Family Guy s14e14 Episode Script

Underage Peter

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Family Guy 14x14 Underage Peter @elderman TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Star Trek: Creep Space Nine.
(screams) Ah! She saw us! Warp speed! Hey, you guys, you know that song "Jimmy Crack Corn"? Yeah, it's me and Lois' wedding song-- what about it? Well, the whole time the guy's saying he doesn't care that, uh, this Jimmy fella cracked the corn, but yet he wrote an entire song about it.
Cared enough to put pen to paper.
Are you on vacation? I am.
Here's those fries you ordered.
And your hot sauce.
Hot sauce? On fries? Mm-hmm, oh, yeah.
Black guys put hot sauce on everything, on account of most of us been pepper-sprayed by the time we're two.
Can't taste nothing unless you got that burn on there.
This stuff ain't that hot.
Whoo! I feel like I'm crying, but, like, out of my neck and back.
Look at his face.
He looks like Oliver Platt climbing a flight of stairs.
Hey! That's a low blow.
I'm gonna call the network and complain.
Where's the phone? WOMAN: It's upstairs, Oliver! Eh, they know what they did.
Tell you what, Peter.
I'll give you ten bucks if you drink an entire shot glass of that hot sauce.
Let me see the money.
You-you don't believe I have ten dollars? I think he's afraid.
Am not! Prove it.
Ten bucks.
All right.
This is for all the teachers who told me I'd never amount to nothing.
(coughing, choking) Oh, my God! That last one was more caliente than hot.
But still, holy crap! Well, here's your money.
This is awesome! I can get people to pay me ten bucks just for doing stupid stuff? Man, I haven't made money this easy since I invented the Yanket! Peter, what's wrong? Well, I want to masturbate, but I'm just so darn cold.
Too bad there's no answer for that problem.
But now there is.
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin, creator of the Yanket.
If you're anything like me, the number one problem in your life is that you can't masturbate just anywhere.
But now you can.
Introducing the Yanket, the only blanket with built-in decoy arms.
Our patented process makes it look like you're holding the remote or sipping a beer.
Meanwhile, your real hands are under the blanket, going to town.
Peter, what are you doing? Nothing.
Let's watch a Scarlett Johansson movie.
But wait, there's more! We have Yankets for all occasions: Hey, what's going on under that blanket? You'll never know.
All right, you guys.
I will now do anything for ten dollars.
Who's got something for me? I got one.
I'll give you ten bucks if you wear the same pair of underwear for a month.
Pay up.
Uh, actually, you owe me $20.
Here's $50, go change your underwear.
It won't come off.
Hey, Peter, you want to earn another ten bucks? Course I do.
Great, I got a hilarious one.
I'll give you ten dollars for your L4 vertebrae.
(monitor beeping rhythmically) So, uh, I guess this means Peter, you're our Joe now, and Joe, you're our Peter.
That means you got to do anything for ten bucks.
I have a request.
Yay! Joe's chin! Hey, Peter, I just thought of something else you could do for ten bucks.
Yeah, you know you know what? I I'm, uh, think I'm gonna, um, upping my price to $12.
No, you ca no, you're locked in at ten.
Yeah, no renegotiating! It was a joke.
Shut u Just-just point me to the thing.
All right, we're gonna open this fire hydrant and you're gonna drink as much water from it as you can.
Chris has Crohn's disease.
Get down there.
Don't-don't-don't tell us that now.
I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died.
Don't make light of that.
(fire alarm ringing) Holy crap! We-we-we got to get out of here! Aw, man, the library.
White Fang? This is for ruining my eighth grade summer! (panting) (screams) (grunting) (gunshot) He ruined my summer, too.
Oh, hey, Bri.
Still sitting in chairs, huh? What'd your back ever do to you? I'm trying to watch.
Know what I'm watching? My core.
Your body and mind are supposed to be on the same team.
Sitting on the hard floor's good for your back, too.
Coming up: female high school teacher sleeps with her students.
Is she hot? Stay tuned.
But first, the public library suffered damage this evening when an area fat man smashed through the front of the building while attempting a drunken stunt.
The bus station is expected to absorb the overflow of homeless armpit-washing ladies.
Oh, God.
Peter, is there something you want to tell me? Uh, yeah, every light in the house is on.
Did you destroy the library? Did I destroy the library? Ha, no, Lois.
That was television.
In light of events at the library, we now go live to a press conference at the mayor's residence.
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm here tonight with the deputy mayor.
Hi, everybody! Shut.
