Family Guy s12e03 Episode Script

Quagmire's Quagmire

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, thanks for helping me pick out a new computer, you guys.
Oh, no problem, Quagmire.
God, this place is always so crowded.
We gotta find someone who works here.
Can I help you, sir? Sorry, all I got is a quarter, pal.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
My buddy here is looking for a computer.
I would like to elect you president.
What are you doing? You gonna get a new phone while we're here? Maybe.
But I gotta see which one I wanna take in and out of my pocket every 30 seconds for the next six years.
What do you think, Peter? Peter? I touched a iPhone headphone.
You know what? I think I'm gonna go with this one.
Guy said it's the newest version.
Just came out this week.
Ah, good call, Quagmire.
You're gonna be like the first guy in the neighborhood to own a Model T.
See ya, suckers! I'll be there an hour after you with throw-up all over my legs! Are you getting excited for Halloween, Stewie? You know, we'll have to start thinking about your costume soon.
All right, but let's make sure we don't cover up this, all right? It's what puts candy in the bag.
Oh, look, Chris, here's your costume from the year you went as a condom.
What the hell are you supposed to be? Oh, Stewie, look! It's your very first teddy bear! Oscar? Wow, I remember that bear.
That's the one Grandma and Grandpa brought Stewie when he was still in the hospital.
Oh, and here's the card they sent me.
"Three kids on $40,000? Have fun with your crap life.
" I guess he got tucked away up here.
You want him back, sweetie? What, this old thing? No, no, thank you.
I've grown.
I've changed.
You sure you don't want him? I said no, okay? Don't you have a wedding dress to try halfway on and then cry about? Hello? Oh, hey, Quagmire.
What's up? Hey, Peter, I need some help with my computer.
I can't find my photos.
Did you look under "Photos"? What is that? It's a folder called "Photos.
" Yeah, I-I don't have that.
I just have 40 folders all called "New Folder.
" Okay.
You know what? Click on your hard drive.
Okay, now-now the arrow on the screen, that's me, right? Yeah, yeah, that's you.
Okay, now-now just Whoa-whoa-whoa! There's a calculator on this thing?! Listen, Quagmire, what are you trying to do? I just wanna put pictures of my cat on everyone's Internet computer.
Like, how do I do that? Okay, wait.
There's an agreement that just popped up.
Hang on.
L-Let me read the whole thing.
Just hit "Accept.
" Well, that seems a little foolhardy, doesn't it, Peter? Look, do we have to do this now? I'm watching something.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I-I'm just nervous that somebody else is gonna get pictures of their cat on the Internet first, and then I'll always be known as the second guy to get pictures of his cat on the Internet.
Quagmire, I don't know how to tell you this, but there's already cats on the Internet.
Wait, it's-it's giving me that pinwheel thing.
It-It's frozen.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, it crashed! The whole thing just crashed! Geez, Quagmire, calm down.
We'll figure it out.
No, Peter, the whole thing's fried! I can't even! Ah! damn it! What the hell?! Hey, you clicked "Accept.
" Hey, what's going on? You doing some reading there? Yes, well, you know I turn to poetry when matters of the heart weigh heavily on me.
"If you're happy and you know it, "then your face will surely show it.
"If you're happy and you know it, "clap your hands.
" Wait-- matters of the heart? What are you talking about? Well, Lois found my old teddy bear, Oscar, in the attic.
And I'm just not sure how to handle it, what with Rupert and all.
Who cares? Just play with them both.
I can't do that! Oh, it would be so awkward! Um okay.
Oscar was my well, he was my first, you know.
And that's always exciting.
But-but I've been with Rupert for so long now.
Most of our finances are intertwined.
We've built a life together.
On the other hand, Oscar Oscar's the only one who can really make me laugh.
I hate to say it, but I'm mostly with Rupert because of his insurance.
Stewie, I think you're overthinking this.
No, you're right.
You're right, Brian.
I'm with Rupert now.
I just need to forget Oscar.
No matter how intense our relationship was.
That's amazing.
It's like you took all the colors that exist and said, ", here's a new one.
" Hi, can I help you? Well, that depends.
Do you know how to fix pieces of junk?! Haven't been stumped yet.
