Family Guy s15e15 Episode Script

Cop and a Half-wit

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Terminator.
I've been sent here from the future.
I have to have sex with your housekeeper to save humanity.
What? Bring me your housekeeper! I have to have sex with her now! I'm the Terminator! I don't have a housekeeper.
And I think you're just present-day Arnold Schwarzenegger.
No, I am a machine.
Every second I'm not having sex with a housekeeper, robots are killing people in the future.
Okay, I finish for the day.
You lied to me! You do have a housekeeper! Let's go make a large-faced boy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, cop, cop, cop.
Peter, it's me, and you're an adult man drinking in a bar.
Anyway, sorry I'm late.
The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
That's what they got you doing down there? Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil.
And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful.
He'll only eat real cheese, not processed.
You buy special cheese for a gerbil? Yeah, I have to, he outranks me.
Jeez, Joe, what the hell happened? You used to be this badass cop out there on the street, busting heads and keeping us safe.
Well, it may not sound exciting, but I play an important role.
I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee-pee.
So you're just erasing cop wieners all day? Eh, not erasing, sort of cutting them together into a funny montage we show on birthdays.
Speaking of which, Flannigan's got the big "four-oh" coming up.
Got to go.
Man, you guys think Joe's as happy as he says he is, just doing all that desk work? No way, he's just putting lipstick on a pig.
This is called "Crimson Sky.
" What do you think? Mmm.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Harold? Get this off of me! What are you doing in the women's department? Uh, waiting for you.
Well, I'm ready.
Let's go.
[voice breaking]: Who are you? Ugh, she just put her tampons on top of the bread.
Take the groceries out, we got start over.
Mom, can I go barehand raisins from the bulk aisle? Okay, but if you get caught, just say, "oopsie-poopsie," like a simpleton.
Hey, watch your fat arms! Excuse me, ma'am, your little girl dropped her teddy bear.
What? "Little girl"? [laughs] Yeah, she hates it when she drops that.
He's actually a little boy, but thank you very much.
Did she just think I was a girl? Why would she think that? I don't know, maybe she saw you try to throw that feather in the yard yesterday.
Hey, don't watch me when I'm doing stuff.
MANAGER: What are you doing, kid? Those aren't free! CHRIS: Oopsie-poopsie! MANAGER: Aw, God bless you.
Help yourself.
[engine stalling] JOE: Car trouble? Ah, son of a bitch, Joe! Didn't even hear you coming.
Yeah, I'm kind of quiet on grass.
Thanks for giving me a ride, Joe.
Hey, since we're in a cop car, let's talk about our hunches and how something doesn't add up.
All right.
I have a hunch Madea's not really a girl.
Yeah, something doesn't add up about that.
DISPATCHER: All units, reports of a drug deal in progress at Fifth and Maple.
Shots fired.
Suspect possibly armed.
Well, shots fired, so definitely armed, duh.
Dispatch much? Sorry, guys.
Fifth and Maple? That's right near here.
We got to go! No can do, I got to go to the station and tidy up the bulletin board.
No one's biting on those guitar lessons.
What are you talking about? There's a drug deal going down! Peter, there's a lot you don't understand about police work.
What's to understand? I watch TV.
Come on, Joe, let's put this 70's siren on your car and go.
Did you just wipe a booger on my roof? Let's go! Let's go! [siren chirps] Oh, crap! Cops! That's the house! Hold on, Peter, we can't go in there.
We got to wait for backup.
The hell we do! [gun clicks] Peter! Reach for the stars! What? I think he's telling us to follow our dreams.
Where are the drugs? What are you doing? You are violating all kinds of procedures! There's no drugs here, pig.
Ah-ha! No drugs, huh? Well, what do you call this? And I'll bet there's more where that came from.
[toilet flushes] They're trying to flush their stash! Nice try, scumbag, but I got your squishy drugs right here.
Uh-oh.
Peter, hand me my gun and get out of here! I could get fired for this! And I can't go back to my job as a magician's assistant.
And now, to pull the two sides apart.
[cymbal crash, audience gasps] And wiggle your toes! I said, wiggle your toes! JOE: Yeah, that's, uh, that's why I wanted to talk to you before the show.
What's up, dudes? Stewie, what the hell is all this? Uh, only the most manly thing ever.
