Family Guy s13e01 Episode Script

The Simpsons Guy

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to the All in the Family and Modern Family crossover episode.
Hello, Mr.
We brought some hummus.
Oh, yeah, I knew them two was hummus the minute they walked in the door.
Yay! A crossover always brings out the best in each show! It certainly doesn't smack of desperation.
The priorities are always creative, and not driven by marketing or Okay, that's enough.
Oh, my God! What is it, Peter? Look at this.
Dennis the Menace is just shoveling snow.
He's being helpful.
Might as well just call it Dennis now.
He's not a menace.
Not every strip is gonna be hilarious.
You know something? I could do better than these idiots.
I should just go down to the paper and sell 'em my own.
Well, Peter, you might be underestimating the difficulty of writing a comic strip.
As someone who occasionally dates the creative muse, I can vouch for the unforgiving face of a blank sheet of paper.
In fact, I think it was William Faulkner who said I'm back.
I'm published.
Check it out.
I call my comic For Pete's Sake, because it points out things that make you shake your head and say, "For Pete's sake.
" This one's for tomorrow.
These are good, Peter.
I like how you retell tired old gags with a detached, ironic approach.
Yeah, plus, it's all brand-new jokes that I'm really, really serious about.
Well, good for you, Peter, but how did you get published so quickly? Ah, the editor of the paper owed me a favor.
I got him a picture of Spider-Man.
Why can't anyone get me a picture of the Spider-Man?! Here you go.
Yeah, I got a whole subreddit of superhero thong shots.
Here's your beer, Peter.
Thanks, Jerome.
What do I owe you? Nah, you already paid me in laughs.
I do a lot of island ones.
Peter, you should do one where a baseball player can't steal second, 'cause he's on probation.
For drug crimes.
Yeah, you put an island in there, you're in business.
Hey, how about one where you draw a sock, and it says "Sock it to me," or-or maybe draw Lois taking a hot-tub dump, and she just says whatever? Peter, your comic in this morning's paper is really offensive.
That's not funny, Peter.
Ah, you're just not getting it, Lois.
See, his wife washed dishes for him.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Aha! There you go.
Peter, you should see this.
Your dishwasher cartoon has really outraged the online community.
What? Gosh, it's not like the Internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.
Peter, you have to apologize.
What, because of a joke? Not just a joke, Peter.
A joke that angered some bloggers.
Well, I guess this ain't the first time I got in trouble for something I said about a woman.
Oh, good.
We can steal.
And welcome back to The Flow.
We're talking to Peter Griffin, the artist behind For Pete's Sake, which has caused outrage with a misogynistic comic.
Here's a video of some outrage.
Boo! Yeah, those boos don't hurt so much 'cause you spent two minutes of the last segment applauding a red velvet cake.
Ah! And if that's not bad enough, this morning's cartoon is even worse.
Let's put that up.
Griffin, do you really think this is an appropriate cartoon to run on Gloria Steinem's half-birthday? You sound angry.
Did one of your friends get engaged? You have no idea how offensive you are to women, do you? What?! I love women.
I bet I can name more porn stars than you.
But-but don't tell my wife how many porn stars I know.
I'll get in a lot of trouble.
I know all of 'em, though.
There are people who just started an hour ago, and I know 'em.
Your cartoon is sexist! Down with misogyny! It wasn't even funny, and I have a great sense of humor.
Man, they seem really upset.
I was just trying to make people laugh.
Dad, I'm worried they're gonna hurt us.
No, no, they're angry, Chris, but they ain't gonna get violent.
Oh, cool! That brick I ordered.
Wait a minute.
I didn't order this brick.
You may be right, Chris.
Peter, this is getting out of hand.
I don't feel safe in my own home.
Maybe we should get out of Quahog for a while.
You know, she's right.
We should get out of town till this all blows over.
Okay, we'll go, but just give me a minute.
I just want to turn in my last For Pete's Sake.
going out on top amid a flurry of gambling rumors.
