watch Dr.
Oz and eat cold cuts off our stomach.
Those people ain't taking good care of themselves.
What?! But there's so much to do and experience! Did you know that the Quahog Museum has an interactive display on the history of the garment district? Oh, look, Chip, Chip, slow down, all right? You know, just because everything's new to you doesn't mean you have to do it all at once.
Peter, where's your sense of fun and adventure? You're starting to sound like a stick-in-the-mud.
Well, that stuff sounds exhausting.
I'm just being honest, like George Washington.
George, did you chop down our cherry tree? I cannot tell a lie.
Yes.
And what is this pamphlet I found under your bed called "The Boston He Party?" Not mine.
Wow! Is there any better time in the world than 11:00 a.
m.
on a Wednesday? You already have two days of hard work under your belt, and there's so much more work to come.
Look, I'm trying to get this stuff done here.
Griffin, did you finish those purchasing reports? Oh, that voice! It's like God sneezing! What the hell is this? They found a guy on my neck.
Hello there.
I've never met a supervisor, slash supermodel before.
Do you like crab? There's a knockout crab place right around the corner.
What the hell are you doing? I'm using my knowledge of the local food scene to get this woman to go to bed with me.
Well, now we know.
I can taste what he eats.
What are we watching? Oh, it's just a tennis match.
So this is tennis! (racket hits ball) Wow! (to tennis balls hitting): Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! MAN (on TV): That was just one point?! Federer and Hastings are known for their long rallies.
Federer to serve.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! And this is just the first game of the first round of a three-week tournament? Yay! (sighs) This is more painful than sitting through those parent-teacher-cheetah meetings.
So, in short, your kids are all doing great.
Keep reading to them every night, and I think we're gonna have a great year.
So unless there are any questions, thank you all for coming.
Uh, yeah, I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle.
(others groan loudly) I'll bring that up to the board.
Yeah.
See, I-I heard that last year, (chuckling): and here we are again.
Listen, Doc, is there any way you can have this thing on my neck removed? Well, Mr.
Griffin, your organs and his are intertwined.
That would be a highly dangerous procedure.
You could die.
On the other hand, if you live, I'll let you pick any prize off that shelf.
Even the tiny pinball machine? Oh, that-that shouldn't have been up there.
Look, Doc, you got to do the procedure, all right? I-I don't care if I die.
I mean, maybe in my next life, I'll come back as an air bag or something.
(rhythmic ticking) It's okay.
It's okay.
Peter's got you.
Don't you worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Is my wife okay? No, the ski boots that was in the back flew up and chopped her head off.
You can turn your blinker off now; it's very annoying.
Nurse, have somebody fix that clock.
It's very distracting.
All right, let's get this started.
(machine beeping) All right, halfway done.
Time for a break.
I hate myself For loving you Can't break free From the things that you do Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
Thank God Stewie's too little to understand.
Look at him over there, playing that board game.
Ah, three.
Okay, one, two Sorry! ANNOUNCER: Sorry! The board game that teaches you to be a dick.
Dr.
Hartman, is everything all right with my dad? Griffins, I'm afraid we lost him.
What?! Oh, my God! Hey, guys.
Oh, there he is.
It worked! I'm free at last! But what about Chip? Where's Chip? Hey, everybody, look who's walking! OTHERS: Chip! Oh, Chip, I'm so glad you're okay.
Yeah, and I'm okay, too.
So, uh, you know, Chip, now that you're a free man, this is a chance for you to go out and make a real life for yourself someplace.
I'll tell you what, anywhere you want to go, I'll FedEx you.
What are you talking about, Peter? Chip is part of our family.
He's staying with us.
What?! Yay! Yay! Awesome! Hey, hey, Dad? Yeah, I'm done.
Can you pick me up? Oh, that's okay; I have a book.
Oh, hey, Peter.
Lois, where's the couch? Chip redecorated the room to improve the feng shui.
He said our old furniture was blocking the flow of energy.
I had my life's fart savings in that couch! And where are the drapes? Chip took them to make play clothes for the children.
What?! (Chip and others laughing) (laughter continues) Oh, hey, Peter.
You're home.
Hi, Dad! Hi, Daddy.
We dug a lake for this! ALL: Whoa! Come out of that water at once! Gosh, isn't Chip wonderful? No, he's not wonderful, Lois; he's annoying.
I don't get why everyone's so in love with that guy.
What's so great about him? Well, to be honest, the same thing that used to be so great about you.
What? What are you talking about? Just that when you were younger, you were as passionate and full of life as him.
(high-pitched): Hey, boys, catch me if you can! Oh, crap! I didn't realize they had bikes! (groans) What are they gonna do when they catch me? Oh, boy, I got a back-of-the-head punch coming, I just know it! LOIS: It seems today that all you see What the hell? Is violence in movies And sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? What the? What the hell is going on here? You're singing our song without me? Oh, sorry, Peter, we couldn't find you.
