Family Guy s15e14 Episode Script

The Dating Game

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! I got to say, some days I wish I didn't have a sister.
Oh - What? - Nothing.
Oh, I thought you asked me what was going on with my sister.
I did not.
Hey, look.
Tom Tucker.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up, tonight's second story.
But first, Quahog says good-bye to an old friend.
That's right, Tom.
Medieval Castle, which has been a staple of family entertainment and dining, is closing its doors.
The restaurant has gone into foreclosure, and will be up for auction tomorrow.
Yes, hard to believe a place where you eat with your hands next to piles of horse dung while untrained theater students fight with real swords could be drowning in lawsuits.
Medieval Castle? I love that place.
My sister almost got a job there once.
Guys, we should go to that auction tomorrow and buy it.
I mean, can you imagine if we had our own medieval castle? I bet it'd be even more fun than when I went to White Castle.
Name's a little deceiving.
(GROANING) What's wrong with you? Oh, it's my back.
It's killing me.
Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot-oil massage bit again.
No, this time it's not a bit.
I'm really hurt.
I must have jacked it up playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.
If you're in that much pain, I better tell Lois.
(SCOFFS): Please don't.
Then she'll drive me to the doctor, and I hate being in the car with her.
("EVERY MORNING" PLAYING) BOTH: Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Shut the door, baby, don't say a word Okay, I guess that's not my part.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) There it is, guys.
Aw, this is gonna be awesome! We just got to win this auction, and then we'll have our own castle.
Oh, yeah? Over my dead tooth! Good afternoon, and welcome to today's auction.
I'm Al Harrington, of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium.
Due to the presence of black mold, discarded half-eaten turkey legs, and an undulating rat king that no one dares approach, I have been advised to move these proceedings along as quickly as possible.
Do I hear an opening bid? Anyone.
Do I hear an opening bid for this majestic fiberglass castle facade, masking what was once a Midas Muffler shop? Two bits.
Two bits.
That's 25 cents in the Old West.
We have 25 cents.
Do I hear higher than 25 cents? This paper bag, which could be full of money or my socks.
You take the chance.
We have an intriguing mystery bag.
Do I hear more than the mystery bag? Two bits and a cardboard box, which may or may not contain a mystery bag.
Already the most challenging auction I have ever been a part of.
Do I hear a higher bid from that James Bond villain over there? 50 kroner.
Which, converted to American currency, is $7.
Do I hear a much higher bid, followed by shocked murmuring? $10,000! (ALL GASP) - I'm shocked.
- That's shocking.
We're all shocked.
We can't afford that.
Peter, do something.
I can't.
There's only $9,000 in the mystery bag.
Due to my 12:00 noon court appointment as part of a crippling child-custody battle with my horrific ex-wife, I am saying going once, going twice, and awarding this condemned building to you! (APPLAUSE) Damn, it, we lost! I guess the castle was a crazy idea anyway.
I should probably just invest this money in a 401-Gay.
And how long before I can take this out? Man, those losers don't deserve that castle.
I would call my sister about this if she were able to answer the phone.
Poor thing.
Poor, poor thing.
Well, you know, in castle times, if you wanted something, you just took it.
What are you talking about? I'm saying the four of us should storm that castle and take it for ourselves.
Should we do it with careful planning, or have another couple beers and then just go for it? Well, let's make that decision after another couple beers.
I checked with my mom, and she said it was cool with her if we wanted to sleep here tonight.
- I'm pretty sure I can.
- Count me in.
I'm gonna have to go home and get my pillow.
(ALL SHOUTING) Yes, you heard me right, cancel my insurance.
I've been in this location for 40 years, and never once have I broken a lamp.
Good day, sir.
God, I hope he's got insurance.
Of course he's got insurance.
He's been at this location for 40 years.
Yes, you heard me right.
Cancel my husband's life insurance.
He's been in perfect health for 40 years.
We're selling the lamp store and going to travel.
We need this after losing both our children.
Good day, sir.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) All right, plan "B.
" We'll shoot flaming arrows, like in Robin Hood.