Peter, where are we? I don't know.
I just woke up, too.
I tied the steering wheel to my belt.
I figure we've been on the road about 20% of the time.
Dad, how long until we can go back home? Um, I don't know.
How long do women hold grudges? Not very long, I'm guessing.
Oh, Peter, we've been driving all night.
Pull over to that gas station.
We can use the bathroom and stretch our legs.
You got it, babe.
Did you call me "babe"? I did.
Oh, Peter.
Ew! Mom! You'll never have this, Meg.
All right, back in the car, kids.
For this leg of the trip, I was thinking of driving with my shirt off like New Mexico trash.
Oh, my God! Our car! Someone's stealing it.
Ah, crap.
Although, I got to say, you never get to see somebody else driving your car.
It's kind of cool.
Kind of weird.
We're stuck here, Peter! And we don't even know where we are.
Well, there's a sign.
Huh, guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Springfield, eh? What state? I can't imagine we're allowed to say.
Well, this Springfield place seems nice.
We should visit here again.
I don't know, Lois.
This seems like a one-shot deal.
Guys, we ain't here for fun, all right? We're here to find the police, report our stolen car.
Oh, and don't drink the water.
Everybody around here looks like they have hepatitis.
Dad, I'm starving.
Can we get some food?! Lois, whip out your boob, give the boy his lunch.
Listen to the man.
Yeah, Lois, listen to the man.
How about we just go into that store there? Uh, uh, excuse me? Hello.
Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Let me unplug that.
Oh, such a nuisance! Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland.
What's the specialty of the house? To you, I recommend the donut.
Ooh! Yum! Have you guys seriously never heard of donuts? These are made fresh every day.
And then, several days later, we receive them and make them available for purchase.
Hey, are these are these free? 'Cause I forgot to mention, all our money is in our stolen car.
Thank you.
Come again.
Sir, we can pay you back for the donuts when we find our car.
Do you think that I am moved by your sob story? I come from a country where the words for "sewage" and "beverage" are the same.
I'll pay for their donuts.
Thank you so much, sir.
For what? I didn't say anything.
It was me.
How come this convenience store has so many shadowy parts? Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.
Wow! For real?! No man should be so poor he cannot pay for a donut.
I was once you.
I couldn't afford donuts.
Tell them what I did, Apu.
He stole the donuts.
I stole the donuts.
So, here you go.
eight donuts.
That's very nice of you, Mister? Simpson.
Homer Simpson.
We're the Griffins.
Peter, Lois, Stewie, and then, uh, you know, the others.
Brian, I guess.
Well, enjoy your six donuts.
Yummy donut.
That's pretty good, but try it like this.
I think you and I are gonna get along just okay.
Yeah, all right, we'll be there.
But if you want to save us a little time, you can start tracing his body with chalk.
This is the police station.
Be careful.
I think some of them might be cops.
Oh, hey there.
Cool hat, weird nose.
Hey, listen, my car got stolen.
I was hoping you could help.
Well, we got a procedure for handling alleged crimes around here.
Let's see.
Uh, did you contribute to the policeman's ball? No.
Oh, that's too bad, 'cause he really needs one.
He had an accident last week.
Yeah, I tried to jump over a parking meter.
Yeah, all right, well, with no contribution, your report goes right into the circular file.
I got to be honest.
I don't usually check this file, so it might be a while until we find that car of yours.
Uh, Chief, that excuse to leave you asked for is here.
Oh, sorry, I got to take this.
It never ends.
Oh, thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.
And now this again.
You bring home two bands of hippie murderers, and suddenly, that's all you're about.
Well, what do you say we have some lunch? Where's Bart? Well, he's at camp all week.
I'm sorry you won't get to meet him.
Got kicked out of camp.
I superglued my counselor's butt cheeks together.
That's terrible.
But how did you even get access to his butt cheeks? I'm not the only one who got kicked out of camp.
This is Bart.
Honey, your hands are filthy.
Go wash up for lunch.
