Family Guy s15e16 Episode Script

Saturated Fat Guy

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! TV ANNOUNCER: Is Netflix Streaming the right choice for you? Well, if you like movies in HD, then frozen pixels, then HD again, the answer is "yes.
" And if you love the golden year of movies, 2003, then we might have some of what you're looking for.
Netflix Streaming: buffer for 20 minutes, then watch 35 minutes of a movie with Jason Statham.
Oh, look what came, the free DVD from my PBS pledge.
Whatever it is, we're not watching it.
Peter, trust me, you of all people could really learn something from this.
It's a documentary about the food industry called, Food Kills.
Huh.
Says here that Colon Health Magazine gave it two thumbs in.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) Hi, I'm Matt Lauer's cousin, Stephen McCormick.
Our moms are sisters.
America is gorging itself on processed food, creating an obesity epidemic.
We've abandoned natural foods for chemicals, additives and refined sugars.
At this rate, this is what the future will look like.
Those are flying cars, but the people in them are too fat.
Oh, no, I left my baby in there.
Without drastic changes in our diet, Americans are headed for a health catastrophe.
For more, go to our website at "double-u double-u double-u dot PBS dot com.
" That's "www" dot, the word "double-u" three times, the word "dot," "PBS," the word "dot" again, the word "com," dot com.
There was a miscommunication when we registered our website.
Well, that's it, from now on, we're eating healthy around here.
We're gonna feel better and we're gonna look better.
Well, looking better doesn't always solve your problems, Lois.
It sure didn't work for Droopy Dog when he got that facelift.
Contrary to my appearance, I'm still not happy.
Please study my brain so that others don't suffer as I have.
(SAD TRUMPET MELODY) Thanks for coming to my birthday party, you guys.
And Esther, I'm so sorry you ripped your perineum doing the Hokey Pokey.
That's okay, I got free curly fries.
Okay, let's see what Meg got me.
A crock pot? Things about to get crazy! You can cook a pork tenderloin under your bed.
Excuse me, girls.
We're about to start roller derby in a minute.
Wait, wait.
You.
What's your name? Me? Meg Griffin.
Would you mind standing up? Whoa! What-what-what are you doing? My God.
The magic ratio.
What's that? It means your ankles, calves, and thighs are all the same thickness.
How would you like to try out for the roller derby team? Really? - Do it, Meg.
- Yeah, Meg.
You should totally do it.
Meg's talking to a boy! Okay, sure.
What the heck? Here.
Take my card.
"I am a registered sex offender.
" Flip it over.
"IMPORTANT: see other side.
" Give me that.
I'm the roller derby coach.
See you at tryouts.
I can't believe it, you guys.
This is the biggest surprise since the last M.
Night Shyamalan movie.
Two tickets for the M.
Night Shyamalan movie.
Wow.
Really? Hope you guys are ready for a healthy dinner.
I went to Whole Foods today and got this recipe from an extremely thin man with a giant Adam's apple.
I hate that place.
None of the cereals are advertised on TV.
What's this stuff that looks like sand? It's quinoa.
Nope, I don't eat foods that sound like karate words.
Well, according to Food Kills, quinoa is a superfood.
It's very nutritious, and it even helps keep you regular.
Lois, I have a system I poop once a week for an hour and a half.
I wear a headband and it's soaked when I'm all done.
Mm.
Wow, Lois, you know, this is actually pretty good.
Peter, you should try it.
Ugh.
Fine.
(GAGGING) Peter, knock it off.
I can't help it! My body's rejecting it! (DANCE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND) Name? Quinoa.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, sir, we're full.
Come on in, gummy bears! Oh, you are looking fine tonight.
Mm! Thanks again for coming and supporting me, Chris.
No problem.
And I'm gonna take some pictures of the other athletes, if you don't mind.
You might not know this about me, but I am a bit of a shutterbug.
Okay, that's-that's all okay.
All right, ladies, line up.
