Family Guy s13e14 Episode Script


It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Say, you fellas know if Jerome serves dessert here? I got a real hankering for pudding.
That's so weird.
I was just thinking about pudding on the way over here.
Okay, well, you two are clearly in love, but I could also go for some pudding.
Why we all got pudding on the brain? It's got to be that new billboard advertising pudding on the highway.
We all drove past it on the way here.
Well, that's no surprise.
Everyone in my house can get very excited by a good ad campaign.
Lois! Lois, it's back! I heard, Peter! I heard! Kids, kids, it's happening! Get your coats! This is what we practiced for! I love you, Dad! I love you, too, sweetheart! None of the past matters! Oh, yeah, I seen that pudding billboard.
It's that one that says "CBS Outdoor Advertising" on it.
Yeah, but right above that is, like, a big guy eating pudding.
I don't remember none of that.
I just remember "CBS Outdoor Advertising" on the bottom and three pigeons sitting on top.
You're bad at looking at billboards.
Hey, we should go check it out right now.
Ordinarily I'd say no, but that adult kickball league is coming in for drinks, so let's get out of here.
Guys, check it out.
I've got flip-up shades on my flip-up shades.
Dude, you are the worst.
Hey, we're all the worst.
That's real pudding in there.
What? No, it isn't.
They wouldn't put real pudding on a billboard, Peter.
Do you have any idea how crippled you sound right now? Peter, it's not real pudding.
God, sometimes I just want to shake some sense into you.
Big talk for a guy who looks like a dad at a Dave Matthews' concert.
Everybody hates how you dress, right, Joe? Sorry, I stay out of fashion debates.
I've been burned one too many times.
Hey, guys, notice anything different? Yeah, Minetti's got a hot new look.
The whole thing, it just works.
Look, there's only one way to settle this.
I am climbing that billboard to prove it's real pudding.
Moisturizer? Sure.
We getting on into the chappy season.
Peter, be careful up there! Is this being careful enough, Joe? Okay.
All right.
Peter, are you okay?! All right, there's no pudding, but there is a kid up here.
Don't hold him like that.
Oh, my God! Peter, that's the lost Nicholson kid! He's been missing for a week! Oh, yeah.
They arrested a custodian 'cause of you.
Peter, stay put.
I'll call this in, and we'll get a crew out here to help you both down.
All right, but can you hurry it up? I got band practice later.
I love playing the maracas.
They're so fun.
I wonder what's in them.
Sand or rice probably.
Maybe it's little shells.
Oh, no, what if it's bones? No, no, bones are too big.
But baby bones aren't.
No, no, no, nobody would kill a bunch of babies for maracas.
How would you kill all those babies anyway? I'd probably put them in a tub.
You could kill, like, eight at a time that way.
Plus, it softens them up, so you can get the bones right out.
Joe just had a baby.
And I got a baby at home.
I got a tub.
Peter, you seem off today.
Are you thinking about killing infants again? No.
Now you got to kill them, too.
Mikey, you're safe! Thank you so much for finding my boy.
Thank you for finding her boy.
I'm the stepfather.
Peter Griffin, in recognition of your heroism in helping to rescue little Mikey Nicholson, I'd like to present you with this key to the city.
Now don't forget to water the plants every other day and change the cat's litter.
I'll see you in two weeks.
No parties.
Thank you, Mayor West.
You know, some of you out there are calling me a hero.
Others are calling me a hoagie.
Those of you from Connecticut are calling me a grinder.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not just pieces of meat between pieces of bread.
I am a man who unintentionally saves kids.
and no one's ever clapped for me.
Except for that one sarcastic gay guy.
Great observation.
I know you mean the opposite of what you're saying.
Fact is, when I saved that boy, I wasn't thinking.
I don't think.
I just do.
I wanted to see if a billboard had real pudding in it, so I climbed up there and came out a hero.
It's just like Gandhi always said, eat as much as you want and do whatever, and don't be afraid to hit each other.
Way to go, Dad.
Peter, that thing you said about not thinking and just doing stuff, did you mean that? Sure I did, Joe.
I never stop to think.
That's why I've had ringworm I will roll in anything.
You know what, you're right.
And it's time I do the same thing.
Hey, Chief.
It's Swanson.
I quit.
Joe Swanson.
I don't know if Ray Swanson's quitting.
You'd have to ask him.
Okay, you just called me Ray again.
I just want to confirm that you understand that this is Joe.
No, not "see you tomorrow.
" Joe, what are you doing? You can't quit your job.
Well, that's the other thing, Bonnie.
You and I are done, too.
What?! I'm leaving you.
New Joe! Wow.
I can't remember the last time Joe shot his gun.
I know.
That bullet's been rolling around in his junk drawer for years.
Hey, Ma, guess where I am? Yeah, can you hear it? Flying through the air.
I don't know what he shot at.
I guess I'll just have to find out when I land.