Eat my shorts! "Eat my shorts.
" I love that! Is that a popular expression, like "what the deuce"? Probably more popular.
Probably probably way more popular.
Well, here's my room.
Hey, you want to see my weapons closet? You have a weapons closet, too? Ouch! Jesus heard my mean thought! A slingshot! It's so simple and pure.
He doesn't need lasers or time machines, just gum balls and marbles and balls of string.
He's like something out of Mark Twain! Whose real name was Samuel Clemens.
How how does that further this conversation? Hey, you want to make a prank phone call? Ooh, prank phone call! Moe's Tavern.
Moe speaking.
Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Keebum, first name Lee.
Uh, hang on, I'll check.
Hey, guys, do I got a Lee Keebum? Come on, look at the stools-- is there a Lee Keebum? Somebody check the rear-- I know I got a Lee Keebum.
Then you probably shouldn't be handling food.
Oh, my God, that's amazing! That's the coolest thing ever! Hey, I want to try.
Moe's Tavern.
Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped.
Is that is that one? So, this is my room.
Please excuse the mess.
There, that's better.
Look at all these trophies! There must be, like, 20 of them! a lot of trophies of your own.
I'm not good at anything.
Oh, Meg, I'm sure you're good at something.
We just have to find out what it is.
After all, Nelson Mandela said it's our obligation to shine.
You mean like my oily face and back? No.
Maybe don't sit on my bedspread, please.
But I mean the light within you that makes you an individual.
Meg, you need to know that you matter.
Really? No one's ever told me I mattered before.
That's why you have to say it.
So say it.
I matter.
Louder! I matter! Shut up, Meg! You don't matter! Hey, couldn't help but notice there's no seat for me.
I was under the impression that you were a dog.
You're right to have that reaction, Marge.
Why, I just figured, at home I sit with the family, so I assumed that Have you ever drunk out of a toilet? I-I don't see what that has to do with the discussion.
Dogs eat in the kitchen.
Yeah, dogs eat in the kitchen.
Y-You know, you're eating mostly horse hooves and tallow, right? You cool with that? Oh, and the ones that fall on the floor, you just eat those up, too, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, you do.
So, is that is that, like, your thing? You eat loud? I I'm-I'm sorry, I don't know what That's a gutter language.
Are you making friends in there, Brian? Yep, he's a lot of laughs.
Wow, you work at a nuclear power plant? What's that? I don't know.
Pretty impressive.
I just work at a brewery.
Oh, my God, you get to work with beer?! Wow! What's beer really like? Eh, he's got a big head.
Hey, you know-- aw, damn it, I don't have a comic strip anymore.
So, still no word from the police on your stolen car? The cops here are a joke.
I bet you and me can find your car on our own.
You think so? Yeah.
'Cause Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are a great team! A greater team than Than Uh-huh, keep going.
Than something else.
Something else? I don't know what this is.
O-Okay, I'll do it.
Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are an even greater team than the Air Force! Hold steady.
I got him in my sights.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah-heh-heh! Yeah, we did it.
What's he doing here? We got to carry him, 'cause he can't fly on his own.
We let that other guy try, and look what happened.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Wow, they've made a lot of changes to Quahog! Chris, we're in a different town.
Oh Is that why there was blood in my stool? No.
That-that sounds like a separate issue.
God, I can't believe I got stuck taking their stupid dog for a walk.
Stupid? Well, I don't know, I think he's kind of fun.
What, are you kidding? He doesn't do anything.
You know, it's not his fault, though.
He doesn't know any better.
He's been on a leash his whole life.
Hey, you know what? Come here, Santa's Stupid Name.
You're a grown dog-- start acting like one.
Come here, boy.
Hey, stop that dog! Sorry.
We're on a smoke break.
Nothing beats smoking and standing.
Although smoking and sitting does have its moments.
You always have to argue with me.
Oh, thank goodness! I was starting to think you wouldn't show, Dr.