How about we start with some warm-ups? Bend down and touch your toes.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING RAPIDLY) CHRIS: "Memory card full"? Come on! Okay, now, last year we were tricked by a couch on a dolly with wheels, so if any of you is a couch on a dolly with wheels, I'm gonna ask you to please leave now.
Well, we need five for a team and there's five of you here, so congratulations.
Wow! This is awesome! I can't believe I'm a Quahog Thug! When do we start skating? Here, look at the schedule.
This is just a list of Sexaholic Anonymous meetings.
Flip it over.
It says, "Remember to attend your meetings.
" I'm gonna stop handing you stuff.
(GROANING) It's the middle of the night.
Where are you going? I'm sick of all this healthy crap.
I'm going downstairs to find something good to eat.
And then I'm gonna fall asleep watching transvaginal mesh lawsuit commercials.
There's nothing.
Thank you, son.
What's going on, man, are you pregnant? No, my wife watched that food documentary.
And you should never ask that unless you're sure, by the way.
Aw, yeah, peanut-butter-cup- Dorito-sausage-car panini.
And let's crack a Cadbury Egg over the whole thing.
(SIZZLING) Just gonna use my spare glove-compartment-underwear as a napkin.
I can't believe Randy Quaid gets to eat like this every day.
Peter? Is that you? Cleveland? Are you cooking in your car? I am.
Is this because of Food Kills? Oh, you saw that movie too, huh? We watched Tyler Perry's Food Kills, which is the same movie except it stars black folks you've never heard of and white folks you don't hear from anymore.
But, yeah, now Donna is forcing me to eat healthy.
I always get confused, is Donna the wife, or is Roberta the wife? I don't know, man, can I have some of that sandwich? Oh, our hands just touched.
Mm.
Wow, Peter.
That's good.
That's real good.
I'm not sure what we're doing now.
MAN: Excuse me, whatever you've got in there smells incredible.
Man, my wife won't let me eat any of that stuff.
Tell you what, I'll give you ten bucks for that thing.
Yeah, me, too.
Wow.
Huh, if I sell two sandwiches for $10 each, that equals (WOMAN VOCALIZING) money.
Peter, you just made $20 from two sandwiches.
Wow, you're right.
Hey, maybe I could turn this into a business.
You know, selling sandwiches from a car.
Wonder how much I could make.
(WOMAN VOCALIZING) Mad world Whoops, I stopped thinking about math and started thinking about baby-man Billy Corgan being sad at Disneyland.
(PETER'S LAUGH TO MELODY OF "LA CUCARACHA") Peter, what the hell is this? This, Lois, is my new food truck, specializing in all the delicious, unhealthy foods that you won't let me eat.
'Cause you don't let me eat what I want to eat and that and, uh, I am super dizzy and there might be a gas leak in this thing.
(PETER'S LAUGH TO MELODY OF "DIXIE") I can't believe you'd buy a food truck.
What are you even selling? First of all, believe it, baby.
Second, uh, mostly hamburgers where the buns is jelly donuts.
And drinks where hot dogs is the straws.
(SLURPING) Mm.
Another milkshake, please.
Look, I'm happy for the business, but drinking that on your knees is it's putting a hat on a hat.
Look at this food.
It's gross and unhealthy.
It's exactly the stuff I'm trying to get you not to eat.
Yeah, but people like this food.
It makes them happy.
I mean, you can eat sprouts and vegan crap your entire life and still get devoured by Gremlins and-and-and none of it matters.
So you're saying you shouldn't take care of yourself because you might get devoured by Gremlins? Get a clue, mama.
Think of what you're doing to your body, Peter.
Oh, there we go.
You think I'm overweight.
I know you're overweight.
Hey, yeah, I'll have the, uh, Swedish Fish Tacos.
You want the can of chili dumped on top or on the side? What does the chef recommend? Me? I like to squeeze the can so hard the chili flies into my mouth like Popeye.
Do it up.
You got it.
Let me put on my bandana, fire up my very loud "what" generator, and get cooking.
(GENERATOR RUNNING LOUDLY) Peter, this isn't over! What?! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first bout of the season, the Quahog Thugs versus the Medford Dump Cakes.
