Family Guy s12e21 Episode Script

Chap Stewie

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to Jeremy Piven as The Incredible Hulk.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
I don't like you now.
Brian, I need the TV.
Why is Rupert wearing a top hat? Because, Brian, tonight we sup on the finest feast of the television season.
It is the season finale of The Cadwalliders of Essex.
The what? The Cadwalliders of Essex.
It's groundbreaking.
It's a British show about a wealthy family dealing with slight change.
Oh, I thought that got cancelled.
No, that was The Caduggans of Aubrey Muse.
Is that the one where even the children have muttonchops? No, that's The Whittakers of Edgerton Crescent.
All these shows sound the same.
Who's in this one? Penelope Westworth-Harrington.
Who's that? Penelope Westworth-Harrington? Oh, come on! From The Roysters of Pumbridge on Thames? Her uncle was steward to the Queen's Privy! She got plowed on a pile of hay in Game of Thrones.
Oh, yeah.
She's hot.
Ugh, you're an idiot.
Like a guy who cheats on his right hand with his left hand.
I want to stay, but I just got called back into the office.
What do you want from me? I'm sorry, all right? Just get off my back! I'm out of here.
God, it took me forever to get awa Oh, my God! No! What have you done?! Wait! Stop! No, please! I'm begging you! Oh, it's starting! I'm gonna live-tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zones.
I would like to learn to bathe myself.
Everything I've ever heard is vexing.
Oh! Oh! This is the fastest-moving episode I've ever seen! Wouldn't it be marvelous to be a part of a family like that? Ah-ha, I found that chick in the hay.
Unga bunga, unga bunga, unga bunga.
What is that? What's happening? Unga bunga, unga bunga, unga bunga.
Peter, what are you doing? Playing Unga Bunga.
It's the championship.
Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.
What the hell is Unga Bunga? Two guys run at each other with mattresses, and, um th-that's kind of it.
Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this! Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program! Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked! Where? You creep.
No! Peter, what's going on in Unga Bunga! You you imbeciles! You ruined my night! I ask for one thing in this house! Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV! I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! I want to watch -y show! Oh, no, Stewie's having a tantrum.
Come here, sweetie.
Ow! Screw you, you little turd! What's all that noise? Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? Ow! You've earned yourself a time-out, young man.
Now, you stay in here until you can behave.
I hate you! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I wish I was never born! Not tonight, Rupert.
I'm much too upset.
Knock, knock.
Stewie? Hey, I just wanted to check on how you're doing, buddy.
You put on quite a show last night.
I am done with this family.
They don't deserve me.
They're all just Oh, you dick, you just came in to charge your phone.
Sorry, Peter's using all the outlets.
Toast house.
I'm gonna be out of this place soon anyway.
What, are you running away from home? Better.
What the hell? You rebuilt your time machine? I thought you swore off time travel, 'cause you couldn't stop yourself from altering the past.
Look, Brian, I need this machine to alter the past for the better.
What do you mean? I loathe this family.
Being born into it was clearly some sort of cosmic mistake, so I'm going back in time to prevent that mistake.
I'm going to break up Lois and the fat man before they can conceive me.
Stewie, it one TV show.
You're overreacting.
It's not just the TV show, Brian.
I'm tired of living with morons.
Remember when I tried to open that lemonade stand with Chris? All right, that'll be ten cents.
Chris, pour the man his lemonade.
I can't! The lemonade tricked me and got away! Lemons are God's children! And the fat man won't even let me celebrate a proper birthday.
Happy birthday, Stewie! And here's your equal-attention cake, Peter.
Yay! Oh, come on! Yay! Double wishes! One two.
And Meg's the biggest pig of all.
The string broke again.
Hey, there, tiny hands.
Look, Stewie, I know you're angry about last night, but you're talking about erasing your existence.
That's crazy.
Whose ringtone is "Barracuda"? Oh, God, that's Frumpy Ann.
Frumpy Ann does everything.
Look, I-I got to get this call, but don't do anything stupid.
Yo, girl, how you livin'? Ugh.
All right, Rupert, prepare to time travel.
Oh, and by the way, thanks for asking me if I wanted something from Subway, too.
Where am I? This looks like my room, but something's off.
Oh, that's right, this isn't my room yet.
Wonder what they're using it for.