Boy, you really like to bleed, huh, guy? Hey, there's a dog in the dining area! How'd that happen? Get back in there.
Which one is Santa's Little Helper? I don't know.
You're the one who sniffed his butt.
Yeah, for, like, a second! Damn it, he's gone.
We're screwed.
Welcome to Krusty Burger.
May I take your order? Your voice sounds stupid.
Oh, my God, that was great! I mean, unless you think it sucked, in which case it sucked.
It was all right, dude.
Yeah, dude.
So, you know, um, I'm only wearing this diaper as a dare, you know-- it's not, like, an everyday thing.
Hey, loser, I copied off your spelling test and got a D! Haw-haw! I say, how long has that boy been treating you like that? Uh about 24 years.
Aah! Just who I was looking for! Cowabunga.
All right, Peter, if we're gonna find your car, we got to think like a car.
So let's fill up at that gas station.
I feel sick.
Keep drinking.
I prepaid 40 bucks! Homer, maybe we're doing this wrong.
Oh, crap.
Haben Sie Homer und Peter MIT Chevron pump? Okay, I got a great idea how we're gonna find my stolen car.
We'll throw a car wash-- free for stolen cars! And then when we find it, we'll actually charge the guy! Well, none of these is my car, but we promised these scumbags a show.
Love is like a bomb, baby, come on, get it on Livin' like a lover with a radar phone Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp Demolition woman, can I be your man? Yeah! So come on, take a bottle Shake it up Break the bubble Break it up Pour some Sugar on me Ooh, in the name of love Pour some Sugar on me Come on, fire me up Pour your Sugar on me I can't get enough Hey, Chief, we could arrest every single car thief in Springfield.
After the show, Lou, after the show.
I don't know! I feel like I'm good at nothing! Hey, everyone gets down on themselves sometimes.
Those are the days I'm glad I have my saxophone.
Saxophone? Yeah.
My dad gave it to me.
My dad once gave me a gun to hide.
That's terrible.
Whenever I feel any pain or loneliness, I just play away the blues on my saxophone.
I usually just beat up a cat.
Good thing we don't have a cat.
Why don't you give it a shot? Was that good? It was okay, but it would be a shame to waste such great butcher's arms on a musical instrument.
Wakey, wakey.
Good morning.
You and I have quite a day ahead of us.
Oh, that's a clown I painted, so you know I'm truly insane.
You know, Nelson, I don't doubt that you've had a twisted childhood.
Most evil people have.
Hitler, Manson, Jaden Smith.
But you're different from them, aren't you? Because they're rail-thin, and you're fat.
You're a little piggy, aren't you, Nelson? In fact, I bet you're hungry right now.
What's that? I could eat.
Because you're going to eat my shorts.
Homer, you're never going to believe what we did.
We saw a movie in the afternoon! Yeah, we saw Surf's Up 2.
Marge covered her eyes every time the penguins surfed.
It made me nervous.
They could drown.
Hey, where's Santa's Little Helper? Brian, you took him for a walk, right? Uh, yeah, yeah.
More-more like he took me for a walk.
God, what a what a fun dog.
He's in the kitchen right now, totally accounted for.
Shut up.
I'll, uh I'll go check on him right now.
And Chris will come with me.
But nobody else! BRIAN Ruff! Ruff, ruff! Ah, there he is! Aw, you like that behind the ear, don't you, boy? Ruff! Ruff, ruff! Ruff, ruff! I'm another dog in here! What the hell are you doing? He's having a dog playdate.
How does that help us? We're creating a broad story.
Also, Matthew McConaughey is in here, too! "All right, all right, all right.
" No, no, he's-he's not really in here! He's We-we thought it was him, but it was just the oven! Now you're just doing voices.
Jack Nicholson?! Okay, Santa's Little Helper got all tuckered out from his playdate, so he went out back to take a nap under that tree where nobody knows quite where it is.
Hey, what happened to Jack Nicholson and that other dog? Yep.