This season we're brought to you by Barry's Note Cards.
"When you need to remind yourself of the sponsor, use Barry's Note Cards.
" (WHISTLE BLOWS) (MEG GASPS) (MEG GRUNTING) Nice move, Griffin.
Way to go, Meg! ANNOUNCER: Wow, newcomer Meg Griffin is lighting up the track with some amazing moves.
"Amazing"? Damn right, amazing.
Make some noise if you're mixing prescription drugs with alcohol! (CHEERING) Wow.
This is a lot more physical than I thought.
My favorite part of a woman's body is haunches.
And this is all haunch, baby.
(GRUNTS) Meg! Boy, that was rough.
This sport's even more dangerous than skeet shooting.
Pull! I got in the wrong line! That'll be $16.
$16? That's expensive.
Yes, sir.
Everything's very expensive because you're paying for it on an iPad.
Now, if you'll just select a gratuity.
Options are 60%, 90%, and 200%.
Uh, I guess 60%.
Okay, great.
And just sign by dragging your bare finger across this thing I use to masturbate.
Uh, okay.
Thank you, please make sure to bang your head on that low-hanging thing.
What are you (SHOUTS) Oh, you spilled something.
You want a napkin? Yes, please.
All right, here's 40, blown by the wind.
(PANTING) Oh, Chris, I'm glad you're here.
Swing that lamp at me.
But you'll get hurt.
No, I won't.
I'm gonna dodge it.
(SHOUTS) Oh, my God, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
This roller derby's really toughened me up.
I got to say, I've-I've never felt better.
Really? 'Cause I watched how rough it was out there the other day, and I got a little worried for you.
I mean, all it would take is one bad hit to do permanent damage.
I think you should quit.
What? No.
No, I-I love roller derby.
It's the first thing I'm really good at.
Plus, I love making other women bleed.
But you know, in ways besides the way, you know, they normally bleed.
STEWIE: She means periods.
Yeah, I got it, Stewie, but I'm telling you, Meg, something bad is going to happen.
Like when you give a young athlete too much money.
I, I got to murder somebody.
Peter, kids, dinner! Kids? Peter? It's time for a healthy, veggie dinner! Come on, I spent the whole day making the house smell like farts.
Where the hell is everybody? All right, I got a bowl of cereal that's M&M's and Dr.
Pepper? Over here.
Chris, put that down.
You kids get in the house and eat the healthy dinner I prepared, and Peter, you, too.
Shut down that truck and get inside.
Lois, I already told you.
I don't want to eat your garbage food.
All right? Now can you go inside and get me some Pop Rocks? I'm making a paella.
You know what? Enough of this nonsense.
You love this truck so much, stay in it, 'cause I don't want you or your food in the house.
Fine.
I love this truck.
I got everything I need in here.
Maybe I'll just live here.
I can imagine it now.
(WOMAN VOCALIZING) Living in America Whoops.
I stopped thinking about the truck and started thinking about Amazon woman Brigitte Nielsen drunk in a Burbank park.
(BIRDS SINGING) (SNORING) (ALARM BEEPING) All right, time to greet the day.
Are you living in a truck? Not bad.
I see you got a Hooters calendar in here.
How do you get anything done with those rocking knockers staring at you? Hey, who says I get anything done? Guy talk, guy talk.
Yeah, guy talk.
(CHUCKLES) Guy talk.
This is how guys talk.
Oh, Peter, this is awful.
Well, I love it.
And I'm not going back in that house and listen to Lois tell me how fat and unhealthy I am.
You do look like you've put on a few.
Your elbows are starting to pucker.
Yeah, I mean, are you really happy in here? You bet I am.
I'm happier than a squash on Halloween.
Dad, are they coming to take us away, too? No, son, we're fine.
How about on Thanksgiving? You know what, just enjoy the month.
(GRUNTING) You're going down, Griffin, like my stepfather's pants! I guess I see where some of your anger comes from.
(GRUNTS) Oh, no.
This is bad.
That's it.
I have to do something.
