Family Guy s12e09 Episode Script

Peter Problems

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Morning, Stella.
Morning, Peter.
Hey, listen, I-I got to ask you something.
Last night, I heard, uh, the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me," and-and this question popped into my head.
Are you-- and please say yes-- are you related-- and even if you're not, please say yes-- are you related to-- and please say yes because I need the attention from my friends-- are you related to Def Leppard? Griffin, can I talk to you privately? Stella, turn around.
You know, that is one nice thing about having a deaf coworker.
Well, that and I can work on my verbal sound effects and not feel self-conscious about the ones that aren't quite there yet.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about this: shabba dabba dabba dabba dabba.
That's a helicopter hovering over a woman swimming in her pool.
I also do animals.
Here's a mouse.
Mouse? Oh, that one's ready.
Griffin, I actually came to tell you that you're being promoted to forklift operator.
Really? That's awesome! Yeah, Frank retired, and since you're already required to wear a helmet here-- which, by the way, put on your helmet.
Oh, sorry.
Anyway, the job is yours.
Which means you'll be receiving a five percent raise.
Wow, a raise! I guess this means I can afford to set up this cutaway with a fancy new transition.
Cutaway End of cutaway All right, you beautiful bastard, show me what you got.
Peter, you can run now, and no one will call you a quitter.
What am I saying? No.
I learned how to use stickers, and I can learn how to use this.
Oh, this is awesome.
Oh, guys, good, you're here.
I am so excited.
Guess what.
I hope this isn't about your podcast again.
Why? Did you finally listen to it? Yeah, it was just all the hats you could think of.
Sherlock Holmes hat.
Football man hat.
Angry working-class Irish idiot hat.
Underwear 'cause you're a cat in the laundry basket hat.
Vietnamese the sun is my enemy hat.
Halloween mask that I flip up to eat my candy hat.
College guy wearing a pizza box hat.
Blue hat.
I think that's all the hats.
No, you guys, this is really big.
You're not gonna believe this.
Peter, we've been over this.
You're not allowed to say that unless there's a forklift outside.
Forklift! Wow! I know, awesome, right? Oh, my God, I want to get on! Hold on, remember the first thing we said we'd do.
So that's what the tops of cars look like.
All right, walking speed.
Afternoon, ma'am.
Afternoon to you, normal sir.
No one can tell.
Uh, how's the weather down there, you short idiot? Should we tell him his pants fell off? No, let's wait awhile.
Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I walk all the time, 'cause my legs can walk.
Uh, are you gonna stay for the bris? Nah, I don't want to see that.
This whale's beached himself.
He needs to get back in the water or he'll die.
Step aside, I'll handle this.
Give me some room.
You're whale-come.
Aw, cool shell.
Ah, this is what it's all about, huh, Duke? in one big thing.
This is what we do, Peter.
You know, I always thought I could chug that, but I never tried 'cause I figured I couldn't lift it.
Until now.
Are you nuts? No way you can chug that.
No, I can totally do it.
I've only had, like, four beers this morning.
He's doing it! It's killing him, but he's doing it.
So, as you can see, sales are going very well.
Griffin, you're fired! Eh, see if I care.
Hello, COBRA? I'd like to pay $1,300 for one month of health insurance.
How's the job search going, Dad? Eh, not great, Chris.
I'm looking at the paper right now.
I don't see a lot here.
Hey, Lois, how much you think a Sagittarius pays? I think you're in the wrong section, Peter.
Oh, pardon me.
Oh, looks like the Dodgers just cut Peña.
Might be something there.
Peter, put the paper down.
Okay, kids, off to school.
Now, I know it's picture day, but we can't afford them anymore, so just run behind another kid when they're getting their picture taken.
Peter, we should talk about this job situation.
Our savings are getting pretty low.
You know, actually, Peter, there's a lot of job training programs sponsored by the state that could help you get the skills you need for another occupation.
You know, Brian, you could get a job.
I have a job.
I-I'm a writer, Peter.
I'm working right now.
See this, all of this? This is the raw material of a picture of life that I'm gonna paint with words.
Yesterday, it took you to lap up a cold cut off the floor.
That's my process! It's been three weeks and you haven't had a single job lead.
Oh, that's not true.
I came really close with that job at the school.
So, what makes you want to be a crossing guard? I don't know, I just thought it would be cool to decide which kids do and don't get hit by a car.
Well, Peter, since you've been having such a tough time, I was thinking, maybe I should look for a job.
Lois, I'll be damned if I will let my wife be a prostitute.
What? No, I'll get a regular job.
What, like a lawyer? Peter, there are jobs for women between prostitute and lawyer.
Wartime nurse? We need money.
I'm gonna look for a job.