Wait, aren't you supposed to be looking for our car? Didn't find the car, Lois, but I found a good time with a good pal.
Right, Homer? Hey, Quagmire who, right? Yeah, Quagmire who? That's an actual question.
I don't know who Quagmire is.
Peter, I'm glad you made a friend, but what about our car? Yeah, I got an idea about that.
What's the one surefire way to find a lost car? Giant magnet? Giant magnet.
Giant magnet? Check.
Giant plug? Check.
Giant curbside outlet? Oh, things never work the way they do on the box.
Okay, let's get this garbage out of the street.
Oh, dear, I was using that car as pants.
Oh, my God, Dad, it's our car! That confused old guy must have been driving it by mistake.
How many confused old guys you got in this town? I'm old, so I'm the victim! Well, Homer, thanks for helping me get my car back.
And to show my appreciation, I got a little something for you.
Here you go.
Pawtucket Patriot Ale.
The best Quahog has to offer.
Always keep an emergency six-pack in my trunk.
Oh, that's cool, bringing outside beer into my bar.
Down the hatch! That's pretty good, right? No.
Huh? It's not good.
This beer tastes exactly like Duff.
It's just a lousy rip-off.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not a rip-off of Duff.
It may have been inspired by Duff, but I-I like to think it goes in a different direction.
No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about.
Hell, I work for the company.
It's my livelihood.
Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud.
Look at this.
Huh? It is Duff.
Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own! Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great.
Duff is an icon! Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I-I used to love Duff when I was younger, but I-I haven't even had it in, like, 13 years.
Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery, and you, sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement.
Aha! Intellectual theft! What do you have to say about that, Griffin? D'oh! The Pawtucket Patriot Brewery being sued? It's the largest employer in Quahog, Peter.
A lot of people's jobs are riding on this.
Yeah, I got a job for you riding on something.
Peter! Sorry! Sorry, Lois, I'm-I'm tired 'cause we usually only do these things for half an hour.
Nice day, isn't it? A nice day for stabbing a friend in the back.
Yeah, and a nice day for bringing thieves to justice.
We're getting a lot of compliments.
Yep, we're doing something right.
Your Honor, citizens of Springfield and visitors from Quahog, my client, the Duff Brewery, is the victim of flagrant intellectual theft.
I'm whispering in court to look smart.
But it's not just the main Duff recipe that's been plagiarized.
Several other Duff variations, packages and design elements have been similarly infringed, resulting again and again in pale imitations, chp coes, clumsy counterfeits and weak substitutions.
You like sex? Eh.
I don't think we're very similar.
You know why they got us sitting next to each other.
Uh, 'cause we're the two funniest guys in our towns? Damn right.
I'm a Jewish clown.
Me, too.
Are you a mayor? Yes, I am.
Are you a "cool" mayor? I, uh I like to think so.
You lived in Springfield? Yeah, I worked at the Kwik-E-Mart, researching a role.
These guys are gonna lose.
I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision.
If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original.
They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock.
- Oh, ho, ho! - Ooh! But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to yabba-dabba-do! Eh.
And I find in favor of Duff.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Hello? Uh, hey.
I'm-I'm in the wrong Springfield.
So what's going to happen now? Well, the Pawtucket Brewery will be shut down, so I guess we got to go back to Quahog and find Peter a new job.
Mmm, that's too bad.
Anyways, it was still nice to meet you and your family, even though you kind of screwed us over.
Good to have you.
And, hey, next time you stay with a family, maybe you can wear a bra some of the time.
Hey, uh, Marge, uh, listen, there's something difficult that I've been trying to figure out how to tell you, and, um it's about, uh, Santa's Little Helper.
What about him? He's, um right there.
You were trying to figure out a way to tell me that? I overthink things sometimes.
Oh, and, look, he's with Ed McMahon! Hey-o! Here's Johnny! Chris, we're done.
You may be, but "I'm just getting warmed up!" That's Al Pacino.
Thanks for being so cool, Lisa.
I cut your name in my arm so I'll always remember you.
