Family Guy s12e08 Episode Script

Christmas Guy

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to Home Alone with Competent Robbers.
Hey, be careful.
There's cars on the floor here.
That's weird, huh? Yeah.
The doorknob was really hot, but I just let go instead of holding onto it.
And there's some ice on the stairs to the basement, so I guess just don't go down there.
Just so you guys know, I have a tarantula.
Well, now there are no witnesses.
Come on, everybody, let's go to the mall.
It's time for the Christmas Carnival.
It's Stewie's first Christmas.
Again? I love the Christmas Carnival! Chris, calm down.
You're giving yourself a nosebleed.
You know, the best thing about the Quahog Mall is going into Tiffany's and doing everything possible to make 'em think I might actually buy something.
Oh, this is lovely.
Just lovely.
How much is this? $1,200.
Great, great.
That's all? A-And how late are you open this evening? Until 7:00.
Perfect, perfect.
And you accept credit cards and cash? Yes.
And what's your name? I want to make sure you get credit for this sale.
Oh, that's a great name.
Oh, and these watches here, if I wanted to get 11 of them for different groomsmen, could they each get engraved individually? Yes.
And you do that on site? Yes.
Now, the groomsmen's names are Blake, Hayden, Edgar, Blake D.
, Elliott, Milo, Cooper Why aren't you writing any of these down? You're wearing Sbarro wrappers for shoes, sir.
There may have been a trade.
Hey, nice outfit.
Fancy pair of shoes, too.
Do you, do you only use adjectives sarcastically? Great question, smart guy.
What the hell? Where's all the decorations? And the big Christmas tree? Oh, look, there's Santa.
Peter, no.
That's a Hells Angel.
What do you want? Meth? Okay.
There's no Christmas Carnival, Dad.
You seem to know a lot about this, Meg.
What did you do? No Christmas Carnival? Whoever is responsible for this shall suffer my eternal wrath.
Who's this guy? Tough don't sell in curly-toed shoes.
Leave me alone.
Why don't you go bother the cologne salesman at Macy's? I want something I can wear on the street that a broad can smell on a fire escape.
There's gotta be an explanation for this.
Let's ask that security guard who has everything on his belt except a gun.
E-Excuse me, sir? It's "officer.
" No, it's not.
It's barely "sir.
" Yeah, I know.
Where is the Christmas Carnival? Canceled.
I don't know why.
I'm just a small cog in this operation.
You hear that, Dad? You're not the only one around here with a small cog.
I told you that in confidence, Chris.
Daddy, where's Santa? Was he killed by Muslims? Oh, my God, poor Stewie.
He's so disappointed.
Of course he is, Lois.
I feel the same way.
How come every time I'm feelin' happy, somebody's gotta come along and ruin it? Are you enjoying your coffee, sir? Yeah, it's very smooth.
Good flavor.
What if we told you that we secretly replaced your coffee with Folgers Crystals? Wouldn't you feel like a dumbass? 'Cause of how you just raved about it just now? You stupid son of a bitch.
Boy, Stewie was really upset about the Christmas Carnival being canceled.
He's been acting out all week.
Ah, I'm sure he'll be over it in no time.
Besides, how much trouble can he cause? He's a baby.
We now return to Miracle on 134th Street.
Oh, my God, I left my phone in my car.
Wow, it's still there.
Hey, I've been askin' around about this carnival thing.
Turns out I know a guy who knows a guy who knows another guy who knows a girl, which is weird because they don't usually know nothin', who says the carnival was canceled by the mall's owner, some guy named Carter Pewterschmidt.
Oh, my God.
So I got another guy workin' on findin' out who that is.
It's my father.
Oh! This is a twist I did not expect.
Oh! Excuse me, I'm just gonna have to "Oh" this out until I'm not surprised anymore.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh Oh.
Lois, before I get mad at your dad, h-he isn't the Little Caesars guy, is he? No, Peter, we've been through this.
I could never be mad at that guy.
He says my favorite word twice in a row.
Now, I'm gonna go talk to your father and get him to bring back the Christmas Carnival.
Peter, I don't think that's gonna work.
Sure, it will.