So should I be aiming for an open window, or just arcing it over the wall? I don't know, I've never seen the movie, just the Bryan Adams video.
Oh, such a good song.
Archers Yeah? Oh, yeah, he's that guy, too.
Prepare to fire.
(SIRENS BLARING) I wonder what they're gonna put here.
Trader Joe's? Oh, I would love a Trader Joe's! Sorry to keep you, I was reading this Highlights magazine in the waiting room.
Do you see any differences between these two pictures? Oh, the pie has a wedge removed.
Yes, yes.
Hartman, were you able to tell anything from Stewie's X rays? Oh, yeah.
Little guy's got scoliosis.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, am I gonna be a big-shoe, small-shoe guy? But don't worry, he'll be fine.
He just needs to wear this brace for a while - to correct it.
- Oh, dear.
Now, does he have any school pictures coming up? Yeah, he actually does.
Well, then, this will not be a "refrigerator door" year.
All right, this says if we don't get arrested for the next six months, the arson and mayhem charges will be dropped.
Hey, sorry again, you guys.
Ah, no harm done.
Yeah, no hard feelings, fellas.
I've already forgotten about it.
I'm too busy thinking about my hot date tonight.
Yeah, right.
"Hot date.
" With your left hand or your right hand? Actually, I use both and do, like, an Indian burn.
But that's not what this is.
Tonight I'm getting lucky.
Hi, are you Mort? Why, yes, I am.
What the hell was that? Mort's getting laid? Yeah, thanks to Tinder, he's had a different girl every night this week.
What's "Tinder"? It's an app for your phone where two strangers can hook up for a dirty liaison.
- What, like hookers? - Nope.
Just two horny people with phones.
Wait, I don't get it.
So you hit 'em on the head with your phone and knock 'em out? No, you just swipe someone's picture, they come over, and you plow 'em.
Wow! I gotta try this.
I mean, easy sex on the Internet? Did you know about this, Scott Baio? Uh, yeah.
And you, Scott Caan? Did you also know about easy sex on the Internet? Yes.
And how about you, douche bag music producer Scott Storch? Quagmire, all the Scotts know about it.
Okay, let's get me set up on this Tinder thing.
I can't wait to start getting laid at the push of a button.
Well, first you got to set up your profile.
Oh, yeah, I've been working on that.
I wrote several long paragraphs describing my interests, some pet peeves, choice of wine, a couple of inspirational quotes, things I've learned from my cats No, no, no, no.
None of that.
You want a naked bathroom selfie covering your stuff with a fistful of $100 bills.
That shows you like sex, and you got mon-ay! Well, that seems a bit crude.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, she's cute.
And wearing a yin-yang necklace.
That's interesting.
I wonder what beach that is.
No, no, no.
Give me that.
Here, you see this? You see what I'm doing? Not even looking.
I'm swiping "yes.
" Yes, yes, yes.
Casting a wide net.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Heh, look at this.
You already got a hit.
And she sent a message.
She did? What am I looking at here? It's mostly small, colorful pictures.
Those are emojis.
Read 'em.
Okay, it says "Hey," and then a kissy face, and then, like, a saucy, smirking face, three balloons, and a locomotive.
What the hell is all this? Maybe she likes you.
Send something back.
"Dearest Theresa, I hope this finds you well.
I so appreciated your last communication" No, stop, stop! God, stop, stop! Just send her an eggplant and the erupting volcano.
(BRACE SQUEAKING) All right, take a gander.
Gawk at the Elephant Man.
Let's get it all out.
- There's our brave guy.
- Brave? And just for being such a trooper, I thought maybe you could be the first in line for snack today.
Really? On pretzel day? And after that, you can hold the bunny! Yeah, I'll pass on that.
But the pretzel thing sounds up my alley.
Now, if I could just find someone to wear this hero hat.
(GASPS) I think I found him.
Well, I say, that was a pleasant surprise.
You know, like when a woman in a Porsche Cayenne isn't a complete bitch.
Well, I did not expect that.