Oh, my God, he had a public access show? Live from the shores of Rhode Island, it's the fatty who drives you batty! Peter Griffin! Hey, hey, hey, douche bags! We got a great show for you tonight.
Karen Washington from the Rhode Island Zoo and some rejected toys you're not gonna believe.
So stick around, or I'll come to your house and murder you! I wonder what else is different.
Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us La la la She is camel toe-ing the hell out of that leotard.
All right, Rupert, time to break up Lois and the fat man before they can conceive me by pressing butts together.
Well, you don't know, either! Hey, Lois, I drawed you a picture.
It's me and you on the space moon, 'cause I would love you anywhere.
Oh, Peter.
I'd love you anywhere, too.
Wow, Peter and Lois were really in love before I was born.
And this is me getting you from behind, 'cause in space no one can hear you scream.
Oh, Peter! Breaking them up may prove to be more difficult than I thought.
Though I've faced bigger challenges before.
Like when I had to ride that bike in The Muppet Movie.
That's right.
Stewie Long Legs just blew your mind.
All right, Rupert, now to break up my parents.
The number one thing couples fight about is money.
So I've maxed out Lois's credit card on vibrating marital aids.
Peter, there's an open box in the kitchen addressed to me with nothing inside.
Uh, yeah, when I opened it up, it was empty.
Well, that's very strange, because it looked large enough to hold many items.
It's the mailman! I'll get it! No! Me! I'll get it! Huh.
Maybe I had more in common with this family than I thought.
Oh, my God, Peter! What happened to your hair? I don't know.
I I'm bald! You did this! What the hell's the matter with you?! I didn't do it, but but you look really cool.
I do? Yeah, you look like you could be a celebrity.
Hey, can I get your autograph? Oh, of course, here you go.
They think I'm Bruce Willis.
That was the monster from Goonies! None of my attempts to break them up has worked thus far, so I had to up our game.
Lois, what the hell did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn.
What?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.
That wasn't me! Must've been one of the kids! That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs! Well, you know something, I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right! Well, maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me! Well, then maybe I should just leave! And where are you gonna go? You got nothing else and nobody else! And now for the closer.
I might go west.
My God, I've done it, Rupert! They've broken up! Look! It's working.
I'm fading away! Well, Rupert, this means you and I will never have met.
So I've got to tell you one thing: you know that song I wrote you for Valentine's Day? It's an Eric Carmen song.
I completely ripped it off.
Ah, now I feel better.
Wha What the devil? What's going on? Where am I? It's a boy! I'm in a hospital.
My soul must have found another carrier.
I've been reborn! Welcome to the world, baby chap.
I'm British? All right! Ooh, I wonder if I'll have one of those pug-nosed British dogs that licks its own snot all day.
Ew, that's gross.
Piss off, you little wanker.
I'm not gonna be the dog to some poof baby.
Well, lad, welcome to your home.
Well, this is more like it.
This is your valet, your gardener, your cook, your gamekeeper, your butler, your housekeeper, your parlor maid, your housemaid, your scullery maid, your shoe de-graveler and one superfluous employee who I am not in a gay relationship with.
Sir, we have a meeting in the broom shed.
Quite right.
I will now hand you over to your mother.
This will be our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday.
My God, this is everything I've ever wanted.
And let's be honest, if I had stayed with the Griffins, I would have ended up like Rick Springfield today.
I wish that I had Jesse's job.
Sir, it's 6:00 p.
and you're still in your 5:45 tuxedo.
Nigel, yesterday I saw you smile.
Is that something I need to bring up with my father? I was just imagining my own death, sir.
You're a good man, Nigel.
May I pull on your nose hair? Of course, sir.
My heavens, my father is the Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Dean of Physics at Oxford, and he was pre-approved for a Capital One No-Hassle Card.
Oh, okay, so he's just framing everything.
Stewart, these are your brothers, Jaden and Aidan.
Jaden was first form in his sixth levels and he's chief scrum-flanker on his varsity boogling team, which, as far as we know, makes us terribly proud.
Finally, siblings who are doing stuff.
I'm really happy to meet you guys.
You were an accident.
You're only here because Father is a heavy sleeper with a frequent morning stem.
Aidan's the ball-breaker, huh, Jaden? Father, is "it" going to live here for a while? Oh, Aidan is the nice one.
Well, if it's verbal jousting skills you're looking for, I'm not afraid to take a little walk on the Oscar Wilde side.
You are a poopy head.