A little something called American football.
Is that a Michael Sam jersey? Yep.
Two boy names.
Doubly masculine.
- Like George Michael? - Shut up! Come on, Stewie, are you still hung up about that woman at the grocery store thinking you were a girl? Elton John.
Is another.
It has nothing to do with that, Brian.
I just thought it'd be good to take up a sport.
You know, like boys do.
You don't have to play football to prove you're a boy.
Barney Frank.
Is yet another one.
Chris, please.
Actually, you know what? Ricky Martin.
There's a bunch of these.
Anyway, they're not gonna let you play football, Stewie.
You're too little.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm gonna be bad news for the other team.
And nobody likes bad news.
Except for Larry, the Self-Loathing Idiot.
Larry, I'm afraid you only have three months to live.
[soft, idiotic giggle] POLICE CAPTAIN: Swanson! I need to see you right now! Captain.
Lieutenant.
You had no business participating in that raid at Fifth and Maple.
I know that, Captain.
I'm sorry that I But I'm glad you did.
Excuse me? You brought down one of the biggest drug rings in Quahog.
Above and beyond, Swanson.
Well, sir, I I'm just like any other cop.
My wife puts on my pants one leg at a time.
I appreciate your modesty, but nice work.
It's hard to believe you did that all by yourself.
Yep, did it all by myself, I did, I did.
My little lonesome, says I.
That's weird phrasing, but I'll tell you this, Swanson, you keep up this kind of work, there'll be no more grocery runs for you.
You'll be back on the street full-time.
Thank you, Captain.
- [squeaking] - Sir? Thank you, sir.
Hey, Peter.
You know, I was just thinking about how much fun we had the other day, and wondered if you'd want to join me for another ride-along.
Well, yeah, but I-I thought you said I couldn't do that 'cause you'd get in trouble.
Eh, it'll be our little secret.
All right.
Hey, can I drive the car? - Yeah, I guess I can let you drive.
- Awesome! Hey, and-and can we go slow up to a homeless guy and go "joop-joop" and see what he does? That's half the job.
So, what do you say? You think you're up to it? You bet I am.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
I've been working my Dave Matthews Punching Bag.
Thank you very much for using me today.
[mumbling to the speed of punching bag] This isn't annoying enough.
I need my David Lee Roth bag.
[mumbling to the speed of punching bag] [whistle blowing, children clamoring] Wow.
So these are the wife-beaters of tomorrow.
Which team is Stewie gonna be on? He's not gonna be on any team.
He's just overcompensating, because he was called a girl.
But once he sees how big the other kids are, he'll back out.
Ooh! My shoes have 12 little heels.
BRIAN: They're cleats! Okay, kids, let's start practice.
Yeah! Football! Boy stuff.
Hitting the shower.
Getting embarrassed.
Going home to shower.
Okay, Stewie, enough is enough.
All right, let's-let's get you out of here.
Yeah, you probably should get him out of there, 'cause he's just a little shrimp.
Uh, okay, thank you.
I mean, look at him.
My Tyler would kill him out there.
Okay, well, believe me, there's there's more to him than you think.
Come on, Stewie.
You know, ballet is great exercise.
Maybe you should put short stack in a tutu.
No, you know what, Stewie? Get the hell out on that field! [quietly]: And if you see that Tyler, take his knee out.
All right, let's do it! Football game! Then, reminder, showering at home.
Okay, I guess we'll see who's got the toughest kid here.
Yeah, I guess we will.
Hey! Oopsie-poopsie! Aw.
No sleep till Brooklyn Foot on the pedal Never ever false metal Engine running hotter than a boiling kettle My job ain't a job, it's a damn good time City to city, I'm running my rhymes On location Touring around the nation Beastie Boys always on vacation Itchy trigger finger But a stable turntable I do what I do best Because I'm willing and able Ain't no faking, your money I'm taking Going coast to coast to watch all the girlies shaking While you're at the job working 9:00 to 5:00 The Beastie Boys at the Garden cold kickin' it live No sleep till Another plane, another train Another bottle in the brain Another girl, Another fight Another drive all night Our manager's crazy He always smokes dust He's got his own room at the back of the bus Tour around the world You rock around the clock, plane to hotel Girls on the jock We're trashing hotels like it's going out of style Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight: local news anchor too professional to laugh at penis poked through hole in cue card.
