Family Guy s13e15 Episode Script

Once Bitten

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.
Snakes.
Why did it have to be snakes? Elderly potheads.
Why did it have to be elderly potheads? Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm? Brian, are you feeling all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
It just seems kind of Oh, my God! Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well.
You got to take him to the vet.
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet.
I was throwing up all night last night.
Good start.
Keep it up, snack pack.
Peter, you got to take him now! L-Lois, it's probably just something I ate.
I-I'm fine.
Really.
I-I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.
Horny on a big boat Horny on a big boat! I'm very sick from lobster.
Brian, your blood work shows that your liver isn't functioning properly.
Would you happen to be a drinker? Well, I don't know if I'd label myself a drinker.
I know I like a cold beer after I mow the lawn.
There were three lies in that sentence.
Brian, have you ever heard of Lou Gehrig's disease? Oh, no! Well, you have Mickey Mantle's disease.
Now, the most obvious step would simply be to stop drinking.
Or? Well, we do have these pills that may correct the enzyme imbalance in your liver.
Yeah, that one.
Okay, I'll be in the waiting room barking at the fish in the tank.
All right, Mr.
Griffin, these pills will clear up Brian's condition.
But unfortunately, they only come in suppository form.
Uh It means they have to be inserted into the patient's anus.
Oh, you're a dirty doctor, aren't you? Mr.
Griffin, I'm not joking-- or a doctor.
Now, you'll need to administer these pills, because no dog ever voluntarily takes a suppository.
Well, one in ten does.
Oh, I know the one-- Brian's cousin Jasper.
His bum looks like that guy with a hundred cigarettes in his mouth.
Hey, Chris, I noticed you were sitting alone.
You mind if I join you? Sure.
We both have hats.
Makes sense.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, can you check my back for "kick me" signs? Oh, yeah, you got a couple.
This one says you're a "dirty kick.
" That doesn't say "kick," but thanks, I'll keep that one for my lawsuit.
Boys, I got a new home gym.
Why are you telling us that? Just letting people know.
Don't want anyone to get freaked out by the transformation.
I got to say, it feels kind of weird having someone join me for lunch.
Well, it's only natural, Chris.
You and I are social exiles.
We're the Khaleesi and Jorah Mormont of this school.
Sure, I'll agree to keep the conversation going.
Well, time to break out my terrible Jewish bag lunch.
Let's see.
Smoked whitefish, herring in cream sauce, smoked sable-- that's a different kind of whitefish-- and for dessert, the only bad cookie in the world.
Hey, what's it like buying food from school? It's good.
I know everyone back there, so they let me drink their corn water.
Boy, it's so great having someone I can talk to.
I feel the same way, Chris.
I think you and I could get along very nicely.
Yeah.
We'll be a better team than the Warsaw Globetrotters.
Dribble, dribble, dribble Tuck in shirt Give to my friend Spin on finger Two rotations Dream about window Put away basketball, go to work In calcium mine.
All right, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet.
Oh, yeah, right.
Can we do what we normally do, where you roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me? Yeah, I guess, but then you're gonna have cheese in your ass.
W-Wait, what? Yeah, the doctor said I got to give you these pills the butt way.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not happening.
No, no, no.
I do not go the butt way.
Look, I know it sounds a little rough, but why don't we start with a gentle massage of the area and see how you feel? Peter, get away from my ass! Br-Brian! No! Huh.
Guess I'm just gonna have to take him by surprise.
Shouldn't be too hard.
After all, I used to be a Pete-in-the-box.
Goes the weasel! All right, if I'm gonna give Brian his medicine, I should probably watch that old episode of Lassie where Timmy has to give her a suppository.
What's that, Lassie? You feel sick? What's wrong, girl? A supposi-what? What am I supposed to do with it? Gosh.
I Well, if you're in that much pain, I-I guess.
Okay.
You were lying? You weren't feeling sick? I don't understand.
Why did you want me to do this? What?! He was in on it? It was just a prank? You guys are gross! Kids, everybody, family meeting! There's too much passing gas in this house.
So from now on, anytime you got to cut one, you pull your pants down and you do it through this fart hole.
Are you insane? Lois, it's okay-- it's all a trick.
As soon as Brian does it, I'm gonna be on the other side, and I'll stick the suppository in.
No.
Absolutely not.
I am not living like this.
You think Morgan Fairchild has a fart hole in her house? Morgan, the coq Au vin is divine.
But so rich.
Will you excuse me? Where do our Hollywood farts go? I've heard they're filtered into Tom Sizemore's house.
Ah Morgan.
Hey, no, no.
No, no, Brian.
No, no.
You win.
You win.
I quit.
It's your liver; you do whatever you want.
Well, thank you.
Yes, it is my liver, and I don't want to take that pill.
Fine.
We're both in agreement.
So let's just both watch TV.
And nothing else.
Sounds good to me.
I'm glad you think it sounds good.
It's nice to watch TV when you have nothing else to do, isn't it? Yeah.
