Family Guy s14e13 Episode Script

An App a Day

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Family Guy 14x13 An App a Day @elderman Oh, cool, somebody put Billy Joel on the jukebox.
Billy Joel? This is Daft Punk.
Dappunk? Wh-- I-- What is that? That's not even words.
What are you saying? This is Billy Joel.
It's "Anthony's Song," parentheses, "Movin' Out.
" First of all, it's "Movin' Out," parentheses, "Anthony's Song.
" And second of all, this is 100% not Billy Joel! You know, when they recorded "Movin' Out," someone left the studio doors open, and that's why, at the end, you hear that car sound.
That's not true either! No, this is it.
He's talking about going all around the world 'cause this Anthony fella, he's moving out.
You know, to live with Mr.
Cacciatore down on Mulberry Street.
And that's all I'm gonna say about those two.
Peter, I'm gonna punch you with this beer mug till I'm holding just the handle! Guys, calm down.
There's one way to solve this.
I'll just use my phone.
It says "'Around the World' by Daft Punk.
" Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.
Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone? I'm not an idiot.
I used Shazam.
It recognizes songs and tells you their names.
Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it? I don't know.
Be my guest.
It says "Lana Del Rey.
" Wow, how do I get this on my phone? You just download it.
It's a app.
What's an app? They're little programs you use on your phone while driving.
Oh, man, apps sound awesome! This is a real game changer! Like the guy who invented wearing a sport jacket with jeans.
So, what can I do for you? Well, I've got to go to church, but I don't have time to change from the rodeo.
Excuse me, I thought you were helping me find a look that'll let me cling to my youth in my 40s.
Yes, I'm interested in cheating on my wife in Las Vegas.
Gentlemen, I think I can help all three of you.
Brian, I'm in a bind.
Joanne was supposed to drive me to the club, but she's having throat surgery.
20 years of menthol slims.
I don't understand anything you just said.
Just drive me to the racquet club.
Since when do you belong to a racquet club? You know, I do have a life outside this house.
For example, I also write restaurant reviews for the newspaper under the name Hugh Cornwallis.
Hugh Cornwallis? He's, like Super bitchy, I know.
Now come on, let's go.
So, what? You're gonna play tennis all day? No, I might also hit the treadmill and watch Kelly and Michael on mute with closed captioning.
It's like kale "is everywhere these days, am I right? unintelligible.
" I love them.
They have such an amazing chemistry.
Yeah! Awesome! Peter, will you keep it down? I'm trying to look at lamps I'll never buy.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Sweet! What are you doing? Well, I just found out about these things called apps, so that's kind of all I do now.
This one's a cool bowling app I got.
Aw, yeah, strike! Peter, your phone's streaming to the TV.
You're clearly watching porn.
Will you turn it off? I'm already caught, Lois.
I'm gonna finish.
Peter, I'm I'm gonna finish! Just go over there! We're gonna be fine, Lois, you and me.
There you are, Dad.
Where have you been? I haven't seen you in days.
I went out of town for a little while, but I made the mistake of using this app called Bear B'n'B.
We're so happy you're staying with us.
Just a reminder, we ask that you not use the DVD player, but you can watch any of the VHSs.
We have Clear and Present Danger, Son of the Mask oh, and here's most of a puzzle.
Okay, well, I don't want any of that stuff.
Well, if the phone rings and we're not around, just take a message.
I'm kind of on vacation.
Oh, and just a heads up, the dog doesn't like men.
Now, we serve breakfast from 6:00 a.
to 7:00 a.
I'll skip breakfast.
Uh, everyone eats breakfast.
I'm on vacation.
All the more reason to treat yourself.
The house specialty is a half-chewed trout we yanked out of the river with our teeth.
Ah, there's the bear stuff.
Where are you going? Oh, I'm meeting up with someone from my Grinder app.
Isn't that for anonymous gay hookups? No, no, no.
This one's a way for guys who enjoy sandwiches to connect.
You "Meatballfreak"? Uh-huh.
All right, let's do this.
Are you also married? My phone's broken.
I'm not surprised.
It's probably because of all those apps you've been downloading.
Don't say "apps" like you're young.
No, I took it in the shower 'cause I didn't know you could pause a game.
Here, Chris.