Anyway, these types of immature, drunken high jinks are destroying our town.
And if we can't trust a 42-year-old man to drink responsibly, then I have no choice but to take action.
So, as mayor of Quahog, I hereby raise the town's legal drinking age to 50.
What? I can't drink anymore? What am I gonna do? What do people do who don't drink? I don't know.
Knit? Knit? Knit?! Are you kidding me?! Maybe.
Um, okay, so it turns out I am, like, crazy good at knitting.
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
It's day three of Quahog's new ban on alcohol for anybody under 50.
And if there's one thing the new drinking age law has done, it's let us know that women tell terrible stories.
Good to see your eyes open, Tom.
For more on this story, we now go to Tricia Takanawa.
Tricia? Joyce, I'm standing here on the streets of Quahog, where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law.
I was going to bone my girlfriend, but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved, there was no way.
I think we just have to trust our elected officials and Goldman's Pharmacy is fully stocked on cough syrup, which goes great with ginger ale.
Well, I do miss drinking, but I have used the time to reconnect with my children and I'm actually thinking about resuming my actuarial practice.
Oh, my God, he's just been drunk this whole time? This new law sucks.
And I got to say, it was kind of uncool of Mayor West to call it "Peter's Law.
" No kidding.
Now I know how Megan from "Megan's Law" felt.
I I don't I don't think you know how she felt.
I don't know why I didn't think of this before, guys.
We'll just go into the brewery after hours and take some beer.
Hey, buddy.
It's okay, I work here.
Aren't you the guy who cried in that meeting? Oh, you know you know, I just remembered, there's no beer here, l-let's- let's just, let's just go.
Peter, why'd you want me to get us into this prison? Because, Joe, everyone knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet.
We are gonna get so wasted! Oh! Look, right here.
This one's full of Chardonnay.
Peter, I don't think that's PETER: But it was Chardonnay.
The best Chardonnay I'd ever had in my life.
The man who made it, Curtis "Murder Dog" Williams, went on to become one of America's most celebrated vintners.
JOE: Hey, Joe here.
Peter's lying.
He drank pee-pee.
Don't worry, guys.
If we can't buy alcohol in Quahog, we'll just go to the next town over.
Sorry, in this town, you can only buy alcohol if you're dressed head-to-toe in jeans.
What? Who made that law? Our mayor, Jay Leno.
Have you seen some of these laws they've got now about denim? You know, I say, if you don't like it, you may as well Levi's.
Who's voting for these mayors? Rhode Island's a mess from top to bottom.
I tell you, guys, getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.
What? Is that true? I don't know.
Hey, isn't that your dog at the bar? Hey, Jerome, one more, neat.
What the hell? Why's Jerome serving booze to Brian? I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.
(whistles) Come here, boy! Come on! Hey, what's up? We going for a ride in the car?! No, no, I had a question for you.
Don't ever (bleep) do that unless you have a car ride to offer.
Hey, how come you're allowed to drink? Yeah, you're not 50.
Uh, actually, I am.
I'm 56 in dog years.
Oh, is that why you got white pubic hair? I'll thank you not to check out my pubic hair.
Well, then don't go flashing it around.
Put on some underpants, you crazy old man.
Peter, I think you're missing the point.
Brian can buy us booze.
Oh, my God, you're right! W-Would you do that for us, Brian? Sure, why not? Aw, thank God.
'Cause just sitting here all sober is more boring than watching a pot boil.
Hey, you.
What are you doing? I like to watch.
I want to watch you boil.
I can't do it with you watching.
Oh, not even if I do this? Don't do that Oh, God, that's so hot.
Oh, yeah? Then why don't I take your top off? Oh! Oh I'm boiling! I'm boiling! Yeah.
Now I'm gonna stick my raw pasta in you.
LOIS: Peter, what's going on in there? Making dinner, babe.
Brass Monkey That funky monkey Brass Monkey junkie That funky monkey, Brass Got this dance that's more than real Drink Brass Monkey, here's how you feel You put your left leg down, your right leg up Tilt your head back, let's finish the cup MCA with the bottle D rocks the can Ad-Rock gets nice with Charlie Chan We're offered Moet We don't mind Chivas Wherever we go, we bring the Monkey with us Ad-Rock drinks three Mike D is D Double R foots the bill most definitely I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well I got a castle in Brooklyn, that's where I dwell Brass Monkey.
Hey, hey, Brian, Brian.
How would you like to build, build a deck right now with your buddy? 'Cause we got hammers the whole deal.