Okay, I see what your problem is.
I-I-I tried to buy a sweater online, and I-I think I got a virus.
No, the porn's not the problem.
Your browser history shows that you've been going to kinkylatinas.
But that site has a bunch of malware.
Personally, I'd recommend College Latinas.
I mean, I wanna see Latinas, but I also want them to Speak English.
speak English.
Yes, exactly.
So you're into that kind of stuff, too? Uh-huh.
Would you, uh, would you have dinner with me? Absolutely.
Excuse me.
I bought this laptop here yesterday, but when I got home I noticed the apple already had a bite taken out of it! So, yeah, I was the first woman to ride her bike cross-country with no seat.
Gosh, that's neat, Sonja.
And-and where'd you go to college? I think Syracuse, but I don't know.
My face was buried in a pillow all four years.
Wow, sounds like you took a full class load.
Oh, Glenn, I'm so glad you asked me out.
Whenever I talk about stuff like this, most people look at me like I'm some kind of disgusting perv.
Me, too, but who cares? You should never be afraid to be different.
We kind of had a crazy night.
Yeah, we Did we? I don't really remember, but I do feel like I might be down a couple of quarts.
Well, even though you seemed like a sure thing, I really wanted to make sure.
Oh, my God! You roofied me?! Are you mad? No.
I'm in love! Sonja, honey, stay right here.
I just have to go to the bathroom.
Wait, Glenn.
Take this wine glass.
We can use it later.
My God, I I've never been so happy! I'm telling you guys, Sonja is the perfect woman.
She's every bit as kinky and as insatiable as I am.
Really? I thought you said she was just some computer geek.
She is.
Her mouth has enough storage space for a giggity-byte.
Oh! Geez, you changed your relationship status already? When you know, you know.
All right, but just be careful, ya know? You don't wanna rush an important decision.
I'll take the cheeseburger meal.
Would you like to make it an extra large meal? Uh N-No.
You sure? It's only Yes.
What the hell? Stewie, what are you doing up here? Brian! It's not what you think! All right, I came up here for a photo shoot and it just got way, way out of hand! You're having tea.
How is that out of hand? Is your shirt on backwards? Please! You can't tell Rupert I was up here, all right? He wouldn't understand.
He'll kill himself, Brian! He's been through so much already! He can't take much more! Brian, he watched his brother drown! Stewie, relax.
You're getting all worked up over nothing.
Says the guy who freaks out every time a fire engine goes by.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Peter, Peter, you hear that?! I'm matching the sound! Is what I'm doing helping? Glenn, why did you bring me here? Well, I've always had this fantasy of having sex on the basketball court in front of my high school principal.
Only problem is he's now completely senile.
Yeah, you like this, Principal Goodrich, huh? Remember you once suspended me for showing my wiener in school? I did? This isn't as much fun as I thought it would be.
I'm sorry, Sonja, I don't think I can finish.
You never could finish, Quagmire! Donahue, get in there! Okay, Glenn, now that we've covered ourselves in black ink, let's do it until we've created every character in the Chinese alphabet.
When all said and done, Quagmire body tell story of sadness.
Wow, I can't even imagine what twisted deviant act you've thought of this time.
I want you to have sex with your father.
What?! Yep, and I'm gonna watch.
Hi, Glenn.
Are you crazy?! No! No way! Glenn, remember, the thing we love most about each other is that we push each other way beyond our normal boundaries.
Did you enjoy your stay at the Marriott? No, I did not.
Oh, well, excuse me for not being six months old anymore! Oh, and here come the tears! The show is starting, everyone! Come on down! What's all that noise? What the hell's going on up there? We're in a fight is what's going on! Brian, I need you to settle an argument for us: am I Hitler? Because I don't think that I am, but maybe-maybe I'm off base on this.
Stewie, take it easy.
No, you know what? You may as well call your family now because I'm not going to Sarasota.
I don't care if we can't get a refund, we're through! Here, Brian, you take him.
Maybe you can make him happy.
What? You heard me.
Take him.
Do whatever you want with him, I don't care.
Rupert and I are over! Are you sure? Yes, we're done.
I just hope we can handle it better than blue and yellow did when they split up.