Meg, I want you to have this.
Your saxophone? Yes, Meg.
When you played the saxophone, Lisa, no one has ever done anything this nice for me.
You're amazing, and I will never be like you.
I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not talented.
I have the same shoe size as Charles Barkley.
My prom date was a scarecrow I stole, and he left with someone else.
The inside of my hat smells so bad I'm not allowed in most restaurants Hey, hey! Shut up, Meg.
No luggage.
Car's full.
Let's go.
Well, nice knowing you, Stewie.
Same here, Bart.
Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got you a little present.
Is that Nelson? Stewie, what the deuce? Yes, I Oh! Oh, that's nice.
You got that from me.
'Cause, you know, I was starting to worry this was a one-way thing.
You kidnapped him? I kidnapped all your enemies.
Nelson, Jimbo, Principal Skinner, Sideshow Bob, Apu.
I know Apu's not your enemy, but I just wanted to say, "I took Apu.
" That is funny! But the rest of this? It's messed up, man.
I know! Isn't it awesome? So, how do you want to keep in touch? Facebook? Twitter? Late-night phone calls lying on our tummies with our feet up in the air? Stewie, I don't think we can be friends.
You freak me out.
Bart, if we don't keep in touch, I'll kill myself.
That's what I'm talking about.
Later, dude! Later dude.
Haw-haw! Aw.
Hey, Griffin.
Sorry about your job.
I was just sticking up for Duff.
I love Duff.
And Duff loves me.
Duff can keep a secret.
Duff never says no.
Duff is more experimental than any partner I've ever had.
Anyway, the point is, I'm sorry.
You know, when I first met you, I thought, hey, I love this guy! This is the funniest guy I've ever met.
I'm gonna quote this guy to all my friends.
I love his town, I love his family.
But now, I think I speak for all of us when I say, I am over the Simpsons! Wh-What are you saying? I'm saying the Simpsons suck! Why, you Ow! What the hell? That really hurts.
No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time.
You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time.
That's your son! Phew! Hey! Knock it off! There's a kid back there! I'm in danger.
Hey, that's no fair.
I don't got none of them.
Hey, hey! Uh-oh.
Damn it! And remember, kids, TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple.
The earthlings are destroying themselves.
Yeah, it's really great, isn't it, guys? We went to summer camp together.
Bye! Thanks for having me.
Huh? It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury Oh, I talked too long.
- We're gonna make it! - Trust me, we're not.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Whoa! Whoo-hoo! Road house.
Aah-aah! Say hi to Maude Flanders.
You say hi to Muriel Goldman.
Who? What are you still doing here? I think you're gonna get a kick out of this.
You're parked behind me at your place.
That is funny.
Hey, listen, I I'm sorry we fought.
I just wanted to make you laugh and cry.
You see, I'm a Family Guy.
I understand.
I'm a The Simpsons.
Look, even if we don't work as best pals, I respect you.
You, too.
Let's just agree to stay a half hour away from each other.
With a pile of garbage between us.
Worst chicken fight ever.
It sure is nice to be back in Quahog.
Oh, and thank God all the commotion about Dad's comic blew over.
Oh, my God, I had a comic? That's hilarious! Well, you may not be a cartoonist anymore, but you are a local hero for defending our beer, and apparently, that's more important than hating women.
So here you go, a Pawtucket Patriot Ale.
What? I don't understand.
Ain't the brewery out of business? We lost a court case.
Yes, we lost, but how are they gonna enforce it? What, are they gonna come here? I think we know that's never gonna happen.
Hey, Stewie, I'm sorry Bart didn't want to be your friend.
What? No! What are you talking about? He was lame.
If you ask me, he kind of sounded like a girl.
Really? Kind of seemed like you idolized him.
And I can understand losing a friend and feeling rejected.
Course you can! You're a loser.
But not me.
I'm a lone wolf.
Speaking of which, I'm gonna go howl at the moon.
Don't need nobody.
And now the show is over now.