(TIRES SCREECH) I wasn't telling you to go, I was trying to smell my own fart.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi, are you Courtney, from Tinder? You must be Glenn.
I got you these.
A lovely bouquet for a lovely Yeah, take off your pants and sit on the coffee table.
(DOOR CLOSES) That was great.
And we can still make our reservation.
What? Why? - We already had sex.
- Wait.
So I don't have to make small-talk with you - or spend any money? - Of course not.
Here, wipe yourself off with this West Elm catalog.
My God, this app is amazing! Thank you, cell-phone Jesus.
Huh? Oh, yeah, fine.
("FUN" BY PITBULL FEATURING CHRIS BROWN PLAYING) Oh, feeling crazy The moon is up The night is hazy Let's got lost in the shadows Somewhere we can go And no one else can find Loosen up your body till you come undone Loosen up your body, baby, come undone Oh, my, my, looking like a good, good time Don't disguise The way you wanna love tonight Oh, my, my, hook you with a brand-new high Don't be shy, I just wanna live tonight Live a little F.
So, how's it going with the back brace? - Are people giving you a hard time? - Quite the contrary, Brian.
Apparently, people love the wretched.
Thanks to this thing, I was offered seats directly behind home plate at Fenway.
I passed.
Wow, that patient next door (LAUGHING) is fat.
PATIENT: I can hear you.
Uh, that wasn't me, that was Mrs.
So, I've got Stewie's results here.
Um, it appears the back brace has corrected the spine very nicely.
That's wonderful.
Stewie doesn't have to wear the brace anymore.
What? No! I can't give this thing up.
Wait, what do you mean? - You want to keep wearing the brace? - Of course I do.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
When I wear this brace, I get pampered like the Queen of England.
So, I have the most money in the world, right? Yes, Your Majesty.
Can you make sure my hair looks like anyone in a nursing home? All right, hitting the links.
Joe, golf shorts may not be the right look for you.
It's gonna be a nice day.
Not for us, if you wear those.
Well, that seems a little hurtful.
Hey, where's Quagmire? Our tee time's in 20 minutes.
I don't know.
I haven't seen much of him since he discovered Tinder.
(DOOR CREAKS) QUAGMIRE: Tinder? Quagmire, come on.
It's time for golf.
I swipe "no" on golf.
(SNIFFS) Smells kind of gamey in here.
Swipe "yes" on Betsy.
Swipe "yes" on Jennifer.
Swipe "yes" on Andrea.
Swipe "yes" on all the lady faces.
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe.
Let's, uh, let's get a little light in here, huh, buddy? (SCREAMS) The yellow face! It burns my Tinder! Oh, my God, he's lost it.
That app's turned Quagmire into some kind of sex ghoul.
The way he's crouching, there's a teste peeking out.
Hey, listen, Quagmire, you're our friend, all right? We hate to see you like this.
I don't have any friends, only sex people from the phone.
You got to stop this.
It looks like you haven't left this room in weeks.
No need to leave.
They all come here.
Sometimes they bring burgers and cheese.
Hey, come on, Quagmire, let's go for a walk, huh? Get some fresh air oh, for God's sake.
You're gonna have a baby in your butt, man.
Can't leave.
"Heather within five miles" is coming.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Are you "Glenn within five miles"? I can take my glass eye out if you want to try something different.
I got a good feeling about her.
Maybe she's the one.
Let's do it in the garage.
It's kind of cold, but we can do sweaters on, pants off.
Look, he left his phone.
I'm just gonna nudge it with my knee into this empty pizza box and it's stuck to my knee.
Let's, uh, let's just go.
All right, we got to just throw that phone away and end this once and for all.
Yeah, no kidding.
Quagmire's in bad shape.
He looks worse than I did after that day at the beach.
I spanked somebody else's kid.
Sorry I was late.
You're still wearing that back brace? That can't be good for you.
Hartman said you were done with that thing.
I'm not gonna listen to that bozo.
Of course I'm still wearing it.
Watch me jump this line.
Excuse me, I have scoliosis.
Excuse me.
Scoliosis, coming through.
Hey, pal.
A thousand apologies.