You were supposed to have the kids here by 5:00.
We have plans.
It's 5:15.
Stop busting my hump, Alicia.
Okay, you know what, let's not let's not do this in front of the kids.
God, you're right.
What ever happened to us? Hey, baby, you ready for dinner? What's up, Scott? We gonna get some barbecue.
Hey, guys.
No, indoors, not okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it.
Nighttime, not allowed.
What? There's nothing wrong with this.
No, no way, give me those.
Oh, my God.
Quagmire, what the hell happened? Is this another one of those sex-related injuries you keep getting? Yeah, it seems like lately that girlfriend of yours is taking things a little too far.
No, she's not; everything's great with us.
Are you guys still talking about Sonja? All right, I should probably get going.
Sonja and I are supposed to go to a "Brown Eyes Wide Shut" party.
Geez, I don't know what's going on with him.
But I guess love does funny things to people.
Look at Forrest Gump.
Hi, Forrest.
I know you just got back from Vietnam and you love me, but I'm gonna go run a train with this group of Black Panthers I just met.
Okay, Jenny.
Hi, Forrest.
I know you came all this way to New York to visit me, but I'm gonna go do blow and have sex with a bunch of stockbrokers.
Okay, Jenny.
Hi, Forrest.
Now that I have the most contagious and incurable disease known to mankind, I'll finally have pity sex with you.
Okay, Jenny.
And I'll mow the grass and raise the AIDS baby.
Hey, sexy.
Sonja, what are you doing here? Well, I got tired of waiting for you to get home, so I thought I'd come to you.
Come on, Sonja.
How about how about we take a night off, huh? The sex has just been nonstop.
I mean, I understand that "no" doesn't mean "no," but certainly some word has got to mean "no.
" This is one of your fantasies, right? Public humiliation? Mm, it's sexy, isn't it? Sonja, stop, please! Come on, you love it.
Ow! Ow! Ow! You're hurting me, and I really need to clean out my trunk! Oh, I'm gonna clean out your trunk.
That's my word.
That's my word! Okay, Joe, Joe, you're drunk, okay? You're drunk; give me your keys.
And-and I'm drunk, so I'll give you my keys.
Okay, now we're both good to drive home.
You been drinking tonight, sir? Uh, no, Officer, I just had a glass of dinner with my wine.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car and walk a straight line, please.
All right, you be safe, sir.
There's a lot of crazies out there tonight.
Oh, hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Hi, Peter.
I'm a little worried about Glenn.
I haven't heard from him in days.
Have you seen him? I haven't seen anybody.
I've been grounded for pinching a girl.
Hey, are you guys talking about Quagmire? He never showed this morning, and today's the day we usually go apple picking.
Get that one.
Get that one! Hey, get that one.
Get that one over there.
No, not-not that one.
I already got it! I can't put it back! Well, it's not going in the pie.
Well, if you're so smart, why don't you come up here and pick them yourself? And now there's no pie at all.
I've already checked Glenn's house, and there's no sign he's even been there.
I'm afraid something terrible has happened.
Now let's not jump to any conclusions.
I'm sure if we just check his usual hangouts, someone will have seen him.
Wait a second.
He hangs out at the Clam with some fat loudmouth.
You find Loudy McFatass, you find Quagmire.
Come on, let's go.
But Dad, it's the night of my big show.
Oh, Chris, I was never gonna go to that.
We should get some food in you, mister.
You hardly ate any of that cereal I smashed on your mouth yesterday.
Brian? Oh, hey.
What the hell are you doing? Oh, I've been kind of using Rupert as a chew toy.
Chewing him with your crotch? Hey, dogs like humping stuffed animals.
What can I say? Besides, you said I could have Rupert.
I thought you liked Oscar better anyway.
Well, I just changed my mind.
And you know Rupert's a dude, right, you gaylord? Okay, you guys, where should we start looking for Glenn? Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage.
So, why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away.
No problem, Peter.
Quagmire, if you're in there, hang tight, buddy.
We're coming.
Right, and if we can't find him in here, he sometimes likes to hang out in between the blades of grass in my lawn.
And also, in the firewood that needs to be split.