The nerve of your dad, takin' the fun out of Christmas, like some kind of gluten-free Santa.
Hey, what's in these? Huh? I'm okay if it's, like, coconut flour.
But anything with actual grains, I can't do.
I'm not sure.
Well, who is sure? Mr.
Pewterschmidt, there's a man here who says he's the guy whose picture is on all the money.
Holy cow.
Send him in.
That's right, and this is my own People magazine from home and not from your waiting room just now, and why did you cancel the Christmas Carnival? Because I hate Christmas.
You know what it's like being rich at Christmas, Griffin? Everyone expects an expensive present, and I get nothing.
Did you did you just have your hand in my fish tank? No.
Sheesh, Carter, you know what? I am gonna help you find the Christmas spirit so you bring back the carnival.
Look, are we done here? Um, yeah, uh, just one more thing.
Can I choose one thing in your office to take home with me? No.
Aw, too bad.
'Cause I was gonna choose you.
You're weird.
You're a weird guy.
No-no, no.
I want to zip it.
It's okay, Peter, you're good at other stuff.
So you're gonna help your old man find his Christmas spirit again, huh? Oh, yeah, that sounds real bad, her father don't like Christmas.
My father was drowned to death in a birdbath by an officer of the law.
His will just said, "Kick Jimmy in the sack for me.
Go, Eagles.
" My sympathies, Vinny.
Don't worry about it, he was a scumbag.
Are you sure about this, Peter? I mean, I know Stewie was disappointed about the carnival, but he'll get over it.
He's a happy, resilient baby.
I don't know, Lois.
I feel like if we don't do something, Stewie's first words are gonna be, "Why did you kill Christmas?" And I want the carnival back, too.
You know, I know I'm usually all business, but deep down, you know what the thing is that keeps me going more than anything else? Wonder.
A sense of wonder.
Well, you have your work cut out for you, Peter.
My father's always hated Christmas.
Hey, happy June 16.
Thought I'd see how you like it when someone breaks into your house and touches all your stuff.
Knock it off.
I'm touching this.
And this over here.
You're a creep, is my point.
All right, Carter, now, you know what's guaranteed to put you in the holiday mood? Write a Christmas letter to all your friends and relatives.
And keep in mind, it's traditional to embellish a little bit to make yourself look better.
"Peter had a great year, "and is now starting quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars.
" What? People can easily fact-check this.
Yeah, who has the time? Keep reading.
"Chris refurbished a vintage motorcycle, "and Stewie can slam-dunk a basketball from a standing start" Peter, that's impossible.
Read what it says about you.
"Lois's father, Carter Pewterschmidt, bought a small stool for his balls.
" Damn it, I'm not proud of that.
Well, you have to throw in some real facts.
That's what gives the newsletter credibility.
Now, everyone knows the best way to get the Christmas spirit is to drink a whole lot of thick, frothy eggnog.
So get going.
I don't like eggnog.
Drink the nog, Carter.
I don't I don't want to.
Take it, Carter.
Take all the nog.
Yeah, you like that nog.
Don't spit the nog out.
Now look at the camera for a POV shot.
Say thank you with the nog in your mouth.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good, now go down to the hotel lobby and check out with nog all over your face.
All right.
You know, I still don't like Christmas, but I kind of like what we just did.
Okay, Carter, a big part of Christmas is masturbating like you would any other day but feeling guilty about it because it's Christmas.
What's wrong with me? Griffin, this isn't working.
What? What do you mean? I-I'm not getting the holiday spirit, so you can stop trying.
But Carter, it's not just for me.
Think about Stewie.
He's all upset 'cause there's no carnival.
Different dog.
Yeah, this one's, like, Italian or something.
Anyway, I think we're done here.
No Christmas Carnival.
Wow, Carter.
I had no idea you were Jewish.
What? Is is that how this is coming off? Yeah, kind of.
I mean, that's what everyone's saying.
People think I'm Jewish? Oh, this Christmas Carnival has everything.
Games, food.
Oh, my God, it's the carolers from A Christmas Story.
Deck the harrs with boughs of horry Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra That's right, America, don't forget.