I guess you should; and that'll give me more time to focus on expanding my record collection.
How's this one? Oh, Bach.
Is very good.
I recommend.
And this one? Oh, Mozart.
The boy genius.
The best.
Okay, how about this? Ooh, Debussy.
I love Debussy.
Sometimes all I can think about is Debussy.
Oh, look at the pianist.
The pianist is so good with Debussy.
So, you like his early work? Oh, yes, when Debussy was young, that's when you want Debussy.
Okay, I'll take these two.
Very good, sir.
Just make sure you finish on the Bach.
Never finish on Debussy.
Bravo! Bravo! All right, you can do this.
You've shopped here for years.
You know this place like the back of your hand.
Now, Mrs.
Griffin, where did you go to college? Groceries.
Are you available to work weekends? Groceries.
Very impressive.
This next one is a trick question.
Groceries? I'm hired.
Welcome aboard.
Hey, guys, great news.
You're looking at the new assistant store manager of Stop 'N Shop.
You got a job at the grocery store? That's great! You get to see all the food before it's famous.
Well, you know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.
Lois, that's awesome! Now I can spend my days at The Clam like we've always talked about.
No, Peter, if I'm gonna be out of the house working, you're gonna have to take over for me in the house.
Wait, wait, what, I-I got to do what you do? Spending the whole day taking Tylenol PMs and straddling the bath faucet? Well, the guy knows what's going on here, I'll give him that.
No, I mean, you're gonna need to cook the meals and do laundry and take care of Stewie, like I've been doing.
Are you serious? Dad's gonna run the house? Hey, I can do it.
I mean, it can't be any harder than that job I used to have at the bowling alley.
Yes, we're open.
Oh, yes, we have a wide selection of balls that are way too heavy or have too-small finger holes.
Uh, no, you will not be able to do anything with your wrist for seven days afterward.
Yes, sir, all of the joysticks in the arcade are completely covered in pizza grease, no worries there.
What's that? Oh, absolutely, there is always a group of teenagers throwing the ball real hard and scaring everyone.
No, there is no smoking, but we do let you smoke.
Yes, it's all terrible, come on down.
Why are you doing laundry in the dishwasher? Oh, I can't use the washing machine; it's really been acting up lately.
What the hell? What's going on down here? This is washing machine stuff.
Go back upstairs, suck-bag.
All right, Stewie, I'm gonna change your diaper now.
Which, unfortunately, means I have to touch your privates.
All right, so here I come with the cloth.
Okay? This is not sexual.
All right, I've made contact with your undercarriage.
I am moving it upwards with a cupped hand.
I'm looking you in the eye now.
Please meet my gaze.
And we're done.
That was intense.
All right, kids, you are really gonna love these Cornish game hens I cooked for dinner.
Now, I don't want to pat myself on the back, but I worked all day getting 'em just right Holy crap! Oh, my God.
Then that means And that also means You know what, Peter? You tried hard, and you still earned that wine.
I'm home.
Wow, Peter, the house looks amazing.
Yeah, well, let's take off our shoes and try to keep it that way, huh? No, really, Peter, it seems like you've really taken to being a househusband.
Well, it hasn't been easy.
Between doing the laundry and vacuuming, I barely had time to put on a nice sweater and clasp a cup of tea with two hands.
And now to tie this sweater around my waist and walk around the neighborhood.
Well, what do you say I reward you for all your hard work? Geez, Lois, is that all you think about? I'm tired.
Come on, Peter.
I need this release.
I had a long day at work.
Oh, work.
I suppose work is why you missed Chris's father-son picnic.
Peter, you're still Chris's father.
Why can't you just listen instead of trying to fix everything?! Get in here, Peter.
Don't you want to have sex? I don't think we've done it since I started working.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Come on, where's my big, strong man? Putting on one of your dress shirts to look sexy.
I want to do it on top of the comforter.
I don't care if we make streaks.
Well, of course you don't, you're not the one who cleans it.
Peter, just shut up and take me! Peter, get up! Get up! There's a caterpillar in the bed! Oh, that's, uh that's me.
What? How do I put this delicately? My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.
Peter, are you having trouble getting ready? Yes, obviously, I'm having trouble! Well, somebody's gonna have sex with me.
Lois, don't say that.
Quagmire will show up like the Road Runner.
It's okay, your vagina's just a painted-on hole.
Oh, Peter, you're up.
That's not what I heard.
Hey, Peter, you want a little something to put in that orange juice? What? Why? It's 9:00 a.
Well, I figured you'd like to start your day with a stiff one.
You can't get a boner! You're a failure as a man and a father.
Peter, it's nothing to get upset about.
There's treatments available.
We'll go see Dr.
I don't want to do that; I'm embarrassed.