Come on, I'm not getting any matches! All right, Quagmire, we got to talk.
This whole thing's out of control, Quagmire.
You got to get off Tinder.
Yeah, there's plenty of nice women out in the real world to meet the old-fashioned way.
And on top of that, Tinder makes you gross.
There was a time when you'd be more selective When you were horny and feeling erective Now one swipe and there's thousands to bone All from a sex app you use on your phone That's the Tinder.
A lot of sad, lonely gals who want babies 300-pounders infested with scabies Leather gimps who do nothing but moan These are the weirdos you find on your phone You know, a surprising number of them live near the airport.
Gonorrhea H.
-ah You will catch a dose Of blisters and itching and genital warts 'Cause Tinder makes you so gross And for kids it's kind of tragic Sex for them has lost its magic Banging every Tom and Dick and Jack and Jill and Joan And this also might surprise you All your married friends despise you 'Cause we're not allowed to have an orgy through our phone You're perverted Barely human You're not even close A filthy degenerate seeking a thrill Your spirits and genitals run through the mill With plenty of holes and prescriptions to fill 'Cause Tinder makes you So gross.
You guys can just forget it.
I'm not quitting Tinder.
Guys, I've been to the doctor's.
I do have a baby in my butt.
Mm, you're still here.
Did we? (GROANS) What the deuce? (GRUNTING) Brian! Brian! Yes, is it possible to get Showtime for free for the next, like, two hours to see if I like it? STEWIE: Brian! (GRUNTING) What is this? What's happening to me? Oh, my God, Stewie.
It's got to be from wearing that damn brace all the time.
Your neck must have atrophied so much it can no longer support your head.
You've got to take me to the hospital.
Let me just watch Jennifer's Body and we'll go right there.
Brian, there's no nudity in that movie.
Take me to the hospital! What, so it's rated "R" for curses? God, this country.
Is it, is it noticeable? Oh, nothing that can't be fixed with a string of chili pepper Christmas lights.
STEWIE: I wore that brace for the next five years of my life.
The kids stopped cheering the second day.
Then it was just, "Get off the swing, you Christmas turd.
" I'll have another one, Jerome.
You sure you haven't had too many? Just give me a drink.
Sir, is everything all right? I'm fine.
I'm fine, it oh, h oh, hey, uh, you on Tinder? What? That gross dating thing? No.
Look, I'm not trying to pick you up, it just seemed like you were upset about something, and I know when I'm upset, it's nice to let someone else in.
What did you just say? I-I-I don't know.
I think I said, I said, "Giggity.
" Okay.
Come on, Quagmire, this is a real girl right in front of you.
Just pick her up and take her home.
You don't need your phone.
Don't listen to him.
I'm all you need.
Are you really gonna listen to a phone over me? God, I don't know why I do this anymore.
Don't give up, Miniature Quagmire.
This is exactly why you got into the over-the-shoulder advice business.
Ignore him, Miniature Quagmire.
Give up on your attempt to convince real Quagmire to not use Tinder, and to instead have sex with this woman who's right in front of him.
Wait, what's going on? I'm just saying, you used to have skills that no one else had, that took you years to hone.
You were an artist.
Ah, damn.
I think I was too wordy.
I'm still an artist.
What was that? I was just saying, I am upset about something.
I thought you were.
Do you want to talk about it? I do.
I buried my twin brother today.
We were very close.
We used to finish each other's, um Sentences? Oh, oh, I just got chills.
I'm Sandra.
I'm Glenn.
You know, I just, I just feel like my penis shouldn't be alone tonight.
All right.
Well, looks like Quagmire's back.
Yep, he's scumming it up in the real world again.
And all it took was for us to hire that $200 dirty prostitute to pretend to be a nice lady in a bar.
I'm just glad she's a prostitute and not that lady murderer that's been all over the news.
Hi, I'm that prostitute you guys hired to seduce your friend.
Oh, boy.
Well, deal's off, he's dead.
But perhaps we can make other arrangements.
(GRUNTING) Hey, do you think I could try to kick one? No.
You're all-time goalie.