Your beloved holiday movie is incredibly racist.
And flom not that rong ago.
What's wrong with you, Stews? You're next up to see the big guy himself and you look like a piece of spaghetti on the street.
I don't know.
I thought having the carnival back would make me happy, but it still feels like something's missing.
Yeah, it's always somethin'.
Like when I finally got to sleep with Mary Lou Gallo.
She had a look, but when you got up close, she also had a smell.
Oh, Stewie, you're next.
Ho ho ho.
Mall Santa is brought to you in part this season by Chipotle.
Between good and garbage, it's Chipotle.
So, what do you want for Christmas? Oh, what do I want for Christmas? What do I want for Christmas? You know what I want for Christmas? I want my friend back.
Your friend? Yes.
My best friend.
My dog, Brian.
He's dead.
It's our first Christmas without him and no one's even mentioned his name.
I don't care about this stupid carnival or Christmas.
I don't care about anything except Brian.
I want Brian.
You want me to put a dead dog under your tree? Yes.
And, uh, I-I'd like a bike, too.
We now return to The Year Without a Santa Claus or Sex.
Daddy, where's Santa Clau I don't know, okay?! Should I ask Mom? I don't know, she's so busy with her job.
Hello there, Stewart.
What's this? What are you doing, Vinny? Vinny? Who's Vinny? My name is Brian, aka your favorite dog.
Hey, whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto Di Saronno around here? Oh, forget it, Vinny.
You're not Brian.
Come on, I went through a lot of trouble.
For example, I know Brian was rather into politics, so I read the newspaper.
What is goin' on with all these politics, huh? Well, that is about Brian's level of political awareness.
Yeah, and you know how Brian wrote Wish It, Want It, Do It? Well, I wrote a book, too.
A little something called Wish It, Want It, You Blew It.
Really? Yup.
Let me read you an expert.
"You wish you were a millionaire.
"You want more money.
Guess what.
"You blew it.
"You wish you could change the neighborhood.
"You want to be a selectman.
"You blew it.
"You wish you could open up a restaurant.
"You did not want to pay protection money.
"Knock, knock.
Who's there? You blew it.
" You blew it who? You blew it bad.
You know what the last page of the book is? A mirror.
So you can see exactly who blew it.
Being you.
Look, I appreciate all this, Vinny, but there's only one Brian, and it's tough for me that he's gone, especially around the holidays.
Okay, I know what'll cheer you up.
How about you open up one of those Christmas presents? It's from me.
Merry Christmas.
What the hell? There's a foot in this box.
That was supposed to go to somebody else.
I'm very sorry.
Well, my friends, I think Johnny "The Foot" Giatelli is dead.
Oh no.
They killed Frankie "Choo-Choo" Chinelli instead.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
You sure that's what this means? Could be they killed Davey "The Box" Frateli.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Hold on, it could also be they killed Jimmy "Tissue Paper" Scungili.
I just saw Jimmy yesterday at my kid's christening.
So maybe it wasn't Jimmy.
Maybe this means they killed Anthony "The Air Around the Box" Minetti.
Oh, no, they killed Sal "Holding The Box That We Can't Figure Out What The Box Means" Casella.
Here, I got this for you, too.
A bowling shirt? You can wear it anywhere.
To the beach, a wedding on the beach, beach graduation, beach funeral, business conference which could be at a beach, a stroll through the park, should that park be adjacent to a beach.
What, you don't like it? How's about we go to the mall and pick out something you do like? Well, I suppose I could browse the toy store.
Possibly pick up a new action figure.
That's the spirit.
All right, I better get out of these professor clothes before I kick my own ass.
Okay, Stewie.
Pick anything you want, on me.
I don't know.
I hate the toy store this close to Christmas.
It's always been picked clean.
There's plenty of good stuff here.
Look at this, heavy bronze sheep bookends.
What kid wouldn't want to play with these? "Baa.
What are you lookin' at?" "Not much, that's what I'm lookin' at.
" "You want to have a go?" "I'd watch what I say with that other sheep right behind you.
" I played this as a kid.
Course, I had to do it with ashtrays, but I think the sheep is better.
Wait a minute.