I don't know, man.
It's pretty dark out.
That's okay.
I'll just pull my car around and point the headlights at it.
Did you know that my dad once called me a mistake? That's messed up, man.
You know, Brian, hanging out with you this past week has been awesome.
Yeah, why don't we, why don't we do this anymore? We-we-we used to do fun stuff all the time, you know? It used to be you and me.
And it always will be, pal.
Hey, listen, listen.
I want you to be Meg's godfather.
No, thanks, Peter.
But this here, we got to keep this going.
I agree, buddy, I agree.
All right, I'm gonna go barf down the garbage disposal.
Brian, I think we can get John Mayer to stop tweeting again, but we all got to work together.
Oh, my God! Are you drunk again? Yeah, I was, I was just hanging out with my main man, Peter.
"Main man"? "Hanging out"? Brian, he's only using you to buy alcohol! What? What are, wha? What are you, what are you talking about? It hasn't dawned on you that he only started spending time with you when the drinking age was raised? Come on, that's, that's not true.
(Peter retching) PETER: Aw, shoot, I puked in the clean dishes side.
Trust me, as soon as you're no longer of use to him, he'll be done with you.
Oh, I get it, I get it.
Okay, you're, you're jealous 'cause I'm spending all my time with Peter.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, where's my dumb, morbidly obese friend? CHRIS: Hey, Stewie, get in here! I'm being an '80s computer hacker! Come on, baby, show me what you got.
And we are in! All right, I'd better go.
I got to go tell him "This isn't a game, man.
" Brian, do you have any idea why Peter was trying to climb in the dishwasher? I thought it was a Tokyo apartment.
Sorry, Lois, we, uh, we got-- I guess we had a little too much to drink.
"To drink"?! It's against the law for him to do that! Was Stewie in here? Was, was he in here? I I smell his cologne.
Listen to me, Brian.
No more booze in this house.
You're gonna get us all in trouble.
Peter, we-- maybe we should find some place else to get-- to drink.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Hi, we're here from the '80s FBI.
Somebody here with a 2,400-baud modem almost started World War III.
(Glenn Frey's "The Heat Is On" starts playing) Oop, sounds like they're making an escape.
Hey, you want to see me run up that slide? Sure.
(grunts) Ow, damn it! I think my belt buckle cut my gut! Hey, Peter, can I ask you something? You're not just hanging out with me because I, I can buy you alcohol, right? What?! Course not.
We're friends.
Yeah, no, I-I know.
That's, that's, that's what I thought.
And also you bring me dead birds.
I know Lois gets mad about it, but I like using them to point at things.
Hey, did they move the bagels? Yeah, they're right there.
Oh, my God! What the hell is that?! This? This is a pointing bird.
All right, I just saw a sprinkler come on, so I'm gonna go bite at the water a little bit.
Hey, what's going on here? Uh, some butthorn's shining a flashlight on me.
I meant prior to me coming up and investigating this.
Oh, well, you got to be clearer, man.
I'm wasted.
Sir, I'm gonna need to see some I.
You look underage.
Just as I suspected.
You're a minor.
It ain't my fault! Somebody's been buying it for me and all my friends! Oh, is that right? Well, you better tell me who that is or you're in a lot of trouble.
Hey, is this the park where Boner died? Wait, wha-what's going on? That's him, Officer! That's who's been buying us the booze! What?! You get home, son.
You're lucky I'm letting you off with a warning.
But you, you're coming with me.
You got to be kidding! Do you need a ride? Nah, I'm just gonna stay here until the sun comes up and then be the best at tetherball.
(grunting) Next! What are you in for? I bought some alcohol for someone I thought was my friend.
How about you? I threw a bottle of rum through the window of the Apple Store.
I couldn't remember me password.
(sighs) Well, this sucks.
Oh, it's not so bad.
Sometimes they let you take the good trash home if you ask nice.
Last week, I got an old greeting card.
It obviously wasn't for me, but the imagination's a hell of a thing.
(tires screech) Hey, Brian, what time you get off? Me and the guys were hoping you could buy us some more beer.
You can't be serious.
Eh, it's a little bit serious.
Yeah, I haven't been drunk in a day.
And I'm not feeling particularly handsome.
Peter, you're the reason I'm here! You totally sold me out to that cop! Oh, are we just gonna play the blame game? 'Cause I got another game I'd rather play.
Go to hell! You used me.
That's not what friends do.