Get over here, you idiot! Peter! What the hell? I'm still in charge of you! Stop it! Get away from me! I'm a human! This is for your benefit, so just go limp and take it! You touch my ass, I swear to God I'll kill you! Wha What the hell? You you bit me! You're damn right I did! And I'll do it again if you don't stay the hell away from my ass! But, Brian, the vet said Wow, where did that come from? God, that was so intense.
I feel more powerful than a lesbian's crotch.
Ooh, sorry, ma'am, we don't valet motorcycles.
Heh.
Don't need to.
Lois, can you pour my juice? I can't lift my arm.
I still can't believe Brian bit you.
It just doesn't seem like him.
Oh, yeah, 'cause you know him so well.
Shut your face.
Oh.
Uh hey, Brian.
Get out of that chair.
Leave the eggs.
But this is my breakfast.
Honey, when did Peter Griffin take up jogging? I don't know, dear.
By the way, we're the couple who lives a few blocks away.
We now return to an '80s teen movie at a realistic high school.
You're going down at that karate tournament.
I don't think so.
You guys do karate? You're both losers.
Uh, morning, sir.
So, Peter, I assume if you're watching TV, that means you already did all my chores? I-I sure did, sure did.
I scared off the mailman, threatened Quagmire's cat, and I even took your bath for you.
Now I'm just gonna reach for the shampoo.
No jumping out.
He's got Rupert! Hey, drop it.
Drop it.
Drop it.
All right, I need you to buy a birthday present for my friend Jeff-- he likes the Packers and surfing.
Enough is enough, Peter.
The dog's not in charge of this house.
First thing tomorrow, I'm taking Brian to obedience school so we can get him back under control.
You know, sending him to school wouldn't be the worst idea.
He might even enjoy it.
I know I had a blast in college.
Man, I love college.
So many chicks, so many parties.
Yeah, totally.
I'm supposed to meet the R.
A.
for coffee later in the common room, but until then, I'm just gonna walk around with my shower caddy and see what people wrote on their whiteboards.
Uh, before I touch anything, is this a nut-free counter? I don't know-- my dad's might have been on there this morning.
Oh, hey, Meg.
I saw you stomp that pigeon today with your bare foot.
Pretty powerful stuff.
Thanks.
I don't like losing any part of my lunch.
Look, I'd love to stay and talk, Neil, but I have homework, and there was no toilet paper in the girls' bathroom.
Well, while you freshen up, maybe I could help you get a head start on that homework.
You'd do that? Wow, that'd be great! Wait, Neil, I thought you and I were gonna go find unlocked cars and pretend we're driving them.
Sorry, Chris.
Booty calls.
What was that all about? Well, I guess I have to do it by myself.
Boy, this light is taking forever! Please get out.
I never drive this car.
My wife died in it.
Listen up, maggots, you're in my house now! There are no belly scratches here! There are no table scraps! What we have here are good dogs! No bandana-wearing, Frisbee-catching hippie dogs! No parking lot, hind-leg dancing YouTube dogs! No crime solving, camera mugging Scooby Dooby dogs! Oh, no Scooby Doo, huh? Ruh-roh.
Oh, it seems we got us a comedy dog.
Are you Kathy Griffin? 'Cause I ain't laughing.
So maybe you are Kathy Griffin.
Or maybe you're that comedy dog with Robert Smigel's hand up your backside.
Well, let me tell you something, comedy dog.
You're here for me to poop on! All right, first of all, it seems like you have a lot of opinions about a lot of comedians.
And second of all Ow! That hurts! - That's right.
Silent and terrible, like The Artist.
I watch a lot of TV and movies.
I am your media-savvy worst nightmare! Now, down on all fours like the rest of them! That's right, we got ways to break your spirit! In fact, you seem like a prime candidate for The Chair.
Honey, did you hear a dog scream? Yes, I did, dear.
Our summer cabin is near the obedience school.
Move along.
Got to keep the hallway clear.
This isn't because of my divorce.
Good for him.
He actually followed through.
What the hell? Again? Thanks for doing my book report, Neil.
And I didn't even have to change the handwriting, 'cause you write like a girl.
You should see me throw.
Listen, Meg, would you want to go to a movie sometime? You know what? I'd like that.
It's a date.
Okay, well, I'll, uh I'll see you later.
Home Ec just got out.
I'm gonna go lick all their bowls.
Hey, Neil.
Oh, h-hey, Chris.
You sure are spending a lot of time with my sister lately.
You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think that fish are ghosts.
And I'd also think you're putting the moves on Meg.
Listen, Chris, you're my friend, so I have to confess.
My sitting with you at lunch was part of a carefully laid-out plan to get close to your sister.
What?! Look, I know it sounds terrible.
But-but still, we've had some good times together.
We even got Sean Penn to dress up as my dad.
Go away! I never want to talk to you again! God, I should have known it.
I feel more betrayed than when I thought that lawyer was gonna propose.
So you did commit the murder? Uh-huh.
And you admit it here in front of everyone? Uh-huh.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Wait.
No further questions? Motion to have the last eight years stricken from the record! Hey, Brian, you're back! Come on in.
In inside? Are-are are you sure? Yeah, what-what yeah, what do you think, I'm gonna make you stay in the yard? Get in here.
Sir, if it takes the rest of my life, I will repay you.