Your first cell phone! Yay! Something my dad held in the bathroom! You know, Chris, you could probably salvage that phone.
If you put it in a bag of uncooked rice, it'll dry out.
Really? Yeah.
And then you can use the rice to pretend someone wanted to marry you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
and Mrs.
Dog and Meg the Bounty Hunter! Holy moley! Marcy Miller! She bought feminine products at my dad's pharmacy, so you know she's up and running.
Yeah, I wish I had the guts to talk to her.
Talk to her? Chris, no one talks to each other anymore.
If you want to get a girl's attention, you text her a picture of your penis.
What? Really? Are-Are you sure? Oh, yeah.
People who send their daughters to public high schools are basically asking for this.
Well, I did just get this new phone from my dad.
All right, what could go wrong? It worked out great for Ah.
This is it, Bri.
The Quahog Racquet Club.
Where frail old men come to weigh themselves in the nude.
Does that say 84 or 85? It says 63.
Oh, dear.
How'd you get all those cuts on your butt? Wow, they allow drinking here at 10:30 in the morning? Oh, yes, half the bathroom trash is thrown-up scrambled eggs.
Okay, so this place has hot women, morning booze and free vomit? Maybe I'll join you.
You don't play tennis.
What are you talking about? I'm a great tennis player.
You are? Well, that's perfect.
There's a doubles tournament coming up, and I could really use a partner.
Well, you found him! All right, all right, I suppose we can make this work.
Like that actress from Rizzoli & Isles and her husband do.
Honey, I thought we could do a little role-playing tonight.
Oh, yeah? What'd you have in mind? Maybe I could be my character from the show.
Oh! Yeah! From the show! Sure.
Um oh, no! It's the law enforcement woman.
Part of that great team of Rizzoli and Isles.
You don't know what part I play, do you? Hey, look, you didn't marry me because of my brains.
You married me because I play one of the main bad guys in Blue Bloods.
Now let's just stop talking and have idiot actor sex.
Thank you for coming, Mr.
and Mrs.
We've got a bit of a situation, which is why I've asked Officer Swanson to join us.
It appears Chris sent an inappropriate photo of himself to one of his classmates.
That's right.
He texted a picture of his peenie.
Oh, my God! And apparently the girl Oh, thank God.
he sent it to doesn't like him back, so she turned him in.
Okay, I can see everybody's mad, but what'd you think? Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Principal Shepherd.
We'll make sure Chris apologizes to that little knob-tease.
I'm sorry, Lois, but it's not that simple.
When Chris sent that picture, he was technically distributing child pornography.
Child pornography?! Joe, that's crazy! He's just a teenager who made a bad choice.
I don't know what to say, but the laws just haven't caught up to how cool kids are now.
I'm sorry, but this makes Chris a sex offender.
Oh, my God! Huh.
Well, I'm not about to make a Batman exit right now, but has that thing always been over there? Over where? What are you doing, Peter? Ah, you looked back too fast.
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Today, we bring you a disturbing case of child pornography.
Local teenage scumbag Chris Griffin, whose name will be omitted here, was caught sending, quote-unquote, "graphic selfies of his hog"-- not sure where that quote is from-- to another underage student.
Coming up next, teleprompter guy puts the period in a weird.
Oh, this is awful.
Now everyone in town knows I'm a sex offender! We know you didn't mean any harm, Chris.
We're just living in a different time.
When I was your age, boys used to just whip it out on the bus.
Can't I just go on the news and tell everyone I'm sorry? Oh, I wish you could, sweetie, but the law says that, as a sex offender, you have to complete a rehabilitation course.
Oh, that sounds awful.
Eh, can't be any worse than our trip to Hawaii.
Okay, before you do anything else, I'm deathly allergic to pineapple, pork, rum, macadamia nuts, stupid tiny guitars, overpriced golf, sentimental military stuff, lava, people who I can't tell are black or Asian, apostrophes, anyone twirling flames, second weddings and linen pants.
Is there anything you're not allergic to? Yeah, the Epcot Center.
Where I wanted to go.
Good evening, I'm Glenn Quagmire, your instructor.
Everyone look to your left.
Now look to your right.
All of you are sex offenders, and statistically you will all be here again.
Because this has never worked in the history of doing this.