And you shut up.
Stewart, I think your mouth is better at taking things in than spewing them out.
Wow, these guys are a little sharper than my old family.
I still remember our Duck Duck Goose disaster.
What is that other word? There we are.
Sorry I couldn't squeeze no more juice outta me nippers.
Oh, that's all right.
I can't be mad at someone who lost seven sons in the war.
All right, my little lord, it's time for bed.
Why isn't Mommy tucking me in? Oh, hush, love, you're born now.
That's the end of all this "Mommy" nonsense.
What the hell? I don't even get a stuffed animal to hug? The only thing in this crib is a 19th-century dueling pistol.
It's loaded?! Who dares to shoot the bow tie off my cat? We duel at dawn! I'm just a baby! So am I! Good Lord, what have I done? I don't like it here at all! I miss my family! My dumb family! Dear God.
I wanted to be free of the family of morons I was born into, but now I'm the moron! Sir, I heard whimpering.
Shall I fetch your crying tuxedo? No! I don't want any more tuxedos! And I don't want a cold mother or an Oxford physics professor father.
Wait a minute! That's it! The Oxford physics lab will have everything I need to build a time machine.
Then I can go back to my old life! Ah, ah! Stone floor, too cold.
I'll go in the morning.
Let's see, I need plutonium for the time machine.
But how do I get past those guards? Oh, wait, that's right.
I'm in England.
I can just walk past them holding a cup of tea.
Did you see something suspicious about that baby? Well, I did at first, but then he's got the tea vouching for him, doesn't he? Almost there.
Just a few more adjustments.
Stewart! What are you doing? All right, Rupert, I left the fat man's entire porn collection on the curb for Goodwill to pick up.
Who the devil are you? I'm British Stewie.
I don't hear anything different.
I sound the same, but I spell some words very differently.
Let me write the word "color" on a piece of paper for you.
Dear God! You are British! Listen to me.
You successfully prevented your own birth, and instead you were born into an alternate family.
But you must believe me, the Griffins are your true destiny.
No, they're not.
They're morons.
But they're your morons, and they care about you.
Besides, you shine among these dullards.
Like Bob Weir in The Grateful Dead.
That joke's for one of our crew guys, Matty.
He loves The Dead and he's, uh he's not doing so well.
We love ya, Captain Trips.
Hang in, bro.
Well, I do like being better than everyone else.
Peter, I had nothing to do with donating your stupid porn! If what you're telling me is true, we can't let them separate.
If Peter leaves, I'll be unborn! Well, she's not gonna stop him.
She's furious.
You're right! And if I know her, she'll be heading to the fridge for her angry afternoon Chardonnay.
I've got an idea! Okay, there it is.
Oh, no! He's leaving! I'm I'm fading away! Peter, wait! What? You want to yell at me some more? No, I want to tell you I'm sorry.
I I don't want you to leave.
Why should I stay if you don't even trust me? I do trust you, Peter.
I don't know what's gotten into us lately.
The important thing is, we're meant to be together.
I love you, Peter.
Aw, I love you, too, Lois.
I'm glad we're staying together.
Honestly, I-I don't know what I would do on my own.
Like, I literally have no idea where food comes from.
I-Is it that guy? Is he the food man? No, Peter, it's not him.
They're making up! It's working! That means soon you will not exist.
Then I guess this is good-bye, Stewie.
I'll miss you.
You've taught me so much.
And you've been a good friend.
And you as well.
Ah! Damn it! Help me, Stewie! Lift it off! Eh, that looks really heavy.
It is! And it's incredibly painful! Please, help! You know, you'll be fading away any moment, you know? It'd be a lot of effort ultimately for nothing.
I'm choking on my own blood! Call someone! Please! Well, again, it was great knowing you.
Ah! You bastard! You'll burn in hell Ugh, finally.
That was an ordeal.
I I did it! I'm back.
Aw, damn it.
I left my ChapStick in the past.
ChapStick! With smooth lips, I will finally be able to be a mayor who kisses babies with confidence! Hey, cracked lips! You'll see! You'll all see! Ooh, scrambled eggs! How delightful.
Thank you, Lois.
Well, you're certainly in a better mood since last night's tantrum.
You know, Brian, I've realized this is where I belong.
For better or worse, I'm a Griffin.
Coward! I have found you! Ah! Well, it took three years, but I am finally through all that porn.