Who's this puss? Oh, no, no, no, I'm-I'm not a cat.
I'm-I'm a dog.
I'm your pet.
And-and I'm just happy to be here.
Brian, what did they do to you at that school? You're-you're so submissive.
Yes, looks like someone's gone at him with a "hwhip.
" That is that is a perfectly valid way of saying that.
Bravo, Master.
Master? And a surprisingly quick erection for Stewie.
There you go.
You-you look very dapper, sir.
Thanks, Brian.
God, I love the new you.
That obedience school really schooled you in obedience.
That's why it's called that! Permission to take fast, tiny bites of my own tail, sir? Granted.
You're wearing a bow tie? What's the occasion? No occasion, Lois.
I just want to piss a couple of guys off.
What the hell are you doing? You think you're better than us? No way you tied that on your own.
I'm glad we got here early.
I like to watch the previews.
Yeah, and also the friendly warning about theater shootings.
Don't get shot by a bullet Don't get shot by a bullet Keep your wits about you This place used to be fun! You know, this is nice.
It's actually the first time I've been on a date since I got the nickname Gutterball.
It is nice.
Here, hold still.
Make a wish.
What did you wish for? This.
You used me just so you could date my sister! Oh, my God! Chris?! I'm so sorry! Oh, what have I done?! Aw, crap.
Okay, Dad, you got us in.
Now just go.
Cleveland, what are you looking at? I'm on edge.
Saw Halloween II last night.
Brian, go outside.
Keep guard for Michael Myers.
If he seem like he dead, he ain't dead! Boy, Peter, seems like that obedience school did wonders for Brian.
Oh, yeah, it's great.
He'll do anything I tell him to now.
Maybe I should send Bonnie.
Oh.
Oh, my! All right, somebody say something else.
No.
You need to know what you did.
Hey, Brian, you know you know what we should do? Let's you and me go pee in Meg's bed.
That's-that's always fun.
Pee in her bed? I-I I could never do that.
That-that that'd be peeing in the house, and that's-that's that's bad dog stuff.
That-that's not good dog stuff! Wait.
What? What are you talking about? Forgive me for speaking out of turn, sir, but you sent me to that school to change me.
It was your turn, wasn't it? First, I went, and you went? We best get you to bed, sir.
Oh, come on, Brian.
It's still early.
Let's just let's go throw potatoes at Cleveland's house.
You go ahead.
I've got to go make the waffle fries that you scream-requested in the car.
Geez, what the hell happened to him? We used to be so close, but now we seem so different.
Like a whale and his developmentally-disabled brother.
Hi, guys! Get in my mouth, you hundreds of fish.
A record crowd of 65 people turned out for Free Jerky Stick Night.
Hey, that sounds pretty good to me.
Traffic on 146 is backed up all the way to Mineral Spring Avenue What do you want, Neil? And why are you playing the news? Oh, it's an old boom box.
I don't own any cassettes, so I just have to play whatever's on the radio.
Shouldn't you be out with Meg? Look, Chris, I-I'm sorry I lied to you, but I'd still like to be friends, and I hope I'm sorry.
I have to put the boom box down.
The D batteries make it very heavy.
Neil! There you are! What the hell is your problem?! I finally give you a shot, and you abandon me in a movie theater?! I'm sorry, Meg, but my friendship with Chris is more important.
You're a jerk, Neil! So what do you say, Chris? Can we hang out again? Yeah.
I'd like that, Neil.
Great.
See you tomorrow.
This is 'cause I'm drunk! Move out, Irish trash! Hey, Lois, you noticed ever since Brian came back from obedience school that things have been weird? What do you mean? Well, he just lets me order him around, and he-he never wants to do fun stuff together like before.
I mean, the thing I always loved about Brian was that he wasn't just a pet.
He was a friend.
And I miss that friend.
I think we just have to accept that this is how he is now.
Don't forget, he bit you, Peter.
I mean, what if he bit Stewie? How about you bite me, bitch? Wait a minute.
You're right! He bit me! I know what I got to do.
I'm sorry.
Was that too harsh? It sounded more playful in my head.
I'm sorry, Brian, but I'm doing this in the name of friendship.
Ah, damn it! What the hell, Peter?! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I bit you! I'm-I'm so sorry, sir! No, no, no, it's okay! It's okay! Don't you see, Brian? That's the appropriate response if anyone gets near your anus.
Look, we were wrong to try to change you.
I-I just want the old you back.
You do? But-but I was a bad dog.
I know, but that's what I liked about you, you know? You were fun, we got into trouble together, we got Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I just rubbed my eye with this finger.
Am I gonna be okay? Am I gonna be okay? Wait, how do you get pinkeye? Oh, God, this has got to be it.
Peter, I want things back the way they were, too.
That's what I want! Look, I'm really sorry I bit you.
Oh, forget all that.
I'm just happy to have my best friend back.
I missed you, Brian.
I've missed you, too, Peter.
Welcome back, buddy.
And now I'm gonna go upstairs and pee in Meg's bed.
No.
We're gonna go pee in Meg's bed.
Good boy.
Hey, what's up? I didn't know we could do finger stuff in the public rooms.