Now, today, we have a new member-- giggity-- Chris G.
Hi, Chris.
All right, before we begin, whoever's driving a windowless van painted like an ice cream truck, your lights are on.
Okay, next, let's take a few minutes to talk about our new, fake interests.
Here's a clay pot I made.
I've started following girls' field hockey.
No, come on.
You're supposed to pick from the list.
Quagmire, this is terrible.
And do I really have to be here? Well, the law does give you a choice.
This or chemical castration.
What's that? You take a ton of pills that completely wipe out all sexuality.
Oh, is that what Michael Moore did? No, but I understand why you'd think that.
Now, do you want to see the list? I could take a whack at hand-distressing furniture.
We don't say "whack.
" Very good, Stewie.
You grunt like a Hungarian lesbian.
Thanks, Dimitri.
And, uh, your testicle's hanging out of your shorts again.
I am cooling it.
But where is this partner of yours? I don't know.
He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.
You're right.
So, anyway, my ex said, "If you bring home one more tennis trophy, I am out of here.
" Well, she was gone in two days.
Oh, Brian.
"O'Brien"? That's my Irish cousin.
What are you doing?! We're supposed to be practicing for the tournament.
Stewie, relax.
I promise we'll practice, but we just ordered bisque.
How are you paying for that? Well, if you must know, we're putting it on Philippa's husband's account.
Does Burt know about this? He would if he wasn't working all the time.
Thank you, Brian.
Now, come on, let's have more hard liquor and creamy soups.
Meg, can you hand me the paper plates? I can't believe we're having an ice cream cake to celebrate Chris graduating from sex offender school.
Well, the opportunities to celebrate don't come often in this household.
There he is, Mr.
Former Sex Offender.
Mom, it's not that big a deal.
All I did was finish those creepy classes.
I know, but now your record is clear.
You can go back to being a normal boy and put all this behind you.
Hey, Chris, wait till you see the funny thing I had 'em put on your cake.
"Happy sixth birthday, Timmy"? Uh-oh, they must have mixed them up.
"Nice crank, you dirty little bastard"? Sorry, I'll take that.
Here's your cake.
I ate a great deal of it.
Oh, there you are.
How was your first day out of rehab? It was terrible.
Taking that class made no difference.
Nobody wants anything to do with me.
Hi, Mr.
Oh, my God.
Children, run! It's that pervert! Everybody into my safety basement! Oh! Oh, that was a bad snap.
I'm hurt, kids! Don't eat those popsicles till I get down there! Well, I'm glad we're finally getting some practice in.
Yeah, nothing like running around after eating a seafood tower.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the baseline.
Yeah, baseline, baseline.
Right, right.
He's serving to you.
Get back there! You've never played tennis, have you? Not once.
Damn it, Brian! I entered us in that tournament because you said you could play! And I will not be humiliated in front of shallow, rich alcoholics! Hey, Chris.
I see you walked across the grass again instead of using the walk.
You're really wearing a path, aren't you? We call that Chris's Trail.
Right there.
Chris's Trail.
Quagmire, I completed that sex rehab and I paid my debt to society, but people are still afraid of me, like I'm some kind of creep.
How do I get them to treat me the way they did before all this happened? You can't.
I'm sorry, Chris, but you're just gonna have to accept that from now on, people are gonna see you as a sex-crazed pervert.
And there's nothing you can do to change that.
Wait a minute, maybe there is.
Thanks, Mr.
No problem, Chris.
You keep that chin up, huh? I will.
Hey, can I ring your doorbell? No, I'd rather you That's why "no," Chris.
That's why "no.
" Chris? What the hell happened to you? Mother, Father, I decided to have myself chemically castrated.
Why the hell would you do that?! Now nobody will have any reason to be afraid of me or think I'm a pervert, and everybody can just treat me like normal again.
Oh, my God, I can't believe my son's some kind of weirdo! Uh, here comes another sandwich.
I can't even look at you.
Has anyone seen my sandals? Yeah, no, nobody's seen your sandals.
Well, I'll just have to make another pair.
Look, Chris, I know you think chemical castration is gonna solve your problems, but you have to stop taking those pills.
I don't have to do anything, besides get to the wind chime store before it closes.
There can't be a whole store.
To be fair, they also have a couple of kaleidoscopes.