It's what Adam Sandler's friends do.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a half a can of hot beer left in this open container I've been driving around with.
(glugging) (belches) You, too, pig.
Well, I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it.
Ugh, this seems like a weird place to even use a condom.
Just shut up, Peter.
I'm done with you, all right? You completely lied about why you were hanging out with me.
What? I never lie.
Well, except for that one time.
Oh, my God! My husband's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?! I have a 13-inch penis! (applause) And besides, I'm sick of you acting like you're such a victim.
You agreed to buy us booze, 'cause we weren't old enough.
You're not old enough?! You're a man in his 40s! This whole law is ridiculous! Hey, can one of you guys with elbows try to get this truck to honk? (truck horn honks twice) Ah, that and giving noogies is what I miss most about having elbows.
You know, Brian, what you said is right.
This law is stupid.
I mean, if it weren't for that, we never would've been in this fight.
Yeah, but what difference does it make? It's the law.
Nothing we can do about it.
The hell there's not.
I bet if we worked together we could find a way to change it back.
I I don't know, Peter.
Come on, I know it seems hard, but we can't just give up.
I mean, what if Thomas Edison had given up? Uh, what's that? What's that thing you're working on? Well, it's a lightbulb and A lightbulb! Lightbulb! Yeah, I invented that.
Me-- I'm Thomas Edison.
I invented the lightbulb.
Uh, what's it do? It lights up a room using electrical Lights up a room using electrical stuff! I was about to say that, because I invented it! Uh, what are you working on? It's a phonograph Phonograph! I knew that, 'cause I invented it.
I'm Thomas Edison.
I rule! Look it up Edison was a dick.
Okay, Peter, I know how we can get the law changed.
I've been doing some research, and it says here that in eight months, we can get a non-binding proposition on the ballot as long as we get 4,000 signatures.
Ah, screw that, we're going with plan B-- threaten to kill the mayor's nephew.
I love you, Dad! Peter, that's your son.
Shut up, Brian! He's hugging me! So, what exactly is your plan, here? You'll see.
Just follow my lead.
Ooh, trick-or-treaters! Well, what do we have here? A cowboy and a princess? Uh, yippee-ki-yay, Mr.
Oh, a Western princess! All right, listen, we want that drinking law gone.
And everybody knows the best way to get any law struck down is to get the gays angry about it.
Bruce? Jeffrey? That's right, Mr.
Mayor! I needs my Proseccos! What are you talking about? You're 52.
(gasps) You said you was 39! I was just trying to get you in bed.
I thought we'd both be dead by now.
But come on, you got to change that law! I mean, it's already ruined a friendship with one of the best guys I know! CAROL: Adam, who's at the door? Oh, hi, Brian.
Hi, Peter.
Wait a minute.
Is that, is that wine? Yeah, Adam just poured me a little before dinner.
Wow, you guys eat late.
No, Peter, don't you see? Carol's underage, too! The mayor just broke his own law! Hmm, that's a good point.
I guess I'll just have to resign in scandal while leaving the law intact.
Or you could just change the law.
But it's a good law.
No, it ain't! Look, don't you understand what drinking means to us working stiffs? It helps us forget about our day and tell our children we love 'em with a straight face.
It allows gross uggos to boof each other's gross uggo parts.
And it gives people the courage to sneak onto their mayor's property and blackmail him and eat all his ripe tomatoes.
That was a croquet ball.
Ah, then could you point me to the closest nighttime dentist? So listen, Mr.
Mayor, what do you say about that law? (sighs) All right, I'll repeal it.
But only if you send me and Carol a copy of that picture.
We don't have a lot of the two of us together.
Brian, we did it! We got him to change the law! Just goes to show, if anybody wants a law changed, they should just go to their mayor's house.
Hey, I, uh, I-I appreciate what you said there about our friendship.
Well, to be honest, Brian, at first I did just want you to buy us beer.
But then the-the more we were hanging out, I-I remembered how much fun we used to have together.
I guess after all these years, I started taking you for granted.
But you're still my best friend.
Even if I don't always act like it.
I enjoyed hanging out with you, too.
Thanks, Peter.
Hey, on your way out, could you put this in my mailbox for the mailman? Uh, sure.
Put the flag up? Of course put the flag up! Geez, mail much? @elderman Well, Peter, I'm just happy that you and Brian managed to get that law repealed, and that you're finally friends again.
Me, too, Lois.
Good to have my drinking buddy back.
Yay, everybody's happy! I love this family! I draped that over him.
He was just doing it out in the open.