Might he be under the leaves in your gutter? Great question, and yes, he might.
So, while you guys are taking care of that, I'll be around back flicking pinecones at a tree with this hockey stick.
Welcome to Ryan's Hawaiians.
Hey, how you doing? Amazing.
Have you seen this man? Glenn Quagmire? Nah, the last time I saw him was three months ago.
Sold him 70 red shirts.
Yeah, he does look good in that shirt.
Uh, everyone looks good in my shirts.
How about you, Big Island? Uh, I don't know.
Do you want to be an oldies' DJ or a 1980's wrestling manager? Yes, both.
This is beautiful.
Heart disease looks better when it's wrapped in a tropical, floral pattern.
Oh, my God, this is hopeless.
We've been searching for hours.
Glenn could be dead by now.
I know, and if you guys are really hungry, I suppose I could eat.
Come on, we can't give up.
Someone's got to have seen Quagmire.
Or if not him, at least Sonja.
Excuse me, did you just say "Sonja"? Yes! I did! That was my dog's name.
Excuse me, did he just say "Sonja"? Yeah, it was his dog's name.
Oh, I thought he might have been talking about this super kinky woman who's always down here, trying to lure men to her sex slave shed.
No, I think he was talking about his dog.
No, Peter, that's the Sonja we're looking for.
Sonja must have taken Glenn there.
Where exactly is this sex slave shed? I'm not sure, but I've heard she has a unit at Quahog Storage.
Apparently that chick's a complete psycho.
We got to get over there! Come on, you guys, let's go! Oh, man, I hope we don't catch them doing something freaky.
I'm still weirded out from when I walked in on that masturbating Eskimo.
Dinner time, Tikaloo.
Oh, my God! Doesn't anybody knock? Hey, Stewie, look, I want to apologize about earlier.
What the hell is this? Brian, I think it's time that Rupert made his choice.
What are you talking about? Talking about love, Bri.
Talking about adult decisions.
Rupert's been with me, and now he's been with you.
It's time for him to pick.
Stewie, this is stupid; I'm not doing this.
Brian, either you cooperate or I blow my Adam Levine dog whistle.
Hey, my voice isn't that high.
It is.
It is though.
All right, Rupert.
Who will it be? And before you answer, think of all the good times we've had.
The time we met The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show, that winter we lived on the sun, and here's my favorite.
A blank one we can fill up with a future together.
Yes! Oh, my God, Rupert, I'm so sorry for everything! I missed you, too! Whatever.
Hey, you done with that weird octopus doll? It's you and me forever, Rupert.
I just hope Oscar didn't take it too hard.
This is it, number 92.
This is Sonja's storage unit.
Quagmire, are you in there? Oh, he's eating.
We'll come back when you're done eating.
Glenn! Hurry, she'll be back soon.
I can't believe the guy with the ponytail and the facial tattoo at the front desk would let this happen.
Well, what's this? We got company? Hold it right there.
Do you think I'm afraid of you? Boy, if you were ever gonna stand, this would be the time, Joe.
Everybody, just shut up! You idiots should've minded your own business.
This is our business.
You kidnapped our friend.
You're going to jail.
Don't come any closer or I'll shoot you.
Oh, I don't think you're gonna shoot me.
You don't got the boobs.
What? I-I don't know.
Now, just hand me the gun, Sonja.
Oh, I swear to God, you get one inch closer to me, and I'm gonna shoot you.
What the hell? Like I said, you're going to jail.
Oh, my God, Joe, that was so close.
How'd you know the gun would jam? It didn't jam, Peter.
The gun was never loaded.
Sort of had a mental breakdown in April.
No more bullets for this guy.
Oh, Glenn, I was so worried about you.
Are you all right? No, no, I'm pretty far from all right.
Well, I guess this is as good a time as any.
Happy birthday, Joe.
You dick! Thanks for your help, guys.
I might not be alive if it weren't for you.
Hey, no problem, buddy.
Yeah, you'd have done the same for us, Quagmire.
You know, I guess what I realized from all this is that when it comes to relationships, I need to be the kinky one.
Ah, we're just glad to have you back, Quagmire.
Yep, and it's good to put all those troubles behind us.
My dad told me he's pregnant.