Chris, what are you doing? Saving my (SHOUTS) (GROANING) Oh, my God.
Chris, are you okay? I don't think so.
I'm hurt pretty bad, like that time I was running with scissors.
(LAUGHING) You run like a girl.
Run like a man, you get a suit.
Here you go.
And if you'd like to put your e-mail on our sign-up list, I'd be happy to sell it to Russian hackers.
Peter, Peter, it's happening.
What? The Bing Maps car.
It's three blocks down and it's coming this way.
Holy crap.
This is the day we've been waiting for.
We said we're gonna stand in our front yards and wave as it goes by so we're on the street view.
We're gonna be on the Internet.
Mort just called.
It went by his house.
Everybody, places! Start waving.
This is not a drill! (GRUNTS) Damn it.
I can't fit through the door.
I'm stuck in the truck.
- What? What are you talking about? - (GRUNTING) I knew this would happen.
You're too fat to get out.
I see it.
I see the Bing car.
Oh, my God, Bing! Bing! Over here! Bing! They can't see you, Peter.
You're facing away from the street.
Stop talking, Quagmire.
Just smile.
This is amazing.
Crap.
Is it gone? The driver nodded at me.
I I think I'm gonna cry.
Damn it.
I can't believe I missed it.
Jeez, I hope I don't end up stuck in here like Winnie the Pooh.
Uh, Rabbit? Perhaps you should push with your shoulder and not your fist? RABBIT: Don't worry about it.
Hey, did that big "boomba boomba" nurse come in here? Uh, no.
But Dr.
Hartman, is my brother gonna be okay? (WHISPERING): That's her.
That's her.
(VOICE BREAKING): Hi, Juanita.
Hello, Doctor.
Was that weird? Was I just weird? Kind of.
You don't know.
I was fine.
Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry you got hurt like this.
Roller derby was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I finally felt like I was good at something, I made friends but seeing you like this, I realize you were right.
It's too dangerous.
So I'm going to quit.
No, Meg.
I got hurt because I didn't belong out there, but you do.
I watched you skate.
You found your calling and I believe in you.
Now get back to that rink and help your team win the championship it deserves.
Really? I will.
Thanks, Chris.
MORGAN FREEMAN: With the spirit in her heart renewed, Meg returned to the roller derby arena.
I think she did all right, but no one will know for sure because halfway through everyone stopped to watch some fat kid who was killing it on Dance Dance Revolution.
(CHUCKLES) Dance, you fat bitch.
So tonight, we say to the yellow-billed marsh finch you're extinct.
But, right now, we're getting word of breaking news.
We go live to Tricia Takanawa with details.
- Tricia? - Tom, I'm standing here outside a Spooner Street home, where a local business owner has apparently eaten himself into his own food truck.
Oh.
It appears they've finally removed the roof.
Nobody look.
This is a private, gross matter.
Mr.
Griffin, is this performance art or, uh, some sort of political statement? Well, I'm kind of ticked about condoms in porn, but this is unrelated.
Oh, hey, Lois.
I guess you must be happy.
Yeah, it's every girl's dream to have her husband hoisted out of a food truck in a horse harness.
No, look, I-I'm just saying, you were right.
I'm a big tub of lard, and you have every reason to be ashamed of me.
Ashamed of you? I-Is that really what you think? Well, yeah, you kept saying how overweight I am.
Peter, don't you get it? I only wanted you to eat healthy because I love you, and I'm concerned about your health.
I want you around for as long as I'm around.
Really? Well, I love you, too, Lois.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
I guess I could do without eating so much junk, but I could never do without you.
Oh, Peter.
Ma'am, please step back.
We have to wash him with a hose.
Guys, look! Look! The Bing car is back.
No.
I'm not ready! I'm not ready! MORGAN FREEMAN: Inspired by his love for Lois, Peter had steamed vegetables and brown rice that evening, then ate like crap for the rest of his life.
Nonetheless, he was immortalized on Bing Maps.
(LAUGHS) Fat people are amusing to me.
Hang there, you fat bitch.