No, don't put Terry on.
You-you can just tell him.
Hi, Terry.
Oh, God.
What? "What?" You know what.
I think it looks good.
You are, you are just trying anything, aren't you? Just searching for an identity, man.
And you think this is gonna be it, huh? Oh, God, whatever.
Peter, I'm worried about Joe.
You know, not only did he quit his job, he's moved out and gotten his own apartment.
Oh, I feel terrible for Bonnie and the kids.
Ah, they'll be fine.
They'll bounce back.
Just like Humpty Dumpty did after his fall.
My God, it's a miracle! You were able to put me back together again.
Yeah, it was actually a pretty simple procedure.
Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional and skip the horses and illiterate servants.
Well, that is the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall.
Wait, wait, Quagmire, hold up.
I got a great knock.
Oh, I got to remember that.
Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going? Hey, buddy.
How you doing? You okay? Everything okay? I'm talking like this because I'm being very careful not to upset you, and for some reason this is the voice people use to do that.
I'm great.
Come on in.
Check out the new pad.
Whoa! You got an air hockey table? Yep.
Wanted it, got it.
That's the new Joe.
And check this out.
It's the gun that no-leg sprinter used to kill his girlfriend.
Oh, my God! Eh, anyone who's kind of fast gets a free pass from me.
What kind of person would want to buy that? I'll tell you who.
The kind of guy who's always got butterscotch candies for his friends.
Okay, now that's pretty cool.
I got to be honest, Joe, we came over here because we were worried about you, but these candies tell me you're doing great.
I've never been better.
I was living my life all wrong.
But not anymore.
No more thinking, just living.
Well, it seems like you made the right choice, Joe.
I mean, I ain't seen anyone this happy since the invention of the penny-farthing bicycle.
Eureka! Watch it go.
Higher than you, faster than you, better than you.
Everyone just stop inventing stuff now, 'cause no one will ever top this.
Oh, no! Keep rakes away.
I expressly said no rakes allowed on the street when I am riding my futuristic machine.
Children, this is progress! How can you turn a blind eye to progress?! I expressly said "no rakes.
" 'Sup, ladies? Oh, we're not ladies, you.
Hey, what's with the suitcase? I got a surprise.
What would you guys think of a road trip? Yeah! All right, I'm in! Awesome, road trip! I love being super pumped for 15 minutes and then bored out of my mind for eight hours.
Where we going? Well, I was thinking Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls? Ain't that just for lovers? Nah, it's for everybody.
It's great to just stand there and let Mother Nature spray it all over your face.
Donna's big fat aunt is in town, so I can definitely go.
Man, I am filling these Gatorade bottles as fast as I'm drinking them.
Ah, sweet! Cows! Let's tip them over.
What? You want to tip over some cows? Hell yeah! This is gonna be so boss.
I can't wait.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
All right, cow.
This is what you get for standing.
That was awesome.
I want to kiss that cow, but I don't want it to be my idea.
Hey, Peter, you should kiss that cow.
All right, Peter, that was fortuitous.
But play it cool.
Oh, Cleveland, I couldn't.
Quagmire, you should kiss that cow.
Sure, why not? Okay, they're sleeping.
We're gonna have to party in the bathroom.
Be careful around the really fat one.
He's kind of like my boss.
What? Who-who's there? Joe, what the hell are you doing? I went to a high school kegger party.
Made a few new friends.
This is Chrysalis, Ichabod and Cancer.
Oh, I see three young men who could use the tickle monster.
Uh, that's a bad read, Pete.
Joe, it's 3:00 in the morning.
We're trying to get some sleep.
You guys are lame.
We're gonna go smoke something called "croak.
" God, what the hell has gotten into Joe? I don't know, Quagmire.
Maybe you could ask the tickle monster! Stop it! Here he comes! No! Get away! He's gonna get ya! Look out! Great, now I'm fully up.
Here we are, guys, Niagara Falls.
We showed them.
We showed them all! Showed who? What the hell's he talking about? I don't know.
I stopped listening to him back at the drive-thru when he leaned out the window and ordered a "fur burger.
" That's not funny; that's just nasty.
Plus, there's people waiting behind you! Wow.
You know, when you see it up close, it really is incredible.
Holy crap, it's beautiful.
In the future, I believe there will be water wars.
You know, Lois always dreamed about coming here, and now I know why.
She was even saving money for it.
You made it, Lois.
You made it.
Didn't I tell you guys? It's the most magnificent place in the world.
And the greatest place to end it all.
Good-bye, fellas.
Oh, my God, Joe killed himself! It's so weird that he argued over the price of breakfast this morning.
It makes no sense! Damn it! Joe? Joe, you're alive! Are you hurt? I'm not sure.
Well, hang in there, Joe, we'll get some help.
No! Just let me die! Oh, no, can't do that, Joe.
We're friends.
We look out for each other.
I mean, you supported me that day I accidentally wore Lois's jeans.