Do you want to sing your part, Peter? Go ahead.
But where are the fashioned Good fashion I don't want to! (sobbing) I tell you, Chip is making my life a living hell, you guys.
Remind me again, Chip is that African kid you adopted? No, that was Chocolate Chip.
We gave him back to Kenya.
But I can't take it anymore.
I got to get rid of him.
Well, what are you gonna do? I don't know yet, but I'll come up with something.
After all, I'm the guy who invented "Choose Your Own Adventure or Have Pie in Bed.
" I picked the pie again.
Hey, welcome back to the Mikey Tony Magnanimous Hour, where real people get magnanimous about real things.
This week's real thing-- hey, Native Americans, if I saw you on the street begging, I'd throw a buck in your moccasin.
Next week's magnanimous thing-- I'm wearing this yellow bracelet.
You're welcome.
(growling) Peter, what the hell is that thing? It's a dingo.
I named him Bingo.
If you can't have fun with that, you're crazy.
(growling) Hey, Peter.
Wh-What's that? Oh, he's gonna turn you into a pile on Joe's lawn.
What?! Here, let's play steak catch.
Oh, boy, I got it! Hey, back to you, Peter! Ah, cool! Steak catch! I'm gonna use my one steak-in-the-pants time-out.
(growling) Aah! No! Not me! Not me! Attack him! Aah! Hey, um, it's 3:00 p.
m.
Should I give up on breakfast? Aah! Brian! Browser history-- clear it! Peter, that dingo was meant to eat me, wasn't it? Why would you do that? Because my life was fine before you showed up.
My family liked me, and-and I didn't feel bad about not ever doing new stuff.
Well, I never asked to grow out of your neck.
My life was better before I met you, too! You're a terrible brother, husband and father.
I'm out of here, and you could go to hell! Wow, what a nice day out! Look! A rainbow! I did it.
He's gone.
Just as easy as the creation of techno music.
Wait a minute, what key are we in? No, no, no, no, no, none of that.
Oh, hey, Peter.
Where's Chip? I haven't seen him all day.
He likes to yell out "Good luck!" after they read each lottery number.
He's gone.
I threw him out.
You what? No! Peter, how could you? Whoa, whoa, what are you all coming down on me for? Meg throws away people who come out of her body all the time, nobody says nothing.
Peter, Chip was a part of our family.
And he's so little.
He can get hurt out there on his own.
We got to go find him.
We should look for him in the ball pit at McDonald's.
You can just leave me there; I'll conduct the search.
Meg's right! Come on, kids, let's go find Chip and bring him back! You guys do whatever you want.
I got stuff to do, anyway.
I got to get ready for my Bar Mitzvah.
Baruch atah Adonai I want fancy things like my friend Ephraim I want the newest ten-speed bicycle That I will ride once, but then I will call my parents And have them come get me I want to swim in the pool but only with my shirt on I want to lose my virginity at 24 But tell everyone I was 16 Ah, crap, I'm out of beer.
Great.
I have to walk down these stairs the one day I wore heels.
(yelling) (screaming) (grunting in pain) Son of a bitch! I think I broke my leg! (grunting) There's no way I'm gonna make it back up those stairs.
(phone ringing) Nope.
Peter? It's me, Chip.
Listen, I I'm sorry for the mean things I said.
Help! Peter? Holy smokes! Peter, are you okay? These books was already down here! I'm not a nerd! Oh, my God! We got to get this leg set and get you to the hospital! Oh, cool.
That's the place with all the Ghostbusters cars! (grunts) (grunting) (loud grunting) (high-pitched flatulence) (giggles) If you had only done that while you were here, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Mr.
Griffin, you're a lucky man.
If it weren't for Chip here, you might have lost your leg.
The bad news is, we did an X-ray, and your body is full of a spooky skeleton man.
Gosh, Chip, I don't know how to thank you.
No problem, Peter.
You would have done the same thing for me.
You know, Chip, Lois was right about you.
You are special.
You've got all the sense of wonder that I somehow lost.
I got so used to watching TV and looking for tiny jean fibers in my nuts, I forgot there's a whole world out there to experience.
Thank you for showing me that.
As far as I'm concerned, you're a permanent part of our family now.
Well, that sure is nice of you, Peter, but there's a big old world out there.
I want to go out and experience it for myself.
ALL: Aw! Why? Well, I'm sorry to see you go, but I understand.
Oh, we're gonna miss you, Chip.
I'm too tough to cry, but I'm gonna miss you, too.
Safe travels, buddy, and keep in touch.
I will! Whee! Good-bye, Chip! Bye! Come back soon, okay? PATRICK STEWART: But Chip never did come back.
He became the new, young, funny kid on ABC's The Middle.
Wow! This is just a whole bunch of loud garbage!