This shouldn't embarrass you.
The size should embarrass you.
How about now? Is this doing anything for you? No.
Well, what if I show you my tattoo? Nothing.
Well, you got a dead rat in your pants, mister.
There's got to be something you can do, Dr.
Have you tried getting a divorce? I've never seen this problem in a single man.
Doctor, what about Viagra or Cialis? What about them? Well, if Peter could try them, they might help with his problem.
Those are for man troubles? I've been prescribing them as antidepressants.
Everything's just getting harder and harder.
Hey, you guys want another round? Oh, I don't know, Peter, it's getting kind of late.
Yeah, I got to get going.
It takes me three hours to get ready for bed.
Oh, please don't make me go home and disappoint my wife yet again! What are you talking about, Peter? You know how earlier tonight we all said we had erections? I lied.
So did I.
Hartman says I'm impotent.
Oh, you don't have to take that from him.
You know, Dr.
Hartman once told me I had gonorrhea.
So I hit him in the head with a bat.
I give gonorrhea, I don't get gonorrhea.
Okay? It's terrible, guys.
I tried the pills he gave me, but even they didn't work.
Well, look at it this way, Peter: without sex, you'll have more time to do the things you've always wanted to do.
For me, it was learning to play the trombone.
Why the hell would you want to play the trombone? For moments like this.
Peter can't get an erection.
Peter, I am gonna help you beat impotence.
We can do this together.
Thanks, Quagmire, 'cause this sucks.
I think even the people at the office supply store can tell.
Um, excuse me, where do you keep your three-ring binders? Those are on aisle Hold on a sec.
We're all out of binders.
All right, Peter, now, when it comes to curing impotence, sometimes you have to get creative.
So, we're gonna try the Boston Method.
What's that? Well, basically, some dirtbag from Boston yells at your junk to scare it into working again.
So you got a stupid penis, huh? I-I guess so.
You hear me in there, dum-dum? Let's look alive.
Listen, I could be nice about this or I could get my brother.
And he did some serious time for throwing a turkey off a bridge into a car.
It's-it's not working.
All right, well, I got to go.
There's a ripped screen door that needs slamming.
How could a town with so many great colleges produce nothing but dopes? You sure this is gonna work, Quagmire? Of course.
This isn't the first time I've rigged up a sex puppet.
I now have full control over your genitals.
Are you sure? Yeah, check it out.
It looks like an unmanned fire hose.
Stop smiling, this is serious.
You got to have your sex face.
Okay, okay, my sex face is a ton of underbite.
Lois, I'm ready.
Oh, Peter.
How about this? Damn it, Peter, I'll set the pace, you idiot.
All right, now to let some line out.
Let her dance with it a little.
Oh, come on, Peter, get out of my water glass.
I need to take a pill later.
Oh, sorry, I guess I need to be a little more to the left.
A little more to the left! Come on, Quagmire, you were a Navy pilot for six years.
Land this thing.
Oh, Peter, that's new.
Let me try.
Eh, tired.
Nothing seems to be working, you guys.
Is it gonna be like this forever? Yes.
Hold on, Peter.
You didn't start having trouble in the bedroom until you lost your job, right? Yeah, so? Well, that explains it.
I mean, you've been completely emasculated because you're no longer the breadwinner.
What are you getting at, Quagmire? There's only one thing that's gonna restore your masculinity.
We got to get you your old job back.
It was a mistake for me to ever take that promotion.
Wait a minute.
It was a mistake giving you a promotion.
I'm not following you.
So, by promoting an incompetent man, you were at fault.
Nice try, but I'm not the one who drove a forklift into a conference room and sent two people to the hospital.
Come on, since this man lost his job, he can't pleasure his wife.
Is that true? I-I have what the kids call "maje wien probs.
" Angela, I really need my job back.
And I could stand here and give you a big speech about second chances and promise to work harder than ever before.
And I could remind you that one day you might be in my shoes and maybe you'll need a second chance.
But I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna cash in this coupon you gave me last Valentine's Day.
"One Redo For Being Fired For Gross Negligence.
" "And One Hug.
" The hug one is expired, Griffin.
This one's for free.
Welcome back, Griffin.
Who's that? Oh, I hired a studio audience to do your old job.
You guys are fired.
Peter, I can't help you shake DVDs out of the Redbox again.
I got in trouble last time.
Now, go away, I'm working.
You don't have to anymore, because I got my old job back.
Peter, I'm so proud of you.
And you know what? Something else is working now, too.
Oh, my.
Let's go home.
I am gonna do you right here on a stack of pita bread.
Oh, Peter.
Yeah, the bread's all soft and doughy, isn't it? And the inside of the bag's always wet because those hairy dummies put it in too hot.
This is a cool place.