Peter, you know you're wearing I know.
I think there was a mix-up.
Oh, thank you, Jazzercize.
Don't worry, Joe.
They're coming for you.
Yay! My backpack.
Hang in there, Joe.
After they get that lady's hat, you're next.
Thank you.
It's windy up here.
Joe, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you try to kill yourself? Why do you think? I'm worthless.
But y-you've been so happy these last few days.
I've been manic.
Do you think Andy Dick is happy? I couldn't imagine, no.
Look, when I saw Peter become a hero, I guess it reminded me of all the things I can't do.
I'm a cop who can't save anyone.
I'm a husband in a legless marriage.
My whole life is a joke.
But somehow, as soon as I decided to kill myself, I actually felt free.
Almost giddy.
I can finally kiss this worthless life good-bye.
Let me get this straight.
The whole point of bringing us to Niagara Falls was just to kill yourself? I'm sorry I tricked you guys into coming.
I just wanted to spend my last week with my best pals.
Well, not for nothing, but you could've taken us all to Disney World and shot yourself in the room.
Come on, Joe, there's plenty of reasons to live.
Like, like, you're handsome.
You have a handsome face.
Well, he's got a good chin.
I don't know about handsome.
Yeah, he's not handsome, but I will say this, he keeps a good lawn.
Yeah, some might say the second best lawn in the neighborhood.
Hey, wait, where's Joe? Joe, wait! I stink at this.
Anywhere is fine.
Guys, this is unnecessary.
Give me my chair back.
No, we can't trust you not to kill yourself.
Yeah, then you'd be the tenth friend who's killed himself in front of me.
Is that true? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven those two girls and Yeah, yeah, ten.
Look, you guys, what we really need to do is bring him back to Quahog where we can get him some help.
That's a good idea.
We should just go home.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's too bad we already bought those tickets for the Whirlpool Aero Car.
That's $16 we're not getting back.
Yeah, what a waste of money.
It is only a ten-minute ride, you know.
Okay, we'll do the Whirlpool Aero Car, and then take Joe back to Quahog.
What about the White Water Walk? Okay, okay, Whirlpool Aero Car, then White Water Walk, then we bring Joe back.
Well, you can't do Niagara Falls without riding the Maid of the Mist.
Yeah, let's do everything.
Great! And, guys, remember, the pool towels go home with us.
They got no way of accounting for those.
Well, this has just been one heck of a fun day.
Yeah, you know, seeing the natural beauty of this place is actually making me feel much better.
Hey, you mind opening that door? Get a little breeze in here? Sure.
Peter, no! I don't regret it.
The breeze is nice.
Oh, crap, I'm losing my grip! You buy your jeans at Wal-Mart? No, somebody who lost theirs at the church did.
You wear lost-and-found jeans? I waited the mandatory week.
Hang on, guys! Don't worry, I'm coming! What's that thing he's on? It's a chair with wheels! He's an absolute dream.
Guys, keep swallowing water.
We'll drink our way out of this.
Guys, grab on to my legs! Got it! Ew.
You know, this is actually the first time I've ever touched Joe.
Don't worry, I gotcha.
Oh, thank God, Joe.
I thought I was dead! I even pictured my own funeral.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve I don't know, Chris.
I don't know why he wanted this, but we're honoring your father's wishes.
Ah, I'm gonna miss my daddy! Joe, that was amazing.
You saved us.
Yeah, I guess I did.
You know, I spent the whole time trying to kill myself, but it took seeing you guys almost die to realize that life really is worth living.
See, Joe, you're a hero, too.
And we wouldn't trade you for any friend in the world.
I'm lucky to have you guys in my life.
We're four friends Having an adventure Four friends Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that song? Nothing.
I made it up.
Well, stop it.
It's terrible.
I don't think so.
It's catchy.
We're four friends Having an adventure Four friends Having an adventure Four friends Ah, what the hell.
Having an adventure Four friends Having an adventure At Niagara Falls.
Wow, that was awesome.
Yeah, definitely.
All right, okay, don't anyone sing anything else until we get home.
We got to record this.
Yeah, that'll be great.
I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Come on, Barbie, let's go party! Peter, damn it, no! Wait, wait, we got to remember the other one.
What was it, Joe? It's gone.
Well, that was kind of a weird trip, but I'm glad we went.
Yeah, I love Niagara Falls.
I was the only black man ever to go there.
The tourists were taking pictures of me.
One of them thought I was a bear.
Hey, guys.
Wow, Joe, you got your job back? Sure did.
How'd you pull that off? Ah, they always need more cops.
Turns out not many people want to probably get shot for $24,000 a year.
And what about Bonnie? How you getting her back? Well, I got a plan for that.
I hired some guys to come to the house on Tuesday and assault her, and I'll come in and save her, and she'll be so grateful, she'll have to take me back.
Joe, today's Tuesday.
Well, poop.