But first, earlier today at city hall, the mayor honored a hero cop who has foiled a string of recent crimes.
Good afternoon, we had a budget meeting that ran long, so I'm gonna eat my lunch while I hold this press conference.
Ooh, my favorite! Loose Cobb salad in a lunchbox.
I'm gonna now shake this up like a lady in your office.
Okay, while the dressing does its magic, let's honor Officer Joe Swanson, who single-handedly cut crime in Quahog by 75%.
What? "Single-handedly"? Officer Swanson, as thanks from a grateful city, please accept this Certificate of Merit.
And with that, I hereby declare this hero cop open! Whoa, sweet bod.
You lift, bro? Damn it, I can't believe Joe's hogging all the credit.
That bastard's just getting famous by tricking people.
Like Orson Welles.
So the aliens have come to Earth to destroy all mankind.
And, uh they're going to start at McDonald's.
So if you're in line there, you better run.
Whoa, whoa! N-Not the workers, though.
They've already said the workers are safe.
[whistle blows] Excuse me, Coach Herar-Herar-ra-ra-ra? It's Herrera.
Okay, well that's a lot of Rs, but listen, I-I noticed you're not starting Stewie.
Oh, I can't put him in.
I mean, he can come out for limp handshakes at the end of the game, but I can't play him.
He's too little.
"Little"? Oh, like that car you drive over there? Let's see if it looks bigger when I throw a Sprite at it.
Well, that's not my car, but I don't care, I'm just a volunteer.
All right, Griffin, get in there! Come on, Stewie, give your dog something to post on Facebook! Something to post on Facebook, let's go.
[whistle blows] All right, and nobody's blocking.
[grunts] Oh, my God.
Stewie! Are you okay? Back off! He may have a concussion.
A concussion? You do me an honor, Lieutenant, but my dance card is full.
Officer Swanson, as you requested, here's a big stack of all the cases you cracked.
Oh, great.
Now I'm gonna go ahead and brood over a photo of the girl whose case was the one I couldn't solve.
Your '70s sweater and feathered hair let people know this is a cold case.
PETER: Well, hello, Officer Swanson.
Peter? What are you doing? You're not supposed to be here.
I saw you on TV, hogging all the credit for my police work.
Look, I told you, I need you to be a silent partner on this.
The truth is I could get in a lot of trouble.
Oh, I see.
You need me to be the bad cop who kicks all the ass and then I'm supposed to be quiet about it? Well, my silence is gonna cost you.
What are you saying? I'm saying you get stuff, I want stuff.
I've seen that evidence locker.
I know you got Discmans in there.
I want a murdered jogger's Discman.
Peter, you know I can't do that.
Yeah? Well, maybe I accidentally reveal that you're not the hero everyone thinks you are and that you've been letting your neighbor do all kinds of cop stuff.
You wouldn't do that, would you? You bet I would.
And one more thing.
Peter asked me to do this.
He, he said it's something from before.
I, I don't know, I I hope it's funny.
All right, I'm here.
But why did you want me to bring this? I'll tell you why.
You're getting all the credit for my police work, so I want stuff from you.
I want a minute in your house with this shopping cart, like Supermarket Sweep.
Here, time me.
Peter, you expect me to let you ransack my house? Well, unless you'd rather I spill the beans to the chief about who's been doing your dirty work.
Okay, go.
[cabinets opening] Aw, sweet, board games! I'm taking the cannon from your Monopoly! [Bonnie screams] Why is Peter in the house? It's a police matter, Bonnie! PETER: Hey, how come Kevin's room is locked? He just wants some privacy! It's locked from the outside! Don't open it, Peter! [door opens, crashing] Hi, baby.
Hi, baby.
Get out of Susie's room! [crashing] Your stuff sucks.
I didn't need the full minute.
Hey, Stewie, how's our little concussion guy? Oh, my God.
Can you, can you see me? Yeah, I know, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I-Is anybody gonna answer that telephone? He keeps thinking the phone is ringing, Brian.
Well, at least he's talking again.
I think that means he's getting better.
Is it day or night? I don't, I don't care, I just want to know.