Who is that? I think I think I know that boy.
Vinny, that stocking cap.
It's mine.
That boy is me.
Of course.
It's me from the past.
Several months ago, I time-traveled ahead to purchase that Christmas toy.
I don't understand, so I'm angry and hungry.
I'm gonna go punch a sandwich.
Wow, good timing, little fella.
This just came out today.
Yeah, I kind of knew that already.
The time machine return pad is in the backpack that other Stewie is wearing.
I must get my hands on it, Vinny.
Vinny? That was a tough sandwich.
As tough as your mom's fat face.
Hey, leave my mother out of this.
That woman stitched gloves till she was 90.
I heard she was good with her hands.
Hey, everybody, we got a funny sandwich here.
Vinny, I need you to get that Stewie to take off his backpack.
Listen, Stewie, I'm not following.
I don't have time to explain.
I've got to steal something That's it.
You've already explained.
You got to steal something.
Got it.
Wait-Wait a sec, what's your plan? Trust me, I think I know you well enough to know how to distract the other you.
Hey, how you doing? This may sound a little presumptuous of me, but, uh, you ever do any modeling? Well, not professionally, but I-I-I have thought about it.
You ought to.
What are you, like, six-three? Six-four? Y-Y-You're in you're in the ballpark.
I-I-I carry myself taller.
Good posture, very important.
Oh, I agree.
Let me see, let me see.
That's good.
But I feel like that backpack might be hiding some figure flaws.
Well, that is where you are wrong, my friend.
You know, my friends ask me, "Stewie, why do you throw up after every meal?" This.
This is why.
All right, whatever you gotta do, do it quick.
The other you is in the back changing into a pair of tap shoes, for some reason.
Animal crackers in my soup Hey, where did that guy go? Excellent.
Now all I've got to do is set the coordinates to the moment before Brian got killed and I can save him.
Oh, yeah, Scott Bakula and all that.
Yes, Vinny.
Scott Bakula.
Well, thank you for everything.
You bet.
You realize if I save Brian, my family won't get another dog, which means we will never have met.
I'll probably never see you again.
So, I think this is good-bye.
Hey, I'm man's best friend, not some stupid baby's best friend, right? Good dog, Vinny.
Good dog.
Georgette, I'm coming home.
Who the hell is Georgette? Okay, Brian, I'm just putting this out there, but I'm a baby and only dicks don't let babies win.
God, look at this day, huh? You know, usually, I'd be sitting inside writing, you'd be working on one of your machines.
But here we are enjoying it.
Yes, it is a nice change of pace.
Oh, wait, I gotta go grab my knee pads.
I was using them for for, for this other thing.
Anyway, I-I'll be right back.
Brian, look out! What the hell? You're alive, my friend.
What? Course I'm alive.
What the hell's going on here? Brian, that car killed you.
And when it did, a little part of me died as well.
I couldn't live without you.
So I came back from the future to save your life.
Wait, wait a minute.
What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine.
Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here.
Oh, that reminds me.
I've gotta send this back where it came from.
I'm starting to think that guy wasn't a real modeling agent.
And I'm starting to think that other guy wasn't a real penis-butt inspector.
Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life.
You know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten a different dog and moved on.
Oh, oh, we could, we could never do something like that, Brian.
Stewie, what's happening to you? I think My time line is being erased.
The time line where you died no longer exists.
Merry Christmas, Brian.
Hey, who were you talking to out here? A pretty awesome guy.
Oh, "pretty awesome guy.
" Why don't you marry him, huh? All right, game on.
Aah! Stew-S-A.
Oven mitts.
Wow, thanks, Mom.
Now you don't have to ask me if everything is hot before you touch it.
Are are the oven mitts hot? Here you go, Stewie.
Merry Christmas.
Brian, it's-it's wonderful.
Thank you.
Well, you gave me the greatest gift of all.
I'll tell you about it sometime.
Are we pregnant? What? No, Stewie, it's nothing like that.
Okay, well, I have to tell you, I'm a little bit relieved.
Look, just, just, thanks for everything, Stewie.
You're my best friend and I love you.
All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning and I want it to stop right now.