Ah, can I come? Lois, can I go to the store with that thing? Splendid.
I'll go get my burlap wallet.
Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh? My word, Brian, you're really improving.
We might actually win this thing.
You know, I just pretend that tennis ball is Mitch McConnell trying to roll back subsidies on the Affordable Care Act, and I'm like, "Nope!" Yeah, I-I don't I don't need to hear your process.
Look, I'm just happy you pushed me, 'cause now I can't wait for that tournament.
I know, it's gonna be great.
And I already know exactly where I'm gonna put that trophy.
So the baby died? Yeah, the baby died.
But, look, first place.
Chris, your mother and I want you to stop taking them pills.
There's a lot of great things about having a sex drive that you're missing out on.
Like what? Well, there's the post-orgy meals at a swingers party.
Come on, let's eat with these wonderful people.
Hey, everybody, try my wife's ambrosia.
If you liked my wife's snizz, you're gonna love her ambrosia.
I was thinking about this seven-layer dip the whole time I was chowing Ronald.
I don't like this.
I want to go home.
You know what's sad? There's hardly any other fathers and sons here.
I don't know, Lois.
I just don't think Chris is gonna change his mind.
I know.
It's only a matter of time before he shaves one side of his head and swoops the rest of the hair over.
Why, is that is that bad? Good early evening, everyone.
I have celebratory news.
With all the free time, I'm no longer devoting to onanism That's spanking it? Yes, Peter.
I have managed to redirect that energy into my studies.
In fact, today I received the Kaplan Prize in biology.
Chris, that's great! Not only that, I got the highest score on my Spanish test, and I even joined the debate team.
That's amazing! All right, well, I'm gonna put some flowers in a wagon and walk around town.
You know what, Peter? Maybe there's a silver lining to this fiasco.
Not thinking about sex all the time seems to have allowed Chris to excel in other areas.
He does seem sharper.
Heck, the old Chris couldn't even figure out the self-checkout at the supermarket.
Please place the item in the bagging area.
Please remove the item from the bagging area.
Please take a plastic bag from the bagging area.
Please put the bag over your head and tighten.
I told you I could make him do it.
That's hard-core, man.
You're hard-core.
All right, Brian, we win this set, the tournament's ours.
Yeah, come on, let's do this.
I can already see our names in the newsletter, right below the deaths from the previous quarter.
What?! Your ball was long.
Are you me?! That thing was in! You're gonna penalize us because you're a blind blue jacket?! Stewie, calm down.
I will drop you to your knees and shove my racket so far down your throat you'll be my grip for a week! Warning, Mr.
Oh, you're warning me?! I'm warning you! I'm gonna go to your house and your wife! You proud of yourself, tennis club security guard? Your kids look up to you? Big man.
Throwing out a baby and a dog.
Tough guy.
Maybe I'll see you later when you don't have that name tag on.
I thought your shot was in.
Oh, hey, pound it, dude.
So to find the area of this circle, we're going to need to use pi, whose digits go on forever.
Can you imagine if our pi was endless? We'd all be changing our belt sizes.
Thanks, Chris.
Wow, that was really something.
Marcy? I had no idea you were such an amazing tutor.
And I really like your pendant.
Thanks, but why are you being so nice to me? You got me in so much trouble before.
Yeah, I'm really sorry about that.
That was just my dumb, overprotective dad.
Really? Yeah, he took my phone to look at pictures of my friends, and he found the one you sent.
I bet that caught him by surprise.
Well, I hope you know that's not who I am anymore.
I do, and I hope I didn't cause you too much trouble.
This is not a drill! I repeat, not a drill! Good to be back doing this again, huh, Bill? What, shoveling coal into a penis? I was sleeping.
What's happening?! I don't know.
Someone someone get me nude art books! I need nude art books! Oh, good, Chris.
You can hang this New York Times back on Oh, a pee-pee! Well, Chris, you killed that librarian, but we're glad to have you back to your old self.
Lapardo worked at that school for 54 years.
Well, at least she saw a little Wang before taking that dirt nap.
Thanks, you guys.
I guess chemical castration isn't for everyone.
I-Is that is that the lesson for this week? Uh, I guess it's that or be kinder on the tennis court.
Where have you been? @elderman