Lois, answer the bloody phone! N-No, no! W-we don't need Lois.
[chuckles] Chris, pretend to answer the phone.
Oh, uh, hello? Okay.
Yes, one second.
Mom, it's for you! What? No! Damn it, Chris! Um, um I'll, I'll take that.
Hello, this is Brian Griffin.
Actually, I already receive The New York Times, and I always enjoy finishing the crossword puzzle.
You're bragging to nobody? Phone's still ringing.
Crap, Chris, he's worse off than I thought.
We have to do something.
Well, on TV if somebody gets hit on the head, you hit them a second time and that gets them back to normal.
No, no, Chris.
This is very serious.
You see, what a concussion is is the impact of brain matter on the inside of the skull.
That's why you sometimes hear this nonsense about, "Oh, let's just give them better helmets.
" But you can't make a helmet for the inside Chris, are you crazy? Shh.
Let's just let him sleep this off.
Look how peaceful he is.
I wonder what's going on in that little head of his.
The world looks mighty good to me 'Cause Tootsie Rolls are all I see Whatever it is I think I see Becomes a Tootsie Roll to me! Joe, is something wrong? I didn't hear you crying in the shower this morning.
I'm just dealing with some stuff at work.
But everything's going so well.
You've been getting all those commendations and my online handmade lip balm business is really taking off.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Well, I'm proud of you.
And you should be proud of yourself.
I want these: rechargeable heated mittens.
Write it down.
Forget it, Peter.
I'm done being blackmailed by you.
Oh, yeah? Well, fine, but remember, you're nothing without your muscle.
DISPATCHER: Any available unit, we have a report of an armed robbery in progress.
Go on, hero cop.
You don't need me.
Well, uh, maybe you and I could do one last bust for old time's sake.
Yes! All right, let's do it.
Let's go be heroes.
Like the designated Shriver.
Is there a skeleton with a wig that can drive me home? I can.
Look at this mess! Where is the housekeeper? Well, you already look better.
The doctor should be in any minute.
[baby crying] Chris, what the hell? There is a room where you can go in and just get free people.
Yeah, you should give that back.
Look, I'm really sorry I let you get hurt, Stewie.
I never should've pushed you into that game.
Oh, it's not your fault.
I just have to accept that I'm not a man and I'm never going to be one.
That's ridiculous.
You can't let what one woman says in a grocery store define who you are.
Mom and Dad said it, too.
I heard it through a vent in the wall.
Hey, knock, knock.
Coach Herrera? You came to see Stewie? Yeah, I wanted to check in on this tough little guy.
"Tough little guy"? It takes a real man to take a hit like that.
Feel better, sport.
How about that? "Real man.
" See? I told you, Stewie.
You're a big, tough boy.
Yes, I guess I am.
That may be, Stewie.
But if I were you, I'd stay off the field.
Concussions are the number one problem in football today.
Recent brain scan studies have shown [band music playing] that brain injuries are directly linked to dementia and suicides in former players! - [music gets louder] - Yet the league You can play the music louder but you can't silence the truth! [siren wailing, tires screeching] Peter, slow down! No can do, Joe.
I'm all hopped up 'cause I Vicks Vapo'd my sack.
[tires screeching] I also got some of it in my eyes.
Am I getting them? Am I getting the robbers? Peter, put the gun down! On the floor, punks.
Everybody dies.
[screams] My already-irritated eyes! Aw, damn it, Peter! This is Officer Swanson, I need backup at PETER: Ow! They're beating me with vaping accessories! Forget it, there's no time.
Freeze, police! Too late, Joe.
I already identify with my captors.
Don't hurt Max and Ken.
[gunshots] Holy crap, Joe.
That was freaking amazing! You kicked their ass! You're right, I guess I did.
And without my help.
See, this is the Joe I remember.
You know, maybe you had it in you all along.
Wow.
I guess I just got ground down by years of people treating me like an errand boy, and I just let them walk all over me.
You know, you were a real pain in the butt as a partner, but you helped me find myself again.
Thanks, Peter.
You're welcome, Joe.
Excuse me, do you have any Tab soda I can bring back to the sex dungeon where I've been held captive for decades? Ma'am, this is a crime scene.
I'm gonna have to ask you to move along.
You're right, Peter.
I'm a pretty good cop.